EtrnalOptimist Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 The relationship isn't over because she lied, it is over because she moved away and it wasn't strong enough. Agree with you there. LDRs, particularly ones that don't start out that way, expose any weaknesses / flaws in your bond. PS Perhaps you should try and not be so rigid on parts of your requirements. People make mistakes and are not perfect. Making statements like "that would be vulgar" will lead others to not open up to you and hide things. But I'm not sure I agree with that one. He made that statement specifically about her being sexually active with other men while technically in a relationship, or with some intention to return to a relationship, with him. Infidelity is very hard to get over, and though your second relationship didn't involve that, it's natural to catastrophise that you will never find a respectful soulmate. But that is as irrational as the fear you'll never find a great job again after being fired. Give yourself time to process. Do not berate yourself; this is not your fault. You will be fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Agree with you there. LDRs, particularly ones that don't start out that way, expose any weaknesses / flaws in your bond. But I'm not sure I agree with that one. He made that statement specifically about her being sexually active with other men while technically in a relationship, or with some intention to return to a relationship, with him. Infidelity is very hard to get over, and though your second relationship didn't involve that, it's natural to catastrophise that you will never find a respectful soulmate. But that is as irrational as the fear you'll never find a great job again after being fired. Give yourself time to process. Do not berate yourself; this is not your fault. You will be fine Talking about ones past or asking your new partner about their past is a recipe for disaster more times than not and sooner or later it causes problems, especially when someone's past is not that good. Imagine you met a great women and she gave her opinions on certain things and used pretty harsh words for people that have done those things and then she asked about your past. What would you say if you had some things in your past that fell closely into those realms she stated her distaste for. I can see why she lied because if she knew how he felt about getting drunk and having sex she was in a no win situation in her mind if she told him the truth. I am all for honesty and she should have simply told him she was not a virgin and left it at that. I would hate to have someone I really care for tell me how horrible any person is that did _______ when I knew in my past I had done that very thing and know I have to carry that with me hoping they never find out. When I said not to be to rigid you need to know your words can carry a lot of weight and affect the people around you more than you may ever know... I wish you well on your healing and hope your mind can rest from all the thoughts that keep swirling around in your head. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I told her about my past experience of being cheated on by a drunk girlfriend. Don't you think I would be a little cautious getting into another relationship with a girl who told me she lost her virginity while being drunk? No. Drunken sex is not the same as drunken cheating. But I don't think its fair to lie to someone when you know what they've been through recently. If she had cheated on her boyfriend in the same way that your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, your sentiment would make sense. But drunken sex is not the same as drunken cheating. The only commonality between her behavior and your ex's behavior is that she got drunk. If you have a problem with getting drunk, I can see why you would be upset. But you're not talking about her drinking habits in this thread. If she believed in being together forever, why this sudden change of perspective? I know its long distance and its hard, but what is the point if you don't even want to try? It could have happened gradually, as is often the case. But once she came to a conclusion, it seems her communication was straight to the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yatsue Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 It was idealistic and romanticized by both of us. Apparently, where as I was honest about my self, she just talked about it. I don't expect her to have behaved in a specific way in the past or anything, even if she would have told me that she is not comfortable talking about it I would be ok. I wouldn't pressure her to share something she didn't want to. Its just that she made me believe that she was completely open with me and shared that connection that makes one feel that its going to last for this life. Apart from the lying I couldn't believe that she said we should come back together after a few years. Its not the type of thing she would say. Its unbelievable what a person hides and what they show. My point was; you talk too much fluff and put too much importance on someone agreeing with that fluff. You wanna find someone more genuine? Find a person who doesn't talk about voiced ideals and is just a good person. Judge them on their actions, not the words they say about their would-be ideals. I get why you're hurt, like I said, but that doesn't mean every person out there is not genuine or a good person and you should go on a crazy "I trust no one now" rebellion. Don't mistake realism for someone not being genuine either. People can talk on and on all day how they'll love each other forever, will swear to never do this and that, won't ever betray you, etc. However, it's another thing to just do all that without talking your ear off with it. It is a red flag when someone preaches over and over again about something, you know. Meaning, they're likely all talk. Breaking up because of distance and then getting back together once you two close the distance after leaving on good terms doesn't sound bad, but it doesn't seem you two will end on good terms. Which is fine, but unfortunate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Judge them on their actions, not the words they say about their would-be ideals. Yes. Exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EtrnalOptimist Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Talking about ones past or asking your new partner about their past is a recipe for disaster more times than not and sooner or later it causes problems, especially when someone's past is not that good All the more reason it needs to be discussed, don't you think? Just sweep all our past deeds under the rug? By all means we don't need to share everything on the first date, but our past *is* relevant. And if a woman I am in the early stages with says "I find cheaters despicable" and I'd previously had relations with a married women, even if singe myself, you can bet I will be sharing that at the earliest opportunity. Possibly even at that moment. Explain, mitigate, minimise, defend, but definitely not lie or conceal when I know how she feels about it. And let the chips fall where they may.. Other than being selfish, she deprived the OP of information that may or may not have been relevant and (when she finally decided to share) it came out in an even more hurtful way. Secrets are a terrible foundation for a relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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