My anger broke us up, the aftermath is painful. Please don't be like me.

[lukasm]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm here to tell everyone my story and hopefully someone will be willing to give me some encouragement because I am not being able to deal with this properly.

 

My ex and I met on Okcupid back in 2013 and were in a strong loving relationship for the most part of it. She was 21 and i was 24. One of the red flags in our relationship was that she moved in rather fast with me because her mom would constantly harrass her to do something with her life. She had a small depression because she had abandon university. Me, being super nice and being her my first girlfriend ever, accepted her into the small appartment i was renting. Eventually, we moved into our own place after 1 year of knowing each other.

 

Living together was a bliss, we were in love, but more often that not, she would do little things that annoyed me. Like tapping on my shoulder when I was focused on something. Eventually this turned into me throwing doors, punching walls and at some point she asked me to seek help on anger management. I was arrogant and selfish and said I would deal with it by myself.

 

This turned into more fights, more abusive language, more yelling, but she stayed with me. She loved me that much, and the moments where i wasnt angry were almost perfect.

 

I was also under very deep financial struggles because i couldn't keep a job long enough to start paying my debts, so I would always be under pressure financially, while she was moving up.

 

Eventually we moved closer to her parents, more expensive appartment, a car and a dog. Things were worst financially for me.

 

The fights continued, and of the worst things that I truly regret doing today is stabbing a knife on a table to show strength, and deleting a video I had made of our little dog when we got him the first time. She begged me not to do it. And i did it.

During one of our breaks, she told me she would always love and and always wanted me to be close to her, even as friends, because I was so important for her, since I was her first (so was she to me)

While i had curved a lot of my aggressive behavior towards her in the very last months, i was still arrogant and selfish and would most of the time worry about what I wanted and not what she needed. I broke up with her 2 times since august and would return every time promising to change. Eventually this led to her breaking up with me, telling me she was tired of everything and couldn't deal with me anymore.

 

I spent the rest of my first week alone, crying, realizing the mistakes I had made and pleading to God to forgive me for what I had done.

We had little contact until then, and she made many hopeful comments that our relationship could work out eventually, then I sent her the most heartfelt apology I had ever written, I pleaded and begged for another chance.

We went NC for 2 weeks.

When i came back, I asked her If we could start talking. And her response broke my soul and my heart. She told me we would go our separate ways. I tried to ask for closure and she told me "I want to be happy, I was not happy with you, its over now". I strongly believe that she decided to tell her parents everything that had happened with us and they heavily weighed against us getting together. I don't blame her, even though I love her and miss her, I wouldn't want to be with me right now. I know this because I called them to apologize for all that I did. I wasn't expecting anything from them, but they told me I would never ever be welcome in their home again.

 

Hearing this, my entire world crumbled. I no longer knew who I was. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I was not the guy she had felt in love with. All my sense of safety disappeared as if someone had swept the rug from under me.

 

I screwed up what I believe was the best thing to ever happen to me, even if she was my first love, I wanted it to be the last one. We had plans for a family and trips. All that is now a painful memory.

 

I feel better because therapy is helping me. We have been broken for a month now. I still remember her smile and her so charismatic reactions. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I just hope that one day our paths cross again, even if its for a friendship.

 

TL Please, listen to your partner when something is wrong and learn that it takes 2 two to tango. Don't and to be arrogant and selfish. Don't be me.

[rosephase]

How about this one? Don’t purposefully hurt your partner. You were abusive. Anger is only one of the issues. The idea that it is ever okay to hurt your partner on purpose, no matter how irritated you are, is abusive.

[Dominique]

It is good that you are seeking help. I hope you find peace and lasting change.

 

My ex husband was like you were in the relationship you shared. I begged him to change and stayed with him trying to be supportive. Our marriage is over now and he blames me and is completely unrepentant. He doesn't see at all the things I did to support him and show him love ...the things I did to keep our marriage together.

 

We have been in a crazy divorce battle for 3 years now and because I dated someone almost 2 years after we separated, he accuses me of adultery and has told his entire family that I left him for another man. He takes no responsibility at all for his abusive behavior that drove me away. I took his abuse for 11 years.

 

Let her recover from you and move on. Keep working on yourself and find healing. Those are the two things you can do to net a better future.

 

Sending you love and light and thanks for sharing this. It took a lot of courage to be open like you have been in this post.