Dreams and Nightmares*

[Broken77]

I was actually looking up "nightmares after a breakup" on google, found this thread, ended up reading all 80 pages of it.

This, over the last 1 week.

 

I have great respect for all of you, whichever part of the world you're in.

Its ironic, people who we thought would care, aren't even aware of the turmoil folks like us went through & then total outsiders come to the rescue.

Oh well, such is life.

[Morello]

It's great to hear from all of you. What we can all see is that life is happening out there, regardless of whether we decide to really participate in it or not. I still find myself in the 'what if' thinking from time to time. What I still grieve about is a bit of the shame in reacting badly when she rejected me. Having done all of soul searching and studying relationships and psychology in the last 7 months I could pinpoint the root of my behaviour. It all poinst to the past, one way or the other. I've never dealt well with rejection. And this is what I'm trying to change. The extent to which our past defines us is how much we allow it to.

 

I was watching that series called 'Vikings' the other day and it struck me that according to their old gods, you have a fate to fulfill and that's it. So if you're fate is already defined, you might as well either get depressed or go out there and experience everything to the fullest. It did help them a lot in invading big chunks of western Europe

 

I don't bite the fate thing, but if one hand our outcome is not 'written', on the other, there are just too many 'external' factors which we have no control over that will likely define what will happen to us. One way or the other, the extent to which we can change things is limited. Maybe this can help people have a more 'enjoy the ride' kind of lifestyle instead of dwelling in overanalysing the past, what ifs, and whether this or that person was the right or wrong for you. We need to control our narratives, otherwise we can just get stuck while life swallows us.

 

While we keep thinking whether our exes were the half-souls that we missed on or whether we'll find the same connection again, in the end, it just doesn't matter. It's the past, cannot be changed. But you can put extra effort in whatever you're doing now. In building better relationships with people, a better lifestyle, career, spirituality.

 

Sending good vibes to you all!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carus. I told myself for a long time that I could stay friends with my ex. I found myself going through denial and getting my hopes up at times. I just let myself remain open for more pain and rejection.

 

I last heard from him Xmas day when he sent me a text. He had told me for months that he would be coming up to visit me before Xmas.

 

I didn't reply for 3 days and sent a happy New Year type text you would send to an acquaintance. I haven't heard from him since, and I have made no actions to contact him. I used to make so many excuses for his behaviour. I really don't care anymore. I don't want contact with him anymore. I don't want him as a friend. I finally moved on from him and could never had done that while in contact -.even pseudo-friendship.

[Carus]

You have your Queen waiting for you, she's wondering where you are right now too:) You might be wishing on the same star, who knows. But she's out there. Maybe she's in the US! Lol love to you xxxxxxxxxx

Yes well if I could get there and stop you being in contact with your ex, I would! :)

 

But maybe the fact he still contacts you, and you seem fairly nonchalant with it, something may come back together with you two? If you really don't want that then I think it does seem to be holding you back a bit....

 

Why don't you and your daughter come down for a vacation in the school holidays..? ;-) xx

I was actually looking up "nightmares after a breakup" on google, found this thread, ended up reading all 80 pages of it.

This, over the last 1 week.

Ha! Wow! My thread has made the Google search engine! Glad you found us Broken* I hope it has helped you in some way. Especially the damage ongoing meaningless contact can do! I think it may be harsh being ghosted from day 1, but with the ongoing (meaningless) contact, here I am in month 8 and more hurt than I was in the first few months as finality has finally arrived*

 

The other thing it does is helps the dumper alleviate any guilt they are feeling until they are off living their life as you go down with the ship. And that is also very painful....

Its ironic, people who we thought would care, aren't even aware of the turmoil folks like us went through & then total outsiders come to the rescue.

We sure are lucky to have this resource. There is a part of me that wants her to know the anguish she's caused me, but I can't even put it into words anymore and it's too late for that anyway....

What I still grieve about is a bit of the shame in reacting badly when she rejected me.

My Dear Morello* ~ Not really much shame in that mate. Pretty much everyone does it, and funnily enough, I feel bad sometimes for NOT begging and pleading. Why? Because I think that she probably felt that I obviously just didn't care that much....*sigh* There's just no easy answer when losing someone of significance in our lives :(

I don't bite the fate thing, but if one hand our outcome is not 'written', on the other, there are just too many 'external' factors which we have no control over that will likely define what will happen to us. One way or the other, the extent to which we can change things is limited. Maybe this can help people have a more 'enjoy the ride' kind of lifestyle instead of dwelling in overanalysing the past, what ifs, and whether this or that person was the right or wrong for you. We need to control our narratives, otherwise we can just get stuck while life swallows us.

Nicely written.... I myself don't really subscribe to the whole 'Fate' thing. Otherwise I could just sit at home and become fabulously rich...if that was my 'fate'....

 

Certain actions and patterns caused the demise of my marriage, it wasn't fate....And boy do I wish I could go back with the hindsight I have now...But I can't, and sadly most of us will never get that chance...It's definitely a minority....

Hugs Carus. I told myself for a long time that I could stay friends with my ex. I found myself going through denial and getting my hopes up at times. I just let myself remain open for more pain and rejection.

Yes. I said I couldn't be friends and only to contact me if she wanted to get back together. But I wasn't strong enough and she called my bluff over and over...

 

Of course, because I'd said that, every time she did contact me I'd think exactly that and get my hopes up....

 

And I do think that is why, here at month 8, I'm still in debilitating pain.....

 

Anyway, she's gone now so let's see if that helps over the coming months*

===========================================================================================

That said, it's her birthday next Tuesday (15th) so I may be a little more active here over the next week as I navigate that. The 'first' everythings after a breakup are usually the hardest....

 

Will she have a party? Will she invite me? Will I be expected to go?? Should I acknowledge it at all...?

 

8 months!! Dear God. Please let this be over soon. I can't take it much longer.....

 

Love to you all.

 

Carus*

[Broken77]

Carus,

 

Today is my ex's birthday. She is having a party and I'm not invited. The party is at her house, with her roommate, who's now her boyfriend and not a roommate.

Well, it wasn't that we haven't talked since the breakup. At the very beginning, she pursued me for friendship. And I guess I wanted some meaning to the whole relationship so I sorta went with it it then. I then stopped responding 3 months in when I realized she's dating the roommate. They'd never met each other before.

 

I haven't wished, no.

[Carus]

Sorry to hear that Broken*. It's a tough road for sure....

 

For my situation, she was never 'nasty' to me per se, and as far as I know she's not with anyone else...

 

But I still have to recognize the yearning I have for her and that would be driving any action I take....

 

There's a chance I could drop her a Happy BDay msg but there's no way in hell I'm going to subject myself to a room full of people wishing her well and fawning over her whilst I live my life in pain in darkness....

 

What irks me is that because she and all the friends and community are ok with the breakdown in the marriage, in some sick way I feel I'm expected to be as well....and I'm just not. I still have a steel blade lodged in my chest!

 

Maybe next year....

 

Carus*

[Carus]

Carus, lol the ex and I were going rounds with text this morning because I didn't answer him last night. So all I got today was "how was ur date?" Over and over. He assumed because I don't answer I was with a guy. So I asked how his was, I get "I didn't have one, you did, I have no time to date" We threw insults back and forth, I told him the summer concerts whete we met are starting in a couple of weeks so he can go pick up a ho bag, or pick up a different one every concert, his choice! We can really dish it out to each other. I'm fine with it, why he does this idk but he's not in any way near settling down, and I am.

Well if it's not causing you any pain then it's ok...I kinda wish I was still hearing from mine, the silence brings finality and it's hard to deal with...

I know it must be hard for you to have her bday coming up(she's a Taurus, like me!) ooh stubborn!!

I know you'll probably send her a msg. It's hard, does she usually have a party? Is this why you worry?

Mm, we'll see...I'm kinda torn...NC and not saying anything seems a little egotistical and part of me feels I should be able to rise above it....But God I'm still so hurt by the loss of her...and everything I held dear....

 

It's her 40th and back when we were talking she mentioned it a couple of times....But there's been nothing mentioned so far (according to a mutual friend).

I'm sorry, I really truly wish I could drown all your pain out and put only happiness in your life.

Thankyou...The pain is still quite deep but you have certainly kept me afloat*

I'd absolutely looooove to get to Australia one day. When I win the lottery, I'll be there! But hey, free accommodations right? I'll cook, keep everything tidy, and be quiet!! Lol

You be quiet..? Ha! (Please don't ever x )

 

I'll buy you a ticket down...Just say the word*

 

Carus*

[Broken77]

Carus,

 

Decide how it feels like when the day arrives. If you're hurting, prioritise your feelings over her's and don't bother wishing.

 

On my birthday in March, I stupidly called her on my own (breaking NC) and informed her that she should be wishing me as it's my birthday. It was foolish, I was probably also in denial or something. She reacted with how she was the worst person in the world for forgetting it and wished me. But there was this "ditsy" tone to her voice, that made me feel like she's with her boyfriend and trying to be cool, if you know what I mean.

 

I just decided to cut her off after that. Closing in on 2 months since, haven't communicated, been peaceful.

[Carus]

Carus,

 

Decide how it feels like when the day arrives. If you're hurting, prioritize your feelings over her's and don't bother wishing.

Yeh that's about it really...I'm trying not to think about it too much. It only causes me angst...Thanks Broken....

Where's the respectable men? Ones that don't degrade women? Can't even pump my gas or grocery shop without some tool being a tool. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

We're out here SweetGirl* ~ And yes it'll be a return ticket...if you want it ;-)

 

Today wasn't too bad...The pain seems to finally be subsiding slowly. I do hope it continues to go down...

 

Two knockdowns to go...The BDay next week and then hearing that she's seeing someone....Once those two are out the way there won't be much more to deal with.

 

If it's any consolation dear SweetGirl*, I hope my ex has the same trouble you had today :-)

 

Hugs to you, and look, I bought you some fresh blueberries from the store on the way home x

 

Carus*

[Silverbirch]

Oh Bummer Cards. She is such a messed up person and now she has done THAT.

 

WELL, I bet you are Hot. Her loss.

[Carus]

Who are you referring to SilverBirch*..?

[Carus]

Thanks Bella* Yesterday was ok. Today not so good.

 

I have bad urges to break but I know it won't do any good. I have aways to go yet...

 

Now about those berries...xx

[RayRay63]

Thanks Bella* Yesterday was ok. Today not so good.

 

I have bad urges to break but I know it won't do any good. I have aways to go yet...

 

Now about those berries...xx

 

Hey dude.

 

I got up this morning (a wee bit late, and slightly hungover), had to head off tout suite to do some work stuff...

 

It wasn't till about 6pm, when the day ended and I was putting on some sweat gear to get out and into the fresh air, that I even thought about her.

 

On my way around I stopped in at a car dealership and enquired about ordering a new E series cabriolet (yeah the one with the big engine)- in midnight blue with caramel leather.

 

How the f*** I'm going to pay for that will require more work.

 

I'd call that a 'ken good day bro.

 

If I could somehow give you some of that feel, I would.

 

Stay strong.

[Carus]

If I could somehow give you some of that feel, I would.

Thankyou Ray* ~ Just by posting you are helping me :)

I hear you, I got a little set back too, but from contact....so either way, it's a real crapshoot.

I feel him pulling away again, he's got himself convinced I'm with someone, and why even care??

Oh well. There is nothing I can do , all I want is to be friends without this stupid tension arising.

I dont think it's possible. It was okay until a text from him late Sat nite went unanswered by me until Sun. morning.

Been downhill since.

I'm sorry this has been dragging on SweetGirl*. You say you want friendship but I suspect you still did (or do) have a small hope of getting back together. But I think you need a good 6 months of strict NC to really push past this. Difficult I know if they are the ones who keep opening the door, and difficult to block I know.

 

I didn't have to block my ex in the end as she's wandered off now...Maybe you may have to consider it...?

I'll say to you, do what feels right. If you want to break it, do it. She will answer you. Just dont ask her to get together.

Sometimes it helps with the pain to hear from them. Sometimes it doesn't. You've gone both ways with this, so do what your gut is feeling. Just don't get set back. I don't really see anything wrong in loving someone and sending a text asking how they are. I mean you can't turn off true love. You can detach, but it doesn't just stop. So......whatever you decide to do, I hope it makes you feel better xxxxxxxxxxxx

Yeh I know I could contact her and she would probably answer, but I'm just starting to see small glimpses of sun through the darkness, so I don't want to rush it. Kind of like trying to run on a broken leg before the cast is off, know what I mean...?

 

I've been working on these types of forums for around 8 or 9 years now. If I was a lawyer gathering evidence for and against breaking NC whilst you are still hurting or wanting them back, well, let's just say it would be a very short court case lol

 

So I need to recognize that and just take care of myself for now....God this has been going on for 8 months! No wonder I've almost had enough...almost*

 

Dreading next Tuesday. I'm really torn. One half of me says don't wish her a happy bday. Don't just be one of the masses....even though I guess that's what I am to her now.

 

And the other half says just do it. Try to rise above the pain. She was my wife for G's sake...

 

Why couldn't she have cheated on me or something? At least give me some leverage :-/

 

Anyway, as Broken said, just see how I feel on the day I guess....

 

Sometimes silence says more than words ever could*

 

Love To You x

Carus*

[Morello]

I'm sorry to hear about the suffering some of you are going through. Well, we're all suffering to some extent otherwise we wouldn't probably be here.

 

I can say mine is fading, slowly. I had a few very bad days recently. I had the bad trip of going through my mistakes and how some of my actions led to the break-up. But then when I put everything into perspective, what stays is this: regardless of how attracted and loving they felt about us at some point or even for a long time, it decreased to a level low enough they decided to part ways.

 

We keep thinking how good the good parts were and fantasizing that it would be like that forever. We keep making excuses of external facts operating in why it didn't work but forget the main fact: it just wasn't working for them. There is no point in keeping hope that they regret their decision because that is most likely not the case. The method it was done, respectfully or not, also only matters to some extent. The outcome is what is important:

 

Life is about those who stay. Those who leave are just to that into us, at least not anymore. It's hard to accept but it is what it is. Each of us also had moments to lose affection/respect/love for other people, whether they are family, friends or lovers. We all reject too. It only hurts 10x more when you're on the side of the rejected but there's probably way more learning coming from that side too.

[Mike5]

Morello, I agree with all you say.

 

But I still think depending on circumstances some of us are entitled to feel aggrieved.

 

My ex sat me down, said it was over and literally ran out the door.

 

In 2 minutes my life was shattered, after 8 years of commitment and life-building.

 

I know many say your ex isn't responsible for your feelings but in some ways they are depending on how they handled the break. There are ways of doing it. Some are better than others.

 

But anyway, fundamentally you are right and all we can do is rage impotently on sites like this and hope to eventually heal.

[Morello]

I'm right there with you Mike. Totally agree that we should take all the needed time to grieve and that sometimes dumpers act disrespectfully.

 

What I said was more like shifting the attitude towards acceptance, which is hard to do. Some internal narratives help achieve that more than others. One that doesn't help is dwelling on self-blaming or victimization. We gotta find a balance.

 

Also, I find that the way a person deals with the break up tells much more about the person than about the relationship. I think this is true for dumpers and dumpees. Such as, if someone dumps you in a disrespectful way, it tells more about them being direspectful than the relationship's meaning to them.

[Mike5]

Well, I agree that ultimately we can only cure ourselves.

 

But, I will play devil's advocate a little here.

 

I see a lot of "The dumper has no responsibility" stuff knocking about, but it always strikes me as a bit weird. It's like saying if I drop a concrete block on someone's head the consequences have nothing to do with me.

 

It is the dumper who has wounded you, caused you agony, damaged your life etc. Let's not let them off the hook too easily.

 

In an ideal world, the longer the relationship and the deeper the commitment the dumper should let the dumpee down as gently as possible.

 

But of course the world is not ideal.

 

Around 15 years ago I dumped a girlfriend of five years brutally. The pain and suffering I caused haunts me to this day. I do feel responsible for what I put her through.

 

So I'm not ready to quite leave anyone off the hook.

 

(By the way, if anyone who's been dumped brutally lately, like myself, needs a straw of hope, I crawled back ignominiously to that woman 18 months later, begging for a second chance. She told me I had hurt her too much and that she couldn't risk it again. Quite rightly, I was sent packing. So you never know, the dumper may come back, but hopefully you'll have moved past them by that stage.)

[Carus]

8 Month Mark.

 

So I thought I would do a quick update here at the 8 month mark since D-Day. 8 months since D-Day but 4 weeks since her last contact, and all the rest in between for anyone who's followed this thread....

 

The Upcoming Birthday.

 

As I mentioned in the last few days it's her birthday this Tuesday....To wish her a happy birthday or not?

 

SweetGirl* mentioned above 'do what feels right to me'....but nothing felt either way. I was truly torn...

 

So, today I typed 'Ex birthday' into Youtube. I watched the first 8 videos and the general jist of all of them is no, don't do it...especially if you are still hurting or wanting them back....This one is from Love Advice TV which I don't mind too much. Plus coach Natalie is cute as! lol ~

 

I asked 3 friends, they all said no....

 

I messaged the Shaman and she also has said no...I think she recognizes the toll this has taken on me and said it will only hurt me again....I think she is right.

 

So I guess it's a no at this stage....For me, it will be an exercise in strength, self worth and trying at least to get some power back or control over this situation.

It will also be another exercise in accepting it's over and doing what I can to move on with the rest of my life. I don't wish any of my other ex's Happy BDay. I can't even remember when they are! So sadly, I guess she's in that basket now too....

 

Feel free to add any further arguments for or against wishing her a happy birthday....

 

I Broke NC Today.

 

One of the friends I spoke with today let it slip that my ex had posted a picture on FB of her and some friends up in Bali....

 

For some reason I found myself going on FB and looking at the photos....She's looking very happy and healthy and her life seems to be going great guns.

 

It stung a little bit but not a huge amount. But still, it's never a good thing to do....

 

Healing.

 

Those who have followed this thread and those close to me here have seen how brutal and drawn out this breakup was. I have suffered numerous nervous breakdowns, adrenal system breakdown, psychosis, cardiomyopathy, obsessive thinking, dreams and nightmares, disrupted sleep, the shakes, cold sweats, incredible chest pain and all over body pain and a steel blade firmly wedged in my chest.

 

I have drawn on every resource I could find to drag myself through the dark tunnel like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption.

 

After everything is gone, your ex, your friends, all the reminders, all their cards and presents, etc etc, we can find ourselves hanging onto the pain, not wanting to let it go because that pain becomes the last remaining link between you and that person.

 

And so here, as I enter the eighth month, I am starting to finally get small patches in the day where I feel somewhat normal. Small patches where she is not in my head. Small patches where the pain is almost not there....almost*

 

It gives me some hope that maybe, just maybe, I will get out of this nightmare....and NC is definitely a big part of that once the withdrawals wear off a bit.

 

To everyone who's posted here, I can't thank you enough for your wonderful and empathetic support through what has been the worst and most difficult period in my life. You really have helped to save a life*

 

Let's see what the next few days bring....

 

Wishing you all Peace in your Hearts*

 

Carus*

[Carus]

(By the way, if anyone who's been dumped brutally lately, like myself, needs a straw of hope, I crawled back ignominiously to that woman 18 months later, begging for a second chance. She told me I had hurt her too much and that she couldn't risk it again. Quite rightly, I was sent packing. So you never know, the dumper may come back, but hopefully you'll have moved past them by that stage.)

Yes I've heard of this happening to other people...Care to elaborate Mike* Like how much contact was there and what triggered you to go back?

 

I understand if you'd rather not....

 

Regards

Carus*

[Mikey383]

Carus

 

Buddy... You have survived this long... You will push on :)....

 

Although I still have many questions, that I would like to solve... I am finally at a stage where simply I just don't care...

 

I am keeping myself busy...

 

Busy, busy, busy and it is helping...

 

I am ahead of you, but I feel that the journey is not over yet... I do however see the light....

[Mike5]

Carus, I'm delighted to hear you're feeling a bit better, man. You deserve for the pain to end, as we all do.

 

As for my ignominious past, I was with the girl and then fell for someone else, who was trapped in an unhappy relationship. We had our moment, I thought she would leave her man for me, so I left my poor girl, like a jerk. The one I was infatuated with did not leave her man.

 

I was obsessed with the other woman for about 9 months after, then those feelings faded and were replaced by remorse, regret and horror at what I had thrown away.

 

But by the time I tried to fix it, too late.

 

Lest anyone thinks my current plight is karmic revenge a few years after that I was dumped abruptly by another woman, so as far as I'm concerned it's 2-1 to the Gods:-)

[Carus]

Hi Everyone,

 

It's late here but just wanted to drop this note here. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm numb..

 

I went to visit a good friendgirl of mine tonight who's been right there with me on this journey...one of my care givers if you like. She's a big part of why I'm still alive today. She wanted to confess something to me tonight....

 

She told me that about 4 weeks ago, after the last contact that I had from my exwife, she contacted her on FB and told her that I wasn't doing well and to please not contact me anymore unless it was about reconciliation...

 

She didn't do it aggressively but rather a compassionate plea I guess....Right or wrong she did it out of concern for my well being. I guess also because every time my ex did that and then skipped off again, my friend had to clean up the mess.

 

I was in a bit of a blur so I didn't really take in what she told me my ex's response was but a couple of key points were: "I could tell he wasn't comfortable with the friends thing. I tried for 5 years to heal his heart. I can't give him what he wants...."

 

My friend was worried I would be angry about that....I'm not angry....I bawled my eyes out as I swallowed another spoonful of finality so now I'm just numb and tired.

 

I will say though that because I was trying to follow some sort of Get Your Ex Back plans, and they all pretty much say to act as if your all good with the breakup, even though your clearly not, I began to think that she probably felt that she didn't mean that much to me...Like "Why didn't he beg and plead? Why did he seem to be able to just walk away? Why wasn't he more upset? etc"....

 

What my friend told me tonight makes me come to a bit of peace with that...And it seems it didn't matter anyway. No matter how much I tried to portray that I was ok and doing well, my ex could obviously tell that I wasn't.....

 

She would still not know the depths I'm traversing here though.

 

And although the finality hit me in the face again, it's really something I need to come to accept and focus on healing rather than hoping...Another side effect of the GYEB programs.....

 

The one bit that annoyed me a bit was "I tried for 5 years to heal his heart".....Hey! It wasn't all me ya know...*

 

Anyway, I wanted to write that out so I don't take it to bed with me.

Next to never being with her again, my biggest fear is never getting over her.

This worries me too^^...more not getting over it than getting back with her....I've pretty much come to grips with that, but getting over it? At this stage I'm 50/50....

 

Sometimes my brain tells me I won't....and sometimes it tells me I will....

 

It terrifies me when I read of people still hung up after 2 or more years! Good God, I just won't survive that long...!

 

But I know where my focus needs to be if I'm to have any sort of chance.

 

I wish you all peace in your hearts*

 

Love N Light.

 

Carus*

[Mike5]

Carus,

 

Sorry, brother. That sounds like a tough and draining evening.

 

Perhaps that finality will help in the long run. As you say, you can now try and focus on your healing, tough and all as it is.

 

We're here for you, man.

 

Peace and love,

 

Mike

[wgmitch]

Carus,

 

I have to ask you. Can you see the sun? If so, like me, you have survived yet another night and it's a new day.

 

I want to share something with you. I told my sister this many years ago when she was on the verge of losing it and her drinking had nearly cost her everything. I know this may seem silly as it is from the movie, Castaway.

 

Tom Hanks character is trying desperately to get off the island and no matter what he tries he is unsuccessful at getting past the breakers. He needed something to help him. Do you remember what it was that helped him? It was a piece of a port o potty, port o john, johnny on the spot. Whatever you call it, it was a s*&t house door! A door from a portable s*&t house is what he ended up using as a sail on the raft he built and it got him over the breakers and finally rescued. It had washed a shore and he grabbed it. Stupid, right?

 

No not stupid...

 

You never know what the next wave is going to wash up on your shores to help you get over the breakers, get over the heart ache. Keep looking for that next wave to wash exactly what you need up on your shore. It's coming for you and for me. It always does for good people.

 

My sister is clean and sober 15 years now. She is in a happy and stable relationship, has a good job and a family that loves her.

 

We are all with you my friend.

 

Mitch