Starting a happy single life

[Jibralta]

I know it will take me a little long time to develop resilience (does anybody really have it?)

 

That's interesting. I don't think it's true. I think it's more a matter of intention, than it is a matter of developing resiliency: "I'm going to succeed, and I don't care how hard it is, or how much you don't like me." Then I roll my eyes back in my head like a shark in a feeding frenzy and battle through.

 

You're already resilient. The bumps and bruises will always heal.

[firelily]

That's interesting. I don't think it's true. I think it's more a matter of intention, than it is a matter of developing resiliency: "I'm going to succeed, and I don't care how hard it is, or how much you don't like me." Then I roll my eyes back in my head like a shark in a feeding frenzy and battle through.

 

You're already resilient. The bumps and bruises will always heal.

 

That makes sense. I do have some resilience, I don't have the level I would like to have, but I will never be absolutely protected from the bad effects of stress, so more often than not it's good to leave the situation that is not serving me and move forward.

 

I would say I need more resilience, if after 7 months in a corporation job where I felt invisible or sometimes bullied, I need 15 months of joblessness to regenerate because I don't feel emotionally ready to deal with stress of another job. But I also need more self-respect and valuable professional skills so that I don't have to stay to long in places that are driving me mad.

[Pleasedonot5]

Firelily, you're doing great. I think you're finding a lot of life lessons and are now working to make your life genuinely better. You'll find that we make the most positive changes happen in our lives when we aren't able to numb the pain through someone else.

 

You are your biggest supporter, and I think you are realizing this. Keep it up!

[Jibralta]

I will never be absolutely protected from the bad effects of stress, so more often than not it's good to leave the situation that is not serving me and move forward.

 

I would say I need more resilience, if after 7 months in a corporation job where I felt invisible or sometimes bullied, I need 15 months of joblessness to regenerate because I don't feel emotionally ready to deal with stress of another job. But I also need more self-respect and valuable professional skills so that I don't have to stay to long in places that are driving me mad.

 

Yes, you will never be completely protected from unpleasant feelings. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, as the saying goes.

 

You learn as you go. Anyone would feel drained after 7 months in a miserable environment. But if you find yourself in a similar situation again, you will be in a better position to recognize and compartmentalize it while you line up another job.

 

Keep your eyes on where you want to go, not where you think you are now.

[Batya33]

That makes sense. I do have some resilience, I don't have the level I would like to have, but I will never be absolutely protected from the bad effects of stress, so more often than not it's good to leave the situation that is not serving me and move forward.

 

I would say I need more resilience, if after 7 months in a corporation job where I felt invisible or sometimes bullied, I need 15 months of joblessness to regenerate because I don't feel emotionally ready to deal with stress of another job. But I also need more self-respect and valuable professional skills so that I don't have to stay to long in places that are driving me mad.

 

So I personally don't think any amount of "joblessness" is needed to regenerate to deal with being employed again. Certainly a vacation, some time to relax and recharge -a few weeks, a month maybe. I think you mostly told yourself that for other reasons. Certainly professional skills are essential and self-respect -whatever that particularly means to you -is basic, a given. All jobs have stress. Being unemployed is stressful too.

[Jibralta]

Yes, 15 months is a bit of an over-indulgence. It could actually make it worse for you to stew in those feelings for such a long time, Firelily.

[Batya33]

Yes, 15 months is a bit of an over-indulgence. It could actually make it worse for you to stew in those feelings for such a long time, Firelily.

 

I worked in a few highly toxic environments. In one case I was interviewing to get out of there when a job opportunity came through with colleagues who also wanted to leave. I think I had less than a week between jobs. In another case I believe I took a few days and then returned to an old job which had its typical stresses -meaning typical of all jobs- certainly not toxic! Getting back in the saddle was the best approach IMO.

[dias]

So I personally don't think any amount of "joblessness" is needed to regenerate to deal with being employed again. Certainly a vacation, some time to relax and recharge -a few weeks, a month maybe. I think you mostly told yourself that for other reasons. Certainly professional skills are essential and self-respect -whatever that particularly means to you -is basic, a given. All jobs have stress. Being unemployed is stressful too.

True that- but the thing is how stress affects you. There are some people who just never "feel" stressed. How awesome is that. Learning how to cope with stress is the key, otherwise you will never be able to handle any job.

[Batya33]

True that- but the thing is how stress affects you. There are some people who just never "feel" stressed. How awesome is that. Learning how to cope with stress is the key, otherwise you will never be able to handle any job.

 

Yes, I took that into account in my opinion that 15 months of choosing joblessness as a way to recover from a toxic work environment didn't seem like an effective approach. I often feel stressed. I know no one who doesn't when it comes to work.

[dias]

Yes, I took that into account in my opinion that 15 months of choosing joblessness as a way to recover from a toxic work environment didn't seem like an effective approach. I often feel stressed. I know no one who doesn't when it comes to work.

Although, not getting stressed easily is an intrinsic streak, like everything else it can be cultivated to an extent.

 

I know people who never feel stressed even under very stressful conditions. Usually they are the most efficient employees-or the worst employees that don't care about anything but that's another story.

[Batya33]

Although, not getting stressed easily is an intrinsic streak, like everything else it can be cultivated to an extent.

 

I know people who never feel stressed even under very stressful conditions. Usually they are the most efficient employees-or the worst employees that don't care about anything but that's another story.

 

I don't agree. I think it is something to be worked on as far as how one chooses to react to different situations. I think people can appear non-stressed in many situations even though such is not the case in the least

[firelily]

I think everyone needs to have their own approach to stress. Some people don't care that much about stuff. I care a bit too much. But anyway, I think everyone needs to find their own solution. There are freelancers out there who wouldn't survive the stress of a 'normal' job but are doing great where they are. There are great employees who wouldn't handle the stress of having their own business. I think there are types of stresses that I have a motivation to adapt to. But there are others, like being in an high competition environment, which I don't want to have anything in common with.

 

When I'm under stress, I start underperforming. Believe me, I had times when I did so poorly in work I would fire myself if I could. I come to work late, later, then I have a hard time motivating myself to come at all. Then I take time to regenerate, and when I see that I don't have it in me to wake up before noon and do stuff while being unemployed, I start believing I wouldn't handle any job and so on and that I need to tackle possible depression/lack of motivation first.But at least I used this time to finish my studies, so it wasn't time wasted.

 

Let's not drag it here, my point was, after being burned out by stress and I can do that pretty quickly, I feel extremely emotionally tired and I stop being able to perform decently at any job, school or task. That's what I could use more resilience for, because right now the price to pay for my achievements is higher than what the success seems to be. I need a better balance between what going out of my comfort zone gives me and what it takes from me. I feel like all big victories in my 20s were paid in blood. My bruises cure too slowly, so I get the new ones before the old heal, and I walk around being beaten to a pulp by life experiences that others would just stand up from. So I develop this phobia against more life pain that comes with work, achievements, relationships, big life changes. Since I know I just won't handle too much of it.

[Jibralta]

Believe me, I had times when I did so poorly in work I would fire myself if I could.

 

That made me laugh.

 

Despite what you say, you don't come off as being weak, or weak-minded. Could you possibly be underestimating yourself?

[Batya33]

Do you get enough sleep, eat enough healthful foods, get enough exercise including outdoors- how are your basics?

[firelily]

Do you get enough sleep, eat enough healthful foods, get enough exercise including outdoors- how are your basics?

 

These weeks alright, thanks. November was godawful, I was trapped in home because of a cold, time zone changed, so for 2 or 3 weeks I barely got any daylight. Right now I try to sleep less and do more, so I feel much better, having done 80% of the planned stuff by the end of the day. No time for exercise, a lot of walking round the city and between busses.

[Batya33]

These weeks alright, thanks. November was godawful, I was trapped in home because of a cold, time zone changed, so for 2 or 3 weeks I barely got any daylight. Right now I try to sleep less and do more, so I feel much better, having done 80% of the planned stuff by the end of the day. No time for exercise, a lot of walking round the city and between busses.

 

Why don't you have time for exercise? I work 25-30 hours a week and another 30 hours plus caring for my child, up by 6am every day. I am in my early 50s and I find 30-35 minutes a day to do cardio typically early morning. Been doing regular exercise for 35 years while working crazy hours and while in an intense grad program. Make the time, especially to do 20-30 minutes of vigorous cardio to clear your head - sometimes I use a walk at home DVD as a last resort - with an exercise band -and there are many free youtube videos from what I understand Walking around the city is fine -but also get that sustained vigorous exercise IMHO.

 

I am not sure if you have a psychological issue beyond a more typical reaction to stress which of course is on a range/spectrum and varies individually. I think you're not taking into account quite enough how much of this is within your control and your own choice. And if you truly have a phobia -a diagnosed disorder -then you work with a therapist or a psychiatrist or whatever -that is beyond my knowledge -what is within it is the part about your choices of reactions to life's stresses and to those I have the basic suggestions with an emphasis on starting habitual exercise -at least 3-5 times a week.

[catfeeder]

Let's not drag it here, my point was, after being burned out by stress and I can do that pretty quickly, I feel extremely emotionally tired and I stop being able to perform decently at any job, school or task. That's what I could use more resilience for, because right now the price to pay for my achievements is higher than what the success seems to be. I need a better balance between what going out of my comfort zone gives me and what it takes from me. I feel like all big victories in my 20s were paid in blood. My bruises cure too slowly, so I get the new ones before the old heal, and I walk around being beaten to a pulp by life experiences that others would just stand up from. So I develop this phobia against more life pain that comes with work, achievements, relationships, big life changes. Since I know I just won't handle too much of it.

 

I get it. I've found it most helpful to identify someone who I believe performs well, and then when I'm stressed I pause to ask myself how I believe that the person would handle this. I'm able to form an idea in my mind of how they would approach my situation, and I follow that route. This includes how they would mentally handle it--not just their behavior. I have two mantras that I repeat all the time: one is "resilience," given that my goal is to build that skill, and the other is , "I can do this...".

 

Pointing my focus toward the mentality and behaviors I admire puts me in the shoes of someone who handles stress well--and I find that I make it so. This practice creates a habit of minimizing stresses and plowing over them rather than feeling victimized, as though I'm the one who's being plowed.

 

This has gained me healthier habits and approaches that have come to feel natural while sinking into inertia has become rare and reserved for when I'm under the weather. This alerts me to a need for self care and some self indulgence in the form of rewards rather than old habits of shutting down.

 

Head high.

[firelily]

Why don't you have time for exercise? I work 25-30 hours a week and another 30 hours plus caring for my child, up by 6am every day. I am in my early 50s and I find 30-35 minutes a day to do cardio typically early morning. Been doing regular exercise for 35 years while working crazy hours and while in an intense grad program. Make the time, especially to do 20-30 minutes of vigorous cardio to clear your head - sometimes I use a walk at home DVD as a last resort - with an exercise band -and there are many free youtube videos from what I understand Walking around the city is fine -but also get that sustained vigorous exercise IMHO.

 

Yes, I want to do that! If I wanted to have my perfect day today, I would clean up my room before christmas, go to pick up medical results, go to doctor with the results, make laundry, go to the cinema, exercise for 30 minutes, play one of my 3 instruments for 30 minutes, go read a book that I need to return in 3 days, cook a dinner, polish my boots... I think that's it. I managed to do about 3-4 of these, so I'm extremely satisfied, but I felt sleepy/tired for most of the day. That's good. There are weeks when I wake up and I see that list in my head and I do like 1 or 0. And I don't work! So I'm satisfied when I do 60% of that list, or the ones that are the priority. I'm not sad that I haven't exercised in 2 weeks when I clearly could find 20 minutes a day - but I'd rather find that 20 minutes a day for my harp, guitar, for drawing, for writing stories, catching up with my favourite TV series, talking with a friend, sending CVs, helping out my parents with something, talking to my grandpa, reading a book... Seriously, I never know which one to pick! But I can't make short cardio my priority 3-4 a week. I'd rather go swimming or something when I'm in the mood. But I have too much passion for too many things to waste it on boring (and painful) movements of hands and legs I'll never have a beach body. But I'd be happy finding more time for the exercise/outdoorsy stuff that I actually enjoy doing. So recently there's snow and I started taking a lot of walks to enjoy the white landscape. But I don't regret not taking walks in November, when the world outside was ugly. I'm happy that I stayed in to read a book.

 

I am not sure if you have a psychological issue beyond a more typical reaction to stress which of course is on a range/spectrum and varies individually. I think you're not taking into account quite enough how much of this is within your control and your own choice. And if you truly have a phobia -a diagnosed disorder -then you work with a therapist or a psychiatrist or whatever -that is beyond my knowledge -what is within it is the part about your choices of reactions to life's stresses and to those I have the basic suggestions with an emphasis on starting habitual exercise -at least 3-5 times a week.

 

Nothing diagnosed. I don't think my reaction to stress is typical, and I feel like I've always been prone to depression/anxiety stuff. Sometimes I struggle with self-harming thoughts, but I'll never do any harm to myself - just a lot of inner discomfort. I've seen many psychologists and psychiatrists in my 20s about my problems with dealing with stressed caused by a lot of studying, but I haven't found any solution so far. Just trial and error. Trying to move forward, and trying again. No magical pill for me

[firelily]

I get it. I've found it most helpful to identify someone who I believe performs well, and then when I'm stressed I pause to ask myself how I believe that the person would handle this. I'm able to form an idea in my mind of how they would approach my situation, and I follow that route. This includes how they would mentally handle it--not just their behavior. I have two mantras that I repeat all the time: one is "resilience," given that my goal is to build that skill, and the other is , "I can do this...".

 

Pointing my focus toward the mentality and behaviors I admire puts me in the shoes of someone who handles stress well--and I find that I make it so. This practice creates a habit of minimizing stresses and plowing over them rather than feeling victimized, as though I'm the one who's being plowed.

 

This has gained me healthier habits and approaches that have come to feel natural while sinking into inertia has become rare and reserved for when I'm under the weather. This alerts me to a need for self care and some self indulgence in the form of rewards rather than old habits of shutting down.

 

Head high.

 

That actually works for me. Wish I could find a psychologist for myself with your methods I do need to remind myself about finding other solutions than shutting down, to remind myself to think about my role models and do more art as means of working through emotions. These are things that work for me, wish I had someone who would motivate me to do these things more often.

 

With a side note, that thinking about role models is fine when I'm in a good mental state. Then I can use it as an actual motivation. If I feel down, my perception shifts. Motivational songs depress me, thinking about role models makes me idolize them and feel sh*tty about myself. At the lower level, hot chocolate and a warm blanket might be more effective than comparing myself to someone who's good at life.

[Batya33]

I didn’t recommend exercise for a beach body in the least. I recommended it to you for a healthy body a healthy mind and also as a stress reduction and perspective gaining tool. And also so you feel less tired. I see that you don’t want to commit to regular exercise and you’re an adult and entitled to make that choice.

[Batya33]

To add. Much of what you’ve written gives the impression of passivity and looking to blame your emotions or your whims of the moment for your failures to act in a forward moving productive way. Seems to me that your ability to live at home with your family enables this because there are no real life consequences to your passivity. You get to muse and dream and contemplate your navel and tell yourself you’re too tired and that 60% of typical tasks are quite enough. And that corproations are toxic and the antidote is long term unemployment. How much of this would change if you didn’t have the privilege of waiting to be motivated but instead has to act instead of “wait” for some inspiration - artistic or otherwise - to carry you on the wings of Motivation?

I’m not saying that this is all of the reason but it sure makes it more convenient for you. I moved out on my late 20s after grad school. Had no clue how much that would make me grow and gain more confidence and improve my relationship with my parents. Just food for thought.

[firelily]

To add. Much of what you’ve written gives the impression of passivity and looking to blame your emotions or your whims of the moment for your failures to act in a forward moving productive way. Seems to me that your ability to live at home with your family enables this because there are no real life consequences to your passivity. You get to muse and dream and contemplate your navel and tell yourself you’re too tired and that 60% of typical tasks are quite enough. And that corproations are toxic and the antidote is long term unemployment. How much of this would change if you didn’t have the privilege of waiting to be motivated but instead has to act instead of “wait” for some inspiration - artistic or otherwise - to carry you on the wings of Motivation?

I’m not saying that this is all of the reason but it sure makes it more convenient for you. I moved out on my late 20s after grad school. Had no clue how much that would make me grow and gain more confidence and improve my relationship with my parents. Just food for thought.

 

I'm actually thinking about trying this approach. To move out and sort things on the way, with initial financial help with my parents, if they agree to do that. Living here does fuel my passivity. However, I was even more passive when I lived for a while with my phlegmatic and unambitious ex. We just ordered pizza every day Ideally, I'd love to be alone in a new place with no flatmates, but that's not possible in recent future. So I'll try some other solution.

 

The other thing that fuels my passivity is that I feel like my goals are unreachable anyway. I'll never do all the things I expect out of life, the progress is painfully slow and still tiring, so sometimes I feel like giving up.

[itsallgrand]

I can relate to some of your feelings and thoughts. I can't relate to having the option of financial help or being allowed to live with parent(s) past the age of around 18-19. My mom would help sometimes with treats of fancier foods and things like that , in the early years ( and as random presents at any age, if she thought I'd like it or she baked it/cooked it for me). That was literally it . And I'm grateful for that, as I did have a comfortable childhood all in all, and my needs taken care of all in all).

 

I am trying to imagine what financial backing and living situation provided , with no 'cut off' would feel like. You always have that super comfy net, I imagine it would be hard to will yourself out of it and really feel the urgency of concequences, like Batya mentions.

 

What if you would out tomorrow and that's it?! Of course you'd find a way.

[firelily]

I can relate to some of your feelings and thoughts. I can't relate to having the option of financial help or being allowed to live with parent(s) past the age of around 18-19. My mom would help sometimes with treats of fancier foods and things like that , in the early years ( and as random presents at any age, if she thought I'd like it or she baked it/cooked it for me). That was literally it . And I'm grateful for that, as I did have a comfortable childhood all in all, and my needs taken care of all in all).

 

I am trying to imagine what financial backing and living situation provided , with no 'cut off' would feel like. You always have that super comfy net, I imagine it would be hard to will yourself out of it and really feel the urgency of concequences, like Batya mentions.

 

What if you would out tomorrow and that's it?! Of course you'd find a way.

 

I choose to believe that I would manage.

 

However, I can also easily imagine a bad scenario. With my tendencies to become overwhelmed and then retreat, the debt that I have, the fact that it's difficult here for young people to support themselves... I feel optimistic, but at the same time like my optimism is not grounded because life may turn out quite hard and I have little personal resources to deal with that.

[itsallgrand]

What specifically do you mean by 'personal resources' firelily?

 

Do you mean psychological ? Emotional? Social? Financial?