Stacks44 Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Thanks Carus. I have to break myself of that desire of wanting her back. She's happy without me, I need to find a way to be the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Thanks Carus. I have to break myself of that desire of wanting her back. She's happy without me, I need to find a way to be the same. It's possible you are hurting more because you know your ex moved on. But the honeymoon period ends for everyone and they find the grass isn't really greener. Every relationship has issues. Just because someone looks happy doesn't mean life is all a bed of roses for them. You're in NJ, a fellow tri-state area poster! You have the Jersey Shore to look forward to pretty soon! I'll be there in July. Think positive! :) I hope you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 29, 2018 Author Share Posted March 29, 2018 Just because someone looks happy doesn't mean life is all a bed of roses for them. Totally agree..and on that note, this came in today after roughly 4 weeks of NC: "Hey you :) Hope you’ve been enjoying meeting your new nephew. Must be pretty spesh. Congratulations to all of you on the littlest newby. I saw that guy with the 'dogs' dad this morning and he said A was staying with you. I hope that turned out a good experience with no dramas! Anyway, I’ve had this pic for a couple of weeks to send to you but Ive been worried to contact you because I don’t know if you want me to or not. It’s a pic of a wave from under the water. I thought it rather magic. I hope you’re doing really well XX" So I replied 2 hours later saying I was doing ok, sent her a couple of pics and said if you want to catch up next week let me know..... No response. And so, to Morello* and anyone else wanting contact from their ex, as you can see, it may not mean anything anyway......or does it? ;-) Continuing on... Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 dare I say it, brother... ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 29, 2018 Author Share Posted March 29, 2018 dare I say it, brother... ;) Oh go on .... Why not? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 dare I say it, brother... ;) No need, I just did! lol But yes say it anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long Gone Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 I'm now 3 months in to NC, and the first month had a reoccurring dream/nightmare of me seeing her with someone else.... I read online that if you wrote down how you wished the dream to go, and suggest the final things you wished to say to your Ex....it would end the reoccurring dreams. This worked for a time and I had no more. Then I had some vivid dreams that really felt real of me seeing the ex again and us talking together. At the moment I have the occasional dream, had one last night....nothing to epic but she was there.....hopefully over time they will fade away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacks44 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Sweetgirl thanks, I do love the shore. I just spent a weekend in Florida for practice. What state are you from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Yeah, unfortunately I agree with Sweets about your ex, Carus. Or maybe I should say fortunately because from what I've read about her she's just too confused to bring you anything positive at this stage. I also think the reason she said she didn't know if you wanted her to contact you is already assuming she doesn't wanna get back, otherwise she wouldn't have said that. And asking for a meet up is not the way to go and she probably thinks that way too due to no response. She can still reply positively about the meeting and we could be completely wrong about her motives so it's up to you whether you wanna follow that up. I'm sure it's much easier for us to talk about your situation and give advice from an outsie perspective. Sweets did the same (caving in) and I'd do the same if I was ever contacted. Didn't hear anything from my ex in the last 6 months now (last contact being two weeks after the BU). I'm again thinking this is probably a blessing. I think about her much less now and when I do, I don't feel sad anymore. Carus, I noticed that you may be using the CW approach, but it can backfire completely in some situations. And I think your situation is one of them. I suggest you to never, ever, ask her to meet up when she throws breadcrumbs at you. If anything, she should be the one to propose that, and I'd still not be sure what her reasons would be. Just act like she's not important anymore. You can reply but in a way that just shows you don't care about her. I know you do, but in a message is easy to act opposite ways. If she ever asks you out, then you can think about it. Cross that bridge when you get there. Otherwise, I'd probably not even respond, or just respond very shortly no trying to follow the conversation up. She's being incredibily selfish in my opinion. She's probably feeling lonely and contacting you to get some validation and it's exactly what she just got. Acting like you care about her got you nowhere... Why not start acting like you don't? Again, I totally understand why you reacted the way you did. It is expected, given you still want her. But perhaps even if you do still want to get back, you may rethink your strategy and start acting completely uninterested. She'd then probably wonder if there's someone else in the picture. Deleting her from social media (if you haven't already) might give a similar vibe. You can even tell her you just wanna move on and that she should only contact if she wants to rekindle. Otherwise, it's 'best wishes'. I think your situation is a hard one to be in but I believe you have what it takes to get out of it. But the thing is, everytime you are starting to heal and slightly moving on she shows up again. If you allow this to happen, you'll be in for a long ride in terms of healing. All the confusion and hope that surfaces from her messages are just setting you back. Do you wanna be one of those people who come here 2 years after a break-up saying they haven't healed yet? You're not getting anything positive from those contacts from her as you are already aware. Why not be proactive and do something about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Morello said: I'm sure it's much easier for us to talk about your situation and give advice from an outside perspective. Sweets did the same (caving in) and I'd do the same if I was ever contacted. Didn't hear anything from my ex in the last 6 months now (last contact being two weeks after the BU). I'm again thinking this is probably a blessing. I think about her much less now and when I do, I don't feel sad anymore. Carus, I had limited contact for a while, until I agreed to meet - at which point I said no to friendship, nicely, and started proper no contact. I suppose that is caving of a sort. If I get any type of communication from her now, its simple - she is with someone else. For all I know she will show him any reply. So no reply. This is easier for me, than you, because we are geographically separated atm. Kia kaha, bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long Gone Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 It stinks to have dreams of an ex because they can feel so real, and then you wake up in such a daze :( I'm sorry. Try refocusing your thoughts before sleep, never about the ex. Think of things that make you happy, like for me it's sunsets and beaches, islands. If I imagine that in my mind before sleep, I'm pretty good. Though the ex occasionally pops up in a dream but we have contact, so when we are texting until 11pm is usually when I'll dream of him. Keep NC it's better, believe me. Mine is deleted. I won't block but I have zero desire to reunite. It's dead, dead, dead. He did enough damage to kill all emotions now lol. I hope you feel better :) Thanks Sweetgirl28 Had a really good night sleep, woke at 7....and with it being a bank holiday here, went back to sleep...think she crept into a dream between then and waking up. I'm fine, just trying to make sure my mind doesn't try to think about her too much today.....yesterday was really positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Sweetgirl, she wanted to meet, not me. I was ready to walk away as soon as she fessed up there was someone else in the picture. She pretty much admitted she was trying to keep me on the backburner in case things didn't work out with the new guy. Needless to say the answer to that was a polite but firm "no" as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted April 24, 2018 Share Posted April 24, 2018 BUMP! :) Just sending good thoughts to everyone at Carus' house. Wondering how everyone is doing. I'm actually struggling a bit. Like everyone says, it's up and downs. I'm functioning normally, being productive at work, hanging out with friends, being active, etc. Been on a few dates but it never seems to work. It's like I'm attracting the wrong kind, at least in terms of timing. Timing was bad for pretty much ALL the women I've dated so far after the ex. The ex herself was a classic case of wrong timing too. A quick summary: 1) The ex. She had just finished a 6 years relationship. Attraction and chemistry were very high but it seems I was just her rebound. I'll never know for sure because she had finished her relationship some time before and she didn't get back with him as far as I know. 2) Met a nice girl a few weeks after breaking up, went on to date a few times and sleep together once. Lots in common, but I didn't feel it for having just broken up with the ex. We're still in touch as friends but never ignited a big attraction at least from my part. 3) An ex who broke up with me 6 years ago came back, begging to come get back together. I'd probably have taken her back at some point in those 6 years but now I'm just not attracted to her anymore. 4) Tinder date. One date only. We kissed at the end of it. Next day she messages me saying she is still not ready to date for having recently broken up. 5) Tinder date. One date only. Good attraction and she said she wanted to see me again. Turns out she got a job in a different city and is on her way there for 6 months. Doesn't look like this is going anywhere. And to be honest, all of those times it didn't work I got pretty sad but not because of them specifically. I always got back to think about my ex. It's like the my ex is breaking up with me again every time these dates dodn't work out. She's all I think about when these flings don't go further. I also think that even though I was her rebound, not having a last conversation after ending in bad terms and having her around at work is making me a bit paranoid. I know closure comes from within but when we don't have that finality aspect, it just takes it a lot longer. The other day I was at my house after work, I was at the balcony, looking down the street. Who I see cycling back from work? Her. I'm not even sure if she saw me and if she did, she probably just saw me staring at her lol. She's like a f-ing ghost. Even when I don't see her, it's like she's around. I think the only way I'll move on from this is if I start dating someone I actually like and that it goes beyond the initial stages. And the more I fail with the new dates the more my mind is telling me I'm gonna be feeling like this forever. I also think (might be wrong) that just talking to her again would remove her 'ghost' status. But she didn't repond to my attempts after the break up and I know it's a huge risk to do it again and not getting a reply - it's been 7 months since the breakup and 5 months since I last trying to contact her. It would probably just make me feel much worse and make her become something like a myth. Like someting between a real person and just an illusion. We all know that in 99,9% of the cases, the dumpee recontacting the dumper just makes the dumpee even more miserable. I am aware of that so I won't do it. God, I think I'm going crazy I don't know why I posted this here, I guess I just wanted to hear from you. It's like there's a bond with you all and that we're going through ups and downs together. I hope you're doing better than I am. I could've just written this to myself, but having you to read it somehow makes me feel more comfortable and safe. Sending good vibes to you all! PS: Carus, I've seen you posting on other topics about meditation. Maybe you could share a bit of your experience on that? I've been going to a feel teachings, I'm not a beginner but it's funny how there are many kinds and I'm still trying to one method that I resonate the most with. Hope you're feeling better my friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted April 24, 2018 Author Share Posted April 24, 2018 Thanks for the bump Morello* ~ I haven't posted here for a while because the last 4 weeks have been extremely brutal and I've hardly been able to function. Plus there's been nothing to report ex wise....although the last time I heard from her I did say I was too busy to meet up. She said perhaps another time...and that was that. I commend you for at least going on dates. Yes the ones that don't work out bring up rejection and thoughts of the last good RS we had, but at least you're trying. I actually met a very nice girl last Saturday night and we got along great, but she's moving away in 2 months dammit.... Both you and SweetGirl give me a little solace in that my ex may have trouble finding a new relationship anytime soon. Certainly one to the depth that we had... It will happen eventually and I will just have to cop that when it does.... As for meditation, yes there are many different types and methods. But the biggest thing with it is dedication...Meditation and Mindfulness can bring some instant respite but it doesn't hold....This is why we need to just incorporate it into our lives and stick to it.... In a last ditch effort I have signed up to the NARP Program by Melanie Tonia Evans..... My ex is not a top level narc but there were things she did both in the relationship and after it which have caused me psychological damage.... Love Bomb....Devalue....Discard. Regardless of that, my reaction to the breakup runs very much in line with that of narcissistic abuse recovery and abandonment recovery, so I am hoping it helps... It's basically some ebooks and guided meditation audios aimed at recovery rather than what happened.... I've only been doing it 3 days now but I think (and pray) that it's helping. Time will tell and I will update on it later.... But perhaps the grieving process is also doing it's thing.... The last 2 days were ok. Today was not so ok.... But on a scale of 0 - 10, (0 being dead), I've gone from a 1 (the living dead) to possibly a 3 (living in a fog)....so I'll take that* It's nice to 'see' you all* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted April 24, 2018 Share Posted April 24, 2018 Thanks for the much needed bump, brother Morello! This is still the "go to" place on the board :) We are all strapped into the same roller-coaster.. I received my latest dose of pointless breadcrumbs just an hour ago (in "Journal"). She knows I have lost all interest, but any contact does still wind me up! Much of what you are saying I feel too.. Honestly, I think I place too much emphasis on the "fancying" aspect.. I feel bad as I was trying to push myself into something else shortly after the break-up, but I just wasn't feeling it (enough). We parted ways for now, but she was, in many ways, exactly what I need, but I can't lie to myself. We are back to friends for now. Being alone with my son, but allowing myself to have some fun, has made me happier in the last few weeks. Even going on holiday next week, for first time abroad with son :) I'm with Sweets on the chemistry aspect... it's just sooo important! Stay strong folks. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 I'm glad you all showed up :) It's comforting to come back here to this thread. It's good that I'm able to date and feel attracted to someone else but in reality, the final outcome has not been good. OLD is a bit of a joke indeed, Sweets. It's the place for the emotionally unavailable, the people with baggage, etc. But it's an easy way to talk to women and find out some common interests. Most of the women I meet out of the OLD arena are from my work context or group of friends. I'm still healing from a break up that is taking much longer exactly because I have to put up with seeing her frequently and having her around. So I guess I wanna avoid that in the near future, therefore OLD is ok for now. I'm just playing the field anyway. I'm amazed by the fact Carus and Sputnik are still getting breadcrumbs. I mean, what do these women have in their heads (not saying it's gender specific though)? It's like exes sense the minimal progress in healing and try to make something to stop it while they live their own lives. Quite selfish. I think you both did the right thing, by blocking or being unavailable to meet up. Sweets is on her way too. I guess my ex never made any attempt to contact also because it probably didn't mean much to her. It hurts but in the long run it makes it easier for me to forget too, or at least not think about ir as something I lost or missed. But I've realised nothing great will come from her. I'll either feel neglected if she enver contacts or feel bad if she does, with breadcrumbs. SO I better pretty much just forget this person exists. Carus, thanks for reminding me that meditation is about effort and practice. I probably need a more define schedule to be able to improve my meditation skills because it's quite helpful to bring easiness to the mind, especially in a moment like this. Anyway, good vibes to you all and hope you feel better everyday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted April 25, 2018 Share Posted April 25, 2018 You see, that's what I don't like about these OLD sites where you have to fill out a huge profile (including things like how much money you make, whether you want short/long term thing, what kind of movies you like, etc). Ok, I get people want to screen candidates before hand, but this is a bit too much. There will be no things to talk about when you meet lol. And it's not spontaneous at all, already given the fact OLD is not very spontaneous in itself. I guess you're making lots of conclusions about a guy (wild card, adventurous, challenging) but you haven't even messaged him yet! People can make these profiles look like whatever they want it to. Anyway, in the end OLD sucks big time hahaha. Maybe we should go back to meeting (or not meeting) good prospects in real life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 here's an update from Lambert... actually a non update.... not much happening with me.... 3 and a half months post bu, no contact, no bread crumbs, a butt dial on my part that was ignored, a few first dates that went nowhere.... feeling bored and lonely. I know bread crumbs are generally bad, but as a dumpee that has been completely left for dead, i wouldn't mind a bread crumb... lol I guess I just never experienced a total dump where there isn't even a "hey, how have you been?" or anything... I'm glad I have not reached out. the butt dial was a weak moment i thought of reaching out. but thought better of it.... although i did call and immediately hang up. i figure he ignored it if I'm still in his contacts but i could have been deleted and he didn't know it was me. I'll never know. and Ive forgiven myself for the mistake. anyone can butt dial.... my bad. i didn't try to explain or apologize to him. i just deleted him so i won't do it again. i think until i meet someone else i will continue to feel this way. the good news is - i miss what was a nice relationship.... i want that again. it doesnt have to be with him. its not specific to him. its a void that i have. truth be told, i realize that even if he were to reach it, it would not be like it was. the trust is gone, replaced with hurt, that really can't be fixed by him. more hurt would certainly follow any high that might come from it. its just sad when i thought things were so good between us. but the truth is there was this past hurt that reared its ugly head for him. he may never recover from it. at least not in the way that i need him, too. a long time ago, a friend talking of another of my bu's said, what you going to do wait 10 years for him to grow? at this point, in ten years I'll be mid 50s! so here I am boring as all heck.... hoping for a miracle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted April 30, 2018 Author Share Posted April 30, 2018 Sorry you're feeling a bit flat dear Lambert* ~ There's no denying it, breadcrumbs or not, breakups just suck hard.... I think you've been incredibly strong. I'm not sure I wouldn't have broken NC had she had not done it over and over...So kudos for that* I'm in month 7 now and only just starting to have tiny good patches here and there...And I would have to say that Breadcrumbs + Hope = Prolonged healing and Pain, Pain, Pain! It's hard to say whether I'd be further along the track now if we hadn't of had all of those interactions as I can't go back and reply the script, it is what it is... But I'm hoping that now that she has finally moved on my real healing may take place...Breadcrumbs have stopped. Hope has 98% gone.... It's been a long road and I still have a long way to go, but today wasn't too bad so I'll take that....I'm thinking to move away at the end of the year to really move past this. Even if just for 12 months. I'll see where I'm at at the time. Take care of yourselves health and sleep... Love and Light* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Sorry you're feeling a bit flat dear Lambert* ~ There's no denying it, breadcrumbs or not, breakups just suck hard.... I think you've been incredibly strong. I'm not sure I wouldn't have broken NC had she had not done it over and over...So kudos for that* I'm in month 7 now and only just starting to have tiny good patches here and there...And I would have to say that Breadcrumbs + Hope = Prolonged healing and Pain, Pain, Pain! It's hard to say whether I'd be further along the track now if we hadn't of had all of those interactions as I can't go back and reply the script, it is what it is... But I'm hoping that now that she has finally moved on my real healing may take place...Breadcrumbs have stopped. Hope has 98% gone.... It's been a long road and I still have a long way to go, but today wasn't too bad so I'll take that....I'm thinking to move away at the end of the year to really move past this. Even if just for 12 months. I'll see where I'm at at the time. Take care of yourselves health and sleep... Love and Light* Carus*thank you dear Carus! funny how usually after an especially dark moment, i have a moment of clarity.... so i share this in hopes it helps.... my focus lately had been how much easier this must be for my ex and how great the good times were but how even if he came back, it would not be what it once was (for me.) then somehow after posting that on this thread i started thinking about what i want.... and it hit me. i want to be with someone I am proud of.... and not proud like he's so hot. but more like this - proud of how he treats me, proud of how he handles difficult things. and if I'm honest, i am not proud of how he treated me. i am not proud of how he handled things. he blindsided me and ghosted me.... d-bag moves for sure. I've been walking around thinking 'look how strong he is. he doing the right thing with the nc' that is totally wrong! he did the easiest thing for him! and come on, people who cut and run are not that hard to find. its not something I value. I'm glad I've been so strong. he doesn't know I've been a wreck... and I'm glad. he doesn't deserve to know..... so here's me moving on... thanks again Carus (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Hey Lambert, You are doing great.. please keep remembering your true value :) We are all so proud of you here. On balance, it's so much better not getting any pointless breadcrumbs! Everyone is here for you Carus.. never forget that. Please don't be a stranger! I am now away for a week.. I hope everyone stays safe, well and continues to heal. Adios amigos S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Hey Lambert, You are doing great.. please keep remembering your true value :) We are all so proud of you here. On balance, it's so much better not getting any pointless breadcrumbs! Everyone is here for you Carus.. never forget that. Please don't be a stranger! I am now away for a week.. I hope everyone stays safe, well and continues to heal. Adios amigos S x thanks sputzy.... true value. I'm tryng. u2. xxoo have a good week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 Lambert, I am 3+ months post bu as well. I did have some early LC - where I rejected the friend-zone- and one breadcrumb after about 10 weeks. The former delayed the onset of real NC, and real healing. The latter set me back. You are better off if you never hear from them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 Ooh, are we all giving updates? Apparently Sweetgirl, have you ever considered that the reason you are not ready to date and explore a new relationship, is that you are prolonging the debris of your old one, because you are in the X friend zone and haven't fully cut the chord? I am worried for you that you "expect him to fade out " - because when he does you are going to be hurt again. Back to the OP: @Carus - sounds to me like you need to cut off all contact, and ignore the breadcrumbs. Move away as you are contemplating. You need to disappear to help yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted May 5, 2018 Author Share Posted May 5, 2018 Dear SweetGirl* ~ Thanks for reaching out on the other thread. I wanted to bring a couple of things here so as not to hijack that other thread from what it was created for: Carus, if you're reading this, in time I hope you maybe can accept her friend zone. I think you might do better if you can create some good feelings there and be okay with just being friends. I think this way is what's going to keep you so stuck, but I might be wrong. It's your life decision, I just good you all find the strength to pull through. I know you can't handle it right now, but try looking to the future. I would say that perhaps down the track, waaayyyy down the track, years, I could accept being friends with her. In fact, as I start to have better days I start thinking maybe I could go have lunch with her and it'll be fine.... But I'm fooling myself....At the moment the pattern seems to be 2-3 extremely painful days, and then 1 ok day.....Until it gets to pretty much every day is ok I would be risking further pain to try and rush it now.... It saddens me that I couldn't have been her friend when she was still reaching out but I still yearned for her and it set me back every time as you know... But she's gone now anyway so I'll just have to continue on. Focus. (((((Hugs))))) to you! If I could take all your pain away, know that I would in a heartbeat. I know, and that is so kind of you....I can tell you though that you really have helped to relieve the pain that I carry just by being so patient and caring for so long now* You have been such an inspiration for people here, know that you are cared for and appreciated. Again, thanks for your kind words....I am widely loved by so many people....But isn't it so ironic that the rejection by that one person overwrites all of that :-/ And Carus, please know your ex loves you. She doesn't want to cause you more pain. Well I don't know about 'love' but she certainly doesn't hate me....But regardless of that, the reality remains the same* In fact, as per the title of this thread, I've had some radical and brutal Dreams and Nightmares for the last 4 days now...Bleh* Anyway, today was an ok day so it's nice to drop a hello to you and everyone here. I look forward to the next one in 2-3 days :) Namaste' Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.