sputnik123 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 Hey Bumblebee, It does, trust me.. but.. "I had a little slip... again, I saw her Facebook page and being my stupid self I clicked on her name. There wasn't much... Thank god, cause her page is private but the things I saw just worked me up. Putting a face to a name, seeing where she lived, seeing her relationship status update and all his family and friends comment on it ' nice one lad' 'good work ' 'so happy for you both' I can tell he liked all those posts cause I've blocked him but it won't show me the person who's liked it." As well as NC, you HAVE to refrain from looking at his/their social media. It will only cause you pain. There are so many horror stories on this forum about this. Just save yourself the additional pain and steer clear. I know this only too well, believe me. "I'm looking at myself and just seeing a shadow of who I was. Am I not pretty enough? Why is it like this. What has she got that I haven't?. I'm wondering if he hasn't replied to me cause he's spending time with her these past few days before he's back at work. My stomach feels like it's eating itself" There will be ALOT of unanswered questions. In time though, you can answer them yourself, or you just won't care any more. This is all about and for you now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 So he contacted me. It was civil. No arguemnts but we just had to clear the air on some points and I guess closure? I'm slightly confused on what he said and the outcome. He started with "the thought of another man touching my Becky kills me" and "I just want you in my arms again". I asked him straight up if there was a chance and he said. He doesn't know what the future holds and I also found out he dumped me rather than me dump him but I guess I just assumed I did cause I asked for a break?. In the end I asked him straight up if he was willing to try again and he said no and that he's sorry, which I politely said that I understand and told him that I can't talk to him anymore but he told me that he just can't let go of me yet. I told him that he will have to as he in in a relationship and it is for the best. So I sent him one last text but he keeps texting and I'm getting so confused. His reasons for staying with her is because he doesn't want to hurt anyone else anymore he just wants people to be happy. I'm not sure that is the right reason to stay with someone? Cause you are afraid of hurting them? I told him again that I can't do this and that talking to him will be a bad idea. But he's just kept going and saying that he still loves me and that he don't wanna lose me as I was a big part of his life and that he will always love me (weird that I just accidentally typed "he will always hurt me" lol) I know he might not be able to go back to how it was but if he is in a relationship he needs to be sure he isn't holding onto me because things won't go well and I don't want him in more mess. We got a lot out in the air. All our thoughts and feelings that we should have done during the break up. I guess there is closure there for me that this is it now and this is what I have to deal with rather than it being a uncertain future for me and him. I've told him that I've blocked him and deleted him and that I want no more contact at all and maybe he should do the same but by the looks of things he's not going to do that. So I guess I got to be the strong one on my half to make this work. I'm still slightly frustrated and upset with the fact he chose someone he's known for 2 weeks over someone he's known 10 years and said it isn't a rebound when he clearly isn't over me? I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 I'm also amazed at myself and how I've managed to keep my composure and stay calm. He threw digs at me like he told me his ex said "your ex who ever she is will seriously regret ing this up. You are a great man with a big heart". I don't know how I managed to calmly say that I don't need to know that. Without blowing off the handle. He then said that he didn't tell me that with the intention of hurting me? Ok sure I'm laid here not being able to sleep still but I'm calm and I'm not crying... yet? My stomach has been churning slightly and I get that dull pang every now and then along with a hot flush but no tears. Not as much hurt as I have had over the Past few days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 It's still going on and I'm getting more confused. I said that he needs to get his stuff at some point and he told me that he can't see me cause he would want to kiss and hug me. Which I understand but for someone who has told me he has moved on it doesn't sound like it? He said it kills him to tell me that he said no. That he can't let me go. He can't see me cause he will want to kiss me and he can't do that to his girlfriend. I GET THAT but why on earth is he moving on while feeling this? He just says he felt like it was right and I felt unwanted and she made me feel wanted. I'm going through the anger stage ATM so I'm expecting the crying to follow soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 It blew up slightly which is what I was expecting and I cried and at that point I thought it was time to end it before I say anything else that seems damaging and needy. So the last thing he texted me was that this will stay between me and him And that he still cares for me and he will never turn his back on me or my family xx. I so wanted to text but instead I deleted it. I guess this is finally it now. The end of my chapter and yes I cried but I also feel a sense of relief? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Hey Bumblebee, "I guess this is finally it now. The end of my chapter and yes I cried but I also feel a sense of relief?" Take this now and try to move on. It will be difficult, but take one day at a time and it will come. You are in the right place and not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 Oh and don't I know it will be difficult. I've already gone through the anger and upset all in one go. What makes it hard is knowing that he won't let go and he still sees me as "my Becky" It mainly hurts cause he chose her over me. I know I've got my family and friends to lean on for support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Hi Bumblebee, "It mainly hurts cause he chose her over me." You need to see this as his loss. Take solace that he did choose you once. As I reminded someone yesterday, hardly anything ever lasts forever. It's great that you have family and friends to help.. some people don't! One day you will look back at this and be relieved that it ended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 This is what i'm trying to tell myself but sometimes it's not enough I guess. I'm going through the self doubt stage again which I understand is normal and I will have to run with these feelings. His messages keep replaying in my head. Confused at the fact he 'felt like a monster' for saying that he can't go back to how it was and its just 'too late' and that he feels 'like crap right now and it hurts me knowing I've done this to someone I love'. I'm trying not too. I'm on Skype now talking away distracting myself but it can be hard. I've had moments where I tear up. I stood in front of the mirror earlier and just pretended it was him looking back and me and just let loose. I kinda felt like a mad woman but strangely it let out a lot of pent up frustration for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 That's great BB* ~ Yes, let it out...You must.... Again, you're in the very worst stage right now, and god it's horrible...But we'll be here to guide you through the dark tunnel.... Just take it day by day now...minute by minute...No need to go making any grand plans right now.... Just think what you need to do to get through the next hour OK? Every day you will grow stronger by pushing through the pain while he tries to cover it all over with a shiny new toy.... And you're in the thick of it right now but can I just say, I really feel sorry for his new GF....That relationship is NOT starting off on the most solid foundation....! Hugs Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 I've been letting so much out, all the anger and pain. I couldn't go into work today as I got not even 5 minutes of sleep. He texted me at 10pm and that was me wide awake. But i've had a day of crying and screaming and just writing down how I feel. I do too feel sorry for her. He has based his new relationship on the fact of him not feeling 'wanted' by me and her making him feel 'wanted'. He told me that he can't go back to me cause he's scared it would happen again and he needs to give someone else a chance but also he doesn't want to hurt anyone while not wanting to let go of me yet and lose me. SO at the end of all of this he is with someone cause she made him feel wanted, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by dumping someone, he's not over me and doesn't want to let go and he can't see me cause he would want to kiss and hug me??!??!?!?!?!?!!?!? I'm just so frustrated, and told him this, he doesn't want to 'hurt' anyone but he's hurting me, he's known her for 2 weeks, they don't really know each other so the pain won't even match up to what i'm going through right now. He also said that he's already met her family and friends and he feels he's in too deep to turn back now??? I then said but you've known her for 2 weeks, you've met all my family and my friends and you don't feel like you're in too deep to turn back either? He couldn't answer that. He chose her over 10 years and he told me it's not because he likes anyone more. He hasn't contacted me but I know he's suffering too. His dad went for surgery today and I told him I hope everything goes well but I have a strange feeling that he MIGHT try to contact tonight or he will just crawl into her arms to mask this pain. One minute i'm fine but then all of a sudden a silly memory or thought will pop into my head and it will hurt so bad. A pang of pain will take over and it really kills me. I'm trying to not think about the future but it's so hard not too. What am I going too. Where am I going to end up? Whom am I going to end up with? I know this rebound/mask all emotion relationship won't last with him as he said to me that he doesn't know if this relationship will 'work out out' and I don't know if I can deal with the pain of him trying to come back after he realises what he's done. I know I sound so vain right now but this is my thought process :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Hey Bumblebee, I know it's tough, but you need to try and switch it from thinking about him/them, to thinking about YOU. "I'm trying to not think about the future but it's so hard not too. What am I going too. Where am I going to end up? Whom am I going to end up with? I know this rebound/mask all emotion relationship won't last with him as he said to me that he doesn't know if this relationship will 'work out out' and I don't know if I can deal with the pain of him trying to come back after he realises what he's done." - Adopt a one day at a time mindset. Do you think everything he is saying to you is honest? Don't be surprised about anyone's ability to bend the truth, to suit themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 I'm not sure. He might be honest about him wanting it to work with her or not. He might have been honest about him not being able to let go I don't know. I would like to think he was honest. I really would. I guess in the end love is patient whether it's with him or not LOVE in general is patient but I, myself am not a patient person lol. it's so hard for me to think about myself when i've always put him before me so it's strange to actually sit back and worry about me. Odd sensation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Am I correct that you were both each other's first proper partner and together around 10 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yes, we were both our first serious relationships, first kiss, first intimate moment and was together for 10 years. I was 14 when I met him and he was 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Thanks Bumblebee. I thought this was the case. It would be so incredibly rare to have stayed that way. A 10 year relationship from 14-24yrs is quite something. I guess it's quite natural that one or both would eventually like to experience something else? This is not to say that anyone did anything wrong, it's just that people's feelings change, over time. It happens to most people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 That might have been the case. I kinda initiated the break up but due to very different reasons but then suddenly backpeddled cause I realised it wasn't the right thing to do at the time and it was said out of anger and frustration. We went on a break first and apparently he was a mess, going through exactly what is happening now for 3ish months. We then met up around 2 weeks before we offically parted ways. This is where everything got confusing. He wouldn't let go of me and I didn't want him too. We was hugging and kissing and he wanted to spend the night, we was basically how we was with each other and like nothing happened but I really wanted things to go slow and I said this but then he started to demand an answer as to whether or not we was back together. He gave me a time limit of an hour??? And backed me into a corner where I felt I couldn't breathe. I needed more time and things to go slowly with him. Little steps. So we can sort our problems out. I explained and he just didn't hear me so everything came to a point and we just exploded. The day after I was regretting it but thought it would be best to give each other some breathing space and message him at the end of the week but by that time he messaged me to tell me he's dating cause single life isn't for him. I was broken. If he wanted someone different then I wish he would just tell me rather than string me along with this "I love u still" "I can't let you go" and "I don't know if this relationship will work out out". It's like he's keeping me at arms length and putting little glimpse of hope in me even though I'm telling myself that's not the case and not to think like that! I've been so tempted to just rant at him and throw all these questions at him but I've refrained and I'm going to keep to my NC. Most people didn't take our relationship seriously but it was very real, I got engaged at 18, we was saving up for our first house and planning a wedding. We never had any issues with wanting other men/women (that I knew of) I've been off from work due to stress and just not been thinking clearly cause of this all. My sleep and eating is still not right. In the past two days I've had an hour sleep and eaten some crackers, but stress is making me feel sick so I don't eat. I'm trying so hard to not read between the lines and make things up but my mind is just going off on one. I'm working through it though. Crying when needed but then telling myself that this is me I need to focus on. How can I move on if I can't focus on the most important thing here? Me. I'm so sorry that im venting so much ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Please vent away. It is necessary. But please try and force yourself to work. If you lose your job/income, it will compound the pain you are already dealing with. Trust me on that one... Sending you Strength Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 I will be going back to work on Sunday (tomorrow and Saturday are my days off) but due to me not sleeping work has told me to take these two days to rest but on top of that I have become ill? From the stress? I don't know. So i'm thankful that they are understanding. It does take some pressure off me so I have time to gather myself ready. I thought talking to him helped but in reality it brought a whole new wave of pain and confusion. I know it will go away but it feels like its staying forever. Everything around me is him. The walls, the floor, houses, cars. Everything somehow makes me think of him. Memories creep up on me and in print themselves in my brain for hours and then just disappear like they was never there and it's a vicious circle. It's so hard, all I want to do is meet up with him and just hold him once more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 It's horrible I know...That motion picture in your head..the memories...that goes round and round and round.....Painful and maddening stuff.... But it is also an important part of your healing process...Truly....This is your brain processing what has happened.... There is a technique called 'Thought Stopping' and we'll get to that soon..... I used to think one should employ Thought Stopping asap to start refocusing your brains neural pathways...but what I've come to learn, is that right now, your brain needs to do this to process and heal properly...for the longer term.... I'm so sorry...I know how bad it is...just read my thread.....But for now, just accept that you have been hurt and allow your brain to go there.... Very glad about your job...It seems more and more companies are becoming sympathetic to mental health and times of stress like this.... Hope you get some sleep tonight* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 It's so hard for these memories to replay, the feelings, the emotions, his face, everything I loved about him showing up in my head. I can see how its maddening! I keep telling myself that if it is meant to be it will happen and if not it won't. Today has been a little easier, haven't cried as much but i've still cried. The pain is pretty horrendous sometimes. I can see why they say people can die from heartbreak. My heart feels like its being squeezed, getting tighter and tighter it hurts. I got some sleep this morning, around 2 hours, my body was just very exhausted from it all. I hope tonight I can rest easy and I don't dream of him coming back to me again and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Hey Bumblebee, Take it from me, a lack of sleep makes you feel so much worse about things. Do everything you can to get some rest. I promise you it helps. This is the time you need to look after yourself For now, nothing else matters. One day at a time.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 I had my friend come round last night to just let me vent to fresh ears and he really did help me understand a lot of things. My mum also did too. My ex texted me and said that he wants me to be happy but he's afraid that it's something that he cannot do and he will explain better later. - so yes my mind was going "" but my mum said that I've said all that I can say to him and showed him how I feel now it's time for me to sit back and move on and let go. The ball is in his court now. In my head I'm thinking the worst so when he does tell me it won't be too much of a shock. I do feel a little better today. I had a cry but I smiled and laughed which I haven't done in a few weeks. I also ate my first proper meal as well that wasn't just crackers. If I was worth it he would have fought for me but it's something he just doesn't feel anymore and I can't force that. Whether it's cause he's scared I'd hurt him that he's moved on or he actually just doesn't love me, at the end of it he's made his bed. I know that tomorrow might be a different day and I might be a blubbering mess but today. I feel ok, and I'm gonna enjoy feeling like I'm not going to cry every minute and I'm enjoying the fact that I'm thinking of our memories together and not welling up. Maybe I needed this push to finally realise that I'm worth so much more than this. I'm worth love. I'm worth feeling special and loved by someone who will always choose me. I don't know how I would feel if he now came back to me cause it would feel as if I'm a backup and I don't want that for myself. I want someone to fight for me and want me regardless. Today is a good day and I'm happy that it is a good day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 God rejection is such a beeyatch..! Truly horrible stuff....How, as humans, have we made relationships so goddamn difficult..!? But anyway: Maybe I needed this push to finally realise that I'm worth so much more than this. I'm worth love. I'm worth feeling special and loved by someone who will always choose me. This is true even though it doesn't feel like it in the throes of a breakup.....But it is true* In fact, you should write that out and stick it on your mirror and repeat it out loud every time it catches your eye. And with time and healing you will come to really feel it too, not just think it.... I don't know how I would feel if he now came back to me cause it would feel as if I'm a backup and I don't want that for myself. I want someone to fight for me and want me regardless. Emotions are still too raw at this point...on both sides. That is the beauty of No Contact. You can push through the short term pain of NC and grow stronger every day, or you can ride things out as they are and probably get tossed left and right by the emotions as they are right now.... If you choose the latter you would still get to the point of "I've had enough of this!" and be done, but then the NC Tunnel will still be there waiting and you will have already wasted precious time. Many, MANY couples do get back together in the immediate term because of separation anxiety, but they generally don't last long because once the anxiety subsides, the issues are still there.... The more successful recons that do happen are after a period of NC...and not normally less than at least 3-4 months... Today is a good day and I'm happy that it is a good day. Beautiful* The fact that you realise that you will probably go down again shows good self awareness and a growing understanding of what you are going through.... And every time we hit the bottom, we bounce a little higher* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumblebee093 Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 Thank you for this. I've said what I needed to say and I feel like now this is it. I didn't cry while writing it and I felt very free from these chains that was shackling me to him. Like I said I might feel completely different in an hour a day a week as you said emotions are still raw. He told me he feels he can't go back now. Fine. I hear you. I've found strength in removing everything lying round my house of him. I told him I'd leave his stuff outside and if he wants it he can have it but if not into the bin it goes. He then said he doesn't want to get involved. He threw the word love around and kept me st arms length and then told me today that he does love me but just as a friend. Why say all those things Tuesday then? I told him not to throw that word around so insensitively when the situation is still raw. I'm not crying yet and I feel a sense of freeness that I have wanted for a while. I think this new found strength can help me into the path of moving forward and not backwards. NC is hard. I say I'll do it but backpeddle. Maybe we will get back together in the future but right now that's not what I want Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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