Dreams and Nightmares*

[Mikey383]

So guys and gals, here I am to tell all of you.......... stay NC. Sure it hurts, but believe me as much as I thought I could handle this, I just had my heart shredded again. My own fault. So he just lost me forever. No more contact.

Here's to all of us, leaving the past where it belongs, and finding partners who WANt to be with us.

Dont let an ex tug your heart strings. Take those strings away from their reach.

Don't worry about lining up the shot glasses, I'm drinking straight out the bottle lol

Tomorrow. New day. New opportunities. I gave him up for Lent, lol

 

Sweets... You are correct...

After my ex walked away the first time I blamed myself, and I was so tough on myself to make it all better... We were in low contact and finally in NC for 3 months... During that time I began to heal while she was prowling dating sites for ego boosts and she even managed to go out with some schmuck that worked a building away from her building... I guess he was pursuing her for a while, when she was still with me... The grass was not so green for her and stupid me, yes stupid me contacted her again because I saw her profile on a dating site... And the reason stupid me went searching was because of my stupid curiousity... And I found her there and got bitter and e-mailed her... Which at that point she saw it as an opportunity to pull me back into her web of BS.... I thought that things would work out and put more effort to keep things together, while she was just using me as a space filler, or until something better came along... So for 3 more months she abused me... And boom, I was discarded again... Moral is: Stay NO CONTACT for good... Don't let them tug on you like that... Don't let them play with your heart and your emotions... Now that I am months down the road, there is no Fnnnn way I will let her back into my life again... Ever!!!!!.... So, Sweets is correct... Got to put them behind....

[Makeit]

Right there with you Mikey!

[Carus]

"She was a great wife and now she's the perfect ex :)"

 

I like it.. you should get these memoirs published one day brother ;)

It's all here in this thread Brother*, and it's had over 20,000 views now!

I'm glad I found this place and you all to get through though. Thank you.

This place would not be the same without you mi amorez*

Moral is: Stay NO CONTACT for good... Don't let them tug on you like that... Don't let them play with your heart and your emotions... Now that I am months down the road, there is no Fnnnn way I will let her back into my life again... Ever!!!!!.... So, Sweets is correct... Got to put them behind....

In my moments of anger (or strength?) I feel I don't want to ever see my ex again for what she's done...That may sound a bit ego based and perhaps its is, but I did all I could to build a life and a relationship that most people would love to have....and she threw it all away....and yes that annoys me....

 

I wish I could fast forward to the end of this painful process but as we know, it's a slow grind and it's important to accept that at this stage.

 

Well, we all made it through xmas, new year and valentines day..... Some years ago today I walked barefoot along the sand of a beach on a warm summers evening and married the girl I thought was going to stand by me for the rest of our days...There were over 250 people there to give their blessing and she had made her own wedding dress....and today is my first sweep by the anniversary....

 

The 'firsts' are usually the worst and I expect this to be the same...as in, by this time next year I may not even remember the date....

 

The pain level is steady at 2 and I haven't cried for three days now. Progress but I know it's coming....

 

That's ok. So long as I get more days in between I will get there eventually.....

 

Tonight at work I picked up a couple from the airport who had flown in from the UK. They have come for a week because their daughters marriage of 12 years and two young kids has broken down and they've come for support....

 

So most of us have been going through it for a while but every day there are people who are just now stepping into the fire. I feel for them.

 

Today I am grateful for:

1) YouTube.

2) Business going ok.

3) I have a roof over my head.

4) My ENA family.

 

Hope you all get a good sleep tonight.

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

Firstly, to hit over 20,000 views in approximately 3 months is just staggering.. it's a testament to this wonderful forum, but more specifically, your journey, beautifully and so honestly articulated. Very proud of you and also for allowing me to play even a minor role in it, my break-up brother!

 

You have done so well to get through today's "anniversary" relatively unscathed. The good news is that the first one is bound to be the most difficult and now it is out of the way. The rest will be plain sailing, right? ;)

 

"In my moments of anger (or strength?) I feel I don't want to ever see my ex again for what she's done".

 

- To be honest, I think nearly all of us can say that feeling has more than just crossed our minds too...

 

"I wish I could fast forward to the end of this painful process but as we know, it's a slow grind and it's important to accept that at this stage".

 

- Yes, strapped in for the long haul, but it will damned worth it in the end!

 

"Well, we all made it through xmas, new year and valentines day....."

 

That is indeed very true.. I think many people will have surprised even themselves if they didn't directly reach out on any of those 3 potentially explosive dates (*pats himself on back and sips his tea...lol)

 

3 tear-free days on the bounce is progress..but when it comes, let it come

 

I can definitely sense you have perked this week.. I reckon Sweets can take at least some of the credit! ;p

 

"Today I am grateful for:

1) YouTube.

2) Business going ok.

3) I have a roof over my head.

4) My ENA family."

 

^Absolutely love it^

 

Sleep well friend.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Aww Carus! (((Hugs)))

Sounds like the anger mixed with a bit of strength causing those feelings. And they are good to have. Those feelings help you move forward. Even though no one likes to be angry, but it's not the worst emotion to feel. Sadness, loneliness...those are bad :( Glad your pain level is down. Keep pushing on. I hope by this time next year you are happily involved with a new interest. And hey, the fact alone that you and I both found ourselves attracted to others is telling. Even though they bombed, so what. It proves we came that far in healing to feel it. We just had temporary setbacks, not permanent :)

[Makeit]

Im liking the anger Carus. Thats what Im at now. My Ex has went from a classy catch with a head on her shoulders to a trashy follower. F Her.

[dave4443]

Anger is definitely the best emotion after a breakup. for me it was anyway it stopped me crying on those long days haha. Well done for not crying for a few days though! Sounds weird to say that to someone... I remember counting the days like that saying I haven't cried in 3 days... and eventually I forgot how long it had been since I cried, that was a great moment.

 

I have my ex on Instagram now since she had always followed me and even though she hadn't liked anything since we broke up she did like the picture of me and the new girl I'm dating which was strange, so I let curiosity get the better of me and followed her back but, it's easy now. I just looked at her pictures of her and her new guy and thought it was nice she is happy too, I still care for her in the sense that she was a big part of my life and I don't wish her ill anymore.... believe me I did for a while.

 

At least you're on your way to healing I'm sure you'll be there quicker than I was!

[Carus]

At least you're on your way to healing I'm sure you'll be there quicker than I was!

Thanks as always Dave for your kindness and support....

 

I'm not sure how long it took you but I am still DEEPLY wounded and it hurts like hell...

 

This is going to take me an age. I just have to hang in there...

 

And I just want you all to know how much I appreciate all the support and empathy shown in this thread!

 

Halfway through this day. I'm not thinking about it too much, at least trying not to....

 

This will also pass*

 

Carus*

[Ian4996]

Aww, I'm sorry :( I didn't have him on a pedestal, but I do have an attachment to him because he was good to me until the very end and we went through a lot with my psycho stalker ex so he was my safety and I won't forget that. But he needs to be left behind me because I'm making it fine minus him so why even bother?

What got me was the "but he hasn't committed " part of his reply regarding his friend. That was his way of keeping me hanging on to hope.

I'm a lot of things, but dumb isn't one of them lol. If that was not his motive, he would have said "I'll let you know soon" or "let's do something else".

What happened with your ex? Why are you still in contact?

 

Thanks. We have been still in contact as friends for now and I had been hoping that this would lead to us getting back once she had a bit more time and was less stressed out with work etc. But I've come to realise that her 'not having time' is actually a case of 'not prepared to make time', which are obviously 2 very different things!

[Carus]

Journal ~ The Never Ending Breakup*

We have been still in contact as friends for now and I had been hoping that this would lead to us getting back once she had a bit more time and was less stressed out with work etc.

I was about to give Ian* the customary warning about using the Friendzone as a means to getting back together....and that warning still stands*

 

And then ~ 10:30am ~ Incoming (from my exwife):

"Hey :) How have you been? I haven't been in touch cos I haven't been in the best space, bit down and lonely so not feeling very strong. Nothing serious just a little vulnerable! Hope you've been good and life's going smoothly. If you wanna get a coffee some time let me know. I have a parking fine here for you BTW, which I'm sure you're keen to get lol"

 

I was a bit taken aback, but replied "Hey! It's nice to hear from you (except the parking fine). 😼Are you free at 12 til 2? I'll take you somewhere special...Let me know otherwise we could hang out later tonight ¥"

 

She writes back: "I'm actually just about to do my rounds at work... I'll let you know if I'm finished by 1.... depends if I get through the front doors!"

 

So I just said "Use a forklift..? 😝 (

 

So it seems something is still going on....(?)

 

I mean, she knows my PO Box number. She could just forward any mail for me there....

 

I'm just trying to get on with my day and I totally need to stay on top of my emotions and mindset....I do NOT want to go backwards yet again....

 

I'll let you know if anything further happens....

 

Hope on a Rope....sigh*

 

Carus*

[11moreweeks]

Man, what a brutal text to get, Carus. I can't imagine what you're going through from that. Definitely doesn't seem like something I could engage in while still in the non-final stages of healing.

 

The fear of getting breadcrumbs like that makes me want to block my ex, but I also don't want to be that way..

 

A friend of mine told me something I found useful: "She [my ex] is going to text you about once a month for the rest of your life [or until she's married.]" She shared a connection with me that, at least on her end, had no reason to be broken; however, she does not want reconciliation nor a relationship with me at all. She's hardwired to send me messages occasionally but I have every reason to think she has totally closed the door for anything.

 

It might help to just look at your ex's texts/behaviors as almost programmed into her because of her past with you rather than as something indicative of any future dynamic. Only very direct communication indicates something more.

[sputnik123]

My brother Carus,

 

I feared/ thought/prayed this would happen. I really can't decide any more!

 

It seems like every time you reach a mindset of attempting to truly moving on, she reaches out, to pull you back in.

 

If you do meet up, I advise you to be as straight up and honest as possible. What you would like to happen and what her thoughts on it are.

No potential reconciliation should now mean no contact from then.

 

You need to do this for you my friend.

 

Thinking of you. We are all here for you, come what may.

 

Sending you strength.

 

S x

[Carus]

Thanks guys. Yeh Sputnik* Be careful what you pray for lol

 

Seems she's run off again anyway.

 

I feel like I was maybe a bit too forward in say 12-2 today but I know she would really like Sound Healing. It's something we should have done long ago instead of couples counseling :-/

 

But the top coaches, who I follow quite rigorously, say, if you do hear from them, assume they want to see you and try and facilitate that... Strike while the iron's hot kinda thing.

 

The Shaman lady, who I've just seen again, also feels I did nothing wrong.... But she also warns me to still be very cautious as I'm not quite healed enough....

 

Anyway, it does show me that I'm still in her heart in some capacity*

 

It's like turning a really big ship in a very small canal :-/

 

Carrying On....

 

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

Carus!!!! I told you she wasn't gone or in a good place with herself! Lol

 

Wait....why do you think she ran off again? She didn't. She invited you to meet up without

specifics. No one does that unless they want to see you. The parking fine to hand you is her perfect excuse

without putting her heart on the line. I've done that before to return something to an ex and secretly wanted back that I dumped but I never said a word lol. And years later we are still good friends who would be together if not for the fact we're on opposite ends of the US so........ It wasn't breadcrumbs.

But....... Hang in there, think about really meeting up because you don't want to feel like you did again after

the last one, especially when you're not healed. Take care of you :)

[sputnik123]

hey guys,

 

I understand that the parking fine is just breadcrumbs.. I really don't get this bit;

 

"I haven't been in touch cos I haven't been in the best space, bit down and lonely so not feeling very strong. Nothing serious just a little vulnerable!"

 

So she could only be in touch if in a happier place, but she then openly admits to messaging whilst still vulnerable.

 

Something else is at play here...

 

*please proceed with upmost caution*.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

hey guys,

 

I understand that the parking fine is just breadcrumbs.. I really don't get this bit;

 

"I haven't been in touch cos I haven't been in the best space, bit down and lonely so not feeling very strong. Nothing serious just a little vulnerable!"

 

So she could only be in touch if in a happier place, but she then openly admits to messaging whilst still vulnerable.

 

Something else is at play here...

 

*please proceed with upmost caution*.

 

S x

 

What I think, and I might be wrong, is that she's depressed and when someone is depressed it not easy to text, call,

talk to anyone that you don't have to outside of your daily routine. And she's dealing with her own bag of mixed

emotions, so reaching out to Carus might make her feel she's in a tough spot because she's not emotionally stable.

Same reason why he can't reach out to her. It hurts. Just my two cents lol I'll shut up now :)

 

Edit to say: don't meet up, or if you do, keep it short and keep your emotions and feelings within yourself.

Don't put your heart back on the line, she knows how you feel already. Protect yourself.

You don't need a further setback. Let her talk if she wants, and open up, but do more listening than talking.

[Carus]

Carus!!!! I told you she wasn't gone or in a good place with herself!

Heh...Yes you got that one...My own online Shaman* ;-)

Wait....why do you think she ran off again?

I guess because it's 8:30pm now and she never responded to that last text....I also guess I had some expectation that we would meet up today...but I guess not, and that's fine...

 

In fact, the Shaman and all of you are advocating caution, and I am listening for sure...so it's probably good that she's gone again now for however long...

 

No I'm not healed and do not want to go backwards*

She invited you to meet up without specifics. No one does that unless they want to see you.

I understand and applying patience here....

The parking fine to hand you is her perfect excuse without putting her heart on the line.

Agree...This though is what Craig Kenneth would call the 'Indirect/Direct' approach....

I've done that before to return something to an ex and secretly wanted back that I dumped but I never said a word lol. And years later we are still good friends who would be together if not for the fact we're on opposite ends of the US so........ It wasn't breadcrumbs.

You little minx...lol

 

But sure, if it is breadcrumbs, they're pretty big breadcrumbs...and perhaps they're only breadcrumbs if I see it that way...

 

Maybe it is something more and a bit more time will tell....

Hang in there, think about really meeting up because you don't want to feel like you did again after

the last one, especially when you're not healed. Take care of you :)

Most definitely! I know I've got some hard times to get through yet but so long as the floor keeps rising a bit then eventually I'll be on the roof again*

 

I'm not sure what will happen here but I believe the best thing to do is just carry on, not go blowing up her phone etc...I know that much at least. I'd also have Dave, Mikey, Makeit and Morello beating me over the head if I did! :) lol

 

This is what the pain of NC does...It builds strength in us....and to forge steel, one must apply fire*

I understand that the parking fine is just breadcrumbs.. I really don't get this bit;

 

"I haven't been in touch cos I haven't been in the best space, bit down and lonely so not feeling very strong. Nothing serious just a little vulnerable!"

Yes, not sure why she had to throw that in...but she's a very honest girl especially with me, so she's being honest there...

 

The Shaman put forth it's because I'm the one person she can be herself with....vulnerable....

 

But it also played into my expectation that she wanted to see me today....and perhaps she would have if I had of been free at 1pm, but I wasn't....so we'll have to wait I guess....

So she could only be in touch if in a happier place, but she then openly admits to messaging whilst still vulnerable.

 

Something else is at play here...

Well I would say she was missing me...in that moment....

 

Maybe not so much now, 10 hours later...lol

 

Something else is at play....What that 'something' is I couldn't tell you....

 

I feel she's so close but there's still something blocking her......I'll leave it there for now I guess. Maybe she's wanting me to put in some sort of effort...

 

And I would if things were a bit clearer...but she hasn't given me enough yet to do that...Like 11* said above, the communication from her needs to be more decisive....

 

It's Friday night...who knows what she's doing and I don't want to be the schmucko sending her texts etc while she's down the pub boozing it up with her mates and flirting with guys....*

*please proceed with upmost caution*.

I'm willing to just keep walking my friend....

 

Thing is, I need to get that fine off her....

 

One thought is that if I don't hear from her til Monday, I'll just text her and ask her to leave it out somewhere so I can pick it up....

 

Thanks Again....

 

Carus*

[Carus]

What I think, and I might be wrong, is that she's depressed and when someone is depressed it not easy to text, call,

talk to anyone that you don't have to outside of your daily routine. And she's dealing with her own bag of mixed

emotions, so reaching out to Carus might make her feel she's in a tough spot because she's not emotionally stable.

Same reason why he can't reach out to her. It hurts. Just my two cents lol I'll shut up now :)

It's a valid point...I don't think I chased her away too much did I...?

 

I'm just trying to draw on my vast experience in this field and think about the hundreds of posts I've read and it all points to just letting her come to me at her own pace....

 

If contacting me puts her in a tough spot then why do it.....?

 

I also believe that to reattract her I need to be doing that face to face, not over the phone....so the less time on the phone, the better. Agree?

 

If I do meet up with her yes, I would keep it pretty much exactly as you said above^^

 

Love You SG* x

 

Carus*

[Carus]

Carus, you sweet man.....listen to meeeee!!!!

Don't text her now, she'll get in contact. Your times of meeting up didn't work, that might be a blessing in disguise.

But you know she's having thoughts of you. Be patient. If she goes silent now, it's just her heart battling with her mind.

Trust me on this, I'm a chick!! Lol

I hear you Darlinga*....I'm glad you posted that though because I agree that she needs to come to me a bit more, at her own pace....

 

Bloody slow pace though! lol

 

But this is ok. It's teaching me patience and resilience and that is definitely needed......

 

Like I said, I feel she's close, and I think you do too....Just still something needs to give....and I agree that it's all happening inside of her. Nothing needs doing from me right now.....

 

In fact, perhaps we are all seeing here the power of NC....(?)

 

Outside of all this, I went to Sound Healing today. God it's good....It's really a big part of my healing now....AND, I met a hottie...!

 

Damn Universe though....She's going back to the UK on Wednesday... :nightmare:

 

She said her sister lives here and she wants to come back though, so she took my phone, looked herself up on my FB and sent herself a friend request from me...lol

 

It's nice but there's still something going on with my ex....but she better not leave it too long....*

 

The best thing about Sound Healing is it gives me a least an hour of pain relief as the chest pain does go down during it.

 

I'm also interviewing potential flatmates...I would rather live by myself (or go home to my wife), but the rent's killing me*

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Carus!

 

I love you man.

 

Let her come to you now.. and when she does (she will, soon).. please, for your own peace of mind, sanity and welfare, be explicit about what you want from her. If it's not the same as you, then cut her adrift! This is make or break buddy..I would hate for you to be in the same place in 6 months time.. you don't deserve it. In the meantime, keep going about your business, be yourself and know that the world will sort it for you.

 

Where in the U.K is this female heading? ;)

 

You and *Sweets would make the ultimate couple.. such a shame about the thousands upon thousands of miles of distances! lol

 

NC is great for so many reasons.. but boy it can be unbelievably tough!

 

I'll pop by for that interview shortly.. i'm pretty sure i'm under-qualified though (wrong gender) ;p

 

I hope work goes OK.

 

Ever forwards my man.

 

S x

[Carus]

Journal ~ The One Thing*

 

One more quick note before bed...Man what a day!

I feel she's so close but there's still something blocking her......

After reading your posts here, meeting with the Shaman, talking with my caregivers tonight, and all I've seen in the breakup field, this is what I feel:

 

She is still missing me and has moments of questioning the way things are...and possibly touches on maybe there's a chance to start afresh...

 

However, the one thing that's blocking her is the past....

 

She cannot let go of past events and she's been trying for quite a while....like before we even separated...

 

I believe that is the biggest thing, if not the only thing, that is stopping this relationship being repaired....

 

Personally I have changed...quite a bit, through all this and that gives me a belief that it could work even though she may not have as much....

 

But she knows she has to and perhaps she is still trying for whatever reason.....

 

Anyway, I do hope she can do it....

 

In the meantime....>>>

 

zzzzzz

[Makeit]

Ahhh buddy. I dont know what to say here! I know exactly how youre feeling. Trying to play it cool. Trying to make it as if this isnt as much of a mind F as it really is. I tend to agree with sputnick here. I also think you need to play this off as youre a bit indifferent to whats going on. Because honestly you should be! A lot of risky business in her text, red flags, false motives could be at play.

 

Like Corey wayne would say you act on her contact and then walk away and never look back if she doesnt react. It is important that you dont come running back like a dog to her owner. Show some indifference in your feeligs if anymore contact comes about which I am sure there will be.

 

Not gonna say much more at this time as UNLIKE her. I dont want to put anymore ideas or posibilities in your head because I truely do not know which one of the several reasons why she contacted you shes feeling. Some good and some bad. I will give my opinion based on what happens from here on when I feel like I have a good idea.

 

Be strong my friend! I know youre feeling like a lil weight has been lifted off. And even tho youre trying to tell yourself youre in the same stage of healing you were yesterday youre not. This has thrown a wrench into things.

 

Waiting to see how this unfolds.

[Makeit]

Oh and one more thing I know for sure. Your NC since the last time you spoke has DEF got her to respond. NC is a beautiful thing. Now If my ex tries to contact me from it shes not gonna get a offer for sound healing. Shes gonna get a sound go F yourself!

[sputnik123]

"Shes gonna get a sound go F yourself!"

 

You win the internet today, brother *Makeit ;)

 

Hope you have good weekend plans buddy!

[Silverbirch]

Hey Carus, do you remember that great thread here that carried over for years on Nonchalance. It was my favourite and wonder if you might get some help from it. Important thing is that you have to be real about the nonchalance and not just faking it to get them back. I suppose it's about taking care of your own emotions and not ovrr-invrsting in others. See if I can find.