Starting a happy single life

[firelily]

I need to have higher self-esteem cause unfortunately people everywhere are not that amazing.

 

When I come to new places, I feel like people there are experts and I know nothing. I try hard to learn what to do, make coffees and clean floors if needed, I take full responsibility of every screw-up I do and apologize, listening to people's criticism, while I never criticize people for their screw-ups, which happen just as much for other, more experienced people. I idolize people for their expertise but after learning who they are, I don't think I would want to be like them, considering their moral standards. That in fact if I was left alone to have my own thing, and didn't depend on these people, I would have done it differently.

 

So I just think I'll start to think more highly of myself because honestly, after learning stuff I can do them just as good, and keep a pure heart when doing it too.

[Batya33]

I need to have higher self-esteem cause unfortunately people everywhere are not that amazing.

 

When I come to new places, I feel like people there are experts and I know nothing. I try hard to learn what to do, make coffees and clean floors if needed, I take full responsibility of every screw-up I do and apologize, listening to people's criticism, while I never criticize people for their screw-ups, which happen just as much for other, more experienced people. I idolize people for their expertise but after learning who they are, I don't think I would want to be like them, considering their moral standards. That in fact if I was left alone to have my own thing, and didn't depend on these people, I would have done it differently.

 

So I just think I'll start to think more highly of myself because honestly, after learning stuff I can do them just as good, and keep a pure heart when doing it too.

 

I think it's all about perspective. I've been working well over 20 years in various capacities including at a doughnut shop, "corporate america" government, babysitting, companies, schools, in management and non-management. And I have helped people find jobs and prepped people for interviews along the way. Still do for fun.

 

I would stop putting these people on a pedestal as that is not fair to that person or to you. I would take constructive criticism if it is helpful and understand that part of doing things properly in a professional environment is doing things the way the employer wants them done, which can vary from place to place. I used to be a manager and now I am managed -took a demotion and a huge paycut so I can work part time, telework and have time with my son. I've been in this lower level position for over a year and I have had no issues being managed or going back to closer to entry level after 15 years of professional experience in a major city. And it's all about attitude (plus I work with great people, doesn't hurt!).

I actually highly regard my boss -

Do I ever idolize her? I guess I marvel at how hard she works, her amazing memory, her willingness to mentor despite being crazy busy, her achievements considering that in our industry it was quite challenging 20 and 30 years ago to be recognized as she was and is. But my contribution to our office would be a lot less if I had the attitude you did because it would be an obstacle to getting the work done -you're way too inner focused and focusing too much on analyzing the people around you and how YOU feel about them, their expertise, their morality (or what you think you know about it from a professional setting). Focus instead on getting the work done. Take ego out of it as much as humanly possible. If you're criticized, but not constructively, brush it off just like you'd tell a child who scraped her knee on the playground equipment. Brush it off and get the work done. If you get constructive criticism, take it to heart as far as applying it to your work -the work product. If the person isn't moral in your opinion who cares as long as you're not being asked to do something immoral or unethical -if you are, then you might need to go to HR and explain the issue.

 

Don't "try hard" to "learn what to do" -don't try - just work hard. If your focus is getting the work done you won't have to "try" -you'll choose to learn because that will help you reach your goal. If your goal is mostly self-validation and your ego and telling yourself that you idolize these people and they have such "expertise" and you feel so low about it -or the flip side -you focus on "people are not that amazing" -you're not doing your job -you're looking for self-assurance and you're inner focused. Focus on your contribution to your employer, her bottom line, getting the work done or the service provided to the customers or clients or whatever.

 

Yesterday I had a situation at work where I could have questioned my boss's regard for me. I could choose to focus on my ego I could choose to go on with my day and pick up my son from school so we could have Starbucks and whipped cream on the side. I clicked "send" for an email that was the focus of the work issue and moved on with my life. I suggest you do the same if you want to work with people. Even if you start your own business you'll likely have to work with people. Good time to start focusing on contribution rather than your ego. Obviously we all need some assurance, some validation, to be treated with respect, to respect others - I'm just talking about re-balancing it in your case.

[Jibralta]

So I just think I'll start to think more highly of myself because honestly, after learning stuff I can do them just as good, and keep a pure heart when doing it too.

 

Probably a good idea (as long as you don't become an egomaniac).

 

I find that I habitually underestimate my own ability and overestimate the ability of other people. I only seem to notice it after time passes and I am able to see the situation with some perspective. But it gives me confidence going forward.

[catfeeder]

I need to have higher self-esteem cause unfortunately people everywhere are not that amazing.

 

When I come to new places, I feel like people there are experts and I know nothing. I try hard to learn what to do, make coffees and clean floors if needed, I take full responsibility of every screw-up I do and apologize, listening to people's criticism, while I never criticize people for their screw-ups, which happen just as much for other, more experienced people. I idolize people for their expertise but after learning who they are, I don't think I would want to be like them, considering their moral standards. That in fact if I was left alone to have my own thing, and didn't depend on these people, I would have done it differently.

 

So I just think I'll start to think more highly of myself because honestly, after learning stuff I can do them just as good, and keep a pure heart when doing it too.

 

We're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given moment. I've found that giving myself a break teaches me how to give other people a break--and visa versa. It can all be viewed through a lens of a downward spiral or it can spiral you UPward, above the battleground. You get to pick.

 

Self esteem is a literal term. It's not parent esteem or boyfriend esteem or coworker esteem, so comparing ourselves with others is only useful when it's done through compassionate vision. When we feel good enough about ourselves, we're better able to adopt the generosity of spirit to help the next person feel better, regardless of whether they appear to 'deserve' it or not. We can see through the transparency of hostility or competitiveness to understand that those qualities don't tend to form around people who feel good enough, and so we can recall all the times when we've demonstrated their level of pettiness and insecurity, and we can offer them a kindness instead of sinking back into that place where nothing good evolves.

 

Kindness toward those who aren't kind is the biggest self esteem builder I know. When you own an abundance of self worth, you're not easily influenced by those who can't meet you in that place. Instead, you have enough sanity for the both of you, and you can trust that whether someone else appreciates you or not, YOU appreciate you, and that's why kindness is about pleasing yourself--even when the not-so-kind might benefit from it.

 

Head high.

[firelily]

We're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given moment. I've found that giving myself a break teaches me how to give other people a break--and visa versa. It can all be viewed through a lens of a downward spiral or it can spiral you UPward, above the battleground. You get to pick.

 

Self esteem is a literal term. It's not parent esteem or boyfriend esteem or coworker esteem, so comparing ourselves with others is only useful when it's done through compassionate vision. When we feel good enough about ourselves, we're better able to adopt the generosity of spirit to help the next person feel better, regardless of whether they appear to 'deserve' it or not. We can see through the transparency of hostility or competitiveness to understand that those qualities don't tend to form around people who feel good enough, and so we can recall all the times when we've demonstrated their level of pettiness and insecurity, and we can offer them a kindness instead of sinking back into that place where nothing good evolves.

 

Kindness toward those who aren't kind is the biggest self esteem builder I know. When you own an abundance of self worth, you're not easily influenced by those who can't meet you in that place. Instead, you have enough sanity for the both of you, and you can trust that whether someone else appreciates you or not, YOU appreciate you, and that's why kindness is about pleasing yourself--even when the not-so-kind might benefit from it.

 

Head high.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

However, I'm not sure if "kindness toward those who aren't kind is the biggest self esteem builder". When you show kindness in countless ways to people who are unkind to you, it can make you feel like you're not treating yourself right. In my work, we often switch tasks between ourselves. If someone is doing the main work and my responsibility is to support them, they shout at me and criticize me for not doing it quicker or doing it fast but messy - for which I apologize and kindly support them. If I am doing the main work, I kindly the other person ask for support, for which sometimes I get an angry response because they aren't ready yet. I never criticize them for the time or the messiness due to the insufficient time, like they do, and that happens just as often, because it's human. And it doesn't happen with just one person - it happens with everyone. It's like they believe ordering people puts you in a higher position in hierarchy or something. It all doesn't feel kind. I make some clumsy stuff like spilling coffee, whatever I do I quickly repair it and joke about it cause why not. I feel like it's me who we joke about the most, even though they're also human and do stuff like this, maybe less often but still. Since the beginning of work 2 months ago, I made only one mistake, which I owned and corrected by myself by the end of the day - and I have never made another mistake in anything. Still, some system bug happened last night (I think it's accidental), and the girl who works there the longest said to the boss that it must be me who did something in the system, like I did that time.

 

Another time someone made a mistake and, sort of, someone had to cover for that person. When manager asked about it, without thinking I said that it wasn't me, that I was doing it right. And later someone asked me to say to the manager that I didn't understand his question but yeah it was me, because it looks stupid if the most experienced person here takes a blame for such a mistake as a cover for that other person. I still didn't, but, it didn't make me feel nice. Even though I didn't risk anything, because it's a short term job that ends pretty soon, without any longer opportunities, and not in my profession anyway. I just feel like the right thing to myself is to NOT treat people much kinder than they treat me.

[Batya33]

So here's the thing. No one should be yelling at you at work - or if it happens, extremely rare. Was your mistake you mentioned something that caused the system to malfunction? That's great that you owned up to it and yes in the first two months it's not optimal for something like that to happen -that's still a probationary period. It doesn't matter if it's a temp job in the sense that it never hurts to get great references and be able to network.

 

What percentage of your job is serving coffee? How often do you spill it? Yes humans make mistakes and yes on a job it depends on what percentage of your job is that task and what percentage of the time you make the mistake. At some point it's not "humans make mistakes" but simply "can you do this job".

I don't think you should be a doormat. You can be polite/civil and not be a doormat.

[reinventmyself]

Self esteem is a literal term. It's not parent esteem or boyfriend esteem or coworker esteem, so comparing ourselves with others is only useful when it's done through compassionate vision. When we feel good enough about ourselves, we're better able to adopt the generosity of spirit to help the next person feel better, regardless of whether they appear to 'deserve' it or not. We can see through the transparency of hostility or competitiveness to understand that those qualities don't tend to form around people who feel good enough, and so we can recall all the times when we've demonstrated their level of pettiness and insecurity, and we can offer them a kindness instead of sinking back into that place where nothing good evolves.

 

Kindness toward those who aren't kind is the biggest self esteem builder I know. When you own an abundance of self worth, you're not easily influenced by those who can't meet you in that place. Instead, you have enough sanity for the both of you, and you can trust that whether someone else appreciates you or not, YOU appreciate you, and that's why kindness is about pleasing yourself--even when the not-so-kind might benefit from it.

 

Head high.

well said. . and worth repeating

[Jibralta]

Still, some system bug happened last night (I think it's accidental), and the girl who works there the longest said to the boss that it must be me who did something in the system, like I did that time.

 

That makes me furious.

 

Something like that happened to me. I worked the grave yard shift in a donut shop when I was in college. It didn't last long, and here's why.

 

The baker made an error completing an order for donut-holes. Instead of thirteen dozen donut-holes, he made thirteen donut-holes. By the time the morning rush came in, he was long gone.

 

I got this lady her donut-hole order, and she was like, "Where's the rest?" The manager, who'd just come in an hour before, asked me, "Where's the rest?"

 

I'd seen the order. It had the number "13" circled on it. There was no "dozen" on the order. I explained this to the manager.

 

Even though baking was no where near within the realm of my paltry responsibilities, the manager pointed her finger at me and in front of a store full of customers said to the woman, "I'm sorry that we don't have your order, ma'am. But she messed it up."

 

Man, that was low.

 

But you know what? It didn't matter. I knew it then, and I know it now.

[catfeeder]

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

However, I'm not sure if "kindness toward those who aren't kind is the biggest self esteem builder". When you show kindness in countless ways to people who are unkind to you, it can make you feel like you're not treating yourself right. In my work, we often switch tasks between ourselves. If someone is doing the main work and my responsibility is to support them, they shout at me and criticize me for not doing it quicker or doing it fast but messy - for which I apologize and kindly support them. If I am doing the main work, I kindly the other person ask for support, for which sometimes I get an angry response because they aren't ready yet. I never criticize them for the time or the messiness due to the insufficient time, like they do, and that happens just as often, because it's human. And it doesn't happen with just one person - it happens with everyone. It's like they believe ordering people puts you in a higher position in hierarchy or something. It all doesn't feel kind. I make some clumsy stuff like spilling coffee, whatever I do I quickly repair it and joke about it cause why not. I feel like it's me who we joke about the most, even though they're also human and do stuff like this, maybe less often but still. Since the beginning of work 2 months ago, I made only one mistake, which I owned and corrected by myself by the end of the day - and I have never made another mistake in anything. Still, some system bug happened last night (I think it's accidental), and the girl who works there the longest said to the boss that it must be me who did something in the system, like I did that time.

 

Another time someone made a mistake and, sort of, someone had to cover for that person. When manager asked about it, without thinking I said that it wasn't me, that I was doing it right. And later someone asked me to say to the manager that I didn't understand his question but yeah it was me, because it looks stupid if the most experienced person here takes a blame for such a mistake as a cover for that other person. I still didn't, but, it didn't make me feel nice. Even though I didn't risk anything, because it's a short term job that ends pretty soon, without any longer opportunities, and not in my profession anyway. I just feel like the right thing to myself is to NOT treat people much kinder than they treat me.

 

If you want to devolve to their level, you can do that, it's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything but feeling even lousier about sinking that low. Instead, I'd consider that you've only been there 2 months and you've recognized that the place is a snake pit full of unhappy people. What should that tell you about that job?

 

You can still be kind to people while seeking a better work environment elsewhere. That's 'covert' kindness to yourself, and it renders everyone else's behavior irrelevant because you won't need to put up with it much longer.

 

Head high.

[reinventmyself]

You can still be kind to people while seeking a better work environment elsewhere. That's 'covert' kindness to yourself, and it renders everyone else's behavior irrelevant because you won't need to put up with it much longer.

 

Head high.

 

I do have to force myself to practice this at work sometimes. I deal with close to 200 staff members that pretty much only speak to me when they want something or are upset. After 15 yrs it becomes draining, effects my attitude and how I view my job.

Seeing I am not going to quit anytime soon, I push myself to kill them with kindness some times just to see if it makes a difference. It may or may not make a difference in them but I can tell it makes a difference in how I feel at the end of the day.

 

But having said that, it takes effort to do it sometimes.

[catfeeder]

I do have to force myself to practice this at work sometimes. I deal with close to 200 staff members that pretty much only speak to me when they want something or are upset. After 15 yrs it becomes draining, effects my attitude and how I view my job.

Seeing I am not going to quit anytime soon, I push myself to kill them with kindness some times just to see if it makes a difference. It may or may not make a difference in them but I can tell it makes a difference in how I feel at the end of the day.

 

But having said that, it takes effort to do it sometimes.

 

Well said. Whenever dealing with someone who's more miserable than me, I pause my default responses to ask myself whether I want to go down that drain with them, or whether I'm the one in control of my own outlook. The old saying, "Misery loves company..." has endured because it's true.

 

Just because the company I want to keep may be remote during given situations, that doesn't make me incapable of tapping into the positive synergy that I enjoy with them at will. I often think of the people I admire for strength and ask, "What would Linda say to me right now?"

 

Keep the energy of those you love with you as you navigate bad work or bad dating or bad anything else. You've chosen those people to lift you UP, and you'll boost THEM up when you recount your handling of the cards you're dealt with their spirit in mind.

 

For me, it's a matter of pride when I can either reverse or mitigate someone else's impact on me by sheer willpower and mental navigation. Notice I didn't say reverse or mitigate someone else's misery or attitude--because if that happens it's just a bonus. The goal is to enjoy a self created Teflon bubble that welcomes those who will join me there but deflects those who are incapable of envisioning that place. Too bad, so sad--for them. I'll always make room for them in the place I carry with me, but if they're too hung up on gnawing a misery bone, then I respectfully leave them to it.

 

Head high, and enjOy your own choices. They aren't 'work,' they are habit. The better practiced you become, the easier it becomes to remain where you WANT to operate.