catfeeder Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Weddings are supposed to be 'best behavior' territory to support the couple, Christie, not to carry out an agenda and make a scene. Your BF was humiliated and furious with your behavior, and while that brought out the worst in him, I'd own full responsibility for the public problem that I caused, and I'd apologize for that without excuses or expectations of how BF 'should' respond. The only person we can control is ourselves, so I'd start there and tell BF that I'll do whatever it takes to make this up to him. That being a starting point, I'd leave the rest alone until the relationship stabilizes enough to work out whether or not marriage is on the table for the two of you. If so, negotiate what that will entail, and if not, then figure out how to best divide up your household with an attorney--including any of the money you may have contributed for the ring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I think her actions were wrong, but again, I think her actions and his reaction to her actions is indicative of the dynamics of their relationship and that's why I feel it's a.) not all on her and b.) pointless to try to repair. Yeah, it sounded like this was normal for them. He called her a baby and told her to get the **** out. She ran crying from the room and expected him to follow. Ohhhhhhh I've known couples like this. They like the drama. It's possible that their friends were all used to them behaving this way, and tolerated it. Time to wake up, though. It's inappropriate in all circumstances. But to behave this way at someone's wedding is just beyond bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 12, 2017 Author Share Posted November 12, 2017 To clarify everything, my actions were poor that night and I'm not denying that. I am not a saint. In addition, I did not go out of my way to ruin their wedding. As I was leaving, I ran into the bride and congratulated her. No one knew what happened till I went back to the wedding to try to apologize to my boyfriend for my behavior. I did not go back inside but waited outside for him. The engagement ring money was all of the money I was giving him because he couldn't afford one. I wasn't asking for a big ring, I wanted something simple and every ten years we could add a real diamond. I purposely put off graduating a whole year so we can have the money for a ring and Hawaii since he really wanted to go and I wanted him to be able to expierence it before we didn't have extra money from financial aid. The engagement ring money and good chunk of the Hawaii money is gone because of the Wedding. I feel maybe my actions would have been different if I didn't find out a few days before that we had to use that money. We are still together but I don't think we are ready for marriage and asked him not to purpose. I still haven't forgiven his actions for that night and hope in time I will be able to put it in the past. I came to this site in hope someone can give me advice on HOW to work this out and get past it. However, some of you decided to comment on my actions or his actions instead. It's not a battle on who is right or wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 12, 2017 Author Share Posted November 12, 2017 He wants to get married the "right" way. By purposing with a ring. He almost purpose twice without one and felt stupid. So yes, I was upset about the ringe.. but not in a materialistic way that some of you are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 12, 2017 Author Share Posted November 12, 2017 We'll have to see if the OP comes back to expound. I will say that, given they've got a child together, I hope his heart will grow to a point that's medically concerning and that they'll do their best to see if they can get past the incident. So j.man, how would you suggest getting past this? My boyfriend is against counseling and does not want to talk about it since it is in the past. Now by not talking about it I feel like I am bottling up everything. However, I also understand where he is coming from because when I kept bringing it up the week after the wedding and it was repetitive. The issue I am having is that I am being selfish and I want to feel important. Now maybe most do not approve of that behavior;however, I've been in abusive relationships and I've been in relationships where they used me for money because I am the type that likes to give. So is it wrong that I want to feel like I am a priority? That I deserve more? Or is that being materialistic and childish? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 12, 2017 Author Share Posted November 12, 2017 Yeah, it sounded like this was normal for them. He called her a baby and told her to get the **** out. She ran crying from the room and expected him to follow. Ohhhhhhh I've known couples like this. They like the drama. It's possible that their friends were all used to them behaving this way, and tolerated it. Time to wake up, though. It's inappropriate in all circumstances. But to behave this way at someone's wedding is just beyond bad. I believe in the original post I had pointed out that he never acted like that before and vice versa. Reading between the lines would imply that we do not fight like that, EVER. Emotions were running way too high that day. In addition, I held back the tears as I was walking out till I got past all the people besides a few people who had wondered out front. Have you tried running in heels? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I believe in the original post I had pointed out that he never acted like that before and vice versa. Reading between the lines would imply that we do not fight like that, EVER. Emotions were running way too high that day. In addition, I held back the tears as I was walking out till I got past all the people besides a few people who had wondered out front. Have you tried running in heels? Yes I have tried running in heels, tripped on a pothole, fell flat on my face (or rather my wrist) and sprained it. Not fun, lol. Okay back to topic, thank you for returning and clarifying. I understand your feelings better now. The only thing I would suggest is to try and let this go. Since he refuses to communicate about it, what choice do you have? It sounds like he may have some difficulty with conflict resolution, he's an "avoider." I can relate although working on it. I simply cannot stand conflict. But it's not healthy to avoid, and perhaps as you move forward, when emotions calm down, you can bring up again and discuss calmly and rationally. I do understand how you feel now though and apologize for accusing you earlier of being "materially entitled." Your feelings are justified. Best of luck as you move forward. I hope it works out for you the way you hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I purposely put off graduating a whole year so we can have the money for a ring and Hawaii since he really wanted to go and I wanted him to be able to expierence it before we didn't have extra money from financial aid. The engagement ring money and good chunk of the Hawaii money is gone because of the Wedding. The expenses of this wedding trip were covered by financial aid money, instead of that money going for your education? (I know you aren't asking specifically about this, you asked about how to work out the wedding incident/ring dilemma. However, they are part of a bigger picture, which may need addressing in order to move forward. So, just trying to get the full picture.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 You get a lot of financial aid. Fee waivers cover the actual classes and if you rent the books you only pay 200. So there is a lot left over. However, he is the only one working since he wanted me to focus on taking care of the kids and finishing my education. He truly is amazing. But since he is the only one working money is tight so we do dig in for rent and such. We worked out a plan on how much to save each semester to cover the big family vacation. The only reason why I was giving him a small chunk for the ring was because he had told me he asked for my dad's permission and I was getting antsy after it has been almost two years. He told me it is hard to save on the side which is understandable so I offered 500 for a ring and even showed him some that were just 200. But he doesn't want to spend so little on a ring. Wow I feel like I'm just rambling right now. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 You get a lot of financial aid. Fee waivers cover the actual classes and if you rent the books you only pay 200. So there is a lot left over. However, he is the only one working since he wanted me to focus on taking care of the kids and finishing my education. He truly is amazing. But since he is the only one working money is tight so we do dig in for rent and such. We worked out a plan on how much to save each semester to cover the big family vacation. The only reason why I was giving him a small chunk for the ring was because he had told me he asked for my dad's permission and I was getting antsy after it has been almost two years. He told me it is hard to save on the side which is understandable so I offered 500 for a ring and even showed him some that were just 200. But he doesn't want to spend so little on a ring. Wow I feel like I'm just rambling right now. I'm sorry. Are these loans or grants? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 The expenses of this wedding trip were covered by financial aid money, instead of that money going for your education? (I know you aren't asking specifically about this, you asked about how to work out the wedding incident/ring dilemma. However, they are part of a bigger picture, which may need addressing in order to move forward. So, just trying to get the full picture.) I really want to be able to get past the feeling of being a piece of trash you throw out. I know he loves me and I know I was embarrassing that night which is hard to swollow. I also feel that you wouldn't tell someone you love that they made their bed and now you have to lay in it when they were trying to apologize. He didn't seem drunk but according to him he was. Heck I was drunk too. I went to the bar when he told me to leave and cried while sipping on my drink. The bartender told me not to go back and apologize but I am stubborn. With our daughter, we haven't had a night out alone in 6 months so I was naive to think that if I went back we can enjoy the night. I would also like to add I did a bad job at aplolgizing. My first sentence was I love you but I hate you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 Oh and I wasn't drinking and driving. My best friend drove me back since she was off work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CristieSmiles Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 Are these loans or grants? Grants, my college does not allow loans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Have you tried running in heels? Probably. Worse is walking through grass in heels. I purposely put off graduating a whole year so we can have the money for a ring and Hawaii since he really wanted to go and I wanted him to be able to expierence it before we didn't have extra money from financial aid. The engagement ring money and good chunk of the Hawaii money is gone because of the Wedding. It's pretty lousy of him to use your money for someone's wedding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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