Break up neither of us wanted

[rubys]

I've been with my boyfriend for three years, we've lived together for two of those. He's a musician so getting a full time job is elusive. When we first got together he was working as a musician in the city I live in, which was great, but after a few months he was told he didn't get the job. He then continued to freelance, but work took him all over the country. Gradually the workload's been getting more and more, and there's been more and more time away.

 

Over the last year he's managed to become quite successful, and is currently on 'trial' for a three different jobs. All three are at least 3 hours away from where I live. I'm really settled in my job - I work 9-5, I had a promotion a few weeks ago, and I'm near my family. He's currently going between the three jobs, tours, and home with me.

 

So a few weeks ago a job came up in the city we live in. The problem with musicians jobs, is they can take between 6 months to 2 years to appoint a person, after a 'trial' period where the work is split between a selection of trialists.

 

We broke up last week because he could see how upset I was getting because he was away so much. He didn't want me to put my life on hold when he can see that I don't want to move away from where I live. I'm totally devastated and I know he is too. It just wasn't working with him spending so much time on the road. We handled the break up like adults, spending time sorting stuff out, finding memories, enjoying them, crying over them, then sorting out some more.

 

My problem is, I can't get the thought of him getting this job in my city out of my head. I want to be with him so much, and I know he wants to too, but I also can't face the thought of him not getting the job, and him going back on the road to find another job in another city.

 

I'm really not sure what to do at this point. Do I keep in contact with him incase? Or will that hold me back in the long run? I really feel like he's the love of my life, and have done for years. He feels the same way too, but at the moment I work 9-5 in one city, then he starts work in the evenings in another city!

 

Any advice much appreciated. Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I think you've done the right thing. It's hard, but circumstances were very much working against you both.

 

My concern would be the present, of course, but also the future. I am not sure how old you both are, but are you interested in having a family someday? I would find it difficult to envision what family life would look like if his work is not consistent and somewhat stable, even if there were no children involved. It's hard to feel established when one partner is away so much. I understand he will probably make strides in his career and things will even out, but I would be anxious about how long that might take and how it could conflict with my own future objectives.

[DancingFool]

No doubt it's a difficult decision, but sounds like the right one for the both of you.

Since he is a musician, it's not just his job it's his life and passion. This life will always involve instability, uncertainty and a lot of travel. It's just the nature of it that he can't get away from. At the same time, you have a stable job and a career that you can't just toss aside so you can travel with him wherever whenever. Doesn't sounds like he is at a level where he could support you both either. So there is no practical solution or future for the two of you at this point.

Doesn't mean that you shouldn't leave the door open should something change.....just.....don't put your life on hold waiting on that and recognize that at some point he will meet some girl who can travel around with him and lead that lifestyle. Leaving the door open means that you are liable to get hurt badly. So pick your poison so to speak. On top of that consider that even if he gets the job in your city eventually.......it will still likely involve traveling and touring. So maybe consider the whole picture and long term and ask yourself whether it would ever be a workable situation. If it won't be, maybe don't dedicate any more of your life on this. Sometimes it's just not meant to be.