Why won't my best male friend invite me to Christmas when he knows I have no family and alone?

[DanZee]

Yeah, you have to calm down. You're getting yourself in a tizzy. Just because you're lonely, you can't demand that someone invite you to a family Christmas event. You can't blame him for the fact that you have no other friends. You're expecting too much of a friend. And you yourself have said you're not boyfriend/girlfriend just friends. You just don't demand this sort of thing from a friend. He will probably see you after the holidays. Chill out!

[dias]

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

It was worth the laughter here! hahahahaha thank you dias and mustlovedogs :)

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

It was worth the laughter here! hahahahaha thank you dias and mustlovedogs :)

[MSilva]

Thank you all for the responses, it is a lot for me to reflect about!

 

I must say again that I have set expectations far too high, and ultimately I have to reconsider my own mistakes on this situation. But the point I still trying to digest is the honesty from his side regarding our friendship, and expectations - at so many occasions we never smoherered anything to make each other or self more confortable.

It has always been a thought beginning to get our friendship where it is (or was) with all the confusions and feelings involved.

 

But it is a friendship - nothing else - it all has already been discussed over and over!

 

i wonder if we took away the sexes (male-female( friendship, all of your opinions would still be the same?

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

i wonder if we took away the sexes (male-female) friendship, all of your opinions would still be the same?

[mustlovedogs]

Well the answer would depend on if you have feelings for the other person.

 

Which you clearly do.

 

If you didn’t, you wouldn’t care this much.

[Seraphim]

i wonder if we took away the sexes (male-female) friendship, all of your opinions would still be the same?

 

Yup. I would never demand this of a female or male friend .

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !

 

I get your point - I have been mrried for years and divorced now, been on this situation before and never expected my friends would expect me to invite them for Xmas...

At my case, being around his family is already the norm, know from his own and family mouth that they DO invite friends over on the 24th and 25th Dec, they wont have a "big party" as they have at their own country, but they are having a Xmas eve Dinner...

Anyhow, I do know from fact that the "FAMILY" would prioritise knowing that I am not alone over traditions, etc.

 

still, can not digest his SILENCE

 

xxx

[Seraphim]

I still think you are interested in him despite denying it.

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !

 

Well the answer would depend on if you have feelings for the other person.

 

Which you clearly do.

 

If you didn’t, you wouldn’t care this much.

 

possibly, I need to figure out why I care so much - I thing I am trying to blame him on my mistakes (the high expectations on him)

I would say if I knew for certaing that I was in love with him. But I care for him just as he cares for me (or me, expecting too much again?!)

 

I do not know, I do not think I am in love with him, maybe was too comfortble with his care for me, and for once I did not get what I am used to.

[Seraphim]

Well , and if you throw a tizzy you won't ever have it again . So just think about that . Because if someone who was just a friend blew a tantrum at me for not being invited for Christmas I would look at them like they were totally bananas and avoid them in the future.

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !

 

I still think you are interested in him despite denying it.

 

I am not denying, I am not sure. I am in a very difficult phase of my life, (and on his life) a lot of changes for both, and comfused about my feelings. I am alone, and he is the safe rock. I cant start a romantic relationship, with someone under a "coodependent" vibe.

Once I get my life back on track (which I am working on) I will be ready. - Now, I am so not sure, I do not have "dreams" about him as a partner, he needs me a lot and I need a lot too.

[Pleasedonot5]

Because that's an unrealistic expectation. It's his time with his family, and you are not his family. It's nice that he's able to listen to you vent and to be there to support you through it.

[mustlovedogs]

You can’t say you need to learn to not be codependent and then say you need each other.

 

And he’s not being silent. He’s checking in on you.

[pippy longstocking]

There is a bit too much going on in this thread for me to be jumping in ( marley o clock is well under way ) ....

 

So I am just going to leave it at this , Christmas brings out the loneliness like nothing else , so you make sure you buy yourself some nice food and call your friends and family on Christmas day and come on here and chat with people and just get through it ok ... best wishes x

[Hollyj]

i wonder if we took away the sexes (male-female) friendship, all of your opinions would still be the same?

 

Of course, it would be!

 

Good God! Let this go. It should also inspire you to make some more friends!

[MSilva]

I do have a lot to think about! Is it me or him being silence or cynical?

 

Cynical from his side, unfortunately is fact, it IS a very open friendship.

 

Massive change from our relationship norm, with no warning!

 

This is all I can feel now. Sorry, I do not mean to be dramatic, this is it - how I feel!

 

 

xxx

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !

 

I still think you are interested in him despite denying it.

 

There is a bit too much going on in this thread for me to be jumping in ( marley o clock is well under way ) ....

 

So I am just going to leave it at this , Christmas brings out the loneliness like nothing else , so you make sure you buy yourself some nice food and call your friends and family on Christmas day and come on here and chat with people and just get through it ok ... best wishes x

 

Thanks! will do... pippy longstocking

[MSilva]

Hahahaha it's like you were listening my last conversation with my parents

 

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

 

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !

 

I still think you are interested in him despite denying it.

 

Of course, it would be!

 

Good God! Let this go. It should also inspire you to make some more friends!

 

Thanks Hollyj.... I will do

 

xxx

[annie24]

Thank you all for the responses, it is a lot for me to reflect about!

 

I must say again that I have set expectations far too high, and ultimately I have to reconsider my own mistakes on this situation. But the point I still trying to digest is the honesty from his side regarding our friendship, and expectations - at so many occasions we never smoherered anything to make each other or self more confortable.

It has always been a thought beginning to get our friendship where it is (or was) with all the confusions and feelings involved.

 

But it is a friendship - nothing else - it all has already been discussed over and over!

 

i wonder if we took away the sexes (male-female( friendship, all of your opinions would still be the same?

 

Yes, my opinion would still be the same - a female best friend is not required to bring you to christmas with her family.

[firelily]

I noticed that people who are newcomers often make friends with other newcomers rather than locals. I studied in the city I was born in and I noticed people from outside made friendships more easily - they rented apartments together, went to diners together, spent time together as they all didn't have friends in the city, supported each other in problems related to studying, applying for scholarships etc. I already had this all at home, I had my long time friends around, and I didn't have so much to give to new people even though I liked some of them very much. If I were to travel abroad, I would sure find other outsiders to hang out with, that would make things easier on many levels, and I would be around people who just like me are in need of friends. And who want to have someone to spend Christmas with. Someone alone in new place is much more in need of company, closeness and affiliation than a person who has his folks around. As much as they're open to new friendships, their family will always come first.

 

Having that in mind, it's positively surprising that you made such a good friend in such a short time, and in another country. I think he must really care about you if he wants to call you every day on Christmas to check on you. He's already giving you a lot in this situation, for a friend.

 

I think you would understand that, if the roles were reversed - you lived in your own country and he was new to it. Of course, you'd invite him to your Christmas out of courtesy, but taking care of another person while you have your family nearby might start to feel smothering at some point.

 

I know a girl who is always nice to one of her friends. She has a few friends aside from her, but the friend doesn't have anyone else. She always says she needs to go with her somewhere because she has no other friends. She feels obliged to invite her to New Year's Eve party. Eventually all that pressure destroyed her friendship. She now had to ask her not to be her roommate anymore, because it feels too suffocating. She wanted to do it for months, but didn't want to be cruel to her friend. Now she still struggles with this decision, because she knows her friend has nowhere else to go, no other friends to contact in the city. But friendships like that don't work. They work if you want to be around the other person, not when you need to be around them, or you feel needed, like a substitute for their family.

 

So how about finding other friends, especially ones who have the same needs as you? It would be great to continue this relationship, whether it's just friendship or not, because this guy seems to really care about you. But with other people around to distribute your needs, your friendship would stand a much higher chance of surviving.

[j.man]

I only read through this thread because of Pippy.

 

All I can really say is you've got to make your own connections and your own networks.

[pippy longstocking]

I only read through this thread because of Pippy.

 

All I can really say is you've got to make your own connections and your own networks.

 

HAHAHAHA crack me up every time

[MissCanuck]

Perhaps he has started seeing someone, OP, and wouldn't feel comfortable bringing you around to an important family dinner.

 

I also live abroad, a continent away from my best friends and family. I have a local partner now, but before he and I met, I spent Christmas with other expats who - like me - were looking to recreate some holiday cheer. It's pleasant surprising how many connections you can make with others in the same boat. You need to start being more independent of this friend. He shouldn't be your only option for things like this.