Sobroken Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Sweetgirl, Thank you for responding. I absolutely hear you, when we are the ones that are seen as someone who keeps a smile on their face and tries to stay positive you don't feel like you are free to fall apart when you need to. And that's the hardest. My mom used to always tell me that the reason I was able to handle so much was because I laughed so much. Little did she know the pain behind it. God I miss her so much. I lost her 20 years ago, she was only 52. She was my best friend. 💔😭. As far as wanting to move I believe that if you feel it would give you a new lease on life, do it. Especially if you are physically able to. I would do it if I could. Your daughter will adjust, it will take some time but she may thank you later. ❤️ My injury is permanent. I live in South Texas. I lost my job, insurance and do not qualify for regular ss disability because I was 3 credits short. Don't qualify for SSI because our assets are over 3k as a couple. STUPID STUPID rules and regulations. I'm on 75 mcg Duragesic every 48 hrs but I don't change it that often. I try to suck it up until my body starts to shut down because of the pain. Something went wrong during the surgery and my left leg was affected big time, including my hip. My whole left leg started to get numb and eventually affected my foot as well. My toes started to get numb, slowly one toe at a time. Most of the top of that foot is numb already and because of the nerve damage I have CRPS. It's extremely difficult to wear closed shoes because they compress my foot and makes my pain worse. And now both hips are affected. The pain has been so unbearable going on 2 weeks now. I know something else has to be wrong. I'm deathly scared of anyone mentioning surgery. That was one of the most horrific experiences I've gone through. It left me traumatized so I cannot fathom doing that again. 💔😭💔😭 I've looked up so much information to help myself, plus I have a disabled daughter I need to help. Your kind words mean the world to me. I've even been looking into ketamine treatment. But it's expensive and no insurance pays for it, not that it matters cuz I have no insurance. My health is priority but I'm so alone emotionally and so heartbroken and I just want to have that person in my life that can hold me and say it's ok and we will make it somehow. We are just human and need that. I'm tired and I want to give up, because I want to rest and get relief from this physical and emotional pain. You sound like a wonderful nurse. The people you've taken care of have been blessed. May you find that peace, love, compassion and companionship you so deserve. Thank you once again from the bottom of my heart for responding to my rambling posts. May you have a great day!!💕 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sobroken Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Sweetgirl... Forgot to answer your question... It's not recent... This started in 2011 but had surgery in 2012. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Sweetgirl... Forgot to answer your question... It's not recent... This started in 2011 but had surgery in 2012. I'm really sorry :( being in chronic pain is difficult and when resources are limited it's worse. Until something better is offered, learning to deal with this for now is all you can do. And I know that's a terrible answer, and so unfair, but try to not focus too much on it. Yes, you are disabled, but you're not bed bound, so try to work through it and be out and do as much as you can for now. I forgot how old you are, sorry, but something came to mind. We have senior centers here, age 55 and up, I know it sounds like people age 80 up lol but not here. Anyway, several couples met at this place during activities. Just a suggestion as a way to meet. There are groups offerd(not sure if Texas is the same) that meet twice a month for different reasons, such as spousal loss, illness, friendship group also. It's a way to branch out . Please don't give up. Look into what's around you, and try to join something age appropriate. There are others feeling just like you are. There may even be a support group local for people with your condition. If you isolate yourself and are alone often with your feelings, you'll always feel worse. Getting out, meeting people can be taxing but just finding one person to connect with on some level can be a start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 Hi Everyone* This right here is probably the source of your pain. Hope... The problem is we can't just switch off the hope button, can we. Perhaps you'd be in a better place if she had told you to just move on and that you'd never be together again. That's why I think she's a bit guilty of how you're feeling. She's stringing you along by asking you to have coffee every now and then, and stuff like that. Keeping the flame alive. Yeh this is so true and yes it's hard to just turn off that hope switch...or the love and care switch...at least for me and my situation.... I'm going to return to my default position though of that I won't hear from her again now...at least not for a long time. I know I've said that before but surely I've done enough to trash it now and there has to be a 'last time' eventually right..? ....Right!? lol I promise you though Morello my Brother...IF she does come again I will not be so available....Cordial but not so 'wanting'..... In reality, perhaps you should think why you'd want someone like this in the first place. Ok, you had a nice past, but her current version is not that nice, is it? She could be just clear to you, you gave her chances to do so. It's a hard one for me coz I know she doesn't do it to hurt me etc and I know her life is not all beer and skittles...But I do agree that IF it continues to happen, I need to change my reaction to it....And to be honest, I hope I get at least one more chance ;-) Also, might be a good idea to have a good luck at yourself and ask if you're sad because you miss her or because you feel alone and want to feel that way again (with anyone). Chances are happiness is most likely to show up again when you find someone NEW than if you go back to her. It's a great point....I've been with so many girls I really know how special the connection I had with this one was (which is why I married her) and part of me still believes we could make it work after this period of being apart....But I'm also sure I will find love again with someone else....I'm certainly not going to close myself off or become MGTOW over it* I'm feeling a bit sad today. These dark moments come without notice. It's the 'what if' thing... What if things had been different? But then I go back to acknowledging how acceptance is important for all aspects in life. The more we fight what IS, the more we're in pain. Yes, acceptance does bring a lot of sadness but definitely seems to ease the physical pain a bit coz as you say, the more we struggle and fight against it, the harder it becomes.... Last night I was driving home after having dinner in town with my friend. As we drove past the pub my ex goes to all the time, there she was, sitting at a table with someone... So what did i do? I drove around the block and went past again....and again....sigh* She was just sitting at a table with a girl and two other guys.... The positive out of it is that I didn't really feel any worse or better after that....It was Friday night and I know she'd be out somewhere, and I'm not at all surprised she's at that pub...She's been going there constantly for a few years.... Good to hear from you brother! I too still check in everyday but with nothing to report other then feeling more like myself again piece by piece day by day. I mostly just wanna see how you and the gang are doing. Its funny how we all seem to be in a different place then we were. I no longer have the dark stupid thoughts I used to. NC is doing its thing. If I had to put a percentage on my recovery Id say I am at a 70%. Light years ahead of where I was 30 days ago. Good to hear from you too Makeit* and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better every week.... I'm getting there too....It's a drip, drip, drip every day but it IS going forward... Not melting down as much but those damn memories still flood my mind most of the day.... Morello is right. The hope is def hindering your recovery . And thats just something youll naturally let go of as NC continues. I agree and let my thread serve as a warning to anyone who's hoping to hear from their ex....! The universe will do its thing with us however it is meant to be. Yeh, things will be ok...Despite the pain, so long as we put one foot in front of the other, things will progress.... I do also hope that my thread has shown that it's ok to go through the pain without suppressing or masking it so that you don't end up with what is known as 'Unresolved Grief'..... My dear Carus, Sweetgirl is right, you need to go out. There has to be a good woman out there. You're a good man. And I'm so sorry you still have that steel blade stuck in your chest. But I pray it slides out very soon. Great to hear from you SoNotBroken* ~ I'm glad SweetGirl* has been keeping an eye on you too. I'm sure I'll find someone again eventually as I'm not going to close myself off to the idea but I'm not really in a position to do it right now. I'm still healing and I work 6 nights a week so it's hard to meet someone or go on dates....But I'm hoping to change that a bit once I get some finances back under control. As I mentioned, I lost everything in this breakup and it's a long road back... Hang in there ok. Just get through each hour, each day for now....We are here for you Are you able to do any sort of physiotherapy...? Keep it movin' everyone* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 It's a great point....I've been with so many girls I really know how special the connection I had with this one was (which is why I married her) and part of me still believes we could make it work after this period of being apart....But I'm also sure I will find love again with someone else....I'm certainly not going to close myself off or become MGTOW over it* I'm glad to read your overall response, you seem to be improving quicker now! That's always good. Just about the above: I understand we click more we some people compared to others. I'm not gonna challenge what you said that the connection you felt with this girl was stronger than what you felt with previous relationships. Having said that, I do think we influence this outcome a lot too, ourselves. It takes a certain mindset to feel that way. To be honest, I think that to feel this way about someone is more about us than it is about them. It could be either because we're weak and 'needy' or perhaps very confident and independent, on the other side. I keep challenging the view that there are just a few number of people we can feel this connection with. Some people spend their whole lives without ever having trully felt in love with anyone. Would you think they were just unlucky to never having crossed paths with those few people (or one soulmate) or could it be because the narrative in their heads is one that dissallows them from falling for other people? Something to think about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Carus!!!! Hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! Whatcha doing????? Hope you're okay, love:smug: I want to believe everyone being here less means you're moving forward and beyond. I'm good with everything, hoping to find that right older man who wants commitment and I can end the dating cycle forever lol. Not finding it. This is the one time I wish I was in my twenties again, seemed so much easier lol . I met a really nice man, then he lays it on me about the bad experiences he's had and isn't trusting. Ughhhhhh, another one......buh-bye. Not wasting my time.Catching up Sweetgirl! i think the same thing! Hang in there... big hair, don't care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Well SweetGirl* - I'm glad you're dating again at least. And if it's any consolation, you're showing me that perhaps good men really are hard to find and 'someone' might come to regret their decision one day ;-) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ you have no idea how hard it is! I've said it before, sometimes it takes moving on to someone else to realize what you let walk away. If she realizes it, I hope you find yourself in a position where you also moved on and are happy, and have found new love. Because for all this pain you've been suffering, you deserve to be able to be the one to say "thanks, but I'm happy, take care." I meet a lot of men, I think I find a nice guy, issues. I'm serious the older men get the more baggage they carry. Lbht im not dating a guy in their twenties, lol. I prefer age 40 plus, not over 54,though. Have I limited myself too much? Probably, but younger than that, they seem to want kids, and I'm done. My daughter is too old for me to start over with diapers and all that. I am ready to wake up to someone for the rest of my life, just have to be patient and wait it out. I'm happy you have a good friend there with you. Enjoy the time you have together. Why not go out and hit up some lovely ladies at a bar? Hmmmmmmm??? Lol I'm such a bad influence. But seriously, go out, enjoy a little female attention sweetie. You deserve it. Thanks, but I'm happy. take care. You said a mouthful there. that's something I'm going to remember. even if i eat crap while i say it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 I'm glad to read your overall response, you seem to be improving quicker now! You reckon..? Well I'll take your word for it :) I think that to feel this way about someone is more about us than it is about them. I would say it's a bit of both...as in, they trigger certain things in us that make us feel a certain way.... But yes, in the end it's what's inside us that is creating the feelings that's for sure..... I keep challenging the view that there are just a few number of people we can feel this connection with. Some people spend their whole lives without ever having trully felt in love with anyone. Would you think they were just unlucky to never having crossed paths with those few people (or one soulmate) or could it be because the narrative in their heads is one that dissallows them from falling for other people? Something to think about... Having been in love a number of times I would say the love feels the same but the connections are different...similar but different.... And interesting about the narrative that we tell ourselves.... Without going into too much detail, that's what goes on for my ex....She has difficulty maintaining love and closeness because of what her 'little voice' starts telling her... She wouldn't take my last name in marriage and always had trouble with the word 'husband'.... I do believe I got closer to her heart than just about anybody but that is also why she had to sabotage and end it...Does that make sense? It's unfortunate but hey, what can ya do? :) Another day down here....Hope everyone is doin' ok* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Catching up Sweetgirl! i think the same thing! Hang in there... big hair, don't care! Omg I cringe at some of my big hair days when I find pics! Oh yeah we rocked it though!!! Lmfaoooooooooo I still wanna be 20 again lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 12, 2018 Author Share Posted March 12, 2018 Journal ~ Getting Out The Thoughts* This is no biggie but I just feel I need to write this out to get it out of my head so I can put it here and keep moving. Friday ~ As I was driving home from dinner with my friend I saw her sitting at a table at her local pub with some people. Yesterday ~ A mutual friend took it upon herself to tell me my ex was at an art show on the beach (Thanks for that!). Today ~ She pulled up next to me at the traffic lights...! Goddamn it Morello* ~ Is this what the Universe really wants to do to me...? Needless to say it brought on a short 10 min meltdown....which is ok. They're certainly getting few and far between now. I still carry pain and have the endless thoughts and memories but we're getting there albeit so frustratingly slowly! On another note, I've recently been in contact with an ex from...hmmm....at least 10-12 years ago...She contacted me on FB.... I've heard from her here and there over the years and she is the only ex that I've stayed in any sort of contact with.... After busting my heart she ended up marrying a Danish guy over in Denmark. They have a 2 or 3 year old son..... Unfortunately the marriage has now gone south and he is making things very difficult for her....It really sux.... However, she showed me a little gift I'd given her back in the day and I said "I can't believe you still have that!' And then today she was reminding me of a time I took her to a remote spot on the South Coast where there were some whales hanging out in one of the bays there. We camped there a few days and made love about 50 feet away from these massive creatures that were hugging the shore because of their young ones.... She said that trip was one of the greatest gifts I'd given her...... I would say that if she were in Australia then perhaps I would actually get an ex back after all....That would be a first for me! Still, it made me feel warm knowing that she still had those memories and cherished them so much..... My wife won't come back, but she'll never forget me....We had many, many similar adventures.... Hope everyone is being the best you can be. Keep your face to the sun* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 Break-up bro', Have missed my *Carus fix! "Friday ~ As I was driving home from dinner with my friend I saw her sitting at a table at her local pub with some people. Yesterday ~ A mutual friend took it upon herself to tell me my ex was at an art show on the beach (Thanks for that!). Today ~ She pulled up next to me at the traffic lights...!" - Sorry buddy, they do always say these things happen in 3's.. Hopefully she will leave you alone for a good while ;) unless she has completely regained her senses, that is! The meltdowns will still happen and let them.. I had one the other day, but it was not ex-related! lol As we now know, it is often the ex'es whereby a reconciliation would, in all practicality, be impossible, are the ones that do come running back (eventually!).. "Still, it made me feel warm knowing that she still had those memories and cherished them so much..... My wife won't come back, but she'll never forget me....We had many, many similar adventures...." These are both lovely sentiments. I would never doubt it. You will make happy memories with someone again, hopefully with a "newbie", sooner than you think! "Keep your face to the sun*" - You're kidding right? In good ol' blighty, the sun is currently in it's 11-month hibernation tactic! ;) Hope you sleep soundly my man. Speak soon, no doubt.. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 Just want to write out some thoughts: Another week rolls by....It's been tough. I've had the urge to contact her all week but somehow have stayed strong...and I'm glad about that* She's still camped in my head but the pain seems to be slowly subsiding.... At the end of every shift I have to drive by one street from her house to get home....So I've had to be really strong about that one :-/ Your other ex, ya, that's a lot of hearing about and sightings for one weekend. We start crossing paths for a reason again, or by chance, but maybe it was a reason for you. Yes it's ironic what the brain comes up with..."I'm seeing her a lot. It's a sign she wants to hear from me...etc"......*sigh* Stay Strong everyone. If someone wants to walk out of your life....let. them. go. Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Hi Carus Please don't contact her. By reading other posts here, I find that when people say they're having an urge to contact and having to fight against it, it usually happens rather sooner than later. But you know that it's not the way out. Can you tell me what do you think you'll get out of contacting her? Also, maybe you're finding it tough to move on because you're not having enough opportunities to meet new people. Is that so? If it is, try to think of changes you can make to change that. Why not invite a friend or colleague for a drink on your day off? Or maybe try some online dating. Not for dating per se, but just to go out on dates, talk to women, flirt, etc. You need to get evidence yourself that there are more fish out there in the ocean. Talking about the ocean, did you get to resume surfing again? I'm thinking about going back to it too. Been really inspiring to see the guys and girls on tour, hoping to see them soon at Bells! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Do not contact her! Or I'll be flinging spaghetti at my screen while yelling at you! :) You deserve so much more, hang in there. The less contact, the more healing you will do. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry, but you will make it through this. You have to love yourself enough to say enough is enough, and you went above and beyond in trying, so truly she lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 Thankyou so much ~ I won't break...I'm nowhere near healed and I've learned that from the last couple of times..... Can you tell me what do you think you'll get out of contacting her? The Illusion of Action* There's still that stupid voice in my head that thinks she is missing me but doesn't contact me because I told her not to unless it's about reconciling... That she is a bit down and I could cheer her up... That I could somehow respark something by being around her..... All fantasies I know...In my years on these boards I've never seen it work so why would my situation be any different? And again, I am not healed so I would only be doing myself a massive disservice.... Also, maybe you're finding it tough to move on because you're not having enough opportunities to meet new people. Is that so? If it is, try to think of changes you can make to change that. Why not invite a friend or colleague for a drink on your day off? Yes being social is one of the natural anti-depressants and it's hard when you work six nights a week.... I AM hoping to reduce my roster a little as my financial situation starts to stabilize now (so long as nothing else goes wrong!)..... And sorry to say that whilst my ex still enjoys a big social circle and goes out a lot, most of the people I know are either in their own relationships or have turned away from me as my healing hasn't happened 'instantly' like so many seem to think it should....Even the ones who said they'd stick it out with me or things like "Call me if you need to" and then don't answer their phone or return my calls....(more rejection).... But yes, it's a part of why I'm finding it tough... You need to get evidence yourself that there are more fish out there in the ocean. Oh I know that....Been through so many relationships now I know there is.... Sadly the connection I had with my ex was beyond anything I've experienced and whilst I believe I'll find something different, I do need the poison to drain away a bit more yet* Talking about the ocean, did you get to resume surfing again? I'm thinking about going back to it too. Been really inspiring to see the guys and girls on tour, hoping to see them soon at Bells! Not yet buddy* Again, hoping to free up more time as I go forward. I live on the beach but it is not a surfing beach sadly....Maybe I'll move again at the end of the year when the lease runs out.... I saw a film recently called 'The Big Wave Project'....very inspiring. Not just the size of the waves but the mindset needed to pursue it... Do not contact her! Or I'll be flinging spaghetti at my screen while yelling at you! :) You deserve so much more, hang in there. The less contact, the more healing you will do. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry, but you will make it through this. You have to love yourself enough to say enough is enough, and you went above and beyond in trying, so truly she lost. As always, your words give me strength....Thankyou Darling* It's Friday night...I might wander down into town again for dinner.... Loneliness is a big beast to overcome, but as with everything else, it's a mental battle and I will continue to wage war on that thinking* I just saw a guy with one leg walking along on crutches.....So much to be grateful for* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Hey *Carus, I hope dinner and work went well tonight. "The Illusion of Action*" - soooo damn true.. just an illusion! (as much as I would like to see the flying spaghetti...!) We both know she has to come a calling now.. It would be great if you could nab yourself a little time off, even a night every now and again. Get yourself a good, reliable wing-man and have some fun. Play the game, even if you don't really fancy it. I'm sure you will enjoy yourself, even by accident ;) I guess it's a tough call whether to keep the books balanced and being able to release *sociable Carus a little. Things to look forward to help immensely, remember that. Know that you will never face rejection here and we all cherish you. It's a wonderful gratitude point you have too.. Until tomorrow. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 How's it going, Carus? Yeah, that inside voice that makes us believe things that might (or might not) exist! Well I've already lost hope although I still feel a bit of nostalgia... Like Sputnik said, it's a thing line between saving money and going out there to have some fun, but considering the current state of affair, I'd be more inclined to the latter. Nothing irresponsible of course, but you should treat yourself to more fun times in order to get out of the mess. THose times we're suffering a bit are those we need to treat ourselves to stuff we like. Why not a surf trip? We're not gonna be in this planet forever. I do like some financial planning and stuff but I think you should be able to be a bit more loose now that a few months have passed? Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I "third" what Sputnik and Morello said, get out when you have the opportunity and meet different people. Even if it's just a casual daytime lunch or something with a female, and a date night on your night off. You don't need to jump into anything serious, but it's good to see who's out there :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Thanks Everyone* ~ Unfortunately I need to heal my heart and get control of my mental health before I worry too much about socializing...I am going out on my night off and as of next week I'm going to start taking more nights off as everything stabilizes... My mental condition goes beyond the scope of any forum, getting my ex back or most therapies now, but I'm continuing to source whatever I can to help me through it.... It's a hellova journey now that's for sure... Morello* ~ I'm hoping to get away in May, maybe to Indonesia to surf, so I'll do what I can to make that happen... Still very grateful for the things I do have...I have just helped set up a foundation to help widows and orphans in the Sudan. Due to the warring and the conditions there a lot of the men have been killed....I am a founding member, I sit on the board of directors and we just got legally registered this week... Looking at some photos and the conditions over there makes me wonder how the hell am I even depressed at all..? Still, trauma is trauma and can come to any of us through different means and situations.... Love to everyone here. Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Dearest Carus, That foundation is such a wonderful project to be involved with. Can I follow it's progress anywhere? It speaks volumes about you and really helps put all our respective heartbreaks in perspective I guess.. I understand about the heart healing necessity and the mental health equilibrium finding, but glad you are committing to the nights' off. I hope it helps :) "It's a hellova journey now that's for sure..." - Never a truer word spoken! I hope you managed a peaceful rest. Speak soon. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nina95 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Hi Carus, Just wanted to say I've been silently following your thread from the beginning for many days now (classic lurker :) ), and rooting for your recovery, as well as everyone else's here (Sputnik, SweetGirl, Morello, Makeit, are some of the regular posters that come to mind). I feel like I know you guys already, somehow, after reading your different stories and posts here, I find myself thinking about you all from time to time, and hoping you are better. It's been tremendous help to realize we are truly not alone in this pain, and it'd be even better to know there's light at the end of this dark tunnel through your success. Your videos and reading recommendations have also helped, especially the Healing heart & mouth of the ape channels on youtube. I hope you will push through and recover from this very soon. Your last post really spoke to me tonight as I'm beginning to worry about my mental condition. I feel like I'm all over the place, and I can no longer speak to any family or friends because I'm afraid to break down (i.e. cry), and they'll think I'm going crazy. I know in their minds I should have gotten over this already, or at least should not be crying. I look like death. I can't hide my sadness, even if I don't cry. I dont have a large group of friends, but the few I have, though patient during the first few days, I notice dont want to be around me too much anymore. I'm concerned because yesterday I was doing better, as the day progressed, which was a first for a Sunday. This morning I was a mess, and feeling very ill, weak, my body ached and felt very tense (still now), and was cranky at work too. Maybe I caught a cold, combined with heartbreak and mental anxiety/exhaustion. I was hoping it would get progressively better, but it truly seems like ups and downs, sometimes it feels like being back at square 1 somehow, mostly if I indulge in my "head movies," you know, that constant rumination and wishful thinking. I do wonder how to find that mental health/equilibrium. I've tried being out, but literally anything will remind me of him and us. I can be walking over the bridge to work with beautiful bay views, and remember when we walked together...my head hurts, I'm so tired, I just want to remove every memory. I do not want to make my friends be around me in this state, I'm truly not ready to socialize either as I dont know what will trigger me. And at the same time, the loneliness is quite crushing. Seems like a catch 22 right now but maybe just having a bad day. Now I admire you even more with your finding of a higher cause to give to, focusing on helping other people who are truly in distress out of their control. It puts things into perspective doesn't it. Love to everyone, have a peaceful night or day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Hi Nina, it's great to have your perspective here. I'm sorry about your pain. Carus touched on an important point, saying that regardless of the break up there are still other things that need to be worked on for healing. I know what led us all here was a break up, but what keeps us here (most of us) is how we are not coping with it. It doesn't mean we're mentally ill or anything like that, but it does mean we need to do some soul searching to find the real causes of why we're feeling like this. I can tell that it is not because of the ex him/herself. An ex coming back would not suddenly fix all these issues. It's about attachment, about thinking we will never find someone again, that we depend on a certain person to be happy, all of that. It's all about how we perceive what's going on. That's why we feel great one day and terrible the next. The facts are the same, the situation remains equal, but we can so quickly change our perception about things and start feeling miserable. A therapist would be of great help but there's work we can do ourselves too. That's why I think a break up is a great opportunity to improve ourselves. Without the break-up, we'd still be with our partners, but relying heavily on them for our happiness. Since everything is temporary (including relationships) it is more like a time bomb waiting to explode. So in one way or the other, it's something we have to face sooner or later, that's how I see it. If we are feeling this way after the break up (especially after some time after the normal grieving process), I'd put my money on the fact our relationships weren't that healthy at all and there was some co-dependancy happening. I truly understand what you both mean about the hardship of socialising. But perhaps if you tell your friends and family that you're getting over the break-up but still feel sad about your current life in general, maybe they'll be more inclined to help or just be around you. Make it less about your ex and more about you. The issues you're facing. With friends, just be plain honest that you're not feeling great but would benefit highly from their presence. When with them, avoid at all costs even mentioning the ex, but don't worry about being sad. That's what friends and family are for. Tell them it's just a phase (because it truly is). Try your best to smile and act nice but don't pretend to be happy if you're not. It's ok to be sad! Do stuff for them, buy them gifts, cook for them, anything. Help them with their garden, take their kids out, anything at all. You'll know that by helping them it will make you see your own worth. They'll be grateful and will 'pay' you back with caring. That's why people suggest volunteering. It sounds like a bad idea considering the state of mind you are right now, but once you help people or just socialise with them it makes YOU feel much better about yourself. I experienced that myself once I heard this advice on this forum. My relationship was a 3 months rebound, so you can imagine the rolled eyes I got from friends when mentioning I was still sad because of her. So I made it more about me, that I was just not ok with how my life was but would still like to be around them even if I didn't seem happy at all. It really helped and they were way more open to me. The point is not mentioning the ex. I know it's hard but you gotta do it. Most people, from outsiede, don't understand why we feel so attached to an ex that who rejected us. But they don't know there are other underlying issues that makes us feel that way. Please don't feel like you need to be 100% happy to be able to socialise. You definitely shouldn't force it, but doing it once in a while is good and will make you feel better. Life is out there to be lived but it's hard to see it from inside our bedrooms. Much easier said than done, but sometimes we need to force ourselves a little bit in order to get out of the mess. I'd suggest: Just ask a friend out to watch a movie. Movies are always great to make us think about other things, put things in perspective (especially if it's a good one). You won't need to talk too much with your friend leaving less chances to feel sad and start talking about the ex again. Also, people like being asked to do things. Make them feel valuable too and will help them think of you in a more positive way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pillowsham12 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Been reading this thread off and on for the last 3 months. 3 and half month into a break up 2 months of NC until yesterday when I got an out of the blue happy bday text and all them memories flowed back, thought I was doing well till then. Sigh thanks Carus for this thread has been helpful to say the least. I guess what does not kill you makes you stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Been reading this thread off and on for the last 3 months. 3 and half month into a break up 2 months of NC until yesterday when I got an out of the blue happy bday text and all them memories flowed back, thought I was doing well till then. Sigh thanks Carus for this thread has been helpful to say the least. I guess what does not kill you makes you stronger. See, that's why people should not do that! It should be treated as just another day, because they day is yours, and most often the ex knows if they do that they open up a wound that's trying to heal. I did not contact my ex on his bday, when we started talking again, I said a happy belated birthday. Not rest I would have hurt him by sending it, but I would have hurt myself, and I know too he would have ignored it. We had some bad feelings going on lol. So did you reply? I hope it doesn't set you back too much. I remember your story, she broke up with you. I feel bad for you having mutual friends . It's easier when there's no one in common between you. I was fortunate in that way this last time, and no social media to block either, so I really got lucky! All I had to do was delete him. Happy Belated Birthday!! I hope it was wonderful :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 And, my dear, sweet Carus, what a wonderful thing you've done. Even in your pain you find time to help and benefit others. You're a good man, dont you forget it! Love to you always :) xxx K, I'm shutting up now that's three posts in a row here I'm a thread hog lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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