Pikapie Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 Update! I talked to him. He doesn't want to keep talking to his ex, she is wearing him down. He wants to make sure she gets help, then is telling her that he can't keep trying to help her if she refuses to help herself. Also, he doesn't want to get married right away. We both want him to move in with me in a few months, for a couple of months while he tries to find a job in the city, and go from there, but we do get along great. Like, I know him really well at this point. We talk everyday, and we've covered a lot of subjects that tend to have couples arguing, and we both communicate really well about things. This is a great relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 Update! I talked to him. He doesn't want to keep talking to his ex, she is wearing him down. He wants to make sure she gets help, then is telling her that he can't keep trying to help her if she refuses to help herself. Also, he doesn't want to get married right away. We both want him to move in with me in a few months, for a couple of months while he tries to find a job in the city, and go from there, but we do get along great. Like, I know him really well at this point. We talk everyday, and we've covered a lot of subjects that tend to have couples arguing, and we both communicate really well about things. This is a great relationship. Notice he tells you he *wants* to stop communicating but has not. It is not up to him to make sure she gets help - he is making an excuse "she won't get help so i have to make sure she does". She has parents -- they lived with her and her folks, right? I think he is waaay still too attached to her and you need to be firm about this or better yet, just observe and if he still keeps it up -- you make a choice. Nooo --- he doesn't move in with you. He applies for jobs before he moves. He saves up a few month's rent before he comes. He looks in your local papers online and on craigslist for a room for rent, a studio apartment or a sublet situation and moves there. The worst idea is to let someone who is not your child move in with you "while they look for a job". Especially because he will be looking for a job in his field for the first time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 Notice he tells you he *wants* to stop communicating but has not. It is not up to him to make sure she gets help - he is making an excuse "she won't get help so i have to make sure she does". She has parents -- they lived with her and her folks, right? I think he is waaay still too attached to her and you need to be firm about this or better yet, just observe and if he still keeps it up -- you make a choice. Nooo --- he doesn't move in with you. He applies for jobs before he moves. He saves up a few month's rent before he comes. He looks in your local papers online and on craigslist for a room for rent, a studio apartment or a sublet situation and moves there. The worst idea is to let someone who is not your child move in with you "while they look for a job". Especially because he will be looking for a job in his field for the first time. I know you're not listening, Pik and are unlikely to take that advise but I agree with it 100%. You are beginning out together on very unsolid ground if you go ahead as planned. You love one another so there is no reason why you can't keep doing what you're doing with him until he gets work where you live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikapie Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Notice he tells you he *wants* to stop communicating but has not. It is not up to him to make sure she gets help - he is making an excuse "she won't get help so i have to make sure she does". She has parents -- they lived with her and her folks, right? I think he is waaay still too attached to her and you need to be firm about this or better yet, just observe and if he still keeps it up -- you make a choice. Nooo --- he doesn't move in with you. He applies for jobs before he moves. He saves up a few month's rent before he comes. He looks in your local papers online and on craigslist for a room for rent, a studio apartment or a sublet situation and moves there. The worst idea is to let someone who is not your child move in with you "while they look for a job". Especially because he will be looking for a job in his field for the first time. ...You're right. Just because he doesn't initiate contact doesn't mean he still is interested in helping. She comes to him every week crying and he's always there to calm her down. Sigh...Well the situation with her parents is weird. Her dad has dementia and her mom I guess was a horrible person so they don't talk? I'm not sure. On the aspect of him finding a job...Well, he is going to be moving with a temporary job as a customer service rep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikapie Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thank you. No, you guys are right...I shouldn't just hope for the best like this. It's getting me nowhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 ...You're right. Just because he doesn't initiate contact doesn't mean he still is interested in helping. She comes to him every week crying and he's always there to calm her down. Sigh...Well the situation with her parents is weird. Her dad has dementia and her mom I guess was a horrible person so they don't talk? I'm not sure. On the aspect of him finding a job...Well, he is going to be moving with a temporary job as a customer service rep. If he found a job - my advice still stands that he needs to not live with you - he needs to find a room for rent, studio apartment or a roommate situation. Yup. even if she is the one who initiates contact - he entertains it. He calls her back. he texts her back. he has not told her to stop contacting him. its none of his concern if she has no one else to talk to. None. they are divorced. They have no kids between them. Honestly, do NOT let him move in with you. He has to maintain his job in the area, look for his career job "date" you in an environment where he is not working with you like he did when you were a barrista and also not living with you. Real dates. Not just driving over and plopping down at your place for the weekend. ANd it doesn't have to be anything that costs money -- get to know him better and longer. If he moves in i guarantee it will be hard to get him to leave if you feel suffocated or the whole ex wife thing still goes on. He has no motivation to change it if you let him move in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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