Dreams and Nightmares*

[SweetGirl28]

I am curious if you guys think I should ask her on a date? not sure that it's a good idea but I really want to see if we still have chemistry after all this time apart and the BS

 

Please trust me on this, and do not put all your cards on the table just yet!

You are feeling emotional, give the thought of asking her to meet up a few days and decide when you feel more stable.

[Morello]

I agree with Sweets. I wouldn't ask her out now. Maybe try to remove yourself from the picture for a few days/weeks and reassess.

[MrRedTech33]

Ok, thank you guys! I am feeling a little better after some exercise and a shower. I won't ask her out now, maybe wait a little while. thank you again so much for replying and being here. Thank you Carus for letting jump in on your thread lol you guys are good people!

[Carus]

Yeh I wouldn't advise it really.

 

Go back and read my thread around the new year onwards.

 

I have a nastee feeling the same may happen to you and I would hate to see you go back to where I am now.

 

Carus*

[MrRedTech33]

I will go back and read. I had a bad morning so far but I am going to try and make it a decent day, with hopefully very little thoughts of her and her BS

[MrRedTech33]

I read a lot of the stuff about your date with your ex and the aftermath of that. I totally get it. After the night my ex and I reunited, and then she broke it off again, was hard to get over. in fact this whole thing has been hard to let go of cause I am still in love with her and have hope. I guess once I am hurt one too many times or the hope is gone, I will move on. SweetGirl is giving me advice to play it cool and since she is now contacting me saying she misses me and now saying that her and the guy are just "hanging out" and not serious that I have a shot. I am just unsure if I want to play this game, I know I will blow off someone potentially great for her if she calls, but maybe next time she does I should say I am busy but would like to meet up soon? idk, wth should I do? Carus, how have you been coping? seeing someone new is good? or do you still constantly think of your ex?

I find myself even thinking of my ex when I am with another woman physically. probably not healthy but I only want her and crave her and I just don't feel anything for these other women. They are good people but I just don't have that spark for them. guess I need to be alone for awhile and maybe go on a date or 2 eventually

[Makeit]

Hey Carus. How you doin brother?

[Carus]

Not good. Thanks Makeit. x

[SweetGirl28]

(((hugs))) to you Carus. If you want to talk message me.

I do hope this pain passes soon for you.

[beebs82]

Hi Carus, and everyone here! Hope you all had a great weekend.

 

I want to say that you all are doing the right thing with NC. Just as I was feeling better, the contact set me back again.

I have my guy BFF begging me to cut my ex off because he now sees me developing a pattern with the men I'm choosing.

I hate to admit it, but he's right. Out of the four prospects, I'm leaning towards the one who long distance of three hours. Why? Because I'm not where I should be, and the distance is safe for me. Had I not responded to the ex I'd be okay.

Last night he text me again, and again I caved. I tried not to, but idk, I can't bring myself to ignore him.

So my guy BFF is so supportive and now I'm hurting him because he sees me hurting myself :(

My ex was great is many ways, we never fought until the breakup night actually. He was awful then, and after but

he's been back to who I knew, sweet and joking, and it makes it harder. Just his contact his sporadic.

 

So, stay NC guys! It hurts, but you will be able to push forward without so many setbacks.

If ever you reach the stage of indifference, you can break it. But probably wouldn't even want to at that point.

Do not torture yourselves wanting to reach out. He dumped me, I don't initiate contact anymore and he keeps coming back.

Like my BFF said, for how long? Am I passing up good opportunities because my heart is tied to my ex? Probably.

But honestly I'm not ready. Im back at the point I'm going to be comparing everyone to him. That isn't fair to anyone.

 

Stay strong people. Don't be me!

 

Doesn't seem fair that he got to dump you but still "semi" have you. He still got what he wanted out of this. He got to end the relationship so technically he's free to do whatever he wants but he still has you in some capacity. I think NC (which I'm sure u know) is the best thing at least for now. I don't always think Nc is the way to go. It depends on each relationship but maybe temporarily you need to? I think Nc is the way to go for "you" and not for revenge or to get your ex back which is why some people use it....stay strong!!!!

[sputnik123]

message me too *Carus*

 

Love you man! :)

[SweetGirl28]

message me too *Carus*

 

Love you man! :)

 

I ditto this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^xxxoooo

[Carus]

Thankyou so much everyone. I'm laying face down on the canvas right now but I'm still here.

 

I'm literally fighting for my life*

 

I went to the GP today and we spoke about antidepressants. I really don't want to take them.

 

After we spoke about the side effects like the liver and stuff, I went and bought some St Johns Wort and Valerian instead.

 

For some reason, for the first time in a long time, I looked at my ex's FB page.

 

There's nothing going on there really but I saw a post from Jan 21st of the two boys in the kitchen of what used to be my home.

 

In zooming in on it I touched the Like button....sigh*

 

FaceBook... Don't do it people!

 

SweetGirl* - I hope your ex coming around you like this is not causing you too much stress ok*

 

Hugs

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

I too am very wary of taking meds etc.. in fact, never taken anti-depressants or even a sleeping pill.

 

Some people swear by them, especially the feeling when they start kicking into action. They can have side-effects and then be very addictive, as you know, so I am on the fence. You need to do whatever helps YOU though.

 

We are all here for you and not going anywhere. Please know that. keep your thoughts on here, how ever you are feeling.

 

When it comes to Facebook, it would be "suicide" for me, so I have not checked or looked once (even 4 months out, it would crush me). I cannot over emphasize that.

 

I have deleted the Whatsapp contact yesterday as just an innocent photo change scared the life out of me!

 

This is all about self preservation, healing and then growing (subconsciously, even all at the same time!).

 

I am convinced that any contact, if there are genuine feelings left on our part, holds us back. Keeps us on pause.

 

Sending you all the strength in the world, from the other side of the world!

 

S x

[Ian4996]

Carus, all the best. Have you got family and friends you can speak to at the difficult times? (as it sounds like now is a difficult time for you)

[Makeit]

Thankyou so much everyone. I'm laying face down on the canvas right now but I'm still here.

 

I'm literally fighting for my life*

 

I went to the GP today and we spoke about antidepressants. I really don't want to take them.

 

After we spoke about the side effects like the liver and stuff, I went and bought some St Johns Wort and Valerian instead.

 

For some reason, for the first time in a long time, I looked at my ex's FB page.

 

There's nothing going on there really but I saw a post from Jan 21st of the two boys in the kitchen of what used to be my home.

 

In zooming in on it I touched the Like button....sigh*

 

FaceBook... Don't do it people!

 

SweetGirl* - I hope your ex coming around you like this is not causing you too much stress ok*

 

Hugs

Carus*

 

Glad you gave us more of an update. Dont you hide away from us man! We need you and you need us in this time.

 

Very important. I too picked up some st johns wort. I was briefly on an Anti Depressant after my kids mom split up and I quickly got off it as It made me feel really tired and even foggier then depression. Fast forward to this breakup and I gave St johns a try. And at high dosage it made me feel exactly like the Anti D did. I quit it as well. So take that as good or bad. Everyone reacts diff to these things but im convinced St Johns is no joke.

 

Ahhh the social media breakdown. Had mine what 2 or 3 weeks ago? Yep does know good. I believe you gave me a sculding when I posted about mine. You know what.....we all do it. It happens and maybe its part of the process. Thankfully you didnt find anything too bad. I found some not so great info when I looked but nothing too bad either. Maybe its part of the healing process. One step back two steps forward perhaps.

 

Sending you a fist bump brother. We deserve better then this. It has to come sometime.

[Carus]

Dearest Carus,

 

I too am very wary of taking meds etc.. in fact, never taken anti-depressants or even a sleeping pill.

 

Some people swear by them, especially the feeling when they start kicking into action. They can have side-effects and then be very addictive, as you know, so I am on the fence. You need to do whatever helps YOU though.

Yes, I'd rather try my best to get through this as naturally as possible. My body is already dealing with enough stress and cortisol...AntiDs are very strong drugs and the side effects can be pretty nasty....

 

I've had people come into my clinic saying they've been on AntiD's 3,4,5 years and they're still depressed....So what does that tell you?

 

Well, the reason I'm suffering mentally is because I miss my ex terribly and the associated losses that went with it...

 

Will AntiD's bring my ex back to me?......of course not....So the actual source of the pain will not change....Only time and the work we are all doing will help with that...

 

AntiD's do have their place and I'm not disbarring them completely, but I've always tried to work with patients to get to the source of the pain to alleviate the symptoms...

We are all here for you and not going anywhere. Please know that. keep your thoughts on here, how ever you are feeling.

That is very kind of you Brother....but my state of mind goes a little beyond the scope of this forum. I'm in trouble but yes I'm seeking help with it.

When it comes to Facebook, it would be "suicide" for me, so I have not checked or looked once (even 4 months out, it would crush me). I cannot over emphasize that.

Totally agree and I'm not even sure why I went there tonight....Part of the madness I am descending into I guess :-/

Needless to say, I won't be doing it again for a long time.

I have deleted the Whatsapp contact yesterday as just an innocent photo change scared the life out of me!

Good for you buddy...Do what is right for you as self preservation is utmost at this time.

 

I still feel cracks are starting to appear in your exs rebound relationship...coz that's what it is.......

I am convinced that any contact, if there are genuine feelings left on our part, holds us back. Keeps us on pause.

Certainly sets us back for sure...Probably why I'm at where I'm at right now....Last interaction was 'only' 2-3 weeks ago....At least I can continue forward from here now :)

Carus, all the best. Have you got family and friends you can speak to at the difficult times? (as it sounds like now is a difficult time for you)

Thanks Ian* ~ I've pretty much exhausted all friends and family....some of them dropped out long ago....

 

But I do have 3 really special friends who are being extremely patient with me, plus my counselor...

 

I think I mentioned somewhere before how unfair I feel it is that my friends have had to rally around me and try their best to put me back together whilst my ex trips off and lives her life as normal....It does give me fuel to try harder though*

Glad you gave us more of an update. Dont you hide away from us man! We need you and you need us in this time.

Thanks Makeit* ~ I'll try but I'm finding it difficult to even think about anything right now. I'm just trying to get the day to day fundamentals done. I need to do some shopping for a start...!

Very important. I too picked up some st johns wort. I was briefly on an Anti Depressant after my kids mom split up and I quickly got off it as It made me feel really tired and even foggier then depression. Fast forward to this breakup and I gave St johns a try. And at high dosage it made me feel exactly like the Anti D did. I quit it as well. So take that as good or bad. Everyone reacts diff to these things but im convinced St Johns is no joke.

Thanks for the info...I'm trying all I can and I'd still rather take herbal stuff over the extremely strong pharmaceutical stuff....

 

I've just taken some Valerian for sleep...I want to get off those other pills...and I wake up in sweats anyway, so hopefully this will be somewhat better.

Ahhh the social media breakdown. Had mine what 2 or 3 weeks ago? Yep does know good. I believe you gave me a sculding when I posted about mine. You know what.....we all do it. It happens and maybe its part of the process. Thankfully you didnt find anything too bad. I found some not so great info when I looked but nothing too bad either. Maybe its part of the healing process. One step back two steps forward perhaps.

Yes, I'd done so well up til today too :(

 

I think it is part of the process...Eventually we won't care*

 

Hopefully I'll have a good day off tomorrow and do a more uplifting post....I want to get some more content onto my channel....

 

I hadn't heard from Jessica since Sunday so I sent her a text today just saying to let me know if she still wanted to go to Sound Healing tomorrow....

 

No response....

 

So I deleted her number....

 

Thanks for all the love. Very special stuff going on in here*

 

Carus*

[reinventmyself]

I went on antidepressants during my divorce. I had gotten so low that I couldn't get back up and it became a vicious cycle of feeling low and then feeling lower because there wasn't anything I could do to change it no matter how hard I tried.

 

I probably stayed on them for 6-8 months. The first couple days made me slightly nauseous. But what's the difference when you can barely get off the couch and function anyway? Within a couple weeks I could feel the shift. I noticed the sunshine, appreciated small things, I actually laughed and was able to function.

It helped me get through a difficult period.

 

Prolonged stress depletes your body all sorts of feel good chemicals, dopamine, serotonin, cortisol.

There is no shame in asking for help and taking something to supplement it when you are without.

 

I had absolutely no issues getting off of them.

I would just skip a day here and there and at some point with about 3 weeks I didn't take it any more.

 

I remember going back to see my doctor after they had first kicked in taken control. I told him I was so relieved, I might use them forever!

I was half serious, half joking. I was however very grateful.

 

I am not advocating anyone taking them. But they are not at as scary as some the previous posts make them out to be.

Just my 2cents

[Morello]

Hi Carus

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's tough, especially because it appeared you were making progress. Maybe this is part of finally accepting that it's over so it's progress although it may not look like it. I'm sending you good energy, my friend!

 

The other day I got curious about your story as I had not read anything about the break up itself before. One of the threads you started was about you questioning whether you should end your relationship with her or not, before the actual break up. It was about she getting overly controlling and you were faced with a decision about whether you should let her control and change you and keep together, or end it. You decided for the former. But the issue was and probably would still be there if you got back together.

 

I think you may be just fantasizing about your relationship and just thinking of the whole thing through rose lenses while ignoring why it wasn't working even before you broke up. You kept saying in that topic how she just wouldn't let it go and was not trusting you enough, even though you gave her no reasons to question you. Really, the impression I got from your posts was that it wasn't a very nice relationship to be in, to be honest. Ot at least not as good as it may look from your more recent posts. Not that it was bad, and I'm sure she has a lot of great qualities. But what I'm trying to say is that your tone in that thread is very different from the one which emerged since you started this new thread after the break up.

 

Also, maybe it's because you decided to work through the issues instead of breaking up and she, on the other hand, decided to break up and not work on the issues to save the relationship. I'd put money that you'd be feeling much better today if you had pulled the plug back then when you considered it. Your self-esteem would be somewhat intact. The rejection has a big component in how we feel about break ups. I urge you to try to think about those times when you were considering breaking up with her. This relationship was probably not as good as you now think it was. It's been months, it's quite likely that your mind is already playing a very different movie in your head compared to the reality of what it actually was. Not trying to diminish your relationship at all, but from your first thread it just read as a relationship that had just ran its course.

 

Again, I hope you go through this, I'm sure you will. It's all a matter of time... You're doing a great job in looking for help and if medication is needed, be it. Remember: the attachment will wear off, sooner or later. Medication doesn't help the attachment wearing off, it just makes you a functioning person until it happens. On the other hand, you can work on changing the narrative of what was and what is. The pathway for self-confidence is deciding not to care THAT much. The past is just the past, mate. It's nice to have memories and they teach you a lot, but the past doesn't change the present. The present is what is important. You can lose your wife, a family member, a job, a house in a matter of seconds. We're just cosmic dust. Happiness will come your way again when you realise you can't control everything and that you'll be fine whatever happens. Be happy you're doing great in things you can control. You made everyone here proud of your progress, a brief hiccup won't make your progress disappear. All the best my brother!

[sputnik123]

Hi brothers (and sisters!),

 

One important moral of this story is definitely to stay away from all Social Media routes until absolutely no trace of "caring" exists.. no good can come of it

 

You will get through this *Carus, I have full confidence in you! Am very proud of everything you have dealt with..

 

I acknowledge and appreciate that healing also needs to take place outside the confines of these virtual walls, but please remember that you have many friends here. We wait on your updates and we cherish your views on our situations.

 

This Jessica seems to be on a different path to you, which is fine.. It was always much more about what the meeting symbolised, rather than the person herself.

 

Morello, as usual, has a very sound point. I too am very guilty of the rose-tinted, after the event, view on things. My ex was distinctly HORRIBLE to me (and my son), yet I had her high up on a pedestal. I do think your ex was much nicer than mine, as a person, but the relationship/s still had major difficulties and we are left to pick up the pieces long after they walked away physically and emotionally...

 

Sending you strength, peace, love and HOPE!

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Hey Carus, hoping today finds you in a bit of better spirits .

Each day is a new chance, a new beginning.

Remember it's up to us to create our happiness, it has to come from within.

Positive thoughts to keep the pain lessened.

Our exe's do not make our happiness, don't forget that.

This is just a setback to bigger and better things ahead.

And, ditto what Sputnik said to you also.

Hang in there, I'm thinking of you .

[Carus]

Thanks everyone for the well wishes....I'm just trying to push through it at the moment...It's difficult and painful*

I went on antidepressants during my divorce. I had gotten so low that I couldn't get back up and it became a vicious cycle of feeling low and then feeling lower because there wasn't anything I could do to change it no matter how hard I tried.

 

I probably stayed on them for 6-8 months. The first couple days made me slightly nauseous. But what's the difference when you can barely get off the couch and function anyway? Within a couple weeks I could feel the shift. I noticed the sunshine, appreciated small things, I actually laughed and was able to function.

It helped me get through a difficult period.

 

Prolonged stress depletes your body all sorts of feel good chemicals, dopamine, serotonin, cortisol.

There is no shame in asking for help and taking something to supplement it when you are without.

 

I am not advocating anyone taking them. But they are not at as scary as some the previous posts make them out to be.

Thanks for the info Reinvent* ~ I agree they can help to lift you off the floor in the short term. I just don't know. I think I'm just desperate for this pain to stop*

 

I'm more worried about the effects on my body more than shame, although shame within myself is definitely a part of it.

 

AntiDs won't bring my ex back or stop me missing her so I'll just have to push on and see if that eases up over time I guess*

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's tough, especially because it appeared you were making progress. Maybe this is part of finally accepting that it's over so it's progress although it may not look like it. I'm sending you good energy, my friend!

Thanks Morello* ~ Yes it's the finality that's kicking me in the stomach....It's horrible and has definitely set me back.

The other day I got curious about your story as I had not read anything about the break up itself before. One of the threads you started was about you questioning whether you should end your relationship with her or not, before the actual break up. It was about she getting overly controlling and you were faced with a decision about whether you should let her control and change you and keep together, or end it. You decided for the former. But the issue was and probably would still be there if you got back together.

Yes that was a very confusing time, for both of us....It was spiraling out of control and neither of us had the skills to correct it....Her becoming over controlling was part of that...

 

As far as the changes that needed to happen, I've pretty much rid myself of my part in it...As for her, probably not, but at the end of the day, it's this:

Also, maybe it's because you decided to work through the issues instead of breaking up and she, on the other hand, decided to break up and not work on the issues to save the relationship. I'd put money that you'd be feeling much better today if you had pulled the plug back then when you considered it.

Not sure if I'd be feeling better...maybe.

 

But yes, she was my wife and I was committed....sadly, she just wasn't to the same degree.

The rejection has a big component in how we feel about break ups. I urge you to try to think about those times when you were considering breaking up with her.

Yes the rejection is brutal...There are also other losses that I am grieving....

 

I do try sometimes to think back to when I made that post and take off the rose coloured glasses, but I still feel so connected to her and convinced we could make it work if we gave it another try....That may be wrong but I'll just have to let that die off with everything else...There's no point trying to convince her and I can't risk further damage to my mental health right now*

Remember: the attachment will wear off, sooner or later. Medication doesn't help the attachment wearing off, it just makes you a functioning person until it happens.

God I can't wait for that day...My psychologist reminded me yesterday that this level of grief will in most cases take at least a year....

 

So whilst that reminds me to be patient and do my best to push on, it also upsets me that I have such a long road ahead of me...

 

And some days that gets overwhelming.

 

I hope everyone is doing better*

 

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

I'm so happy to wake up and see you've posted! I think about you a lot, don't want to annoy you.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend and keep pushing forward. There's a light shining for you,

you just have to travel a bit further to reach it. Be good to yourself. (((Hugs)))

[Carus]

Thanks SweetGirl* ~ I'm just trying to get through each day. The pain and the heaviness makes it a chore that's for sure.

 

It hasn't been the best start to the year with my ex sprinkling Hope Dust around me and then the Jessica thing.....But I think I'm sloooowly starting to turn around again.

 

By the way, you could never annoy me :)

 

Hugs Back

Carus*

[Silverbirch]

There's heaps of good things about not being in a relationship with another person. The biggest challenge is to be I. A healthy relationship with myself. It's been some time now, and there have been a couple men interested, but I haven't wanted to be with any if them, and time has shown my judgement to be improved. Sometimes it's a little scarey because Im completely responsible for myself. I have my own home, but sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming - how can I manage them sin tenancy and the bills - but in honesty, when I think of some of my exes, thank a God that I didn't take on mortgages and loans with them (except for my ex-husband. In reality, most things are actually better than being in a "relationship". My life is more stable in most ways. I have more choices. I'm not expected to put so much of my time and energy into anither persons family. I live my life by my own timetable.

 

Sometimes AI can get a bit bored, and maybe even a bit lonely, but if aim truthful, aside from the unreal honeymoon period, it's much much better in my case.