Being Belligerent Harassed and Stalked by my Boyfriend's Ex -- Advice Needed!!!

[citrusgreen]

Classic codependency.

 

You're afraid of running people off if you dare to ask for something or insist on honest transparency from anyone, because they might get mad and leave. Or, you reject them before they can reject you, because you expect rejection .

 

And yes, people can pick up on this. They know you'll do anything to keep them.

 

He can keep both you and this other woman because you won't insist on your right to be treated with honesty.

 

I wonder if you'd prefer to remain unsure of this situation. That way you can keep seeing him while telling yourself you're "fairly certain" he isn't still seeing her.

 

No, I do want to speak with him, like I said. I was just being honest and saying that it doesn’t come naturally to me. I also have never had a talk with a guy about status or exclusivity, because they’ve always initiated the talk. Apparently it is more normal for the woman to initiate, that just hasn’t been the case for me.

[Starlight925]

Apparently it is more normal for the woman to initiate, that just hasn’t been the case for me.

 

I've been in many, many relationships, and I've never initiated the exclusivity talk. I don't think there is a "normal", I just think that each relationship is different.

 

Look, the reason she's instagramming/making mean comments about you/bugging you is because he's creating the space for this to happen.

 

If he were to simply block her from any access and delete her contact info, she'd eventually give up. He's encouraging her under his "nice guy" guise of trying to be her friend. My exBF used the exact same specific language. He had to "be nice" and "be her friend" as he wanted to be a nice guy. Again, this is all B.S., as at least in my case, he wanted to keep her simmering on the back burner. If he blocks and she actually moves on and finds a new boyfriend, guess what he loses....his back burner girl.

 

If he hasn't initiated an exclusivity talk, then you should simply ask about it, and see what he says. There is no "normal".

[katrina1980]

citrusgreen, to me this is so simple. And I don't say that about many things especially when it comes to relationships.

 

You should not be having to deal with this, at all!

 

LHGirl is absolutely right, the only reason you are is because HE has created the space and circumstances for this to happen.

 

I'm sorry but there was no reason on god's green earth for him to have mentioned "your" name to her.

 

Especially knowing how unstable she is, which having dated her, he was sure to have known.

 

However, I see in an earlier post, you have excused that, justified it, essentially shuffled it under the rug.

 

No, there IS no excuse or justification for it. He never should have and because he did, that is why all this sh** is happening.

 

And what is he doing about it? Continuing to pull you into this drama by showing you her texts, creating the space for this lunacy to continue by not blocking her and deleting her from his life.

 

This would so not be okay for me, why is it okay for you?

 

What's going on within you that causes you to tolerate all this?

 

I don't even think you should have to talk to him.

 

He should be wanting to cut her off himself! Why isn't he?

 

I understand infatuation can be blinding, but it's important to behave prudently as well.

 

This is just so wrong on so many levels, and should not be happening, period, end of.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the others, OP. Your guy is letting this continue. It shouldn't even be an issue; he could have shut this down immediately, and he should have already done so, especially considering the nastiness directed at you. That for me would have been the absolute deal-breaker in cutting off all ties with this person, if I were in his shoes.

 

Think about it: if some loon from your past started insulting and harassing your guy, would you allow it and continue to try to be "friendly"? I doubt it.

[citrusgreen]

citrusgreen, to me this is so simple. And I don't say that about many things especially when it comes to relationships.

 

You should not be having to deal with this, at all!

 

LHGirl is absolutely right, the only reason you are is because HE has created the space and circumstances for this to happen.

 

I'm sorry but there was no reason on god's green earth for him to have mentioned "your" name to her.

 

Especially knowing how unstable she is, which having dated her, he was sure to have known.

 

However, I see in an earlier post, you have excused that, justified it, essentially shuffled it under the rug.

 

No, there IS no excuse or justification for it. He never should have and because he did, that is why all this sh** is happening.

 

And what is he doing about it? Continuing to pull you into this drama by showing you her texts, creating the space for this lunacy to continue by not blocking her and deleting her from his life.

 

This would so not be okay for me, why is it okay for you?

 

What's going on within you that causes you to tolerate all this?

 

I don't even think you should have to talk to him.

 

He should be wanting to cut her off himself! Why isn't he?

 

I understand infatuation can be blinding, but it's important to behave prudently as well.

 

This is just so wrong on so many levels, and should not be happening, period, end of.

 

Thank you all for your insight. I really do appreciate. I am definitely keeping my eyes and ears open and am going to see him and talk about things with him tonight.

 

I’m not trying to justify anything or sweep anything under the rug, however I do feel like maybe the story, as I laid it out, might have given off the wrong impression.

 

I just want to clarify:

 

-This has NOT been going on for months or even weeks. They’ve been broken up for 2 months, and nothing seemed crazy at all.

 

-Her first comment to me was a late night drunken anonymous post on my Instagram, 7 days ago—spurred by a photo I’d posted which she interpreted to mean that he’d gotten back together with me after breaking up with her. When that happened he told her to stop contacting him and me right after that, and proceeded to ignore her thinking that would suffice.

 

-Things stayed quiet for 3 days at which point she created another anonymous account and sent me a short series of nasty Instagram messages all at once in the middle of the night This was just 4 days ago. And sent him a nasty text at the same time. The apology email came 12 hours after that. This all coincided with thanksgiving so we were not able to meet or talk in person, but we are tonight.

 

-I think the underlying issue — and I know this isn’t the best thing in the world — but to be perfectly blunt: I ended the relationship with him back in April, because I wasnt able to get to a point where *I* wanted to be serious with him. He was sad, and rebounded with this girl. He was probably still a little hung up on me. The girl sensed it and somehow figured out who I was. I had no contact with her or him during this time... I was off on my own, living life. I dated a few guys, and they were fine but also made me appreciate and miss my ex more than I realized I had.

 

-He and I wound up re-connecting in September. He initiated this. This is possibly what he wanted all along. Our reconnection went well, and he subsequently ended things with the girl. That was a little over 2 months ago.

 

-I’m not sure if he broke up with her for me, or if things weren’t working out with her anyways. I imagine it was a bit of both. I imagine things would have gone on for longer between them if I hadn’t re-entered the picture. Although I’m certain (as are all our mutual friends) that there was no serious future between them.

 

It just doesn’t seem like that crazy of a scenario to me. People break up, have rebounds, and then go back to their original person all the time. It’s not the best practice, and it’s patently unfair to the reboundee. In this case the rebound was really hurt. I feel guilty about that, and I’m sure he feels more guilty about it. She’s finally figured out that I might be the reason they broke up, and is lashing out at me.

 

I contacted Instagram with her anonymous account in the hopes they will prevent her from making future fake accounts through which to harass me. I haven’t yet made my account private; I will do that if necessary but use my account also for professional purposes and prefer not to do that.

 

I did date this guy for 2.5 years prior with no drama at all. He always treated me well. And I was the reason we didn’t move forward, not him.

 

I’m also not “infatuated”. Remember, this is a person I held a bit at arms length for a very long time because I simply wasn’t ready to be in a more serious relationship. I’m trying to be more open and vulnerable this time, because I do like him and feel ready to be more open. But I’m still being super cautious.

 

Anyway, gonna talk to him tonight.

[JaggerJim]

I agree with the others, OP. Your guy is letting this continue. It shouldn't even be an issue; he could have shut this down immediately, and he should have already done so, especially considering the nastiness directed at you. That for me would have been the absolute deal-breaker in cutting off all ties with this person, if I were in his shoes.

 

Think about it: if some loon from your past started insulting and harassing your guy, would you allow it and continue to try to be "friendly"? I doubt it.

 

I agree.

 

You have a very high opinion of yourself regarding this guy.

[citrusgreen]

I agree.

 

You have a very high opinion of yourself regarding this guy.

 

So you guys really think I should just end things with him straight off because I got these 2 messages? I’m not saying you’re wrong... I’m just surprised most people don’t think I should speak with him.

 

It seems to me that if that’s the case, I can just put an end to any relationship that any ex of mine gets into by sending 2 crazy texts to whatever new person they date. (Not that I’d EVER do that). Then they could come on this board and you’d all tell them to break up right away with so and so because he’s obviously dating citrus green too? I’ve been heartbroken enough times to understand the urge.

 

I honestly don’t have a high opinion of myself, and that seems like kind of a judgemental thing to say on a board intended to help and support people but you’re entitled to your viewpoint.

 

I was simply trying to lay out a timeline and be more blunt with the what I know. I have plenty of doubts about all sorts of things (hence my fear and hesitance to open up and be in a relationship for 2.5 years and hence my consulting this board). I just wasn’t expecting this black and white “this guy is absolutely a total jerk and a player” response to 2 nasty messages from a woman I understand to be his ex.

[boltnrun]

Now you're sure he "broke up" with her?

 

Previously you wrote you are "fairly certain" he stopped seeing her.

 

Then you wrote that even after he started "seeing" you again, he was still spending time with her, allegedly as "friends".

 

So, he has a history of overlapping at the very least, and seeing the both of you at the same time at worst.

 

The best scenario, of course, would be him confirming that he is not seeing her (under ANY circumstances), that he will not see her when he returns to her area to live, he lets her know that he will not be seeing her again AND that he's dating you, and that he blocks her from any form of contact with him.

 

Hopefully all of that will happen.

 

If he's evasive, if he insists that he can maintain contact with her "as friends", or if he refuses to give you any assurances...well then you have a big decision to make.

[citrusgreen]

Now you're sure he "broke up" with her?

 

Previously you wrote you are "fairly certain" he stopped seeing her.

 

Then you wrote that even after he started "seeing" you again, he was still spending time with her, allegedly as "friends".

 

So, he has a history of overlapping at the very least, and seeing the both of you at the same time at worst.

 

The best scenario, of course, would be him confirming that he is not seeing her (under ANY circumstances), that he will not see her when he returns to her area to live, he lets her know that he will not be seeing her again AND that he's dating you, and that he blocks her from any form of contact with him.

 

Hopefully all of that will happen.

 

If he's evasive, if he insists that he can maintain contact with her "as friends", or if he refuses to give you any assurances...well then you have a big decision to make.

 

Sorry, what I meant about being “fairly certain” was that he TOLD me he broke up with her and this was corroborated by 2 months worth of social media posts she made, as well as confirmation from his best friend. (His best friend actually said, if you could even call it a break up, it wasn’t a real relationship). I’m not sure why i used the words “fairly certain”. That’s just the way I speak (I’m literal).

 

But yes it’s true that he remained friendly with her. It’s weird for me to draw a hard line against that, but in this case I believe I can and should. Thank you guys for giving me the confidence to do so. The weird thing is, she hadn’t been so crazy, I’d never have thought I would have a right to request he end all contact with her.

 

Yeah if he’s evasive about that request, I will certainly be concerned.

 

Thanks!!!!

[Honeycomb8]

Jeez this guy is playing you so hard. I hope you see clearly soon.

[ThatwasThen]

Or he's just an idiot that hasn't the sense to get rid of bunny boiler who mistreats his girlfriend. Most men would want to disappear on someone who is so unstable that she'd attack the new woman in his life. She's unstable fer gawd sakes.

[Vanishing Girl]

Yes, I suppose so. But my fear is not specific to him. Probably a result of a lot family trauma growing up — I’m generally have a hard time asking for things or doing anything that might be seen as demanding. This is in work, friendships, relationships, etc. trying to work on this. Just acknowledging here that it’s not my usual M.O. and doesn’t come naturally to me.

 

The sad irony is that my hesitance to vocalize questions/concerns or state needs has probably caused more harm to relationship than good, as its perceived as disinterest or aloofness. Also isn’t great for helping me to set up situations that work for me. I tend to either take exactly what’s offered or disappear with no explanation. Either that or I let everything build up quietly and then release it unexpectedly in a very unproductive damaging way.

 

 

After seeing this, I take back my earlier post. Except assertive communication IS where it’s at! IMO just not sure about giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Having a toxic upbringing predisposes us to more of the same unless we’re really aware of our patterns. It’s not impossible to learn and grow within a safe relationship but starting out in this way, along with everything else you posted (lots of similarities between our areas that need attention- in stating our needs clearly and bolting unless we’re accepting what’s offered-usually crumbs) is STILL something I struggle with. Therefore I wonder, giving him the benefit of the doubt likely means tread carefully? Maybe our “gut” isn’t picking up what’s wrong because it feels familiar.

 

Therapy (body movement and traditional) and extreme self care has helped me immensely!

[MissCanuck]

So you guys really think I should just end things with him straight off because I got these 2 messages? I’m not saying you’re wrong... I’m just surprised most people don’t think I should speak with him.

 

I think you shouldn't be so afraid to speak to him directly about this, and assert your own boundaries.

 

Also, the title of your post (harassed and stalked) certainly suggests more than a mere two messages. I think you need to get straight with yourself about how much this bothers you, as you appear to be back-pedaling now. Someone sending you two messages doesn't exactly qualify as stalking and harassment, does it? You flip back and forth between being upset this is happening and then minimizing how much has actually transpired. It's tricky for posters for respond to that when your own response to this seems so inconsistent.

 

In any event, this would be the ideal time to work on speaking up for yourself. You admit you are hesitant to ask for what you want, in all areas of your life. Many of us are. But here is the opportunity to do just that. If you can't or won't, you can be nearly sure that this won't be the last you hear about this woman.

[DaisyMayPorter]

How do you know there wasn’t anything else going on during your 2.5 years together? If there’s another person now, maybe there was another person then, but that person was a bit more stable then this current girl so you never knew about her.

 

I’ve known someone like this, the situation wasn’t exactly like this, but I knew someone who had a “girl friend” but then was also heavily trying to flirt/be with other women.

Some guys can easily play two women, if they are charming enough, and the women are not paying enough attention.

 

No offense at all, you seem like a nice person, but if this was a normal relationship, you would not be asking for advice online about this and you would be able to talk to him easily about this. He sounds like bad news – you deserve a lot better. And stop making excuses for him and stop blaming yourself for your relationship not moving forward before. Move on to a healthier, better relationship with a one-woman, emotionally healthy man. It saddens me that this selfish man has kids too.

 

There are better men out there. What’s that saying – if you stand at the train station and just miss the train that comes in, what happens next? Another train pulls into the station.

[citrusgreen]

I think you shouldn't be so afraid to speak to him directly about this, and assert your own boundaries.

 

Also, the title of your post (harassed and stalked) certainly suggests more than a mere two messages. I think you need to get straight with yourself about how much this bothers you, as you appear to be back-pedaling now. Someone sending you two messages doesn't exactly qualify as stalking and harassment, does it? You flip back and forth between being upset this is happening and then minimizing how much has actually transpired. It's tricky for posters for respond to that when your own response to this seems so inconsistent.

 

In any event, this would be the ideal time to work on speaking up for yourself. You admit you are hesitant to ask for what you want, in all areas of your life. Many of us are. But here is the opportunity to do just that. If you can't or won't, you can be nearly sure that this won't be the last you hear about this woman.

 

Thank you. I made the post right after her second messages came in and I was really, really upset (because the things she said in it were so mean). I totally realize that the title alone makes it seem like more of an ongoing issue, but I was writing from the position of having JUST received the second messages and felt overwhelmed and upset. I actually wanted to update the thread’s title later (since the harassment stopped) but wasn’t able to do so.

 

Thank you for the encouragement to speak up and state my needs.

[boltnrun]

How did your talk with him go?

[citrusgreen]

How did your talk with him go?

 

Thank you for checking. You are so nice to ask. I’m disappointed in myself. I practiced the talk with a supportive friend of mine beforehand. L and I wound up going to a party. In my head I was thinking we wouldn’t stay long and I would talk to him after the party, but it was festive we wound up staying late (and having fun) and going to a friends house after that and *then* to a bar. Late night, lots of fun, but no chance to talk.

 

It’s unfortunate because the timing was good for a talk.

 

I know I need to do it. And I will.

[citrusgreen]

After seeing this, I take back my earlier post. Except assertive communication IS where it’s at! IMO just not sure about giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Having a toxic upbringing predisposes us to more of the same unless we’re really aware of our patterns. It’s not impossible to learn and grow within a safe relationship but starting out in this way, along with everything else you posted (lots of similarities between our areas that need attention- in stating our needs clearly and bolting unless we’re accepting what’s offered-usually crumbs) is STILL something I struggle with. Therefore I wonder, giving him the benefit of the doubt likely means tread carefully? Maybe our “gut” isn’t picking up what’s wrong because it feels familiar.

 

Therapy (body movement and traditional) and extreme self care has helped me immensely!

 

What you say is SO true. It’s taken me years to recognize my patterns or to even realize that particular difficulties and issues exist for me, let alone heal them. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found your own growth and healing... it’s reassuring. Would be curious to hear about your therapy experiences/suggestions if it’s something you feel comfortable sharing.

 

Many thanks for your insights.

[boltnrun]

Thank you for checking. You are so nice to ask. I’m disappointed in myself. I practiced the talk with a supportive friend of mine beforehand. L and I wound up going to a party. In my head I was thinking we wouldn’t stay long and I would talk to him after the party, but it was festive we wound up staying late (and having fun) and going to a friends house after that and *then* to a bar. Late night, lots of fun, but no chance to talk.

 

It’s unfortunate because the timing was good for a talk.

 

I know I need to do it. And I will.

 

The "timing" will never be perfect. There will always be parties, visits, bars...it's up to you how long you want to live in this unpleasant limbo.

 

Yes, I'm trying to push you. That's because I subjected myself to a very similar situation for FOUR YEARS. It was horrible. I came out of it needing years to recover.

[katrina1980]

OP, this whole "timing wasn't tight" thing is just an avoidance tactic in my opinion.

 

My sense is, despite your assertions to the contrary on this thread, you don"t 'want' to talk to him because you are not yet emotionally prepared or ready to walk away should he refuse to cut her off and/or gives you some (in his eyes) plausible reason why he still needs to remain "friends" with her.

 

Which will no doubt be BS, but you'll believe him, unless and until you can gather the strength and emotional fortitude to put "your" best interests FIRST.

 

Not sure what "story" you are telling yourself that makes this all okay.

 

I also don't believe, as boltnrun suggested, that you are in an "unpleasant limbo." If it were that unpleasant, you'd either be talking or leaving.

 

Since you're doing neither, and actually had a great time with him the other night, I suspect it's the opposite. You're having a blast with him.

 

Frankly I am not sure what the purpose of your posting on this forum is.

 

You have been given some terrific advice, you acknowledge it's right on and that you do need to talk, but then when the opportunity presented itself to do so (which it DID) you avoided.

 

Bottom line, you're not ready to hear what is most likely the truth, and walk away .

 

Which is fine but OWN that.

 

And stop attempting to appease those on this forum trying to help you by "promising" one thing (that you would talk to him), and then coming back and giving us a bunch of BS excuses why you couldn't. It's insulting.

 

You don't need to appease or answer to any of us citrusgreen. We're just objective observers giving you what we believe is the best advice based on our own experiences.

 

Answer to YOURSELF.

 

You don't want or not ready to talk? Not ready to walk away?

 

That is FINE, it's your life, but again just OWN that.

 

I'd never negatively judge you for that, I've been there myself.

 

Learned the hard way. That's how I've learned most things in my life, the hard way.

 

Sorry this came off harsh, but I've never been one to hold back thoughts.

 

Good luck whatever happens.

[citrusgreen]

OP, this whole "timing wasn't tight" thing is just an avoidance tactic in my opinion.

 

My sense is, despite your assertions to the contrary on this thread, you don"t 'want' to talk to him because you are not yet emotionally prepared or ready to walk away should he refuse to cut her off and/or gives you some (in his eyes) plausible reason why he still needs to remain "friends" with her.

 

Which will no doubt be BS, but you'll believe him, unless and until you can gather the strength and emotional fortitude to put "your" best interests FIRST.

 

Not sure what "story" you are telling yourself that makes this all okay.

 

I also don't believe, as boltnrun suggested, that you are in an "unpleasant limbo." If it were that unpleasant, you'd either be talking or leaving.

 

Since you're doing neither, and actually had a great time with him the other night, I suspect it's the opposite. You're having a blast with him.

 

Frankly I am not sure what the purpose of your posting on this forum is.

 

You have been given some terrific advice, you acknowledge it's right on and that you do need to talk, but then when the opportunity presented itself to do so (which it DID) you avoided.

 

Bottom line, you're not ready to hear what is most likely the truth, and walk away .

 

Which is fine but OWN that.

 

And stop attempting to appease those on this forum trying to help you by "promising" one thing (that you would talk to him), and then coming back and giving us a bunch of BS excuses why you couldn't. It's insulting.

 

You don't need to appease or answer to any of us citrusgreen. We're just objective observers giving you what we believe is the best advice based on our own experiences.

 

Answer to YOURSELF.

 

You don't want or not ready to talk? Not ready to walk away?

 

That is FINE, it's your life, but again just OWN that.

 

I'd never negatively judge you for that, I've been there myself.

 

Learned the hard way. That's how I've learned most things in my life, the hard way.

 

Sorry this came off harsh, but I've never been one to hold back thoughts.

 

Good luck whatever happens.

 

I am seeing him tonight. He asked me to dinner. And this time I will be able to talk to him. Yes, I’m pretty nervous about speaking to him because I’ve never had this kind of convo with anybody.

 

I understand that you think this guy is bad news. I wonder if you would have thought that if I’d told you the exact same story without the part about this girl sending me nasty notes. He wasn’t sleeping us at the same time! There was a week overlap between him unexpectedly hooking up with me and ending things with her.

 

I already explained that the title of my thread unintentionally misrepresented the length and magnitude of her harassment, but I wrote that post 10 mins after reading her notes to me and was really shaken.

 

You somehow seem really convinced that this guy has no serious feelings for me and would be completely unwilling to commit to me, despite the fact (ad I explained in my recent post) that he asked me before for a committed relationship and I wasn’t ready. And broke up with him.

 

You may be correct, I’m not ruling it out. But I’m just unclear where you’re getting that from. Is your issue that he dated someone after id broken up with him? Is it that he has a home on both coasts? (As necessitated by his work).

 

Im sorry if I’m coming across as harsh, but I’m just a little overwhelmed by your certainty in all of this. I do appreciate the tough love.

 

And I’d appreciate advice about the talk tonight. Because as I said I am shy and nervous about it.

 

My main question is whether, I’m the talk, I should focus on defining our relationship and requesting exclusivity? Or should I just ensure that he no longer in touch with D and tell him that I’m not interested in seeing him anymore if he is. The latter would be much easier for me to broach, and I honestly don’t have much of a problem doing that. The first feels harder and scarier.

 

I think that the experience of initiating either of the above talks will be good for my growth regardless of the outcome.

[abitbroken]

I understand that you think this guy is bad news. I wonder if you would have thought that if I’d told you the exact same story without the part about this girl sending me nasty notes. He wasn’t sleeping us at the same time! There was a week overlap between him unexpectedly hooking up with me and ending things with her.

 

I already explained that the title of my thread unintentionally misrepresented the length and magnitude of her harassment, but I wrote that post 10 mins after reading her notes to me and was really shaken.

 

You somehow seem really convinced that this guy has no serious feelings for me and would be completely unwilling to commit to me, despite the fact (ad I explained in my recent post) that he asked me before for a committed relationship and I wasn’t ready. And broke up with him.

 

I don't believe he doesn't care about you. I think he does. However I think like you said, he is a people pleaser. And he tree branches from one woman to the next. The minute he wasn't going to continue with you - he found someone else immediately. And when he saw a something shiner and brighter, he ditched the woman he was with. You are still making a bit of some excuses for him - clarifying over and over again how it isn't actually like we think. Yes, he was sleeping with you at the same time because he was with her, he flew to your coast and slept with you and THEN broke up with her a week later. Even if he wasn't actually physically having sex with her - she was the woman with whom he was having a relationship with. he did not break up with her in order to pursue you -- and take a chance that maybe you would want him, maybe you wouldn't. he waited for a guarantee that breaking up would be "worth it".

[boltnrun]

Also, he (by his own admission) continued to see her after he "broke up" with her. And this took place while he was "seeing" you.

 

I think both questions need to be addressed; if he has ceased ALL contact with her and if he wants an exclusive relationship with you. I mean, do you really feel comfortable with him living right near her if you're not sure if the two of you are exclusive? Some "friends" do have casual sex, you know...

[katrina1980]

citrusgreen, I never said I didn't think he cares about you.

 

I actually have no idea whether he does or doesn't.

 

I'm sure he likes you on some level otherwise he wouldn't be dating you.

 

My issue wasn't so much with him and what he does or doesn't feel for you, but more with you and your reactions.

 

It just sounded to me, the way you kept backtracking, that you were attempting to somehow justify what was happening so as to make it okay for you to stay.

 

Agreeing with posters, sounding troubled by all this, saying you were going to talk to him and then deciding the timing wasn't right or whatever. I thought that sounded like bull**** to me. If I was mistaken about that, I apologize.

 

IMO it IS okay for you to stay, it's even okay if you don't want to talk to him, it's okay for you to do whatever you want or don't want to do.

 

For me, I wouldn't be talking, I would be leaving.

 

I don't get involved (sexually, emotionally) with men who are involved with other women. Especially a woman with whom he's had sex previously and was emotionally connected to at least on some level.

 

And who sent me nasty messages and he didn't do anything to stop it except continue to engage with her and then show you her messages.

 

It's too messy for me, so no thanks. I'd rather not go there no matter how intoxicating our chemistry.

 

But it's your life not mine. And hey, it could work out, who knows.

 

ETA: I just read that you are going to see him tonight and talk to him. I have found that planning what to say never works out well.

 

At least it's been that way for me.

 

I mean you can have an idea what you want to say, but let it come out naturally. Those are the best kinds of talks IMO.

 

Good luck tonight and I seriously mean that!

[katrina1980]

Hi citrusgreen, just wanted to check in and say I hope your talk went well last night; that you each spoke honestly and reached a compromise/understanding that works for both of you.

 

Not that it matters now, but last night I had my weekly meet up (men and women) and I brought up your situation just to get the guys' take on it.

 

Two guys are huge multi-daters, and even they were shocked at your guy's actions.

 

Obviously, they feel dating and even having sex with more than one woman at a time is okay as long as no agreement to be exclusive has been discussed (and agreed upon).

 

Not that your guy is doing that, just sayin what the guys in my group think.

 

But they said it's in really bad form to tell the women about each other and specifically to refer to them by name.

 

They couldn't figure out why he would do that -- mention your name to the other girl he was/is seeing, the nature of your relationship such that she felt inferior and insecure and, as such, started sending you nasty messages and acting psycho, especially since he already knew how unstable she is.

 

Which of course resulted in you now knowing about her and thus, as you admitted, feeling insecure, unsure, and inferior to HER.

 

They said this is called 'playing two women against each other'; it's a huge ego boost, and the only reason they could of why he did it was to cause DRAMA and to keep each woman off balance.

 

That was exactly my issue with it as well, which I mentioned in an earlier post.

 

Of course we are hearing all this on a message board, we don't know all the other intricacies and nuances involved, so it's all just speculation really.

 

Hopefully, you talked it out, reached an understanding and can move forward in a more positive manner, without all this unnecessary drama and confusion.