My journal to recovery. Hopefully!

[Piaresssss]

I heard journaling was a way to get out all the emotion so I thought why not give it a go. I'm hoping it helps me.

 

I have put my story around in places but I'm going to try and put it all in one place.

 

So, my ex girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I was a jealous and possessive person. She was my first girlfriend, I was not her first relationship but I would say her first serious one. We lost our virginitys to one another. This was a person who i deepley loved. So much in fact i lost who i was and then lost her.

 

Aanyway, we broke up on september 9th via text, harsh i think, i thought she had more respect for me than that after three years. Chated a little the following days and aranged to go around to hers to collect my stuff. That day arrived and what an emotionally charged day. I went round, we both cried and said that we still love each other but she was adamant it was the right decision. The car ride back to mine we held hands the entire way then said the last tearful goodbye. I was doen the next fee days. Took a few days off work but then got back to it. The world dosent stop turning for little old me.

 

It was maybe two weeks later that i was going to try and win her back. I even bought ebooks on it. They suggest no contact but then its more about emotional manipulation and im not down for that so dont waste your money. Back on topic two weeks after the break i was stalking her social media, before i learnt that true no contact meant blocking eveything, she was out with a friend and tweeted "Saw a gorgeous girl in the yogurt shop, was to scared to ask for her number but she was perfect." Needles to say this crushed me. How could someone who only three weeks before hand saying how much they love me do this too me now.

 

Took me a few days to recover from this but i did. Then maybe a week later i get a message from her asking to sort out us going to see ricky gervais together as we got the tickets before we split. I said sure and we arranged to grab dinner. I thougbt this was a good sign but alas was not. I showed up very well dressed and feeling good. She came having made no effort at all with her even comenting she felt under dressed. I had a good night with her then sent her a message a few days later saying i enjoyed myself only to be met with a cold silence. Again this knocked me but i bounced back.

 

A week passes and i hear nothing but i dont reach out either. Then she says she has some stuff to drop round to me but wants me to be there. I agree to a date and to my surprise she is a no show. Getting treated this way was horrid and my paitence was running thin.

 

Eventually we managed to arrange a day that we could meet for a coffee before she drops stuff to mine. I go to the coffee shop and surprise, she is a no show so i just went home. Later that day she messaged me saying how sorry she was and could she come to mine for a chat for a bit. I said yes but was not in the best mood.

 

Now this is when she proceede to crush me. She said she didnt miss me. It was a good decision to break up. When she met me for the ricky gervais show she felt nothing. Her depression had become the worst it has ever been with her not eating or sleeping. Then came the contradictions. She did not know how she felt about me and would not know till we go on holiday at the end of march. She also said she didnt like that we didnt talk at all and she wanted us to be friends and stupid me agreed. Well two days went and i messaged her saying i still loved her and wanted to be with her but inu understood she didnt want to be with me so i couldnt be friends with her. She then replied that if i felt that way we would be apart till the holiday. Then ten minutes later said if i wanted to meet before hand she would be here.

 

That was nearly two weeks ago which brings me to today. These last two weeks have been hard. I have felt alot of pain as it has been the time that i have not had some sort of message or contact from her. Im doing all the things to get better, reading self help books, going gym, ive started to swim and and socializing a lot more but the pain lately is just not going away.

 

Im going to try and get it all out here to mend my broken heart. Its going to be a hard road just because if them littlr hopefull breadcrumbs she sprinkled in as she tore me down two weeks ago.

 

Been about 2 and a half months, hope Japan comes quickly so i can get the closure i seek.

[ASmash]

Wow! I feel like i'm reading one of my old journal entries. I'll admit, when I was younger I got suckered into one of those win back your ex books. There is some truth to the advice that the best way to win back an ex is to actually move on. Those tactics try to make you look like you're moving on.

 

The turning point in any of my breakups is when I truly commit to no contact and forgive myself and my ex. Old plans, Ricky Gervais tickets, getting back old stuff...it's better to just write that off as a loss for you're own emotional well being. Allow your self to grieve and feel the heal. You'll get over her and there's plenty of fish in the sea!

[Piaresssss]

I know i will but its going to take some time, just cant seem to shake thst last little bit of hope.

[Piaresssss]

Waking up this morning i am so tired. Im keeping busy but getting home late and its draining me.

 

Im also working loads to keep busy with my only day off this week being toady.

 

I have my interview this morning and in so tired i should have booked it for 12 instead of 10 but oh well.

 

Got personal training after that at 3 then swimmingly at 7. In gonna sleep well tonight hopefully. I wanna be in bed asleep by about 10.

 

Im hoping i have a good day and get out of my funk. I have a long road ahead of me but I can do it.

[Piaresssss]

My interview seemed like it went very well. It didnt even feel like me. I was confident and funny. Hope i make it to the next stage. I also didnt think about my ex i was to nervous and that actually made me happy. I am optimistically hopefull about the rest of the day. Maybe this is a sign of turning things around.

[Piaresssss]

Ive decided i dont want to mope around anymore. Ive deen trying to improve but have not been giving it my all.

 

I have 123 days till i go on holiday. That is 123 days of time dedicated to me. Improvements in my life that i need to make for me no one else.

Thats just shy of 18 weeks so i want to lose another 2 and a half stone or 34lbs putting me at around 15 and a half. My goal wegith is 14 stone that may seem high but im 6ft 4 so not to bad. I also want to address my jealous and possessive nature. I have read a book once through and plan on doing it again. I looked into therapy but cannot afford it. If i get the apple job i will be able too.

 

If the changes brings her back to me then thats a bonus but i wanna be the best me that i can be.

 

So day 1. Today i went to my interview. I dont do well in social situations. I have asd so struggle sometimes. Well i feel like i smashed it. It felt so good to have confidence in myself for the first time in i think ever. If i dont get a call back i will be surprised but aint gonna take it to heart.

 

I have just finished my personal trainer session. Was sweating loads, really felt the burn. Swimming has fallen through but thats okay. Honestly im so tired i just need a bit of sleep. Maybe a bath before hand they always make me feel better.

[Silverbirch]

You're doing great!

[Piaresssss]

You're doing great!

 

 

Thank you. I just feel good today for no reall reason.

 

Got my tattoo in a week. Getting the cover of my self help book. Two bees sitting on a honey pot with one all angry. That book really helped me and i want to remind myself to be a better person. Plus bees are really cool. They just amaze me how important to life they are. Anyway enough random bee talk.

[Piaresssss]

Day 2. I had a dream last night about her. In the dream she said we will be together again. When we are both lonely.

 

Im not qualified to analyse dreams but it has me thinking. Do i want her back because i love her or am i just lonely. Im gonna think on that for a few days just to really know what is best for me.

 

The girl i have a little crush on at work is in today. Im not gonna do anything about it though. Im not in the right place at the moment. I need to be 100% over my ex before i can even think abouth that. It's not fair on me or anyone else that would get involved.

 

I still have only had the one night of sleeping through about 2 months ago but i am sleeping for like 10ish hours so thats good.

 

Got cinema later after work. Seeing one of my best mates. Always have fun with him. Ill see where today takes me

[Piaresssss]

I have come to the conclusion that it is work that bums me out. I had a great day yesterday and today at work im kind of meh or to be more accurate feel really sad.

 

Im letting bad thoughts creep back in today. Like will she get someone else and ill never get chance with her again. I know i cant dwell. I read about a technique to get rid of the bad thoughts. When you have them, internally shout stop then think of a happy memory. This worked before so ill try again.

 

This feeling has me motivated to find another job more than ever, im going nowhere here. It also just reminds me of her. She helped me get the job but no longet works here.

[Piaresssss]

Feel like im going to write alot today.

 

I remebered she still has alot of my stuff. My winter coat, my timberlands, massager and my portable charger. Also some tshirts i ordered that should have come by now, oh and most importantly my passport. This is all the stuff i care about but the stuff she dropped round the other day was a bag of rubbish, seemed put together for a reason to talk.

 

One item was a wall scaler for removing wallpaper. Why do i want that. I have removed wallpaper once in my life and it was such a hassle im just gonna paint forever.

 

I need to ask for the stuff but know im not in a position to be able to handle talking to her at the moment. No spontaneous hikes in the cold mountains for me, not that i hike but it would be nice to have options and i live in a city.

 

I guess in a few months i can ask for the stuff back through her parents. They really liked me so thats is not an issues.

 

I have yet to figure out what my goal of today is but im sure it will come to me.

[Piaresssss]

Post number 4 today, never had so much in my head to get out.

 

Anyway, my manager, who also happens to be a very good friend, has split with his girlfriend of three weeks today. I know it is not a long time but he is taking it hard.

 

It is the first time he has been single in 5 years as he tends to just jump from relationship to relationship with no break inbetween.

 

Think my goal for today is to try and make him feel better. Thats a good thing, being there for someone when you understand the pain they have and hopefully getting them through it.

[Piaresssss]

All my typos are getting annoying. Im using an s8+ but have big hands so it is kind of hard to type.

[Piaresssss]

At a resturant with my friend, and he told me that she goes out drinking alot.

 

Not gonna lie, it got to me that she is out getting drunk while i struggle through. Then again might be her way of coping.

 

Probally just best to not over analyse. Just gonna enjoy my food and the film.

[Piaresssss]

Food was good and just waiting for the film to start.

 

I didnt feel any growth today, maybe a little set back. When ever i hear whar she is up to i feel it in my stomach which just confirns nc is the right way to go.

 

I know what i did wrong after the break. Following the stupid ebooks, waisting money, i wanted a quick fix and moved fast and it does not work that way.

 

They paint time as the enemy but i feel it is both your enemy and friend. You hate it at the start but see that it heals you, helps ypu grow and that is what i need.

 

I will get in contact with her eventually, probally around the begining of march. I will move slowly even if im just building a friendship.

 

I kinda just wanna slink off to bed. Think ill read my book tonight and reflect abit just so its not a total waste of a day.

 

I feel tomorrow will be better, should hear about the interview and go gym to get my pump on.

[Piaresssss]

Im going to bed on a high. I had a quick chat with my manager before bed and i think i made him feel better.

 

He really loves this girl but i don't think they are ment to be. Its gonna be hard for him but im gonna be there. If he needs a rock i will be it.

 

Seeing anyone go through the pain im currently going through is not nice and if i have to put my healing on the back burner i will.

 

That might seem weird but i think that in its own way will help me grow. Nothing cleans the soul like helping another.

 

Anyway , hitting the hay, tomorrow is another day. I wonder where my mind will take me, hopefully its good but i know it will be intresting.

[Piaresssss]

Day 3. I blocked her on my xbox today just to stop seeing her pop online.

 

Anyway, on the bus to work im listening to breakeven by the script. That song is very true. No matter how good a break up goes one person is always in a better position.

 

I was thinking what i might say when i end NC. Before you say are you crazy look at how great you are doing, pump those breaks good sir or madam. I have to for my holiday. I will be in 4 months NC when i am going to do it. Get comunication going so we can enjoy the holiday. I say it here like it will be the easiest thing in the world but time is going to tell.

 

Ive already decided on my goal today. Seeing as my back hurts im not going to the gym, im going to cook my own dinner instead. This might seem really small but im 24 and cannot cook anything so about time i learnt isn't it.

 

Something small and healthy, chicken i think or maybe an omelette. My trainer sent me an ebook on micronutrients and learning to cook so ill give that a read

 

I have just remebered that i have not even done a month NC since the break so no wonder when i moved fast i got knocked back. Thats a valuable lesson i can learn, having paitence.

 

Add that to the list of things to improve

- jealousy

- possesive

- impatient

- cooking

- all round health

- being too handsome

 

Okay the last one is a joke, but if you can't laugh at your self what can you laugh at.

 

Well anyone who reads this, have a wonderfull day no matter where you end up.

[Piaresssss]

I had a thought. Im not religous but i do admire the ability to believe.

 

I suppose one could argue that faith in god and hope for a reconciliation are very simular.

 

Why is faith allowed but the people seem to get critical if you have hope.

 

Dont get me wrong i dont want to still hopebut i dont think i should be ridiculed for having it.

 

Maybe some feel hard love is the way to move on but im not sure.

 

Anyway, my work day is kinda crappy this place is one bid reminder of her and how unhappy i get here. Need a change of scene. I should of took that job in china.

 

Stuffmy ex said at the break is playing on my mind. That she didnt think i was ready and she didnt want to drag it out and ruin it. I agree with the first statement. I was not ready and still am not. Thr second one is just confusing so best not to think about it.

 

Got my brothers dog for a few days maybe ill walk her and that will cheer me up.

[Piaresssss]

Getting all this stuff out is helping me.

 

Very random things make me think of her and it sucks. If i could click my fingers and be better that would be a dream but then again this is good. It is helping me grow and i need that in my life. When i was with her, life was stagnating. I was treading water.

 

Im not exactly swimming the channel now but i am making break throughs.

 

My friend at work told me her mum saw me and my manager. She commented on how much weight i lost and i was looking good. My brother also said it to me and that made me feel really good. I have always wanted his admiration respect, i look up to him a trumendous amount, when something needs done he does it, he worked an unimaginable amount to buy his house and provide for his family.

 

I am far more educated than he is but his life experience is far superior to mine. His ex of 7 years broke up with him last year and he is still struggling. I wish i could be the one he leans on for help but he is not the sharing type.

 

We never got along as kids but we are firm friends now. He is one of my best friends.

 

Anyway, random tangent about my brother and i have forgot what my point was but each day is getting better.

[Piaresssss]

At lunch with my manager and he is taking things hard. Getting drunk. He is not at work today so its okay. Its hard to see him this way

[Piaresssss]

So me being the most awesome well prepared person on the planet i totaly forgot to go shopping for my dinner. Guess i gotta cobble together something.

 

So i didnt achieve todays goal but thats okay. I did dot with my manager and talk out his problems so thats something.

 

I can look back on this day and be proud, i was there for him when he needed me the most and that's sonething special.

 

It just goes to show that the goal you set for that day might not be the one you accomplish but that does not mean it is a failure.

 

I was never a people person but you know what i love you all. Thank you for reading this. If my ramblings have made you feel even a bit better then thats sonething else i can be proud of.

[Piaresssss]

So ive just been browsing the forum after dinner, had a baked potato if you where wondering and sometimes peoples bluntness and bitterness brings me down.

 

The main thing im talking about is change. As someone who really wants to change for the better and i believe i can its hard when some bluntly state that people do not change.

 

Perhaps im being to harsh, they may have some neggative experience that has lead them to that conclusion. I am definitely being hypocritical as i too once believed people do not change but now i sincerely hope that they can. ( thats change just so you know)

 

Ill give an example. My friend who works at apple, who we shall call apple, has changed. He is a very sweet man but latley he has just been absorbed by tinder. Not really his normal scene but its turned him into a bit of a turd. Not good change but change none the less.

 

Think i might put in a random fact about myself in a few random posts to add a bit of flavour.

 

I have never seen back to the future.

[Piaresssss]

Spent 2 hours on the phone with my manager last nightm we will call him Dan.

 

Dan split up with his girlfriend last night and was inconsolable. I am gonna get him through this. He is gonna be okay.

 

It was strange hearing him say all the things i said when i broke with my ex. That he doesnt want to get over her, that he will never find it again.

 

I told him that he can still love her but that does not mean he cannot get over her. My ex for example. Im going to love that woman till the day i die. She was my first everything and you never forget that.

 

It is gonna be a struggle to get him to go NC but its best for him. Got swimming with him later, bit of cardio to clear the head.

 

Whats that saying about lies. Something about telling yourself till you believe them. Maybe we should both do that but positive ones.

 

Helping dan is a goal for today but im hungry, thats not enough, i want more personal growth as well. Thats an attitude i have never had before and it excites me.

 

Im struggling for something achieve today but im sure ill find something.

 

I have size 12 feet or 13 for those in the Us of A

[Piaresssss]

Been nc for 2 weeks and got a message from the ex today about sorting out a phone bill i pay.

 

Im not ready to talk to her and dont want to break nc and lose all my progress.

 

The bill can be sorted through an app and i just have to message her that and that would be it

Sorted

 

I just cant bring myself to do it

 

Hopefully, swimming will clear my head.

[Piaresssss]

Had a long post but accidently delted it

So quick summary

Swimming good

Messaged ex twlling hwr use the app not sure if nc is broken as ir was all admin

Apple looking good from things i hear.