Silverbirch Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 yes, I think I really need to do this until I'm right where I want to be as far as taking care of myself. I'm sure I would have made better choices and left unhealthy relationships much sooner, picked myself up and got on with it it. ATM, I'm not fully employed though I love my job and I'm doing better than a lot of people in the region where I live. I know that I need to focus on getting my job and money situation better before I get involved again, andI will want someone with the same outlook as me. I know there are several men in the town interested in me, but most if them drink too much and their exes kicked them out for their BS. Another guy who was interested, a wealthy man and very charming and intelligent - he's a notorious womaniser, and now I consider him a bit of a pest when I have to deal with him through business from time to time. Anither guy has a serious hoarding problem - and told me if I had counselling I would realuse AI want to be with him. Yikes, being single and unattached is iften better than the alternatives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 At 36 Im finding it hard to find the energy to even get in a new relationship. I think that is the most depressing thing of all. Putting my last hopes and energy in my last relationship. Thinking maybe it would be the one after almost 4 years. And here I am single again. Not getting any younger. Not feeling any younger. Seems like just yesterday I was in my 20’s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Well Makeit. I've got a few years on you and I can't tell you how much I wish I could be 36 again. I had my heart ripped out a couple of times in my 30s and after saying 'Never again!', I got married at 42..... Still, you and I share the same heartbreak...the same pain. A pain that transcends age,race or sex. We feel abandoned and rejected. We feel lonely. Yet right now, there's not much we can do about it except all the things that are recommended. We have no choice. Our hands are tied and our path has been set by someone else. So I have little doubt that I'll find love again in time and even smaller doubt that at 36, you will too. We just gotta get through this first bit.... Be patient with yourself ok* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Ever forward, my friend. I like your optimism and this is the right mindset to allow good things to happen in your life. We are a reflection of what we thing will happen and what we think we deserve. Keep that mindset and you will go through this storm before you know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 At 36 Im finding it hard to find the energy to even get in a new relationship. I think that is the most depressing thing of all. Putting my last hopes and energy in my last relationship. Thinking maybe it would be the one after almost 4 years. And here I am single again. Not getting any younger. Not feeling any younger. Seems like just yesterday I was in my 20’s. You're only as old as you feel! And by no means are you old. Neither is Carus. Now 80, that can be considered old Lol! When you're not looking, someone will catch your eye. It has a lot to do with the right timing I believe. It's not time, because you're not healed. The best things can happen when least expected. I wasn't looking when I met my last ex and I wasn't looking when I met my first love either, and those are the two I held the most love for. The others, when I look back, I was looking. And those relationships were nowhere near emotionally involved as the other two. Be patient, love yourself, be okay alone, and someone great will cross your path:smug: I'm looking now and turning then down left and right so I will take my own advice and will stop looking too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 You guys are right. I too am going to stop looking. All my best relationships just happened as well. I am def not over my ex after only a lil over a month. Even tho shes completely forgot about me and is dating. As usual I guess I was the one who cared more. People change. Guess its time for me to do the same and rebuild. Also Carus. You got me hooked on coconut water...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Hi Everyone...Quick update before sleep... Ever forward, my friend. I like your optimism and this is the right mindset to allow good things to happen in your life. We are a reflection of what we thing will happen and what we think we deserve. Keep that mindset and you will go through this storm before you know it. Thanks as always Morello* ~ I've always been very happy and optimistic and that is a big part of why I HATE heartbreak. It strips me of all that....But this too shall pass* I'm looking now and turning then down left and right so I will take my own advice and will stop looking too. My Dear SweetGirl* I would not be at all surprised if the whole of Italy was chasing you down :) Thanks for your positivity. It's like a torch in this darkness* Also Carus. You got me hooked on coconut water...... Well that's better than vodka ;-) But yes, that's all I drink. Bottled water, coconut water....and a couple of coffees through the day. I also have a cup of camomile tea before bed at night. As usual I guess I was the one who cared more. People change. Guess its time for me to do the same and rebuild. You and me both Brother* ~ And the time to do the same and rebuild has already begun.... It's a slow process....Like turning a massive ship in a very narrow channel* Journal ~ Still Breathing* Bit of a weird day today emotionally. I went up, then down, then up, then down...and now steady at Pain Level 2...my default level :-/ But at least there's some up in there! It gives me hope that this too actually will pass* The Valerian is working wonders and I'm very glad to be on a more natural product than the pharmas.... Mornings are still the worst part of the day though. I'm still waking up too early but am going to try and get up fairly straight away and pray each day to the Universe to help me get better.... I'm grateful that I'm still here* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Coconut water??? Nah!!! Vodka. Vodka is life!!! Lol I'm kidding. Sweet dreams, peaceful sleep, and (((warm fuzzy hugs)))) to you darling. One day at a time:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Sunday evening.. probably my least favourite part of the week! lol I am rather partial to a vodka offering, so I couldn't possibly comment ;) I tend to be a coffee junkie though these days. Rebuilding does provide us with a wonderful opportunity to become an even better version of ourselves, as you know. Sometimes I feel twice the person I was 4 months ago.. Yes, the pain is pretty much still there on a daily basis, but it won't defeat me. Just like this won't defeat you. I acknowledge that "pain yo-yo" you are playing with at the moment. Try to keep your focus on everything good you have in your life and the people who are in it with you, showing you they care. In the last 4 months, I have managed to really streamline, but vastly strengthen, my support network. Your split was less acrimonious than mine, so your friends network probably didn't need the same level of spring cleaning than mine did! lol Is work still going well? I fully agree, our Sweets could simply take her pick! ;P Very glad that the V is working.. whatever it takes buddy :) Please go for a run or a swim after that morning prayer, it will work *wonders. Ever forwards brother. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Hi Carus! Dropping by to say hello!!!! Hope you're having a good day. I'm so jealous you have the beach right outside your door! Sending you hugs xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 Hi All, I really appreciate the well wishes. I'm still a bit up and down but hanging in there. I've also been super busy which is good and bad. I will give more of an update when I'm a bit better and as soon as I get a moment. I hope you're all putting in some good building blocks* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Love you both, brother and sister! :) x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Love you both, brother and sister! :) x MUAH Xxxxoooo:love-struck: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Great to see everyone around :) I'm currently entertaining the feeling of "everything else in my life is great except for not having her". It's a tough one... Like Carus said, sometimes we think how things would be if they could see the changes we made. I can honestly say that I had never made so big changes in my life like I did since this more recent break up. I feel more confident, healthy and in a better state of mind overall than I was when I met her. But I guess sometimes what's broken can't be fixed regardless of the effort we put into it. I hope you all stay strong. The fact we're seeing each other less around here probably shows we're moving on. Not necessarily that we're healed or fully happy but just moving on... I guess we're all seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. In some days it's harder to see it like it's becoming more distant, and in others it looks very clear, like it's getting closer. The time will come eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Hey guys dont forget about me. I love you all too! Haha. Ahhhh my life sucks..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Hey guys dont forget about me. I love you all too! Haha. Ahhhh my life sucks..... Aww! Never forgotten! Love you too! :love-struck: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Let me be the first to wish you all a Happy Valentines! (I know, I know...) Can't lie to you guys, been feeling low the last few days. I guess people were right with the stages. Feel quite depressed, maybe I should look to do something about it, to help. Never done counselling or meds. Don't want to feel this way, but silly thoughts are going through my head.. reaching out, telling her what I think.. I just can't though and there is no point. Just feeling down about it all. When it happened, people did say it will take around a year or even longer to get over this. That scares me more than anything. Sending love to all x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Hi Sputnik, great to hear from you! We're always using Carus' thread but it appears it has become a place we all go for a chat from time to time :) I truly hope he doesn't mind. My post earlier today probably came across as too optimistic with regards to my situation. I still think about my ex everyday, quite a lot. I don't overanalyse that much anymore but sometimes I'm just... sad. My attachment to her was definitely weaker than in most situations here because it was a short fling but it felt special and the fact that I think I was used as a rebound (and that all she said to me was fake) makes things harder to let go. I keep thinking about the future, what's gonna happen? Is she really out of my life for good? Was it really fake? I feel sad to think that way but it's probably for the best. I do need to deal with her being around at work most days so it's been all very hard for me, even on good days. When it comes to thinking (or even obsessing) about her, I'm not sure I made a lot of progress since the break up. I get less affected by it but I'm still very far from where I wanted to be in terms of this obsession. What helps me changing the narrative is the progress that we can do in other areas. If we're not making much progress in the 'ex front' we need to try to make progress in other areas. I've been working out almost every day, on a diet, drinking less, working more. Been strenghtening my friendships. Been trying to do things I like whenever I have the chance (like going to old Rock n Roll stars' concerts lol). Trying to learn new music when I have the time. And definitely going through a soul searching journey, learning a lot about me, what is right, what is wrong about me and needs fixing. And also importantly, how to fix it. None of the above keeps me from going back to the 'dark holes' sometimes. Having those dark thoughts. Did I screw up with the relationship or was I just used? Did the relationship have any chance? What does she think of me? Did she completey forget? Am I that useless and forgetable? Will I ever feel that excitement again? All these questions remain in my head and haunt me frequently. I get very sad when it happens. But then I think about the progress I've been making in other areas, I feel somewhat better. It is a bit of a forced progress, but still. I look at those areas and I can't help feeling a bit proud of myself. I don't have the feeling that I'm completely stuck in life. I might be stuck when it comes to the healing (or not, who knows). But I'm not stuck in other areas of my life. So all in all, it does give me a a bit of that feeling of moving on because I'm becoming someone different from the one who was broken up with. I hope this approach can be applied to your situation and that it helps you put things into perspective. I read that a break up is one of the best motivators one can have in life and I tend to agree. About depression, my view is that you should be neither too keen on meds or too afraid of them. Same goes for therapy and other coping strategies. I think they're not gonna fix you. They're gonna provide tools for you to fix yourself. There are ways of doing that and meds are one of them. They might help you go through a bad time, but they won't fix the root of the problem. Some people get ouf of depression with meds. Other get out without them. My dad suffered from depression for a while and all the meds did to him was make him sleep more and feel more numb. I've seen others that get a good outcome from meds and became quite functioning beings with their help. You could start taking meds now and in a few months be feeling 100% better and quit them. Maybe at that time you just kind of forgot about your ex and you may think the meds 'cured' you when they jsut kept you functioning while the strong attachment was still there. Perople are different, even chemically, genetically speaking. In science, some studies 'excluded' the genetic effects when studying depression and found that differences lie in how people cope. Something like the narrative we tell ourselves. Some people just have a positive take on life and whenever **** happens they just see it as temporary and that it needed to happen anyway. Others think misery is their fate and it will only get worse from there. Others just don't care that much. Attachment styles probably have a big influence on that too. But even with that, in the end it's a bit about the narrative you're telling yourself. It was easy to see how Carus changed when the narrative in his head changed too. When he was hopeful of reconciliation, or hopeful that he found new love, he was optmistic and thought life was smiling at him again. When his perception changed, he became pessimistic about his future. And really, nothing really changed. Or almost nothing. It's the same Carus from two or three weeks ago. Only his perception changed and whatever came after is probably a consequence of that. I hope the above made some sense. I'm definitely no expert but been really digging into self-growth in many areas and along with some scientific knowledge from my work I'm getting to some conclusions. They could be largely wrong but they have been helping me understand that our perception of facts is everything. It's those lenses. In Buddhism they call it 'dellusions'. **** will keep happening to us on a constant basis. How we react is what is gonna really define if we feel miserable or not. PS: Much easier said than done and I'm guilty of the same dellusions myself. But trying to slowly learn and change... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Thanks *Morello. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I will get there. We all will! Need to focus on the things that matter and what I can change. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OllieB123 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Let me be the first to wish you all a Happy Valentines! (I know, I know...) Can't lie to you guys, been feeling low the last few days. I guess people were right with the stages. Feel quite depressed, maybe I should look to do something about it, to help. Never done counselling or meds. Don't want to feel this way, but silly thoughts are going through my head.. reaching out, telling her what I think.. I just can't though and there is no point. Just feeling down about it all. When it happened, people did say it will take around a year or even longer to get over this. That scares me more than anything. Sending love to all x Sputnik, Just wanna say thank you for everything you post. Your stories, advice, reassurance etc. have been a real help to me when reading your posts/replies. Just stay motivated and keep doing what you're doing. We'll all be mended eventually and I know its horrible to think about how long that could take. 'Everything will be ok in the end. if its not ok, its not the end' Take it steady! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted February 14, 2018 Author Share Posted February 14, 2018 Hi Family* ~ I made it through VDay although it never meant much to me or her anyway...And the thought of doing anything never even entered my head, so that was one decision I didn't struggle with! :) A mutual friend posted a pic today from a few years ago with me in it and it got a 'Like' from the ex....*sigh* Another day. Another trigger..... Can't lie to you guys, been feeling low the last few days. I guess people were right with the stages. Feel quite depressed, maybe I should look to do something about it, to help. Never done counselling or meds. The last week has been extremely tough for me too Brother...Hoping to turn it around over the next week or so.... I find the counselling helps, even if it's just bawling my eyes out for an hour....But with the right therapist, and depending on what you want to focus on in the sessions, it can be helpful, although expensive..... As for the meds, I'm still trying to stay off them. I'm still functioning and showing up to work and perhaps more time is needed... I remind myself that the first month of this year was definitely a set back for me, as Morello* points out...So hopefully I can start again and work my way back from here. As we mentioned earlier, it's the finality kicking in now... Don't want to feel this way, but silly thoughts are going through my head.. reaching out, telling her what I think.. I just can't though and there is no point. No there's not....let me remind you to go back and read my thread from New Years onward....That should stop you ;-) Just feeling down about it all. When it happened, people did say it will take around a year or even longer to get over this. That scares me more than anything. Yeh sorry Bro* ~ It really can take quite a while to recover from a deep wound, and it scares me too...But we need to hold onto that belief that we will get there. Nothing in the Universe stays the same, so this probably wont either* Hi Sputnik, great to hear from you! We're always using Carus' thread but it appears it has become a place we all go for a chat from time to time :) I truly hope he doesn't mind. I truly don't :)....I think it's amazing that this thread has come so far and is still going...I guess it's gone from a place of hoping to get the expartner back to a place of healing and doing all we can to get out of this horrible cycle that some of us have fallen into. About depression, my view is that you should be neither too keen on meds or too afraid of them. Same goes for therapy and other coping strategies. I think they're not gonna fix you. They're gonna provide tools for you to fix yourself. There are ways of doing that and meds are one of them. They might help you go through a bad time, but they won't fix the root of the problem. I agree, they certainly have their place and some people do feel somewhat better, at least in the short term.... But I've definitely had clients come in who say they've been on AntiDs for years and still depressed....So other proper healing or treatment still needs to happen. For me (and most of us I guess), a big part of my state is missing my ex and the life we had...and no pill is going to change that situation. I just need more time and to continue focusing on healing my heart and controlling my thoughts. It was easy to see how Carus changed when the narrative in his head changed too. When he was hopeful of reconciliation, or hopeful that he found new love, he was optmistic and thought life was smiling at him again. When his perception changed, he became pessimistic about his future. And really, nothing really changed. Or almost nothing. It's the same Carus from two or three weeks ago. Only his perception changed and whatever came after is probably a consequence of that. It's true...This is all a battle of the mind....and core wounds like attachment, abandonment and rejection. It also shows how important having a partner is to me. This goes back to growing up in a loving family where my parents were together until my father passed away... So I grew up 'believing' that this is how it's supposed to be....This is why I've always suffered at the end of long term relationships. It confuses my belief system. 'This is not how it's s'posed to be!'.... And with my marriage, with our land and business and kids, I finally felt that I'd achieved it....and now that that's all gone, you have witnessed in this blog the effect it's had on me... I wish it wasn't that way, I truly do...I envy those who don't take breakups so badly...But for a lot of us, this is how it goes* I hope the above made some sense. I'm definitely no expert but been really digging into self-growth in many areas and along with some scientific knowledge from my work I'm getting to some conclusions. They could be largely wrong but they have been helping me understand that our perception of facts is everything. It's those lenses. In Buddhism they call it 'dellusions'. **** will keep happening to us on a constant basis. How we react is what is gonna really define if we feel miserable or not. PS: Much easier said than done and I'm guilty of the same dellusions myself. But trying to slowly learn and change... Always enjoy your posts Morello* ~ I think that is why Acceptance and Gratefulness are massive components to healing and coming to peace with the way things are. Things are as they are and what we resist persists.... I don't want things to be like this but the more I deny that they are, the more pain I will cause myself* Sputnik, Just wanna say thank you for everything you post. Your stories, advice, reassurance etc. have been a real help to me when reading your posts/replies. He's a treasure isn't he? :) We'll all be mended eventually and I know its horrible to think about how long that could take. Yes it's frustrating as hell..! And it makes it worse knowing that the other person is out there living their life as normal not dealing with anything near the pain we push through every day.... There has to be some good to come out of that situation....Emotionally stronger? More self aware? I don't know...I've been smashed quite a few times and this is the worst one yet! Still, to get through it and becoming happy again, like truly happy, should certainly be looked at as an achievement. Today I am grateful for: A) My mother still alive and in good health. B) The advancements in health and medicine that are available to us these days. C) The fact I can just walk into a shop and be presented with massive varieties of food to buy. I will continue to push on. Thanks to everyone posting. I hope it helps coz it helps me too. Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makeit Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Todays the ole V day in the states. I know its gonna be a tough day for all of us. Thankfully Im off work and will spend it with my daughter. I have no desire to do anything dumb or break NC in any way. Also glad for that. The thought that my ex will be soending it with someone is in my head but Im trying not to dwell on it. I have been talking with an old fling of mine. It has been helping. We are planning on going out. Another day to push through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Just 4 hours and 2 minutes of this blasted day left here! lol Thanks *Carus, Sweets and Makeit for the wonderful support. Good to hear from you Ollie.. very nice words indeed :) How are you getting on buddy? This thread has become quite the hang-out joint! A bad grind at the office all told, but tomorrow is another day and will press forward, with renewed enthusiasm... I urge you all to follow me! lol Very pleased that the grateful list has returned brother. You truly only get 1 Mum.. Take good care of her ;) "There has to be some good to come out of that situation....Emotionally stronger? More self aware?" - I do believe so.. 99% of the time! I'm glad that today wasn't too bad for you.. I tried to avoid ANY social media today.. far too many happy people for my liking ;p I hope work is OK and that you manage to keep some decent kip. Speak on the morrow. I'm off for a super early night. My son is with friends for a few days, so I'm home alone! S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Hi Carus I think that if you're functioning well and are working normally, eating normally, exercising and not lacking energy, you're doing good to stay away from meds. Unless you're in a constant feeling of sadness which doesn't appear to be the case. It looks more like an 'up and down' thing, which is normal in post-break ups. But obviously, maybe you wanna hear a specialist opinion on that to make sure. About the breadcrumbs... It kinda sucks because they set you back. And it's probably unfair of her to do that. But on the other hand, it shows she cares and it probably gives you a tiny bit of ego boost. In comparison, I'm dealing with an ex who didn't care enough even to reply my last message. I think I'd prefer to be in your situation than in mine although I know none of them are good. Yes, acceptance and gratefulness are key. And a little bit of excitement just to think of what life may have reserved for us after the corner is an interesting emotion too. If we keep improving ourselves, chances are our next relationship will be better than the last. Sending good vibes to all of you. It's not easy, but I'm sure we all have what it takes to go through it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Well done on the deletions Sweets... proud of you! ;) Yes, this is the time to be very good to one's self! Hope everyone is doing O.K today There is definitely more hope in the air today :) S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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