Being Belligerent Harassed and Stalked by my Boyfriend's Ex -- Advice Needed!!!

[tattoobunnie]

I have a crazy stalker MIL, so he could have broken up with her clearly, and she still would be taking her cray-cray out on you.

 

But one thing is for sure, get off of Instagram (it's a free for all) - this is why I only use FB to post photos (yup, I'm an old fart), since the privacy settings are for friends only to see photos and even send messages. And you can easily report the user.

 

And he must no longer engage in any form of communication with her. You must let him know that it only enables her stalking and poor behavior. Because after this many crazy messages, he responds, or this many calls, he responds. He needs to block, block block her from everything. And if she comes to his west coast place to call the cops. It's one thing if she is cyber-stalking you from a distance, but not saying anything. It's quite another when they start sending you messages filled with profanity.

 

The trying to "kill" herself act is really a way to manipulate control over someone. Don't fall for it. And you both need to put your foot down.

 

Even if he broke up with her before you two got back together, she'd still be stalking you - so stop playing nice. Nobody should make you feel unsafe!

[katrina1980]

 

And he must no longer engage in any form of communication with her. You must let him know that it only enables her stalking and poor behavior. Because after this many crazy messages, he responds, or this many calls, he responds. He needs to block, block block her from everything. And if she comes to his west coast place to call the cops.

 

This is precisely the issue though. He has not blocked her, is still engaging with her, under the guise of "friends," and plans to even spend time with her on West Coast when he visits, again under the guise of "friends."

 

And of course none of this stalking or harrassing would be happening at all had he not given her OP's name and nature of their RL in the first place.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me; as I said I hope their talk went well and they have reached an understanding that works for both.

[citrusgreen]

I am not sure what is getting lost in translation here!!! I appreciate that your intention is to help me, but I'm not sure where you all are getting these facts -- other from each other and each others interpretations! They are not coming from me or him. Even if it's well intentioned, all of this advice is not doing much good if it's based on misinformation. I'm sorry if my faulty writing is to blame, but seriously, this is starting to make me crazy, and feel really negative about everything, and is making me really frustrated because I've tried countless times to clarify, set out the facts, etc. You are entitled to whatever interpretation you want, but when you're basing it on facts that simply are not true, and voicing your personal suspicions as if they are proven facts and part of a concrete timeline, which never actually happened. It doesn't really seem helpful for anybody involved. Sorry if I sound ungrateful but I'm VERY frustrated with this. What follows is my last attempt clarify the facts:

 

He has not blocked her,

YES HE HAS BLOCKED HER! He blocked her from social media after they broke up. He blocked her from texting after her second harassing message to me (within 3 days of her first harassing message) direct message to me. And he blocked her from email when she managed to contact him that way after that. Confirmed during our convo last night.

 

is still engaging with her,

HE IS NOT ENGAGING WITH HER. Confirmed during our convo last night. Again, please, where are you getting this?

 

plans to even spend time with her on West Coast when

NO HE DOES NOT PLAN ON SPENDING TIME WITH HER! He never said such a thing. Will he go to the west coast again? Yes, of course. He works there. Will he be spending time with her? NO! As confirmed by our converstion last night. Also learned that he won't be going back to the west coast for awhile.

 

And of course none of this stalking or harrassing would be happening at all had he not given her OP's name and nature of their RL in the first place.

When they started dating, before he knew she was crazy, before he knew he'd get back together with me, D asked him about his dating history (normal question! The same question you guys encouraged me to ask him when re-engaging with him!) He said he'd been dating me. Gave my first name and a time frame. She figured out the rest, as I'm tagged in his old social media posts -- both from while we were dating and from before we started dating -- we knew each other for years before we started dating, and were just friends.

[boltnrun]

So you did have the talk with him and he did confirm he would have no further contact with her, he will not allow her to have any means to contact him, he will not be seeing or spending time with her, and you two are in an exclusive, committed relationship?

[citrusgreen]

Hi citrusgreen, just wanted to check in and say I hope your talk went well last night; that you each spoke honestly and reached a compromise/understanding that works for both of you.

 

Not that it matters now, but last night I had my weekly meet up (men and women) and I brought up your situation just to get the guys' take on it.

 

Two guys are huge multi-daters, and even they were shocked at your guy's actions.

 

Obviously, they feel dating and even having sex with more than one woman at a time is okay as long as no agreement to be exclusive has been discussed (and agreed upon).

 

Not that your guy is doing that, just sayin what the guys in my group think.

 

But they said it's in really bad form to tell the women about each other and specifically to refer to them by name.

 

They couldn't figure out why he would do that -- mention your name to the other girl he was/is seeing, the nature of your relationship such that she felt inferior and insecure and, as such, started sending you nasty messages and acting psycho, especially since he already knew how unstable she is.

 

Hopefully, you talked it out, reached an understanding and can move forward in a more positive manner, without all this unnecessary drama and confusion.

 

Hey Katrina,

Sorry, just saw this message now -- after writing my other response.

Hmm... are you somehow under the impression that he told her my name when he was seeing both of us? That's not what happened. If I can please clarify again below, the following sequence:

 

-April He and I break up, amicably. It's a very clean break.

-May He begins seeing D. Like your multi-dater guy friends, there is no agreement for them to be exclusive.

-At some point, presumably after they've hooked up a few times, D asks him what his dating status/dating history is. He tells her that he had been seeing a girl named [my first name] for a few years, but we'd broken up. [Note, at this point he had no reason to think he and I would ever start dating again].

-D pieces together my first name with social media tags of him/our mutual friends, etc, and figures out who I am. She starts asking him questions about me. I obviously know none of this.

-Sep He and D are still not exclusive (they never at any point before or after this had an exclusivity discussion).

-Sep He invites me to a group weekend (D isn't there). I'm expecting it to be platonic, but we wind up hooking up.

-Mid-Sep he tells D they can't date anymore, and stops sleeping with her.

-Oct He and I start seeing each other more.

-Nov I post a photo of a band on Insta and she writes mean comments all over it from a fake account. 3 days later, she direct messages on Insta from yet another fake account with even more mean things. He tells her she has to stop and then proceeds to block her (confirmed last night).

 

Was there a misunderstanding about the timeline of events? I don't quite understand what these other multi-daters were so shocked at. It's not like he was telling her about me while he was dating both of us. He never expected to be back with me. If she asked him, as they were beginning to see each other, "So are you dating anyone? Are you single? What's your status?" It seems so normal to me that he'd say "I was dating a girl named X for 2.5 years, but but we broke up a month ago." It just seems like such normal and even conversational info.

[katrina1980]

Well.... if I misinterpreted things, my bad and apologies. Others must have as well.

 

Happens sometimes on these threads, the written word can be very ambiguous. It's happened to me many times too.

 

A little confused why this 8-page thread then, other than you were initially upset about the belligerent and harassing messages but you said those stopped awhile ago (there were only two.) So should have this thread probably.

 

And your need to have this "talk" with him. But whatever, it's all cool now which is all that matters.

 

I am happy to hear things are going well, and you're okay with everything, again that is all that matters.

 

Best of luck moving forward together; I really do hope it all works out for you!

[citrusgreen]

It's OK, and thank you for taking the time to read my clarifications and respond.

 

I can tell that you are a kind and caring person (as are so many of you here), but was just feeling that misinterpretations and misunderstandings were being amplified by all of the eager participation, and started to be presented as facts.

 

I can see that especially my earlier posts were riddled with typos and written in the heat of the moment in a disorganized fashion -- and my subject line unintentionally misrepresented the magnitude and duration of the harassment -- and I'm sure these things were at the root of a lot of the confusion.

 

Anyway, I do sincerely thank you -- all. And will most likely be back to talk about other things.

 

Best to you...

[boltnrun]

So you did have the talk with him and he did confirm he would have no further contact with her, he will not allow her to have any means to contact him, he will not be seeing or spending time with her, and you two are in an exclusive, committed relationship?

 

Quoting myself because I didn't see a response.

 

I hope what I wrote above is what took place.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I agree with you Katrina, I was thinking the same thing that this thread went on for way too long. Much ado about...I don't know.

I wish I got as many responses to my question~

[abitbroken]

-Sep: He and D are still not exclusive (they never at any point before or after this had an exclusivity discussion).

-Sep: He invites me to a group weekend (D isn't there). I'm expecting it to be platonic, but we wind up hooking up.

-Mid-Sep: he tells D they can't date anymore, and stops sleeping with her.

-Oct: He and I start seeing each other more.

 

This is still one of the cruxes . He has been sleeping with D, then he sleeps with you (did you know he was dating someone?), and then later that month he tells her that they can't date anymore. You are saying "they never were exclusive" - its a technicality - they didn't 'have the talk" but they sort of did if she asked him about his dating history - What is dating someone - one person and no other people at the time and sleeping with them - to me that's pretty steady even if she meant nothing to him. I think you are making excuses by going with the line of thinking that he was "technically" single. He *was* entangled either way.

 

At any rate---- i am guessing that you didn't talk to him?