johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Hey friends. I'd really appreciate some female advice here. We've been together for 7 months. I am 34, shes 25 and haven't been the best boyfriend. We have extremly passionate sexual relationship and there is so much love (and neediness!!!) between us! Due to work situation, she had to move to CA for 2 months. There are 40 days left now. And here is what happned... We spent the last weekend together and it was amazing. Passionate lovemaking and more sweet memories. Then I messed up! One night I got so worried and bombarded her with insecure messages... I worry you do this, that etc I am gonna get busy and not think about you for a while this is too hard etc etc. Very stupid messages! Then she called me the next day crying, upset saying this is too painful, she thought we are good and sha can't worry about me. Things got so bad that night that she had anxiety attack and had to go to hospital there. And from the next morning... my torture began. She said. I can't do it this way anymore. This will cost me my health. We have to change this pattern otherwise we won't make it work. So she sent me her work schedule. Busy from 6 am to 9 pm, not even 5 min a day to talk. And she said. I am NOT intrested in anyone else, I am gonna be focuing fully on work. I hardly have time to eat. I love you and I hope you understand this doesn't change anything between us. I just won'r be able to worry about checking my phone all the time. I am gonna keep it on airplane mode all day. Then the week went by and it was extremly weird! I am so amazed how she could suddenly go from that needy and loving to this cold and frozen. I went to CA 3 days ago! We met. Hugged for 5 min and had a great time together. Dinner and then we had to say goodbye again. She got so sad when I was leaving. Sent me 100 messages kisses hearts etc etc. She says we're gonna go through this and come out stronger together. TBH I was so shocked she's still that passionate and hot about it. We cuddled, hugged, kissed but I definitely see she's changed. That night she sent me dozen naked photos of her wanting me to... u know? And since that night... she's been super cold again. I send message and she just doesn't seem to care or be intrested to respond. I am going crazy. Not sure what's going on. Really, don't you have 5 minutes at the end of the day to message me and tell me how your day was? Is it too much to ask? What could be happening? I feel 5 more weeks with contact like this will probably change things. She's there and there are so many guys who hit on her all the time. I worry she meets someone else BECAUSE I gave her so much drama. You know? Meet someone else just to move on from me. She once told me she couldn't break up with her ex because oit was too hard, so she cheated to end things. I worry she wants to use this time apart from me to move on. Because in the past she told me several times she doesn't wanna be with me but she needs me so much. Please let me know what you think. Am I crazy worrying? Is she really that busy with her life? Aren't you supposed to support each other in hard times? Am I supposed to just stand back and meet up in 5 weeks? How about what I feel? What about the support I want? What if in a few months she needs me and I say.. well I am busy right now. Does she want to break up? If so why does she send me hearts once in a while? Why did she even come out and told me everything is great and nothing between us has changed? I am not sure what to do! Do nothing? Completely back off and give her space? Try to talk to her about this? I kinda tried and she kinda ignored since she doesnt want drama!!! Sleep with someone else? Send her a couple tiny loving messages a day? Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 So, you're dramatic that due to your drama she's gonna break up, while she's being so anxious over it that she lands in a hospital. That's a drama combo... It doesn't sound like what happened to you so far is a big problem - more like a bump that happens in relationships, but they overcome it. It's only 2 months, so if you're serious about each other, even with little talking during the day you should make it. And she definitely needs more peace to do her work stuff. Give her space, and all will be fine. It does sound like she's still passionate about you and things will get easier for you in a couple of weeks. What is a problem is your future, once you both overcome these temporary difficulties. You're both extremely sensitive and insecure. Qualities like this make it very hard to build a healthy, happy relationship that won't cost all of your life energy. The only thing this gonna work it's if you both put more trust. You trust yourself not to mess things up and trust her not to leave you. You trust yourself that you can manage your drama, and trust her that she's gonna find her own ways to deal with it - even if it will be a difficulty for you, like now. Her needing space doesn't mean that she stopped loving you or is gonna do that. And two people don't always need to support themselves by being close to each other - something they support each other by giving each other space to work things out. So don't be an egoist and grant her that wish. There's no need to feel offended about it. Also learn not to send dramatic messages instantly. Take time to think what you want to say, and say it calmly later. This will make it easier for you to prosper in this or in any relationship. Also, if this relationship will fail due to your and your girlfriend's emotional intensity, it won't be the end of the world. I'm an anxious person myself when it comes to relationships, and I always learn that "take things as they come" is a very good life approach and it takes you more far than fretting over everything and dwelling on negative possibilities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Thanks firelily! What do you recommend I do? Give her space by cutting contact? Isn't she gonna think "He gave up on me already"? Or I can go away for a while. And tell her baby I understand you want some space to focus on work, I am gonna go away for a bit till you finish what you're doing. I'll come and get you when you're done in December Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Boy, you're about to blow a beautiful relationship. I know of a company that purposely sends people off to another city to get the employee away from ALL distractions in their lives (wife, kids, etc.) so that they will do nothing but concentrate on work. So I can buy her explanation of not even having 5 minutes a day to text you. Also, I've been in work situations where it's literally too distracting to think about love when you've got a job to do that requires a lot of concentration. You really don't have any time to yourself in some situations. Also, there's an element to you over-texting her that shows you don't trust her. That you're so afraid she's going to meet someone in CA you're constantly checking up on her. You've got to relax. You have to slow down. You're going to lose her. You've already damaged the relationship. You're showing the little boy of yourself while she wants to see the confident, self-assured man she originally thought she had. Also you've got 9 years on her. She wants to see some maturity, not immaturity. You've got to project a positive self-image. You might think to yourself, how would James Bond act in this situation? And then act like that. How would George Clooney act? If you act confident, you will gain confidence. Don't mess things up. It sounds like you have a beautiful, hot girl. Don't lose her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 You don't need to do much. You don't have to cut contact or force it. Just give the power to her. See how often she contacts you herself and keep that frequency yourself. That action, of being calm and grateful for her talking with you on her terms, says "I understand your need to focus on work" better than any emotional message Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Thanks firelily! What do you recommend I do? Give her space by cutting contact? Isn't she gonna think "He gave up on me already"? Or I can go away for a while. And tell her Let her call you. She will. It might only be once a week, but give her time and hope she will start missing you. Let her lead the relationship because you're too emotional to be the lead right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Boy, you're about to blow a beautiful relationship. I know of a company that purposely sends people off to another city to get the employee away from ALL distractions in their lives (wife, kids, etc.) so that they will do nothing but concentrate on work. So I can buy her explanation of not even having 5 minutes a day to text you. Also, I've been in work situations where it's literally too distracting to think about love when you've got a job to do that requires a lot of concentration. You really don't have any time to yourself in some situations. Also, there's an element to you over-texting her that shows you don't trust her. That you're so afraid she's going to meet someone in CA you're constantly checking up on her. You've got to relax. You have to slow down. You're going to lose her. You've already damaged the relationship. You're showing the little boy of yourself while she wants to see the confident, self-assured man she originally thought she had. Also you've got 9 years on her. She wants to see some maturity, not immaturity. You've got to project a positive self-image. You might think to yourself, how would James Bond act in this situation? And then act like that. How would George Clooney act? If you act confident, you will gain confidence. Don't mess things up. It sounds like you have a beautiful, hot girl. Don't lose her. I understand that. But what to do? If I cut contact, it wil be like going reactive mode. If I message, I end up needy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Got it. Won't be easy x) One thing, she told me over the weeked... John thanks for not pushing it, but I know you're in pain... I am sorry for that. Thanks If theres more advice, please keep it coming. I like this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I would just send her one more message and then just let it rest. In that message I would say that, "I miss you and cannot wait to be with you again. Will not message you further as I know that you are busy." Something short and sweet. chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I would just send her one more message and then just let it rest. In that message I would say that, "I miss you and cannot wait to be with you again. Will not message you further as I know that you are busy." Something short and sweet. chiThis is so nice. I can tell a female wrote it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Let her call you. She will. It might only be once a week, but give her time and hope she will start missing you. Let her lead the relationship because you're too emotional to be the lead right now.Isn't this how relationships fade and end eventually? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Isn't this how relationships fade and end eventually? ...by being chill? No, they end by fighting for the relationship all the time like it was in some terrible danger waiting to happen. If two people love each other, they will just want to contact each other and keep returning to each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 If two people love each other, they will just want to contact each other and keep returning to each other. I think that too and I am so amazed WHY she comes to see me, takes sexy photos for me, kisses me like that AND cuts contact like this. This is very mixed signals. If she trusts me that much that send me such photos, why doesn't she make 5 minutes a day to talk to me? "She says I am more peaceful like this" but I don't know what this means? It's heavy push and pull... I just feel there is something I should do rather than holding back or mirroring her. You know the voice in my head says she's probably waiting for someone better. Maybe it's the dreaded insecurity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 No, there are no mixed signals and no push and pull on her side. If she had tons of time and you acted peacefully, she would find consistently a lot of time for you because she's enthusiastic to see you. But she is under a lot of work stress and is extremely busy. And your emotional response to it is putting her even in more stress. She doesn't "cut off" contact, she minimizes it so for sake of her well-being and for the sake of keeping the relationship (because if she did it your way, your relationship would get worse). She did not stop loving you. She just loves herself, too. If you love her, you should be happy that she does that, that she can prioritize her well-being and come up herself with solutions how to make your relationship better. I just feel there is something I should do rather than holding back or mirroring her. You know the voice in my head says she's probably waiting for someone better. Maybe it's the dreaded insecurity. Never heard a better definition of insecurity = the voice in my head that tells me to take a dramatic action (instead of just trusting that things will turn well) because I'm afraid that she will go for someone better than me if I won't do anything. So if you hear this voice, ignore it. Imagine it as a Superman who wants to save humanity by killing all the dangerous animals, destroying all the cars, basically everything that can be a potential danger for a human being. He means well, but someone has to stop him and tell him: dude, this is not a way to go. And if he won't listen, someone has to tie him up, because if he's let out he's gonna make more danger to humanity than by just sitting still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I have to go against the grain here. I see some red flags with this girl: It was hard to break up with her ex so she cheated on him to end it? Girl's got a broken moral compass. You should be concerned about that, OP. She has told you she doesn't want to be with you, but she needs you. Not exactly promising, either. I would proceed with caution. Yes, there is certainly some change-worthy behaviour on your part. You have to get a handle on your insecurity. I concede that she feels suffocated and wants space, but I am also not convinced that she is the ideal partner either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I need to think about the things you say. When I read your posts, I realize probably my situation is not as bad as I think it is. Am I right? Not too crazy about mirroring her but I think that would be a way to do it for the next 5 weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I have to go against the grain here. I see some red flags with this girl: It was hard to break up with her ex so she cheated on him to end it? Girl's got a broken moral compass. You should be concerned about that, OP. She has told you she doesn't want to be with you, but she needs you. Not exactly promising, either. I would proceed with caution. Yes, there is certainly some change-worthy behaviour on your part. You have to get a handle on your insecurity. I concede that she feels suffocated and wants space, but I am also not convinced that she is the ideal partner either. Just when I was about to calm down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I forgot to mention, over the weened I told her "Baby I am gonna go away (Canada) for a few weeks to let you do your thing... when you're done I come and get you" and she instantly got upset and said "No I wanna do that together wait for me". Also she says when we are together it's fine we just suck at long distance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Just when I was about to calm down... I'm sorry OP, it's not my intention to upset you - but I would not be so quick to overlook her questionable past behaviour, particularly with the way she justified/rationalized her infidelity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I'm sorry OP, it's not my intention to upset you - but I would not be so quick to overlook her questionable past behaviour, particularly with the way she justified/rationalized her infidelity. Na it's ok. She was 19 when she did that. She's different now. I think I mean I donno. And she kept saying how sorry she was for doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Ah, I see. I had thought this was a more recent episode. If she expressed remorse and learned from it, then I could be willing to chalk it up to a mistake made by a young and immature person. Given that, I think all you can do is follow the others' advice and dial down your anxiety and insecurity. Give her the space she is asking for but don't immediately go into panic mode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 You know, even if there is something suspicious about her behaviour, there's actually nothing you can do about it. In fact your every partner can potentially cheat or mistreat you, leave you, etc. - but if they do that, it's because of how they are, and it's not something to be prevented by you writing a lot of messages. If she ever wants to find herself a "better guy", she can do that while away or at home, while you're keeping close contact or not, etc. It would always be her choice and not something you have control over, even if you're the most perfect boyfriend on the planet. Just like it's her choice to stay with you, to love you and to be loyal to you. So: Good idea: if you're ever suspicious about something (which may not happen), make sure you're not treated unfairly Bad idea: keeping her on a short leash to prevent her from being interested in someone else, which can happen or not regardless of your actions (in every relationship, theoretically) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firelily Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 In this case, I'd say her need for space doesn't indicate any loss of interest in you, it's about just her needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 Yesterday was the first day we didn't have't communication. So before bed, I sentHey baby hope ur having a good day Love and kisses ❤ And she instantly wrote back Thank you baby, have a good night ❤ Good sign she answered. She didn't have to. Good sign there is a heart. I thought of sending a good night or good morning message once a day but I am just not satisfied with the way it is. Someone here said if 2 people love each other they want to talk to each other. I want to get the power back. I want her to write to me more too. I wanna somehow show her I can handle it but I don't want to cut her and show her I'm cold. There are 4 weeks left, distance not good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydrama1 Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 She just sent another msg "Baby I am putting the phone on silent we have meeting all day kisses" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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