EtrnalOptimist Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 I have a friend who has been going out with someone for 10 months or so. I’ve met her. She’s lovely; pretty face and very intellectual. I can see why they connect. But she’s not his “normal” type; specifically, she is quite overweight, and I’ve only ever seen him with thin to average women. He is very reserved and only ever had long term relationships. He would never in a million years post on a public forum. But having got him drunk over Christmas, he confided that he struggles with how to end it with her. I was shocked but asked why, and he said though he was surprised by how long it had gone on, he was not physically attracted to her. I find I have no idea what advice to give him. I think he had struggled with this for a while and finally, deciding he could not, nor has the right, to ask her to change, decided he ought to end it for both their sakes. But now doesn’t know if he owes her the truth or lie about the reasons (“we’re not getting on”, etc). I get the impression they already traded "I love you"s. My inclination is to advise him to lie. After nearly a year she is bound to know she’s not his type without him having to say it. I think he has already made up his mind to end it. Any opinions how he could / should handle it? I’ve known him for ten years and I think he would be mortified to tell someone they’re too fat / he’s not physically attracted to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 You're right in that, if he's a decent person, he won't throw in a "you're fat" to top off the heartbreak. I think it's very unfortunate he's relented for a year despite not being physically attracted to her, but the best he can do at this point is not waste any more of her time and make it even more difficult on her later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 Very touchy subject, and given the length of time together, it's going to be hard for her regardless of how he does it. A simple "I've realized this will not be my forever relationship" should suffice. If she presses him, he can just say that he doesn't feel what he hoped he'd feel, at close to a year, which is true. And leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dias Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 Unfortunately I don't feel the spark/ I am not ready to settle down/....plenty of choices. "I don't find you physically attractive" is quite rude! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 It's fine to confide in you that he's not attracted to her. However he should use some diplomacy when ending it with her. I think he had struggled with this for a while and finally, deciding he could not, nor has the right, to ask her to change, decided he ought to end it for both their sakes. But now doesn’t know if he owes her the truth or lie about the reasons (“we’re not getting on”, etc). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flipper15 Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 What's he does don't call her fat in anyway shape or form. I put on a bit of weight due to a medical condition that nearly killed me. I was active and tried everything to loose weight but it's not that easy. In a row he called me a "fat slag" and trust me that's never left my head :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 He's hopefully learned not to involve himself to such a 'deep' degree with anyone he's not attracted to--where on earth did he believe that this would go? We live in a land of mirrors, so it makes no sense to tell an overweight person something they already know. All relationships being voluntary, we don't 'owe' anyone a 'good enough' reason to exit a relationship that's not working for us. So that's what I'd say, "This isn't working for me, and it's nothing you've done or could have done differently. I'm unable to feel the degree of intensity that I hoped I'd feel by now, and I've come to realize that I'm not able to invest in a future together." We all need to play the role of 'bad guy' in order to break up a relationship, so I wouldn't try to play therapist or mitigate another's heartbreak. That doesn't work, and it only makes things messier than they need to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Telling a female they are fat is the same as telling a guy he is ugly. I suggest he lie, lie, lie!!!! That is so hurtful, and will add to pain of the breakup tenfold. Something about her attracted him, enough to date her, and maybe that has changed. Is it really just the issue of weight?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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