My journal to recovery. Hopefully!

[Piaresssss]

This is day 5 and im ginna say day 1 of nc. Its her bday in a month and im 100% not going to wish her a happy birthday.

 

A little part of me that is petty hopes that stings her but more of me hopes she has a good time.

 

I wish that she could be in my shoes and feel the pain i have felt and the rollercoaster her words have put me through.

 

The messages we sent yesterday were strictly admin. She said "hey (my name) maybe monday we can sort out switching the phone to my mums account."

 

I pay the bill for it but she said it was not fair i did so want to pay it. I replied "you can do it through the three app on your phone"

 

Im usally overly upbeat when i message her but this was pretty standard maybe even a bit blunt. I was not sure how she wanted to sort it but i wanted to shut down any comunication, did not want to see her or talk to her till im ready.

 

Im sick of expecting too much and being knocked back.

 

Ill also tell you of the crazynese of dan's break. Im trying to help him but he is his own worst enemy.

 

So i said go nc and he refuses saying its like giving up. I tell him not to go to lunch with her at work, he did which he then paid for, told him to not text her and he does. We where going swimming to clear our heads and he invited her.

(Quick tangent. When i was with my ex i would have never gone swimming. I was so insecure about how i looked. Now bang, stripped down, straight in that pool, did not care about how i looked. Feels so great)

 

They talk about sex together and she breadcrumbs him about getting back together such as never say never.

 

Basically anything you can do wrong he is still doing and he just will not listen to my advice. Most of it learned from here.

 

He says he cannot understand how i can feel like i do for 3 months but i told him you just gotta push on through.

 

After writing that im thinking to myself what i sent my ex was too blunt and it will have destroyed my het back chances but why will it, she has already left me a straight forward text ain't changing that.

 

Amother blow to me, turns out the girl i have a crush on has a boyfriend. Who i indirectly insulted unintentionally. When i was locking up i said there is a some shifty guy out side giving me the creeps and she was like thats my fella. So that was arkward.

 

Anyway, lets get upbeat and end on a positive. The goal of today is just enjoy my myself, have fun no matter what i end up doing.

 

Fun fact, i have a nose ring

[Piaresssss]

Having a rubbish day.

 

Keep going over what i sent my ex. What should i have done differently in the message.

 

On the other hand if i was nice and she didnt reply i would feel worse.

 

Again this is reinforcing that nc is the way forward. Gotta keep that healing and growth alive.

 

I really like my random fact sign off, bit lame i know but what ever.

 

I also have a lip stud and stretched ears.

[Piaresssss]

I have just had a text that has made me both angry and sad at the same time.

 

One of the other people im going on holiday with just messaged me and what they said hurt and angered me at the same time.

 

They said "Seeing as you left the chat I was going to use to try to organise japan stuff will you please send me a list of things you would like to do so I can try and put something together for each day to work out travel costs"

 

I left a chat with her, her boyfriend and my ex in that was a couple chat. Just comes across as very rude, like how dare I inconvenience her by making her send one more message.

 

Its like she doesnt care that it would have been hard to stay and it was a form of communication with my ex.

 

Im letting it go and gonna try and move past it. Thats the mature thing to do.

 

Just seems like ive been set back a few times the last few days and im struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel today.

 

For some reason i feel like any chance is gone. Lets embrace this feeling and move forward with this, get over her then if its in the stars get her back, if not move on.

 

Hopefully my day off tomorrow is better, gym and a bit of swimming.

 

Maybe have a cry tonight feel like i need it.

[Piaresssss]

I dont know how to feel, what to think my head is a mess. Its even harder when dan is going through ot as well.

 

Just gonna ramble of some thoughts...

 

I should have been nicer to my ex over the text. I feel like i messed up and ruined any chance of reconciliation because i was not super happy in the text.

 

Its just my mind playing tricks on me. My behaviour in the relationship was what drove her off not me sorting out a phone bill.

 

Im spinning in circles going from im gonna get over her and win her back to im never gonna get another chance.

 

Only time will tell but right now the door is still cracked open till she tells me its closed and thats what hurts the most.

[Piaresssss]

Gonna hop in the bath in a sec but gonna ramble out a bit more

 

I have to unlearn my bad habbits, my bad behaviours. Ive been thinking about change again and am so determined to do it, to see ny goals through.

 

I failed todays goal of being happy and having a good day but you know what thats life. Not every day is gonna be sunshine and rainbows. Not every day is gonna be the day you solve a problem.

 

It just means that when those days happen, they are going to be that bit more special. Those are the days i will be proud of.

 

Goal for tomorrow...hmmm.... im going to the gym and then swimming so thats good but i wanna grow, do something meaningful.

 

Tomorrow, im going to.....i really dont know. Ill see where the day takes me. I hope somewhere warm and sunny, surondes by enormus piles of money. (Tangled joke if there are any disney fans)

[Piaresssss]

Change of plans.

 

Im going to a little mix concert. Goal achived. Being spontaneous.

 

Dan messaged me and said he has two tickets we should go and i was like fudge it why not.

[Piaresssss]

The night took an odd turn and i enjoyed it so much.

 

Dan sold the tickets we got dinner, had a coffee and booked are staff christmas party.

 

Such a random night and i really needed it tonight.

[Piaresssss]

Day 6.

 

It started out sucking yesterday and did a complete 180 and endee on a high. That message that got to me does not matter any more ive moved past it.

 

I had a cbat with dan mast night and we sloke abiut my ex. I was talking about my fear of her moving on to someone else. He listed of stuff that i know but mt mind will not accept. Such as she hates her job, is not sleeping, not eating, is putting weight on through the stress and her depression is really bad. Where is she gonna meet someone. I agree but you can't help but let the thoughts in every so often can you.

 

I actually was never attracted to my ex when i met her. Then i got to know her and fell in love with her personality. I have no clue why i think she is gonna get with the next person that comes along. It took us about 4 months to go out and all her guy friends had asked her out at some point and she said no to all of them.

 

I cant believe how stupid i was at the start of the break. I wanted to rush so fast to get her back and i have learned it takes time. You cannot rush it.

 

I will know im ready to talk to her when i get a message from her and i dont get that sick feeling in my gut.

 

My goal today is just exercises. Im going to put the deposit down with dan for the christmas party so might get him to walk back to work with me. Probally gonna take about 3 hours.

[Piaresssss]

Im was just browsing the forum and saw some advice one user gave another in regaurds to nc.

 

Its a tricky thing because each person has their own view on nc. This user said go nc but dont ignore her when she messages you as that might annoy her.

 

Why are people worried about annoying their ex. If you are the dumper and want them back i could see why ignoring them is a bit silly but if you are the dumpee. They have already left you, they cant do it again so whats it matter if ignoring them annoys them. Was it not painfull when they dumped you and you still want them back.

 

I say all this now but i did all this. Every single thing going nc but not wanting ti annoy them. Im shooting for a few months nc then im going to go lc then meeting her to going on holiday. Mainly so i can enjoy my holiday and it not be awkward.

 

Then you get the ones that think their word is gospel. I must say there are some jaded people on this forum. They may have good intentions but sometimes come across as callous and cruel.

 

So the hardline nc. Those that suggest you go nc and never look back until they say they want you back. I suppose this is one way to go but i dont think that is for me.

 

This leads me to the an ex is an ex for a reason saying. Yes this is true but is it a reason that can be fixed or is it something you can ever get over.

 

My example, jealousy and possessive. I feel that these are traits i can fix. I can unlearn them to be a better person over all. I have been doing good these past months and been getting alot of compliments on my weight loss and the improvements to my personality.

 

Im still in nc, i answer my ex about stuff i need to like bills as you have to but i have not started contact in almost three weeks when i said we should talk when we are both in a place that we can.

 

Issuee you cannot fix, i hear infidelity as the one you never forgive and i would agree that its hard to get over but have no experience in this area so cannot really comment.

 

I suppose the point im getting at is that i feel like anything can happen as each relationship is different.

 

I wish you all a happy fun filled day and just go with the flow today.

 

My fun fact of the day. I have a Pokemon tattoo.

[Piaresssss]

Just finished swimming.

 

Im feeling down today. My upbeat mqsk is slipping.

 

I just want my ex back and everything to be okay. I cannot list what i would do for her to be back to me. I still have all the maybes that she left me with.

 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, work then swimming agian. Just gon a try and forget about her.

 

It is her birthday next month qnd im wondering what to do. I feel like if i ignore it i will regret it but ill feel ic i break nc

[Piaresssss]

Having a really bad end of the night.

 

Im really missing my ex. It hurts knowing she does not miss me when not a day passes that i do not think of her.

 

I do want to move on but i want her back. Its hard because i could pick up the phone and arrange a meeting and im sure she would come because she said she would be there.

 

On the other hand i got the impression she wanted to meet or talk when she nessaged ne the other day. Why ylwould you need to set aside a day to sort out one phone bill. It could be done in 5mins.

 

Well enough over anslysing for tonight. Gonna give myself a black charcoal face scrub and hit the hay.

[Piaresssss]

What is up with me latley. Im just a big bag of sadness.

 

I think its a combo of breaking no contact, being unhappy at work and not hearing about the job yet.

 

I need a combi breaker (killer instinct) to sort out my life. Maybe its because im still in love with her. Even after all she said to me i love her.

 

I wish i could get in her head to see what was going on and get answers.

 

I was and probally still am lying to myself that im okay. In not okay, im a mess and just a few words would fix me.

 

I have to get out of this flip flop mentality. Take last night fir example. I went from japan I'll have my answers to maybe ill message her just after new years, new years new start and all to i should send her a birtgday message. Thats in december.

 

It is even harder now with dan going through it but its even worse as he is doing everything wrong and i mean eveything. Still talking to her, stalking her on social media to even booking a holiday to the same place as her.

 

I hear the saying if you love someone let them go if they return it was ment to be. Why is it so hard to let go.

 

I also hate the saying getting an ex back is easy keeping them is the hard part. If this is the easy part whats the hard gonna be like.

[Piaresssss]

Grrrrrrr aaaaahhhhh

 

Just wanna scream

[Piaresssss]

Cried a little today for the first time in a month.

 

Im angry she has such power over me even though we have not spoken since saturday and then it was about 20 words about bills. Actual talk been nearly 3 weeks. Im gonna count nc from saturday though. So on day 3. Hope i can make at least a month this time. If she texts me im just gonna ignore it.

 

Really hope i can get out of this job, hope apple message me soon and i can start feeling better about everything.

 

Ive been reading alot of the posts by thekid55. His situation is very similar to mine so it helps to read. Codependent, struggling through the break and he still got over it. He also got her back, not gonna lie, that shows it can be done.

 

I bought some marshmallow bubble bath today. Gonna bang on a face scrub and then have my a relaxing bath.

 

Ill talk to my mum properly tonight, that alwats makes me feel better. My brothers dog is back at his so cannot give her a stroke when im blue.

[Piaresssss]

Im gonna try and be upbeat tomorrow.

 

Cinema with my best mates, its a secret screening. You dont know what it is till you go see it.

 

Tattoo on thursday. Should be good.

 

I really need to keep doing things to keep me busy and grow as a person. These last few days i feel i have not done that.

 

I need to work on my expectations. Im always expecting more than i should of certain situations.

 

Add that to my list

 

Manage expectations oh and codependent.

 

The one thing that is really helping me is music. Been listening to a song that just makes me feel good.

 

I really think people limiting the genre that they listen too is really silly. I get that you might not like all music but it does not make the ones you like superior. I try to listen to a variety.

 

Hope i can pull through this soon

[Piaresssss]

I made my avatar picture one of me swimming. I normally would be too scared to do it but why not.

 

Form an orderly cue ladies. I joke but that leads me to one of my favourite things about me.

 

My sense of humour. Laughter is a beautiful thing. It makes you feel better. Forget you problems for a split second when you are just enjoying the moment.

 

Might add that to my daily post. Something i like about my self, that should help my self-esteem.

 

I also have really nice hair. Its very curly and thick. I dont wanna brag but i get lots of compliments on it.

 

This is a good step from this afternoon hope i can keep up this positive attitude.

[Piaresssss]

Dont know how i feel waking up today.

 

I felt good when i went to bed but now im not sure.

 

I need something to look forward too. I have my holiday but thats gonna be so strange.

 

Anyway positive thoughts to get me through.

 

Im gonna make it through this. I will recover eventually.

[Piaresssss]

Work is a glum.

 

Dan is in a mood, so am i and are friend zac broke up with his girlfriend last night. He was the dumper in his situation.

 

How much i want my ex back tells me something. Im not ready to get her back. Im still clingy i really need to work on it.

 

I will have to read more books to help me address it. I really want the job so i can afford counseling to deal with my issues.

 

I hope to be a new man in the coming future so i can be a great partner to who ever i end up with.

[Piaresssss]

My head is killing me today at work.

 

If this keeps up i might have to bail on cinema tonight.

 

Apart from that im having an okay day. Im thinking of her but im not to bad.

 

I think im gonna talk to her in march for the holiday. Im setting that, im dedicated to holding firm no contact.

[Piaresssss]

Bad day at work.

 

Got into a argument with someone i work with and she blew up at me. I tole her to leave me alone multiple times but she wouldn't.

 

When she left i said if she kept it up i would have struggled not to hit her and then she started saying her boyfriend would be waiting for me out side to attack me.

 

My manager then sent her home. He said we were both unprofessional but she was far worse than me.

 

Just hard at the moment, that places sucks so much.

[Piaresssss]

Good day for me

 

Tattoo is done and looks quality. Apple also got back to me and i made it to the second stage, so happy.

 

Also sorted my situation at work out. I said to my manager that we should just sort it out and go no further. The old me would have held a gruge for so long but i just wanted to let it go now. No point in harbouring bad feelings.

 

Another thing. My area manager got a new airsoft gun and tbe guy selling it was my exs friends husband.

 

What a small world we live in.

 

Hoep everyone has a cracking day all and love life. I know im trying to.

[Piaresssss]

Been reading old posts by superdave and i must say thay guy has some wisdom to give.

 

I know now when ill be ready to talk to my ex. When i get a message off her and i dont get that sick feeling, that will be when im ready.

[Piaresssss]

I lost what day im on but feeling good today.

 

I dont know what my goal today is of yet but im sure it will come.

 

I have been thinking. I really need to let go of my ex. Only when my improvements are for me and me alone are they going to stick. Change takes time so rushing is not gonna help anyone.

 

I did try to move to fast and i hope that i can fix the things i did wrong.

 

I know there are no certains in this world, i can only do me.

[Piaresssss]

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This is ny bee tattoo reminding me not to be jealous and possessive

[Piaresssss]

What a cracking day.

 

Nothing much really happened but im feeling good. I still thought of her but im not very sad. Nc is the way to go.

 

Sitting in a bubble bath listen to some music. What a lovley friday night. I had pt tonight and was great. I have a goal set of one pull up by the end of march. Gym on monday, tuesday, wednesday this week. Walking my bros dog as well.

 

Dont know why jusy feeling good.