I miss him

[rubys]

My ex and I broke up six weeks ago after living together for two years. He is applying for specialist jobs in other cities, which he’s studied in uni for for 7 years, (he’s 30 now) and I’m not willing to leave my job and home that I’m settled in. The pressure of our different desires got too much for us, and neither were willing to compromise on our lifestyles. We are both heartbroken, but I fear I’m more heartbroken because I was settled and he wasn’t.

 

So the trouble arises that there’s a job in the city I live in coming up next year for him. I really feel like if he gets it, I want to be with him, but I can’t wait around for a year! I know I want to have kids in the not too distant future, so I can’t afford to waste a year of my life.

 

How do I ‘move on’ and date successfully, but still having this thought of him returning in the back of my mind? At the moment the thought that he may well come back is all I can think about.

 

My plan is, first contact just before Christmas to say merry Christmas, then arrange a coffee in around February. By then I’ll have a clearer head and have looked at the relationship from a distance and hopefully know what I want from a relationship in the future. I’m hoping then I can approach the subject of ‘if he gets the job in my city’ what will happen, and hopefully we’ll both have a better idea of how we feel.

 

The problem is that we’re both trying to give each other space and not be in each others faces (respectfully), and although when we broke up we shook on the fact we would discuss things if he gets the job locally, my mind is constantly flitting between ‘he wants to get back together in the future’ and ‘he’s just planning on moving on’. Argh!

[Pretzel]

I might be wrong but it sounds to me as if he is being selfish and he has the control over the destiny of your relationship. If it all just boils down to the fact that he wants a job in the field he studied in, and wants to be with you, then the logically solution is to apply for a job in the city where you are now, but not just to up and leave if another city offers him a position. It is a bit too much for him to expect you to just leave your life and home where you are now just because he wants it - it's not as if you are in a long distance relationship where someone has to make a sacrifice. No, you are already settled and he's asking for too much - unless you were an 'adventurous' type (because sure there are people who can move easily and enjoy the adventure) but it seems you are not so he needs to accept that if he wants to be with you and prioritises the relationship.

If it does prioritize the relationship, can't he just wait for another position in your city, if he doesn't get this one? And what if he does get it? He can't just expect you to be there, waiting for him all these months. It sounds like it will either be a very very prolonged break up (painful) or very very prolonged reconciliation.

I think you just need to firmly decide whether you are broken up or not.

[rubys]

I might be wrong but it sounds to me as if he is being selfish and he has the control over the destiny of your relationship. If it all just boils down to the fact that he wants a job in the field he studied in, and wants to be with you, then the logically solution is to apply for a job in the city where you are now, but not just to up and leave if another city offers him a position. It is a bit too much for him to expect you to just leave your life and home where you are now just because he wants it - it's not as if you are in a long distance relationship where someone has to make a sacrifice. No, you are already settled and he's asking for too much - unless you were an 'adventurous' type (because sure there are people who can move easily and enjoy the adventure) but it seems you are not so he needs to accept that if he wants to be with you and prioritises the relationship.

If it does prioritize the relationship, can't he just wait for another position in your city, if he doesn't get this one? And what if he does get it? He can't just expect you to be there, waiting for him all these months. It sounds like it will either be a very very prolonged break up (painful) or very very prolonged reconciliation.

I think you just need to firmly decide whether you are broken up or not.

 

Thanks so much for your reply. The problem is he's a musician, there's only one full time orchestra in my city, so as you can imagine, VERY few jobs and a huge amount of competition!

[kbbcoop77]

You should focus on other things besides your ex and believe me I know easier said than done. I did the same thing when my wife left, imagining these scenarios months away where we were doing this or that...in reality none of it panned out and months later I started to realize it was really over and here I am almost 4 years later lol and yup it’s still over...but all’s good now ..life goes on and you meet new people ..don’t stay stuck too long on an ex. My wife and I were together 24 years and raised 2 kids etc so it was extremely hard when she bolted but it was survivable. You should really hit the gym, find new interests etc things to take your mind off him. Most important is stay 100% No Contact and that means social media etc...everything. Like he died. Then you really will get over it

[catfeeder]

I've found it helpful to take a gentler approach to decision making rather than strongarm myself into forcing a choice. I meditate and relax into allowing life to teach me what my best route will be over t.i.m.e. Given that you can't control whether ex will move toward or away from you, I'd put this on the back burner and decide that if we were ever a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday, and we can decide then rather than now.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this and create a fabulous future for myself. I'd focus on forming stronger bonds with my family and friends, who I may have neglected during my relationship, and I'd throw myself into developing my studies, my career path, my interests and ways to meet new people. If that road takes me into dating at some point, then it does, and I'll explore that when I cross that bridge.

 

Think of this time as tapping your intuition and being led by your highest intelligence to learn your own path rather than trying to make choices over which you're not entirely in charge.

 

Head high.