Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=224140&highlight=Nonchalance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 No update brother? The suspense is killing me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Update...Nada... She never responded to the last msg I sent so I've just carried on and tried not to go backwards too much....I've had to fight it a little but I'm doin' ok... In fact, my caregivers are pretty annoyed at her now and I'm tapping into that a little.... The fine, ok...But why say that other stuff...?? The Shaman said a few things but in general, my ex knows I love her and she loves me too. She can see her coming to me and saying the things I want to hear, but she warned me multiple times to please be careful... She said: "You're not strong enough yet. You think you are because you're better than you were, but you've been hurt deep into your soul and deep down you know your not..." She also said that "You feel this has been going on for too long and that you should be more healed than you are, but when you break it down, it hasn't been that long really. It hasn't even been as long as a pregnancy...!" We both chuckled at that. Nice comparison but she's right.... My eldest stepson tagged me on FB today....I just replied "Miss you Buddy".... So one small issue is I need to get that fine from her....I'm wondering if I should go and see her and get the fine in the process, or whether I should ask her to leave it in her mailbox and I'll swing by and pick it up at some stage....(?) The Shaman (and everyone basically) is right...I think I'm more healed than what I am and I NEED to stay aware of that.... My ex does not want to get back together and I am not ready to just be friends with her either....I would like that one day but it will be a long way in the future.... I did also just want to drop a note on the natural Meds...I think the St Johns Wort is starting to kick in now and I do believe it's helping the pain in my chest go down, along with just the natural course of healing....And the Valerian is still good for getting me down, although I still wake up too early and the mornings are a war to be won... And lastly, on Thursday night when I went to bed my ex was there, spiritually....I tried to tell myself that it's just my brain playing tricks on me but she was there, I could feel her and couldn't shake it.....Then I dreamed about being with a girl, not sure who it was....Then at 10:30am her text came in after 5 weeks of silence.... The last time this happened I saw her the following day too.... I'm very skeptical about all that kinda stuff, but I'm just sayin'...... Today I'm grateful for: A) Water. B) Warmth. C) Wort. I hope everyone is doing ok....I really do. The Shaman is right, I hate this and it wears me down....But I must lean into the storm for a while longer.... Peace Carus* PS: Thanks SilverBirch* for that link. I'm chewing my way through it and there's definitely some golden nuggets in there* :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Hi Carus First thing, I'm sure it feels great to hear from your ex in such a thoughtful message. Most of us don't get that kind of trasnparency. I think this alone will make you feel better even if it doesn't work out in the end. Having said that, I'm afraid you're not ready for this yet. I think you sound a bit to eager and she's probably picking up on that. I mean, she said something like "maybe we should get coffee some time" and you pretty much said "what about right now?". I know there's a fine involved and you do wanna see her but maybe she could have picked up on the urgency and backed off. It's not a mistake, it's just your current state of mind. Trying to fix things ASAP. Also, she replied saying she'd be free by 1pm. Initially you proposed 12 to 2. Why suddenly 1pm is not good enough? Sounded like "if you're not free enough for me, then I'm not free enough for you" kind of thing. Again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you said, just seems a bit that you're still getting affected, which is obviously complete normal. I acted the same way or even more eager in my last interaction with my ex, so there you go... As you know, life is a marathon, not a 100m race. When you start acting more indifferent, I'm almost sure something more relevant will happen between the two of you. Until then, I'm uncertain. And it's not bad at all to start acting indifferent only when you are indeed feeling indifferent. Maybe this will take a bit more time. Don't stress over it. See this message as a small victory, celebrate it with yourself, but keep moving forward. She told you she is still not in a good mind space so it's not the time to try to rekindle. Even if you go for coffee, I'd suggest you don't make any moves, just have coffee, have a light and hopefully fun conversation and leave it at that. Again, time is your friend now, not your enemy anymore. All the best my friend and I'm happy that you got that message showing that she cares about you. It's more than most of us get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 I think your ex and mine are related, lol. Confusing . But......carry on. There was life before them, there's life after them. You do need to get the parking ticket though. I think it's a good idea to tell her to leave it in the mailbox and you'll pick it up. That sort of forces her to either meet up or leave it. I kinda hope for your sake she leaves it because I don't feel you can handle the meetup. I'd hate to see you get set back. You must have had a warm feeling having your stepson tag you. Shows he's thinking of you. In a good way :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 25, 2018 Author Share Posted February 25, 2018 Thanks everyone* ~ You are right, I did not handle the meetup very well..... In response to Morello* ~ Whilst I agree with everything you say, unfortunately I just can't help myself.... I went around to her house to pick up the fine.... We hung out. She got a bit teary. I told her I missed her. We hugged a few times. I gave her a neck and shoulder massage. We took the dogs for a run. I tried to get her into bed but she refused. When I left I gave her a soft kiss on the lips and she reciprocated. There is still so much love there....But she is moving on and I must do all I can to do the same.... Thanks again everyone for the support....I'll probably check in later, but I've just ripped the bandaid off again and now need to deal with that.... Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Ooooh Carus, my goodness. Someone who's moving on doesn't let you touch them. A hug, okay, but massage and a kiss....nope. Now you feel rejected I imagine. But hey, maybe she didn't shave her legs so she refused you! Lol Gotta find some humor here :) Now you have the sting of rejection all over again. I'm going to put a thick bandage wrap over your bandaid so you can't rip it off again lol. Okay, you set yourself back. Welcome to the club. Shall we name it? Tomorrow is a week NC and I feel better now. When that love is there and you miss them, it's just nearly impossible to keep contact. But I have to say that moving on is not a bad thing. Sometimes that what it takes to reunite again. I keep refering back to my first love, but this is why I honestly believe real love doesn't die. It just changes. All these years later he's not gone, it's just distance that keeps us apart. But no matter the reason, when timing is right, real love will find its way back. Have to be patient, accepting, and have the courage to face it. It's also good to be thankful for the time they gave you, letting you share in their life, and find comfort in that. Feel better :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Ahh not much I need to say. Im sure you know it all. Just know we are all here for support. Everything happens the way its supposed to. Keep us updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Mine just reappeared again today. Wasn't gonna reply, broke again dammit. Wants to hang out. Ughhhhh I can't. I want to, but I know it's gonna lead to sex and then what? Sex with an ex can be great because you already know them, and terrible because you might end up never speaking again when it ends. Why share bodily fluids in that case, when we can do that with someone who isn't an ex?? Choices. Consequences. Heart vs mind. True battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 25, 2018 Author Share Posted February 25, 2018 Thanks Makeit* ~ Hope you're pushing on* Ooooh Carus, my goodness. Someone who's moving on doesn't let you touch them. A hug, okay, but massage and a kiss....nope. I understand, but so then....WTH is going on...?? Now you feel rejected I imagine. I feel like a friggin sap! She's done it to me again....She sucked me back in with all that "lonely and vulnerable" BS! I've had it...! This girl does NOT deserve the love I have.... She's gonna suffer for a while and so be it......She doesn't want me back in her life then fine! The house is messy. The kids are going off the rails. She's working a job she hates. She's drinking and trying to carry on like a 25 year old. She is depleting her savings....the list goes on.... But you know what? No longer will I be kept on a leash like a hungry dog! No longer will I want to try and save her from the coming storm! She wants to go out there and find a Man like me that will love her in the way I have? Sure. Go ahead.... Today was the final cut.....I refuse to throw myself under the bus any more.... I am a good Man. I did all I could IN the marriage and after it.....I have no guilt to carry. Yes I'm going through some anger here and that too will pass and the pain will be indescribable.....But I'm getting used to the pain now. Please let my thread serve as a beacon for all those who want contact from their ex....If it's not directly the kind of contact you are seeking then the Hounds of Hell will keep returning to feed on your soul* Back Soon Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Thata boy Carus! Im liking what Im reading! You deserve better! You and I both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 I hope you all can find a way to be happy in whatever situation you find yourselves. With or without the exes! Sending you all good vibes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian4996 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Hi Carus! Just checking in and thought I'd show some support. It sounds like it might be a good thing that you've realised you deserve much better..................I had a similar realisation after the contact with my ex last week, and it's definitely helped me. And yes you're right, you've done everything you could to make things work, so there's no point berating yourself over something (her feelings / behaviour) that you yourself have no control over. I don't really have any advice on your situation with your ex although in general, although I would slow down your text responses. I always think with texting that if you're instantly responding and instantly available to them, it makes them feel like they've got you at their beck and call. Reply 8 hours later / 10 hours later / the following day and it's totally different....................you're projecting 'I'm a busy man. I've got things going on in my life. I'm not just instantly available to you whenever it suits you'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Morning all! Well well, *Carus, things seem to be moving apace. Your ex is not in a good place at the moment. Please, for the love of god, do not allow yourself to be used for her own agenda again. Anything less, than " we will get back together, by doing x, y and z", will only set you back my friend. If/ when you receive contact, come on here first and canvass our thoughts.. the guys here are right, she doesn't deserve an instant response from you. You are a wonderful man and will get through this. Sweets, You know what to do about your guy.. you only need to do it. You are a beautiful person! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 P.S, *Carus, re your most recent update... BANG.ON.THE.MONEY! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Speaking of Dreams and Nightmares the past 3-4 days Ive been dreaming of my ex again? Its been setting me back a bit. This is confusing for me because I was/am making progress over the past 2-3 weeks. Im finding myself dip a lil bit. Not near where I was but still. Thoughts guys? Im at around 2 and a half months NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hello Makeit, That's perfectly normal buddy. It is not a straight line, by any means.. all you can do is keeping moving in the right direction! ;) I had 3 dreams last week... all quite confusing, but generally I am thinking of her less and less. Keep going brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Don't sweat it Makeit* ~ It's just the poison draining away, and as the Great Sputnik* says, it's not linear....unfortunately.... I'm doing ok...The anger is subsiding but I'm desperately trying to hang onto it.... However, IF she ever tries this again I NEED to stay strong and not engage with her anymore.... Part of why I've continued to do this is obviously Hope, but there's also been an element of not wanting to appear weak or not evolved enough to handle it in the eyes of the community... But that cannot be part of the equation now. When they keep coming around like this, they do not want us, they just want to take our power away... THAT is why she didn't just forward my mail. THAT is why she threw in the 'Lonely and Vulnerable' comments. And THAT is what sucks me back in every time..... Perhaps I could have reattracted her if I had of handled these meetups in a different or perhaps better way, but I'm just not healed enough, therefore not strong enough. Everything we're all going through here is damn painful, BUT we are growing stronger day by day, week by week....They are not.... They are healing (or healed) yes...But have they been forced through the fire like we have? No. And that is what grows strength. That is what grows power* As the power shifts they want to come and get some of that from us.... And I just can't do it anymore.... I'm holding steady at pain level 2 and hopefully I won't go backwards too much....I can't take that pain anymore... I would say though that I've already done so much healing that perhaps I won't go down that far again.... I wish us all strength* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 I just had a discussion about fwb with the ex, set some ground rules, then he said he's fine but doesn't want to hurt me. I literally said he can be free to roam, only thing is if he starts seriously dating someone, he tells me, and we cut it off. Or if he has sex elsewhere, we cut it off. Hmm...I'm feeling a bit anxious about this SweetGirl* ~ It's as the Shaman said to me: "You think you're fine because you're better than you were...but deep down you know you're not...." And this weekend shows that once again, she was right....and again I didn't heed her :nightmare: Please really try to think about this SweetGirl*. I hope it works for you if it goes ahead, but I would do anything to protect you from this pain. And ooh, geez your description of her life and kids......she's falling apart. Let her. You don't need to be her savior. She'll be fine..... Carus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Thx guys and yes Carus. I feel a lot of the mouth of the ape videos on Power are relating to your situation right now. Might be good for you to rewatch some. I on the other hand have gotten No contact and Im certain she has completely moved on to her new trashy life. So no worries for me there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 I feel a lot of the mouth of the ape videos on Power are relating to your situation right now. Might be good for you to rewatch some. What do you think I've been doing all day...? lol Wish I had of revisited them before this happened....But even then I probably would have not listened :-/ I on the other hand have gotten No contact and Im certain she has completely moved on to her new trashy life. So no worries for me there. Take it as a blessing....truly* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hey Carus, Glad to see this strength and foresight from you on this. I believe your ex is currently acting in her own interests.. definitely not yours. You are seeing this for what it is and that's important. Yes, many people paper over break-up issues with bouncing onto someone else, or sticking their head in the sand.. your journey is far more authentic and natural, this is why I know you will come out the other side with a beautiful result. I have every faith in you brother. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Speaking of Dreams and Nightmares the past 3-4 days Ive been dreaming of my ex again? Its been setting me back a bit. This is confusing for me because I was/am making progress over the past 2-3 weeks. Im finding myself dip a lil bit. Not near where I was but still. Thoughts guys? Im at around 2 and a half months NC. They say that's when you guys start to miss an ex, near the three month mark. Maybe that's why? Are you thinking of her when you go to sleep? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hi Carus, you seem way more in control of your emotions now than you were maybe two weeks ago, so that's great! It looks like meeting her didn't really set you back that much. Let me provide an alternative opinion about what I read here regarding your ex. Even though I agree she is serving her own needs, this is expected considering she is feeling like she is. She seems to be a mess and her life is a bit out of control. She is feeling alone but doesn't seem to feel she is in a position to offer you the relationship you want. I think she's doing the two of you a favor by not trying to rekindle now. It would just lead to another break up. The way you even sound like you're trying to reconcile to 'save' her from this mess is aligned with that. It's not the time for it. Having said that, it appears she still cares a lot about you and misses you. So she reaches out and asks you out to meet for coffee. Most people don't access this site or read/watch videos about break ups and therefore probably don't know about NC (and the reason for doing it). She doesn't wanna get back now, but she still has feelings for you and want to be in touch. Those are different things. I still think this will end up being about the vibe you give her. Because you're probably not ready yet and emotions are still all over the place, it may be seen that you're still too affected and it makes her back off. I don't think she wants to lead you on or deceive you. Obviously, it's expected you act affected because you still are. Unless you're a great actor, it will be hard to send the 'whatever' vibe. But once you're in that place, she will notice and will remove all the pressure from her shoulders. I'm almost conviced that once you reach that point and she has the opportunity to see it (either by meeting you or phone/message) she will be attracted again, because the feelings are still there. The problem is, when most people reach that stage, they have mostly moved on and it's difficult to go back to where things were, unless there was real work from both parts in becoming better versions of yourselves. You're doing this work but she is not... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Well said, Morello :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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