Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 I didn't remember my old username, but about 10 years ago, I posted here regularly. My wife walked away, no clues....turns out she had an affair. Well that made me a mess for a long time, and I sunk all my time into work. The disadvantage of that was I was in a serious car accident, and now my back is one long metal rod, and I'm disabled. Now for today's issue, I'm 45. Over the years I met some women, none never really clicked. Turns out one of the first I went out with contacted me on Facebook, nothing romantic, was about a lost cat. Well this girl insisted she was broken, had a wall, etc, etc. Turns out when you got by that, she was a sweet, wonderful girl. We would make dates, she would have an excuse, I would quietly disappear and she would make contact again...well you get the picture. Eventually we got out and had a wonderful time. We've gone out about 10 times, no sex....not even an issue. We do go out, but the girl lives 2 minutes from me by car, after work, she'll take a nap.....there is no interest in her coming out during the week. (she has gone to see my sons basketball games twice), but they have no clue who she is.....I kept my love life, or lack of away from them. I ask her to come watch a movie, excuse, sometimes she is nice, sometimes not so much.....problem is I fell for her somewhere in the last 3 months. She has stated she wants things to work on, but her actions don't follow her words......by her . I'm not going to lie, my confidence took a huge hit during the divorce and things she said after. Does anyone have any advice how to navigate this hot/cold woman? I don't want to give up a good woman, since i never found one.....just not sure she is really into me, Advice? Happy Holidays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 yes! Says the woman who has been watching movies with a man for Over Two Years. Seriously. Read my journal if you can stand it. I doubt it’s tolerable for even 1 post. My advice: stay the course. Slow and steady and sort of predictable. And not too frequent, and when moved, see other women for a meal or a walk, any sort of company. This is your time to practice living your life without attaching, letting go while appreciating. You have a rare opportunity to stand back and let this unfold slower than molasses. Nobody will get it, and your mind should remain open and observant. Do not depend on a future outcome. That is my advice. Live this moment, trust the future will arrive when it gets here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Doesnt matter.....recently active on Match Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Doesnt matter.....recently active on Match So what. You’re not married and neither is she. Getting close to someone slowly will require much more faith than that. ETA That’s, faith in yourself, your ability to stay in control of yourself, your ability to learn, adjust, advance, recover, repeat. In my case, I went through dramatic shifts, dumping him, chastising him, missing him terribly, dropping contact due to my own excessive attachment. All the while he held me firmly in his grasp by being unflappable. Quiet, non responsive, until I had settled down again. You may bounce all over the place. If so, do it privately and do not communicate. Force yourself to back up, back off until you are comfortable. That may not mean dumping altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Someone who runs hot and cold or gives you mixed messages just isn't that into you. If you are left frustrated or upset most of the time, it means the person isn't right for you. Never settle. Hold out for someone you're compatible with. Someone who likes to spend as much time with you as you do with her. When you don't feel good about yourself, you will attract, and be attracted to (subconsciously) women who are unworthy of you. It's a long and tedious search for a new partner. I had to do it after I divorced my first husband. All the sweat and tears were worth it to reach the ultimate goal of finding my future lifetime partner. I wish for you the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 yes! Says the woman who has been watching movies with a man for Over Two Years. Seriously. Read my journal if you can stand it. I doubt it’s tolerable for even 1 post. My advice: stay the course. Slow and steady and sort of predictable. And not too frequent, and when moved, see other women for a meal or a walk, any sort of company. This is your time to practice living your life without attaching, letting go while appreciating. You have a rare opportunity to stand back and let this unfold slower than molasses. Nobody will get it, and your mind should remain open and observant. Do not depend on a future outcome. That is my advice. Live this moment, trust the future will arrive when it gets here. I like this advice and am curious and interested in your story; I may have to read your journal. But for now, you've been watching movies with a man for two years, no more than that? And when you find yourself getting too emotionally attached, you go no contact? In turn he does as well and then when your emotions calm down, you initiate contact again, he welcomes you back with open arms, you resume the movie watching till next time you become too attached, rinse. repeat? If I've got this right (I may not), NOT judging at all, I've got my own issues too. But if I may ask, what are you afraid of exactly, what is it about emotional closeness and attachment that scares you or causes you such discomfort? I can't say I relate to that particular fear, I actually love being close although admit it takes some time for a man to "break through" my protective shell, which isn't always easy for him to navigate and causes its own set of problems. But once that happens, I love being close, doesn't scare me or cause discomfort. My fear stems more from HIM feeling discomfort and pulling away, it's an insecurity which I am taking great strides to conquer. Fortunately, I contain it, don't burden him with it. It's MY own issue to resolve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Someone who runs hot and cold or gives you mixed messages just isn't that into you. If you are left frustrated or upset most of the time, it means the person isn't right for you. Never settle. Hold out for someone you're compatible with. Someone who likes to spend as much time with you as you do with her. When you don't feel good about yourself, you will attract, and be attracted to (subconsciously) women who are unworthy of you. It's a long and tedious search for a new partner. I had to do it after I divorced my first husband. All the sweat and tears were worth it to reach the ultimate goal of finding my future lifetime partner. I wish for you the same. I don't think it's always as simple as "he/she isn't all that into you." Sometimes that's true (maybe even more often than not) but sometimes it goes deeper than that. Admit it's often difficult to determine whether he/she isn't all that into you OR struggling with fears and anxieties that cause them to behave like they're not all that into you. When in fact it's the opposite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 and once again, i waited for a call that never came Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Well, you didn't give any information about this woman. If you actually talk to each other, really talk, you need to learn her background and then you'll have a clue as to how to handle her without wasting your time. For example, was she abused? Was she cheated on? Does she have social anxiety? Does she suffer from depression or bipolar disease? Is she extremely religious? Did one of her parents leave the marriage? You have to find out exactly what is going on with her. Your post is mostly about you and not about her. You can post a new message when you get the info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Well, you didn't give any information about this woman. If you actually talk to each other, really talk, you need to learn her background and then you'll have a clue as to how to handle her without wasting your time. For example, was she abused? Was she cheated on? Does she have social anxiety? Does she suffer from depression or bipolar disease? Is she extremely religious? Did one of her parents leave the marriage? You have to find out exactly what is going on with her. Your post is mostly about you and not about her. You can post a new message when you get the info. We talk alot, text I guess more, while at work, but we had plenty of long Christmas shopping trips, times sitting having beers, etc. I know she was cheated on at least once, I also know the boyfriend before me she said had an emotional affair (she talks about him more then I'd like but I listen). No way does she have social anxiety, but I know we discussed depression. Her Mother passed as did my Dad. She does say god has a plan, but I'm more religous then her, Ukranian Catholic for me, Catholic for her. I have tried to talk to her and believe me, I'm her biggest fan....in fact why I hung around at the beginning is a mystery, she was stuck on being broken, and alot was talking about her self worth and that's what made me start to really like her. I have times when I think she really likes me, in fact she will say so, but her actions say something different, My divorce was emotionally draining, I had 3 deployments and I'm sure that never helped. If I try and talk to here about how I feel, like would like more time to get closer, she gets mad.....but yet she will say she wants more time together.....she comes home from work and naps for hours. I wish I had the answers, she is a special person to me.....nut I don't know what to do.....i keep waiting for the call she is done, We live 2 minutes apart and see each other once a month. Now all she said, feels fake after seeing she is back om Match. er Another thing that bothers me, and joking about it gets me nowhere, she is buried in her phone 24//7, yet it will take her hours to answer texts from me....but her friends get 1st priority Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 since she had her issues and a wall, self admitted......sex hasn't been an option on my side....would that help? IDK.....I spent so much time being Dad and recovering from surgery, maybe I miss points Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 In this case I would just wait for her to reach out and when she does, set a date. Then just have a good time and keep things positive.... At the end of the date, go and try and kiss her (unless she is giving signs during the date and you could then). If she turns and gives you the cheek, then I would never go on a date with her again....and I would also say that you are not interested in being friends, but if she happens to change her mind you would love to hear from her... That's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 A person who only wanted to see me once a month? Pass. Whatever her issues or lack of interest, if you're not happy in the present, don't expect change in the future. Always pick someone you DON'T wish major things about their behavior were different or better. She has a right to be who she is, and you have the right to say it doesn't work for me and walk away. When you don't feel like a priority, you're not. If you want a woman to spend two or three days with you per week, go find one who shares your relationship dating needs. It's not this woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 I like this advice and am curious and interested in your story; I may have to read your journal. But for now, you've been watching movies with a man for two years, no more than that? And when you find yourself getting too emotionally attached, you go no contact? In turn he does as well and then when your emotions calm down, you initiate contact again, he welcomes you back with open arms, you resume the movie watching till next time you become too attached, rinse. repeat? If I've got this right (I may not), NOT judging at all, I've got my own issues too. But if I may ask, what are you afraid of exactly, what is it about emotional closeness and attachment that scares you or causes you such discomfort? I can't say I relate to that particular fear, I actually love being close although admit it takes some time for a man to "break through" my protective shell, which isn't always easy for him to navigate and causes its own set of problems. But once that happens, I love being close, doesn't scare me or cause discomfort. My fear stems more from HIM feeling discomfort and pulling away, it's an insecurity which I am taking great strides to conquer. Fortunately, I contain it, don't burden him with it. It's MY own issue to resolve. Copying this to my journal and answering there. Its truly been an adventure and a learning journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Well she bailed last minute on a Christmas shopping trip....I feel stupid at 45 to give someone so many chances. Then some bull story about watching a movie tomorrow, which nothing ever comes through.......I just was nice and agreed, but I know the answer, and I don't want conflict because she jumps all over it. Guess this thread is over, no regrets, I tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Why does someone make plans, and then back out the last minute? I dated alot, and never saw anything like this. Just like tomorrow will be a no go, so I'm not even looking at texts.....of course I felt bad for what she was through......but she threw everything that was ever thrown at her on me. Pretty crappy way of dealing with people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Copying this to my journal and answering there. Its truly been an adventure and a learning journey. Thank you, I am looking forward to following your journey! I've been on my own journey since late 2015; I should start one too, but fearful of (or maybe just uncomfortable) exposing myself so much, even though it's all anonymous. But writing is and has always been cathartic for me, so may rethink this. ETA: Apologies for the short hijack OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rozhni Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 This women is a lot like the girl that I am dating. We only see each other once a month. I try to push for once a week, but she’s always “busy” with something. She’s a good girl. Same the way you describe your woman. What I have learned is that my girl is just not that into men and having an emotional connection with a man. She may like everything about you, but she doesn’t seem to want your love. For whatever reason this may be. This is not your fault. This is something you have to make decision for yourself. If you cannot handle feeling the way she makes you feel, she is not the one for you. At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy ALL the time. You have to love yourself enough to either not get attached emotionally with her for now, or walk away from it all. You and I are in the same situation trust me. I’m constantly feeling left out in the cold by my girl too. I’m always going back and forth not knowing what to do. I’ve decided that I will keep my heart away from this girl and if I get a chance to date another girl, I will because I have to put myself first. If the right girl comes to me I will forget about this cold girl. The same will happen for you. Just relax and focus on other things and be open to meeting other women. Who knows, maybe she will notice you have distanced yourself and she will want you more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giants17 Posted December 10, 2017 Author Share Posted December 10, 2017 This women is a lot like the girl that I am dating. We only see each other once a month. I try to push for once a week, but she’s always “busy” with something. She’s a good girl. Same the way you describe your woman. What I have learned is that my girl is just not that into men and having an emotional connection with a man. She may like everything about you, but she doesn’t seem to want your love. For whatever reason this may be. This is not your fault. This is something you have to make decision for yourself. If you cannot handle feeling the way she makes you feel, she is not the one for you. At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy ALL the time. You have to love yourself enough to either not get attached emotionally with her for now, or walk away from it all. You and I are in the same situation trust me. I’m constantly feeling left out in the cold by my girl too. I’m always going back and forth not knowing what to do. I’ve decided that I will keep my heart away from this girl and if I get a chance to date another girl, I will because I have to put myself first. If the right girl comes to me I will forget about this cold girl. The same will happen for you. Just relax and focus on other things and be open to meeting other women. Who knows, maybe she will notice you have distanced yourself and she will want you more. Thank you for the reply, and I'm sorry you're going through it also. You're right, she is a good woman, and I hate to let that go, I dated alot during the last 8 years or so, and she has alot together, but I don't think she will ever really love me. That kind of throws a trigger I forgot about when I was getting a divorce, the ex said I was married to my country and no one will ever love me. The weird part, I feel she is the one for me, all I ever wanted.....but at the same time, I feel it's a battle I'm not going to win. Do I be a jerk and say bye during the holidays (she has no problems standing me up), or do I wait until afterwards...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rozhni Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 Do not say bye at all. Just leave without saying anything. Trust me. She will know and catch on that you are pulling away from her and why you are doing it. She will either 1. Feel happy that you finally leaving which if that is the case, forget about her, you don’t need that in your life or 2. She will try and reach out to you and talk to you to see what’s going on. Only respond to her if she reaches out to you and when she reaches out to you, just keep the texts short and ask if she is available to spend time with you, if she makes some kind of excuse just say something like “okay, sorry honey I have to go, I’m busy.” Do not text her anymore unless she texts you. When she texts you just reply 1 to 2 times and then ask to see her. Just focus on finding someone else. Try to go out where you can meet women. Go to bars, online dating, anywhere you can think of to meet women. You and I both know that as soon as you find a BEAUTIFUL and loving girl you will forget about this cold one. Imagine finding someone as beautiful and good of a girl as she is AND much more loving to you. Wouldn’t that be nice? Women want to know the man that they are dating is a strong, confident, alpha man. Show that you can find someone else and she will respect you more. You’ve waited long enough man. It’s time to REALLY move on. Don’t fake it. Move on for real. Great results will come! You are alpha male. Be like alpha male. Strong, confident, happy man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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