I'm always the one messaging first lately.... not her.

[itsallgrand]

I think you'd do well to text less, not check her dating profiles ( doesn't matter as you are casually dating right now), forget about her unless it's to set up a date or you are on a date. You are overinvesting in someone too early.

 

There should be effort on her part soon, or the interest is not that strong.

 

Trust me. She already knows you like her. And she knows you are bending over a bit much . Don't do that.

[Zippy2000]

This sounds like what I will do. I'm in my mid 30s. I never initiated a conversation. We've been dating for a month and meet twice a week. So it will be our 8th dates (?). I like him a lot, and always really happy to hear from him, but I have never initiated anything first. There're times I miss him and so tempted to message or call him, but I just tried to find something else to do instead... I also have never asked to meet up or brought up dates. He has always been the one who asked so far.

I'm not sure if that causes him to think the same way you think? But he started to be more quiet too. .

 

Geeso! This about it. A relationship works BOTH ways If you don't message first, reach out or initiate. How would that make you feel? To me that would be LACK OF INTERESET on your part.

[TrueBlue631]

Thanks Grand. You make excellent points. I didn't realize I was bending over too much until you said so, and now I see it.

Ugh, unfortunately I sent her a message this morning (before reading this) after a date last night. I'm going to chill it out for a while, as we have another date Saturday.

 

I'm sensing she's getting bored, so maybe a communication break for the next few days would be good.

[willdation]

Why not give this a try......do not write her until she writes you first just for one week....

 

When she does write you, then set up a date. Simple.

 

I know it may sounds crazy, but I would really try this for one week to give her the space she needs....Women like to feel space and freedom to come and go as they please....If she is already not writing you, then she will want a bit of space for a bit....nothing wrong with that...it is just the way it is sometimes...

 

 

 

[katrina1980]

Why not give this a try......do not write her until she writes you first just for one week....

 

When she does write you, then set up a date. Simple.

 

I know it may sounds crazy, but I would really try this for one week to give her the space she needs....Women like to feel space and freedom to come and go as they please....If she is already not writing you, then she will want a bit of space for a bit....nothing wrong with that...it is just the way it is sometimes...

 

 

He said they have another date scheduled for Saturday, so how would that work?

 

If she doesn't initiate the next text, do you propose he blow her off?

 

Somehow I don't think that will play out very well.

[TrueBlue631]

If she doesn't initiate the next text, do you propose he blow her off?

 

Somehow I don't think that will play out very well.

 

I unfortunately did that a week or two ago, indirectly. She thought I lost interest and went back to/continued looking online, and didn't think she should have reached out to ME to check, as she's, per her words, "old fashioned" and expects the man to reach out.

 

So no, that didn't work.

[katrina1980]

Honestly OP, it would be best if you stop over-thinking this text messaging nonsense. Seriously.

 

She's accepting all your date invites, right? You're connecting on your dates, she's enthusiastic, affectionate, what's the problem?

 

I have never heard this much over-analysis over text messaging in my life. It's absurd.

 

Just focus on how well you get on when together. And if she responds to your texts in timely manner, and y'all have fun chats and dates.

 

If when together, or during your text chats, she seems "meh" like she's losing interest, or she starts flaking on dates, "then" pull back and go no contact for a week.

 

But not now while things are going well, she's responsive to you, accepting your dates. You have another date set for Saturday!

 

This makes no sense unless you're looking to self-sabotage.

 

I swear text messaging has become the devil. Has the potential to literally destroy a blossoming relationship.

 

Work on your anxieties and insecurities because in my opinion that is ALL this is.

[katrina1980]

I unfortunately did that a week or two ago, indirectly. She thought I lost interest and went back to/continued looking online, and didn't think she should have reached out to ME to check, as she's, per her words, "old fashioned" and expects the man to reach out.

 

So no, that didn't work.

 

So then why are you considering doing that again, or some variation thereof?

[katrina1980]

OP, this girl sounds high maintenance. Doesn't mean she's not interested, only that she has certain expectations of how a man should treat her, i.e. that HE do the initiating/pursuing. You pursue, she responds. Many women feel this way. Young, old, in between.

 

If this is not compatible with your nature, or what's comfortable for you, and is gonna cause you this much stress, then perhaps she's not a good fit for you.

 

Don't try to "trick" her into changing who she is/her nature by intentionally going no contact to see if she will step up and start initiating.

 

That will only cause HER to become uncertain and insecure.

 

That's assuming she even decides to "pick up the slack." Which, based on how she reacted last time, is doubtful.

 

She just might decide to walk away for good.

[TrueBlue631]

OP, this girl sounds high maintenance. Doesn't mean she's not interested, only that she has certain expectations of how a man should treat her, i.e. that HE do the initiating/pursuing. You pursue, she responds. Many women feel this way. Young, old, in between.

 

If this is not compatible with your nature, or what's comfortable for you, and is gonna cause you this much stress, then perhaps she's not a good fit for you.

 

I think you're right Katrina. I'm going to see how her visit to my home for dinner goes over the weekend. That will determine if I move forward or not.

[willdation]

He said they have another date scheduled for Saturday, so how would that work? If she doesn't initiate the next text, do you propose he blow her off?

 

That is great! OP should definitely go on that date

 

I would just recommend not texting or calling her today, tomorrow, and Saturday morning as the date is only 3 days away

 

I can almost guarantee she will reach out to him before Saturday.....she will most likely say something like - "Hey, I just wanted to check if our date is still on"

 

and all OP needs to say is "Of course I am a man of my word. We scheduled for Saturday at 7:00pm, so I will see you there "

[dave4443]

It's great she's still accepting dates, but the not receiving texts thing seems fishy? Have you seen her since then, just because that sounds like an excuse after being caught out

[katrina1980]

That is great! OP should definitely go on that date

 

I would just recommend not texting or calling her today, tomorrow, and Saturday morning as the date is only 3 days away

 

I can almost guarantee she will reach out to him before Saturday.....she will most likely say something like - "Hey, I just wanted to check if our date is still on"

 

and all OP needs to say is "Of course I am a man of my word. We scheduled for Saturday at 7:00pm, so I will see you there "

 

In an ideal world, I agree! And I think he should take your advice, and I hope that happens!

 

But given her previous actions when he "pulled back" earlier, again doubtful.

 

The more likely scenario is she 'won't' reach out, and when he contacts her Saturday afternoon to confirm, she will say "sorry, haven't heard from you so assumed date was off and made other plans."

 

I know how some women think! LOL. Especially women with such rigid expectations. I know a few and that's exactly what happened.

 

***

 

I am going to pull a flip-flop now and say she's NOT that into him. She may enjoy his attention, or she bored, but an interested woman "would" be reaching out.

 

I would! And do! When really into a man. Even when uncertain of his feelings for me. I'm nervous, heart racing, etc but WILL reach out. I've even double texted!

 

And I am not one who usually feels comfortable initiating in early stages. But will do it, again when interested.

 

People will often step out of character and their typical modus operandi when they meet a man/woman they really like. They just will, it's human nature.

 

When they don't like, they use excuses like "sorry haven't heard from you so...... whatever". Went back on site, made other plans.

 

It's all bull shyt.

 

OP, please let us know what happens! Follow your gut and stay true to yourself!

[TrueBlue631]

It's great she's still accepting dates, but the not receiving texts thing seems fishy? Have you seen her since then, just because that sounds like an excuse after being caught out

 

Yes, we've had a few dates since. And an upcoming one at my house Saturday.

[TrueBlue631]

Thanks Katrina. You give some great insight.

 

My gut is telling me she's not interested.

I'm guessing she's going to use this dinner on Saturday as the final test/gauge if that's the case.

Or just a free meal...

[reinventmyself]

Thanks Katrina. You give some great insight.

 

My gut is telling me she's not interested.

I'm guessing she's going to use this dinner on Saturday as the final test/gauge if that's the case.

Or just a free meal...

 

When faced with an unknown, why fill it in with the worst case scenario? Does it feel like you are preparing yourself for disappointment?

Seeing you can not read her mind and there is a couple different possibilities, why not fill it in with a positive outcome? It is a choice and sometimes a self fulfilled prophecy.

Besides, when you shift your thinking and become more positive about things like this, it shifts your energy and you become more attractive.

Basically, stop overthinking it. Enjoy the date - because it's just a date, nothing more.

[katrina1980]

When faced with an unknown, why fill it in with the worst case scenario? Does it feel like you are preparing yourself for disappointment?

Seeing you can not read her mind and there is a couple different possibilities, why not fill it in with a positive outcome? It is a choice and sometimes a self fulfilled prophecy.

Besides, when you shift your thinking and become more positive about things like this, it shifts your energy and you become more attractive.

Basically, stop overthinking it. Enjoy the date - because it's just a date, nothing more.

 

I do agree with reinvent here about positive thinking/energy. For the most part.

 

However, I know for me sometimes too much positive thinking has led me to disappointments because my positive thinking wasn't based on the actual "reality" of the situation.

 

It was based more on wishful thinking which is a subset of positive thinking. So I, or anyone, needs to be careful with that in my opinion.

 

To the OP, you say your gut tells you she's not interested.

 

Why do you feel this way? Is it because she doesn't initiate texts? That alone really shouldn't be all that relevant.

 

So what else? When you text and she responds, are you getting the sense she just isn't into it? Is she the one to always end the convos?

 

What about your dates? Is she enthusiastic, affectionate? Is there kissing, have you attempted more? Does she seem genuinely happy to be spending time with you?

 

It's important that you not allow your own anxiety, insecurities to lead you to assume a perception that just isn't real or true.

 

I've done it, I think we all have at one time or another.

 

But then again, it's equally important to listen to your gut and follow your intuition too and if/when you sense something is "off" pay attention and act accordingly.

[TrueBlue631]

 

To the OP, you say your gut tells you she's not interested.

 

Why do you feel this way? Is it because she doesn't initiate texts? That alone really shouldn't be all that relevant.

 

First and foremost, the biggest thing I noticed that’s no longer present (esp. after the texting mishap), is the lack of ENGAGEMENT. We used to have banter, and like I said, the occasional times where she might initiate a hello or good morning. That seems to be lacking now, as much as I try to open up the opportunity for it.

 

The lack of engagement and initiation I’m interpreting as a potential red flag…

 

So what else? When you text and she responds, are you getting the sense she just isn't into it? Is she the one to always end the convos?

 

I seem to be the only one doing all the efforts in moving this forward. From making dates, planning what we do, etc. Not that I don’t mind, but I want to get to know HER too, and experience what SHE likes. I feel if I wait for her to pick up the phone and plan a date, or otherwise, she'll just disappear again.

 

What about your dates? Is she enthusiastic, affectionate? Is there kissing, have you attempted more? Does she seem genuinely happy to be spending time with you?

 

Our dates are ok. It seems like an effort at time to keep convos going. She doesn’t seem like she’s in a rush to leave, but doesn’t seem 100% engaged.

We’ve kissed previously, but when I have tried to hold her hand, it seems lifeless, as she’s not “holding it back”.

 

 

All admit, part of this might be my fault, as the past two dates, I couldn’t kiss her b/c of a lingering cold sore that I didn’t want to infect her with. She said she was understanding but who knows. She may be getting bored or frustrated as a result. Thankfully its better now and I’ll be 100% kissable for our Sat. date.