Why do we pick people who don't want us?

[ThatwasThen]

Well, if Greta wants to stop getting emotionally involved with guys like the one who has her in pain, then she won't stick around for all those ups and downs hoping that one day he'll turn into the guy she wants. Life is too short to be in emotional pain for a lot of that short time.

[katrina1980]

Well, if Greta wants to stop getting emotionally involved with guys like the one who has her in pain, then she won't stick around for all those ups and downs hoping that one day he'll turn into the guy she wants. Life is too short to be in emotional pain for a lot of that short time.

 

Agree, and I'm sorry but I am not familiar with Greta's situation, I was only responding to what is happening with mandeelove, the OP.

 

Although what you said applies to her too.

 

I wouldn't advise hanging around either when red flags are flying. I certainly wouldn't, not anymore anyway.

 

But typically when in the throes of early infatuation, we just don't notice them or if we do, we shuffle under the rug. Rationalizing or justifying them away.

 

It's only later when the pain gets so bad, reality hits and we are almost forced to leave.

 

Or should leave anyway.

 

Also, hard as it may be to believe, there are some people (men and women) who thrive on these types of relationships, with all the ups and downs, highs and lows, high drama. They hate it and love it at the same time.

 

So there is that too.

[ThatwasThen]

Agree, and I'm sorry but I am not familiar with Greta's situation, I was only responding to what is happening with mandeelove, the OP.

Sorry, mentioned the wrong Op's name (but both greta and mandee are picking guys that don't want them the way they want the guys they are choosing to become vulnerable to.

 

Although what you said applies to her too.

Yes. I agree.

 

I wouldn't advise hanging around either when red flags are flying. I certainly wouldn't, not anymore anyway.

 

But typically when in the throes of early infatuation, we just don't notice them or if we do, we shuffle under the rug. Rationalizing or justifying them away.

That may happen the first time you are infatuated during your early dating years but it shouldn't happen again if the lessons are learned. and we have formed some strong personal boundaries we won't let anyone break down.

 

 

 

 

Also, hard as it may be to believe, there are some people (men and women) who thrive on these types of relationships, with all the ups and downs, highs and lows, high drama.

 

So there is that too.

If someone is addicted to emotional trauma and they are on here lamenting about why they pick guys that don't want them then that is the time that therapy would do them well so they can figure out why they do that and have a better answer then 'because it feels so good when it stops.'

 

Cheers.

[katrina1980]

Sorry, mentioned the wrong Op's name (but both greta and mandee are picking guys that don't want them the way they want the guys they are choosing to become vulnerable to.

 

Yes. I agree.

 

That may happen the first time you are infatuated during your early dating years but it shouldn't happen again if the lessons are learned. and we have formed some strong personal boundaries we won't let anyone break down.

 

 

 

 

If someone is addicted to emotional trauma and they are on here lamenting about why they pick guys that don't want them then that is the time that therapy would do them well so they can figure out why they do that and have a better answer then 'because it feels so good when it stops.'

 

Cheers.

 

Agree with all^.

 

Someone once described the high drama RL as being akin to playing the slots at Vegas.

 

You just never knew when you were gonna get the "good stuff" but when you did, the HIGH was like no other.

 

It's like an addiction to drugs, literally.

 

I think there is even a name for it "love addiction" there are therapists who specialize in it!

 

Cheers to you too!

[glitterfingers]

Second para, yes! Wholeheartedly agree.

 

First para, I could be wrong but I read glitter's response as meaning that, as time goes on and we get to know someone better, feelings can change.

 

A man (or woman if roles are reversed) could be very interested in someone initially, essentially "choosing' them, but then after getting to know better, for whatever reason, changed their mind/feelings and "un-chose" them.

 

It's pretty common actually.

 

That is how I interpreted what glitters said snyway, I could be wrong.

 

Yes, that's how I intended it. Sometimes people are a bad choice on our part because we ignore red flags, but most often they actually did like us to begin with and things simply changed over time. Nobody can control that when it happens, and it happens all the time. That was all I meant

[Silverbirch]

I would just like to say that Mandeelove, you could be writing about me. I haven't been in a relationship for some time. There have been couple guys who have seemed interested in me. One, I definitely did not want involvement with. As superficial as it may sound, one reason was that I felt repelled by him physically, and I found him manipulative. Another couple, I haven't pursued involvement because I don't feel confident about my own judgement. There has been someone on the scene recently, but I remain very cautious - because I'm scared. Scared of getting my heart broken yet again.

 

I too don't know why I ended up in one failed relationship after another. One turned out to be gay, the next one a serial cheater who became very sbusive, another who I believe now only wanted me there to take care of his children while they were growing up. The last one was a self-confessed commitmentphobe. I let myself believe that I was "different" because I LOVED him, and I settled for getting nothing real for myself from that.

 

I look at my childhood which wasn't perfect, but I can find nothing that would account for me being such a miserable failure.

 

If anyone can please explain in more detail what kind of childhood experiences shape a person to turn into this, I would love to know. It may be too late for me, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

[mandeelove]

I would just like to say that Mandeelove, you could be writing about me. I haven't been in a relationship for some time. There have been couple guys who have seemed interested in me. One, I definitely did not want involvement with. As superficial as it may sound, one reason was that I felt repelled by him physically, and I found him manipulative. Another couple, I haven't pursued involvement because I don't feel confident about my own judgement. There has been someone on the scene recently, but I remain very cautious - because I'm scared. Scared of getting my heart broken yet again.

 

I too don't know why I ended up in one failed relationship after another. One turned out to be gay, the next one a serial cheater who became very sbusive, another who I believe now only wanted me there to take care of his children while they were growing up. The last one was a self-confessed commitmentphobe. I let myself believe that I was "different" because I LOVED him, and I settled for getting nothing real for myself from that.

 

I look at my childhood which wasn't perfect, but I can find nothing that would account for me being such a miserable failure.

 

If anyone can please explain in more detail what kind of childhood experiences shape a person to turn into this, I would love to know. It may be too late for me, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

I dont think its ever too late to change. I am in the middle of the same issue and cant find a clear indicator from my childhood. I would like to hear examples too.

 

I would also like to know if this stuff kind of just happens as we develop our self worth. Because strangely enough when I was younger to about age 25, I had great guys in my life. One in particular of 5 years. He was heaven sent. So if this was a childhood thing I would of picked bad men since forever. But I only started picking these men after age 25 and there has been about 4 bad ones so far....

 

So is this a childhood thing or an experience thing ?. Do we develop our self worth overr time after heartbreaks and disapointments?

 

These questions piggy bank off of yours. Hopefully someone has an answer!

[mandeelove]

Mandee, I haven't read through this whole thread yet, but I noticed you said this on another thread, and I think it would help you to question your beliefs about some things:

 

 

 

This statement indicates that you expect men to be hurtful and untrustworthy in relationships. Otherwise, how could all women reconcile with exes who hurt them?

 

Another thing: it's not true that every woman has taken back a man who has hurt her. I would even venture to say that most women leave those men in the dust and don't look back.

 

 

 

Actually, you treat yourself kind of bad by remaining in crappy situations when you know better.

 

 

 

Loving, caring, and understanding to who? Not to yourself. To men who ignore you, hurt you, and run around on you? Is that how you prove your love? Why?

 

 

 

I don't think you realize this, but you are very hard on yourself already.

I do admit I go into relationships very hard on men. I do not trust them. I always expect the worst. But most of these guys turn out to be bad even if I do trust them so it justifies my original thought.

 

And I am very hard on myself I guess. I do allow less than great treatment so yes. Thats true.

 

And when I posted to Greta I was trying to let her know most women take back exes once or twice in life. I wanted to let her know she doesnt have to beat herself up for it that she believed he was a changed man and gave him a shot.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Mandeelove. I think that each time, initially the men seem to likeke me very much and they do the pursuing. When I finally let myself to reciprocate feelings, it's after that point that their interest begins to change. Each time Ive stayed longer than I should. In early days, with 2 of them, they begged for me to become involved with them. Should that have been a red flag - maybe - because both of those turned out to be very self-serving people, not just with me but in most of their relationships with their own family members, friends and acquaintances. Everyone had some purpose/use in their lives.

 

With recent guy who appeared to like me and express interest, he was moving way too fast for me so I slowed him down, saying I could offer him friendship. I think I was hoping that when we got to know each other more, that if we turned out to be right for each other, and when the timing was right, something healthy would develop. I see him as attractive, a LOT of good qualities, but AI don't know him well enough, and there would be some incimpatibilities - one I can think of - which would not necessarily be something That need be a deal-breaker,and a lot of people wouldn't think too much about. It's looking to me like POOF - he's gone or fading away. On the one hand, maybe I did right in slowing him down to get to know him. On the other hand, I don't know if I pushed someone away who is available.

[Batya33]

I do admit I go into relationships very hard on men. I do not trust them. I always expect the worst. But most of these guys turn out to be bad even if I do trust them so it justifies my original thought.

 

And I am very hard on myself I guess. I do allow less than great treatment so yes. Thats true.

 

And when I posted to Greta I was trying to let her know most women take back exes once or twice in life. I wanted to let her know she doesnt have to beat herself up for it that she believed he was a changed man and gave him a shot.

 

If your original thought is a negative generalization about all or most men then, no, an individual man who ends up in your opinion not being trustworthy still doesn't justify a negative generalization - would you go there to that negative generalization if this had to do with your interactions with people of a certain color, race or ethnic background? I never assumed guilty until proven innocent, ever. For the most part -and I went out with well over a hundred men on dates and had many short and longer term relationships - most men treated me with respect and like a lady (sorry if the lady reference is old fashioned -it's how I felt). I genuinely liked men because men are people and I typically like people. I had several good male friends and still do which was essential in my having healthy romantic relationships with other men -the perspective/mindset/insights.

 

I got back together with exes. Sometimes it was a mistake. The last time I did that I was hesitant, scared, for about 90 seconds-two minutes. Some tears during that time too. Soon we'll be married 9 years. Worked out ok, it seems lol!

[Jibralta]

I do admit I go into relationships very hard on men. I do not trust them. I always expect the worst. But most of these guys turn out to be bad even if I do trust them so it justifies my original thought.

 

If you choose the men that fit your expectations, there are no pleasant surprises and therefore no unexpected disappointments. You have controlled the outcome. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

And when I posted to Greta I was trying to let her know most women take back exes once or twice in life. I wanted to let her know she doesnt have to beat herself up for it that she believed he was a changed man and gave him a shot.

 

I understand that, and it was kind of you. But your statement was also revealing in a way that you may not have intended.

[Jibralta]

On the other hand, I don't know if I pushed someone away who is available.

 

Doubtful. Assert yourself early and let em run. You want someone who respects you as you are.

[figureitout23]

I dont think its ever too late to change. I am in the middle of the same issue and cant find a clear indicator from my childhood. I would like to hear examples too.

 

I would also like to know if this stuff kind of just happens as we develop our self worth. Because strangely enough when I was younger to about age 25, I had great guys in my life. One in particular of 5 years. He was heaven sent. So if this was a childhood thing I would of picked bad men since forever. But I only started picking these men after age 25 and there has been about 4 bad ones so far....

 

So is this a childhood thing or an experience thing ?. Do we develop our self worth overr time after heartbreaks and disapointments?

 

These questions piggy bank off of yours. Hopefully someone has an answer!

 

I would say that maybe it's not that your 'picker' is off bur rather youre experiencing what many women expierience while dating... duds... but instead of you moving on you're dwelling on it and trying to analyze it to, I don't know, maybe give yourself the impression you have control?

 

Maybe your dating reality lies somewhere in between. Just because something ended badly doesn't mean the guy is a bad person per se.

 

Look at these 4 men, were they all abusive? Did they all string you along? Did they try to end things and you couldn't let go? What's the common denominator? Maybe start there?

 

 

I do admit I go into relationships very hard on men. I do not trust them. I always expect the worst. But most of these guys turn out to be bad even if I do trust them so it justifies my original thought.

 

And I am very hard on myself I guess. I do allow less than great treatment so yes. Thats true.

 

And when I posted to Greta I was trying to let her know most women take back exes once or twice in life. I wanted to let her know she doesnt have to beat herself up for it that she believed he was a changed man and gave him a shot.

 

This response got my attention. It's a little contradictory. You acknowledge what you're possibly doing wrong and then kinda defend it, by telling someone else 'it's ok! I do it too!'

 

I agree with jilbralta I think you inadvertently let a big clue of your mindset slip here.

[Hollyj]

Because you are emotionally unavailable, and do not want anyone to get close, due to self esteem and trust issues.

 

YOU are choosing thee people on purpose.

 

Check out baggagereclaim.com. I also suggest counseling

[IAmFCA]

Emotionally unavailable, definitely.

 

We pick pairings that are likely to fail, because that protects us from having to be at risk emotionally

 

 

For those of us who are emotionally unavailable, one way to think of it is that we regulate the space between ourselves and our feelings in a dramatic way. Like how new drivers tend to oversteer, we too are umcomfortable with the road we are on and oversteer, by staying too distant and then becoming inappropriately attached.

 

Also, when we date we tend to couple up with people who are similar to us, in terms of self esteem and emotional availability. Your men are unavailable too.

 

The entire dynamic changes if/as you change your inner dialog.

[thorough]

I have an issue picking men to date who are either emotionally unavailable or trying to play around until they come back to me. They show signs that they like me but if I ask their intentions they tell me I read the signals all wrong. They are never ready to commit to me or act normal. They always never choose me.

 

I am single now but had 2 bad prior relationships back to back. One made me feel totally unloved and unworthy. The other one made me feel great but yet still didnt want me despite how similar we were. Would rather be a player despite how much he claimed to care for me. In both situations I stayed until THEY made their moves good or bad. But I couldnt leave even though both scenarios were bad for me. It was like I was waiting for them to choose me when I could have just left them. I let men treat me bad but Im the furthest thing from stupid. And I do not treat anyone bad.

 

Why would a person stay in situations like this? Im very loving, caring and understanding. I dont know why I do this but I am self reflecting because I never want to date again until i figure this out. I dont want to seek therapy. In fact I am licensed in the therapy field myself. I can give great suggestions and Ive helped alot of people in my life but I CANT help myself.

 

I am getting older. I dont want this to go on forever. So far I wasted almost 3 years in relationships not going anywhere. Ive been stuck in fantasy rather than reality because I dream of the what ifs instead of looking at the facts in front of my face. I dont feel strong at all. This is why I want to stay single now.

 

Anyone ever been like me? . How did u overcome it? Anyone have suggestions as to what I can do ? Like I said, I stopped dating. I am all ears as to how I can get better and overcome this.

 

I have experienced the very same thing, until almost 1/2 a year ago. For me, it was never an issue w/my commitment, but prob getting caught up in all the flattery in the beginning. If a guy isn't interested in me in the starting stages, I let it go and move on. My issue has been guys coming on super strong, then pulling away w/some BS excuses. Pretty much in every case, the guy wanted to be exclusive (pretty much right away), they would show tons of interest and that felt good. Once I reciprocated, they turned into a different person. I can say I was infatuated from the beginning stages. I think we want to gain back what happened when we 1st met, despite all that flattery and butterflies was fake.

 

Until I met my current bf, I thought I had commitment issues because the 1st guy to show interest and want to be in a relationship, I was very hesitant. Come to find out the guy was borderline abusive and super overbearing. Now I am w/my bf and I knew I wanted an exclusive relationship, I don't miss being single nor do I miss emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I overcame this by not getting attached too soon and that is something that I struggled to learn. There were several guys who tried to pull games on me for which I didn't stand. I stopped getting excited over any guy until I knew he wanted more then sex.

[Silverbirch]

Doubtful. Assert yourself early and let em run. You want someone who respects you as you are.

 

Thanks Gibralta

[Silverbirch]

I have experienced the very same thing, until almost 1/2 a year ago. For me, it was never an issue w/my commitment, but prob getting caught up in all the flattery in the beginning. If a guy isn't interested in me in the starting stages, I let it go and move on. My issue has been guys coming on super strong, then pulling away w/some BS excuses. Pretty much in every case, the guy wanted to be exclusive (pretty much right away), they would show tons of interest and that felt good. Once I reciprocated, they turned into a different person. I can say I was infatuated from the beginning stages. I think we want to gain back what happened when we 1st met, despite all that flattery and butterflies was fake.

 

Until I met my current bf, I thought I had commitment issues because the 1st guy to show interest and want to be in a relationship, I was very hesitant. Come to find out the guy was borderline abusive and super overbearing. Now I am w/my bf and I knew I wanted an exclusive relationship, I don't miss being single nor do I miss emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I overcame this by not getting attached too soon and that is something that I struggled to learn. There were several guys who tried to pull games on me for which I didn't stand. I stopped getting excited over any guy until I knew he wanted more then sex.

 

This has been my story exactly but so far without your happy ending.

[thealchemist]

It is funny how many guys I know that are great but single because they complain about the EXACT same things you are, just about woman instead of men.

 

I see them start dating a girl and just want to go up and punch them in the face. Because they complain about things like that yet seem drawn into a new relationship with a new girl with all the same pitfalls and red flags as the last.

 

I just tell them they are relationship stupid. They are very smart guys too. It is just a knowledge gap or something.

[mandeelove]

I have experienced the very same thing, until almost 1/2 a year ago. For me, it was never an issue w/my commitment, but prob getting caught up in all the flattery in the beginning. If a guy isn't interested in me in the starting stages, I let it go and move on. My issue has been guys coming on super strong, then pulling away w/some BS excuses. Pretty much in every case, the guy wanted to be exclusive (pretty much right away), they would show tons of interest and that felt good. Once I reciprocated, they turned into a different person. I can say I was infatuated from the beginning stages. I think we want to gain back what happened when we 1st met, despite all that flattery and butterflies was fake.

 

Until I met my current bf, I thought I had commitment issues because the 1st guy to show interest and want to be in a relationship, I was very hesitant. Come to find out the guy was borderline abusive and super overbearing. Now I am w/my bf and I knew I wanted an exclusive relationship, I don't miss being single nor do I miss emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I overcame this by not getting attached too soon and that is something that I struggled to learn. There were several guys who tried to pull games on me for which I didn't stand. I stopped getting excited over any guy until I knew he wanted more then sex.

Thank you. I guess its good to train yourself to not get excited . Something I must learn too.

 

I too get excited when they show attention and come on strong in the beginning stage. I see red flags but the feelings are nice so I ignore them. Or give benefit of the doubt. Also alot of the guys dont show their true colors until Im emotionally attached making it hard to just walk away. I stay until they get it right but that day never comes.

 

But its funny because ALL the relationships that ended in flames, the men came on strong . They wanted to say I love you within a month and promise a future. Every one of them said they "never felt like this". They also planned amazing dates, did thoughtful loving things. They supported me. Always were there for me, you name it. It was very hard to tell they were full of crap. The endings were shocking.

 

The last guy though was the complete opposite of those men. He took his time. He moved slow. He was very mature. However then I faced a new problem. He was emptionally detached alltogether. I wasnt used to it at all but i stayed because ive always had the quick moving men. I figured maybe this style was good for me or "the right way". It came with its own set of issues, as I posted several times about. So this lead me to write my post.

 

Whether I meet men who come on strong, or ones who are too distant, it all ends in the same way and I want to figure this out so I never make the same mistakes. I understand most people are saying Im unavailable subconsciously or the men are, but Ive tried dating different types and all wind up ending ..i guess I have to pick a guy who falls right in the middle but how to recognize it, Im not sure. They either come on strong or not at all.

[mandeelove]

By the way, the ones who came on strong, I ate it up like candy. I wasnt scared of it. They were treating me good even if it turned to be fake 6 months later. In the moment it was good treatment. When I had my last bf who was emotionally aloof, I dreamed of the days I had men like that who were very loving etc. So if I am unavailable I feel that I wouldnt have liked all that sweet talk, charm, talks of the future, and acts of love. I would of been scared. But I moved towards it and if any of those men werent "fake" I would of wound up with them based on how they treated me. The last man who was so unavailable emotionally, I hated it.

[Batya33]

By the way, the ones who came on strong, I ate it up like candy. I wasnt scared of it. They were treating me good even if it turned to be fake 6 months later. In the moment it was good treatment. When I had my last bf who was emotionally aloof, I dreamed of the days I had men like that who were very loving etc. So if I am unavailable I feel that I wouldnt have liked all that sweet talk, charm, talks of the future, and acts of love. I would of been scared. But I moved towards it and if any of those men werent "fake" I would of wound up with them based on how they treated me. The last man who was so unavailable emotionally, I hated it.

 

You liked the insta-relationship because you know they don't really know you and you know it's safe -you can always say "oh too soon!" because it is. It's all about sweet nothings and clouds -not reality so you don't have to commit to any of it and you know that many of those that start that way end quickly.

 

I think you're confusing maybe aloof with someone who is healthy and reasonably cautious with a new person -who might feel like going at the speed of light but wants to be a bit more restrained and disciplined so they don't burn out or overwhelm their partner.

[mandeelove]

You liked the insta-relationship because you know they don't really know you and you know it's safe -you can always say "oh too soon!" because it is. It's all about sweet nothings and clouds -not reality so you don't have to commit to any of it and you know that many of those that start that way end quickly.

 

I think you're confusing maybe aloof with someone who is healthy and reasonably cautious with a new person -who might feel like going at the speed of light but wants to be a bit more restrained and disciplined so they don't burn out or overwhelm their partner.

The aloof guy though came with many issues. He did not treat me right at all and it came to be that he fit the exact descrption of a narcissist. In the beginning I did peg him for being healthy, mature, and I liked it because he wasnt coming on strong. He knew real love takes time . But it never moved out of that zone and I realized he is completely afraid of commitment. He could not even talk about his feelings or mine. And like I said he was the textbook narcissist. I have written many posts about it on here.

 

If I met a guy who was slow moving like him but also treated me great, could talk about feelings and open up, that would be the perfect mix for me.

[Batya33]

The aloof guy though came with many issues. He did not treat me right at all and it came to be that he fit the exact descrption of a narcissist. In the beginning I did peg him for being healthy, mature, and I liked it because he wasnt coming on strong. He knew real love takes time . But it never moved out of that zone and I realized he is completely afraid of commitment. He could not even talk about his feelings or mine. And like I said he was the textbook narcissist. I have written many posts about it on here.

 

If I met a guy who was slow moving like him but also treated me great, could talk about feelings and open up, that would be the perfect mix for me.

 

Why does someone you just met have to "talk about feelings"? Why not look for someone who acts in a thoughtful, kind and caring way -not everyone likes to or finds it interesting to "talk about feelings" but a person who shows how he feels by treating another person with respect, thoughtfulness, kindness - shouldn't that matter a great deal more?

[mandeelove]

Why does someone you just met have to "talk about feelings"? Why not look for someone who acts in a thoughtful, kind and caring way -not everyone likes to or finds it interesting to "talk about feelings" but a person who shows how he feels by treating another person with respect, thoughtfulness, kindness - shouldn't that matter a great deal more?

Yes you are 100 percent right. The talks about feelings would not be necessary if the actions were there. He had zero actions. The way he acted was the opposite of what someone does when they like someone. So I felt the need to ask him direct questions. Thats where the talks would come in. He never had answers. The only action I had was he continued to want to see me . But nothing else. It wasnt the right situation overall.

 

But I agree. If a man treats you great and show it with consistent actions, there would be no reason for a "talk". And I def would not be asking how they feel. I would just know.