jackofmany Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 You protect your heart and do what feels right in the moment. I hope you push forward with NC and heal, because I strongly believe she's going to come back to you once this current situation fizzles out. She's got her own fire she poured gasoline on by moving in with a man who is just divorced(or is he?) I'm pushing, believe me, and this conversation helps a lot. I think the thing with them is that when they were together before he still had some issues to work out regarding his soon to be ex wife. The night before she and I had our breakup talk she said he was just looking to fill the hole left by his ex-wife. But whatever he said or did the next day convinced her otherwise. She seemed pretty sure of him, said she trusted him and that he had gotten his act together. He is pretty madly in love with her, according to many of our mutual friends, and he obviously means business or he wouldn't have flown across the country to get her. His ex (or soon to be ex) wife and he are apparantly on good terms, and his ex-wife in fact seems to be supportive of both of them. I really can't know. It's hard for me to have perspective because it seems to me that you don't make the choices they made, including smashing my heart to pieces, if you are not serious about the long haul. Of course I knew none of this until the afternoon we broke up, when she told me they had "unfinished business" and that he had made her some kind of offer. "This has been going on for two years," she said. Two years. You'd think she might have mentioned something along the way. We were a comparitively short, intense, relationship and looking back, as I was saying, it has all the hallmarks of a rebound. I try not to think about it, frankly, but I do, and when I do I always end up picturing them terribly happy walking off into some kind of sunset. It's unpleasant, to say the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I'm pushing, believe me, and this conversation helps a lot. I think the thing with them is that when they were together before he still had some issues to work out regarding his soon to be ex wife. The night before she and I had our breakup talk she said he was just looking to fill the hole left by his ex-wife. But whatever he said or did the next day convinced her otherwise. She seemed pretty sure of him, said she trusted him and that he had gotten his act together. He is pretty madly in love with her, according to many of our mutual friends, and he obviously means business or he wouldn't have flown across the country to get her. His ex (or soon to be ex) wife and he are apparantly on good terms, and his ex-wife in fact seems to be supportive of both of them. I really can't know. It's hard for me to have perspective because it seems to me that you don't make the choices they made, including smashing my heart to pieces, if you are not serious about the long haul. Of course I knew none of this until the afternoon we broke up, when she told me they had "unfinished business" and that he had made her some kind of offer. "This has been going on for two years," she said. Two years. You'd think she might have mentioned something along the way. We were a comparitively short, intense, relationship and looking back, as I was saying, it has all the hallmarks of a rebound. I try not to think about it, frankly, but I do, and when I do I always end up picturing them terribly happy walking off into some kind of sunset. It's unpleasant, to say the least. All I can say is WOW. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. The whole "ex"situation has me speechless. I'm really sorry. I know the heartache of being the rebound. It's soul crushing. I keep thinking back on how you were cautious not to be with or fall for her. Looking back maybe your gut was trying to prevent you from getting involved? You can take it as a very painful learning experience, and not regret it. You will heal, in time. I think you're a very smart and grounded man, and the right woman is going to find her way to you when you least expect it. I just got rebounded by a man who swore he was over his ex wife of 17 years (he had just been divorced), for the past 5 years. He wasn't. He claimed to hate her, which means he still was very burned. Trust issues miles long. My initial feeling was to not get involved. But he was older, charming, successful, cute, affectionate. Too hard to resist, ughhhhh....... A year in he started flinging accusations at me left and right about other men, and come to find out he was chasing another girl right before he dumped me. Actually I witnessed it and blew up, and he dumped me, lol. 53 years old with his hands on girls and giving his number out, my God what an ass . Same way he chased me. Looking back he was leaving 1 1/2 months before he actually dumped me. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope you can look back on this and feel indifferent towards her one day. I don't know the man she is with, but I do feel she had a great choice in you. Sometimes timing is just off. But you crossed paths for a reason. I'm not sure of the reason, but I think one day you will know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackofmany Posted November 3, 2017 Author Share Posted November 3, 2017 Well, it's been a while since I've updated this thread, but there is something still eating away at me, and it goes all the way back to the few days after the initial breakup. In the one text exchange I engaged in after we broke up, before she and I talked on the phone, she wrote, "I was honest with you in the midst of a confusing battle over love." Here's the thing. She wasn't. The fact that she thinks she was drives me nuts. There's a very large part of me that wants to get in touch just to explain that very thing. It is true that I am friends with most of my exes, and that it is highly unlikely I will be friends with her. There is a part of me that wants her to know why. Is that madness? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackofmany Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 So, things have been slightly better. It just kind of lightened up a little, though it is still there. She still has an effect on me, and I do my best not to run into her. But, of course, that's kind of impossible where I live, so I'd like to relay a little more information about what has been going on, and hope that some of you guys take it upon yourselves to take a look over the whole sordid yarn and weigh in. Again, I have two motivations: 1) Do what is best for me, and 2) Try to get my head around what the heck she is thinking. A month ago I would have changed the order of those things. So briefly, since I last wrote there was a period of time where we didn't see each other, nor text or any of that. In fact, there is a restaurant that I go to a lot where a friend on the staff texted me a warning one night not to stop by because she was there. I heeded this warning, though it pissed me off, because there are a lot of places she can go in town and she knows for a fact that she is likely to run into me there. Whatever. That was a bummer, but I escaped. For the most part, I have been laying low on the social scene because the possibility of a run-in seemed to outweigh the benefits of going out, at least while I was still deeply depressed over the whole thing. Then one morning, I woke up and it was lighter. It wasn't gone. It was just lighter. I still didn't want to see her, let alone with her new (or former ex) guy, but I decided I was going to start going back out socially. Not dating, just socially. There was a concert in town that I really wanted to see where there was a high likelihood she would be there. I almost skipped it. But a friend who was there texted me saying he didn't see her there and it was really crowded and she'd be easy to avoid. At this point, I had just had enough of circumscribing my actions because of her existence, so I called an Uber and went. About halfway through the concert, I decided to go get a drink and when I did there was someone knocking on the emergency exit door to get let in. I don't work at the place so I kind of ignored it. Someone else opened the door however, and who should walk in but my ex, dressed all in black and looking like a million bucks. She was the freaking bartender. Before I even have a chance to register who it is, she just says, "Hi, Jack." And hugs me. I had sworn I was not going to hug her the next time I saw her, but it happened before I could process what was going on. The she just gets behind the bar and starts working. I see her here and there going about her job, and damn if she doesn't look more beautiful than I remembered. I play it off though, and hang with my friends, and stay through the end of the show. The whole thing sort of upsets me, because of the hug, but on the other hand, despite what I was feeling inside, I know I seemed okay. I stuck around until the end, had a few laughs with my friends, then got the heck out of there. A day passes and I am thinking about going to that same restaurant I mentioned above, the one where she showed up out of nowhere a week ago, but I blow it off and go another place, because I just don't want to risk it. As I am sitting at another place eating, half reading a book and half thinking about how I am letting her dictate too much of what I am doing, I hear the text message tone. It's her. "It was really nice to see you the other night, however fleeting. I wrote something about you recently. Probably my best work. Thank you for existing, you're beautiful. And I think about you everyday. It was real, and I'm grateful for that." This reads to me like a calculated mind****. It does a couple things. The first half plays directly to my unprocessed pain and emotion. Thank you for existing . . . I think about you everyday, etc. And then the second half closes the door again, so that the whole thing does little but make me angry. Now I am curious about how to take that text, but I am going to add some further context. Right after that text came in, I got another text, from another former ex-girlfriend, one with whom I happen to have become great friends (as I said, I am actually friends with most of my exes), just asking if I want to meet for a drink. So considering that I'm a little agitated, I say sure, and agree to meet her and walk over to the other restaurant, the one which I had previously avoided. Just as we are about to sit at the bar, one of the waiters, a friend of mine, comes up to me and says, "I don't have my phone on me, or I would have warned you, but (my ex) is here. She's just in the bathroom." So I head back over to where my friend is about to sit down and say, "Hey, let's get out of here." She understands implicitly and we leave and have our drink elsewhere. So here's the thing about that context. There is no way my ex is going to that restaurant without thinking there is a high probability she will run into me. If she meant to give me space, that is definitely not the way to do it. It also means she sent me that text from there, which is somewhat odd. But which is super duper odd if she was there with her guy. Even if she wasn't, I'm not sure I'd be thrilled she was sending me those kind of messages if I were him. But that's not my business. I'm left trying to process that text. Why did she do it? Should I reply? The part about "It was real, and I'm grateful for that" sounds like her hoping to get some kind of similar response back, something that indicates everything is fine. As far as I am concerned everything is not fine. There remain many things I wish I would have said to her had she not dropped so much on me at once. When she told me she was leaving me for her ex it was all so sudden I could barely think. I have had time to think. When we broke up I mostly just bought her story, because I was in shock and denial. But I'm not anymore. Part of me wants to respond and let her know she should leave me alone. Part of me wants to ignore it. And part of me, the less noble part I'm sure, wants to reply in such a way as to just communicate I'm doing fine. This is a lot, I know, and there is a lot of context to go back and read through for anyone who has not been following along. But I am looking for insight and advice, as that phone is next to me and to text back would be so easy. What do you all think, both of her motivations, and what I should do? Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackofmany Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 All I can say is WOW. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. The whole "ex"situation has me speechless. But you crossed paths for a reason. I'm not sure of the reason, but I think one day you will know Not to bug you, but any thoughts on this last thing. I've gotten plenty of male opinions, but I am really wondering what might be going through her mind as a woman. I've kind of come to suspect that she sent the text because she was somewhere she knew she might run into me, so it was pre-emptive, but I'm not sure. I haven't replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackofmany Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 I hope you push forward with NC and heal, because I strongly believe she's going to come back to you once this current situation fizzles out. Well, it's been a while since you wrote this, but I'm not sure you're entirely wrong: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547530&page=3&p=6975046&viewfull=1#post6975046 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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