Fight or Let go?

[PavillionExz]

I just recently got out of a relationship. One that I thought would be the one. Her and I decided we wanted different things and we were growing apart. So now it's over. That was in August. I actually took to the break up better than I thought. But what I didn't expect, is to fall for someone within the first month.

She was a coworker at the time. She was also going through a breakup. So we had that in common. We also had a tremendous amount of other things in common that we never knew until we started talking at work.

(Note: We only began talking because someone spread a rumor that we were when before that we barely spoke to one another.)

Come to find out, we both found the other attractive when we first saw each other. But we were both in a relationship.

Anyway, we started talking, she would come to work on her days off to hang out with me and I would do the same for her. We never hung out outside of work except when everyone from work would meet and eat out on a payday weekend. We both felt this spark, being together was easy, it felt right. And the two coworkers who knew about us said the same, they could see how happy we were together.

She is amazing. Beautiful mind, beautiful personality, and beautiful appearance. Just amazing. She was an anomaly so beautiful and such a geek when it came to comics. Batman in particular.

So things progressed. The furthest we had gotten was making out every now and then when we would work together. As amazing as things were. One day she text me saying that she couldn't continue doing what we were doing. It crushed her to see me. Then be with her bf who could tell something was going on with her. She couldn't do that to him. She loved him.

And even though I didn't want to. Even though til this day I still think about her and miss her from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. What else could I say but okay? I lied and said I had been thinking the same. That I hadn't thought about how her bf could be feeling.

I tried to be as understanding as possible. For her sake. Not his. And certainly not mine. It killed me.

We decided to stay friends. But tell me. How can you be friends with someone you have such strong feelings for? Someone you had yet to get to completely know? So now. As you have conversations, and learn more about one another. More things you like about this amazing person. But can't say anything that you left unsaid because you fear you will tear them apart?

My question is. Do I let her go. Or do I still my guts in hopes she feels the same and was just afraid?

[Pleasedonot5]

Wait, so she's still with her boyfriend, or they have broken up?

 

That drastically changes the story. You should not have gotten involved with someone in a relationship. That isn't a judgement; I mean for your sake. Here you are, falling for someone, who sees you (consciously or not) as temporary and second. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

If there is a connection, and she isn't currently seeing anyone, you can let your intentions be known, but you should not beg nor always be around when she needs you. Let her know where you stand, and ball is in her court, but you want space until then because you don't see her as a friend, but more. And then you should try to heal and move on.

[PavillionExz]

She's still with her boyfriend. And I understand what you're saying about never getting involved with someone in a relationship. I would have been one of the first to tell a friend that exact same thing.

But this was different. Or so I thought.

Now. I never felt used. I never felt as though she didn't feel the same.

Even now. We text, just not as frequently. If I don't text her for a couple days she will text me. But the idea of us staying friends, whether or not either of us would admit it, is to see if her and her boyfriend last. And I'm beginning to think that that is pointless.

I will, as you said, be the second choice.

[PavillionExz]

Another thing is I've tried to heal. I've tried ignoring her text. The longest I've gone is maybe 3 days. After that, I just find my phone in my hand, texting her.

[seanryder]

To someone on the outside looking in, you seem to be ignoring the elephant in the room. She is with someone else and she is carrying on like this with you.....that is a FREE preview to you of how she will behave if/when your future relationship turns a little rocky.

 

As the saying goes "be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it".

[catfeeder]

You've positioned yourself in a front row seat to view her capacity for disloyalty. So even if you 'win,' you lose.

[Pleasedonot5]

Another thing is I've tried to heal. I've tried ignoring her text. The longest I've gone is maybe 3 days. After that, I just find my phone in my hand, texting her.

 

Try again, and if you fail, again. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be just friends with someone you view as more.

 

She's still with her boyfriend

 

End thread. She is still with her boyfriend. Nothing you do at this point in terms of fighting for her will win her over -- just drive her away or devalue you in her eyes. If she were single, my advice would be different. If she messages you/talks to you like "why are you not talking to me?" you can say "[name], I'm sorry, but I view you as more than a friend and I thought we had a real connection. I do not feel it respectful or honest to myself to go back to just being friends with you with these feelings. Can we have space from each other for a while and keep all communication professional from now on? I would appreciate that a lot." Cordial and polite, but honest. If she does not ask, then this conversation need not be had.

[SoulTaker]

She's still with her boyfriend. And I understand what you're saying about never getting involved with someone in a relationship. I would have been one of the first to tell a friend that exact same thing.

But this was different. Or so I thought.

Now. I never felt used. I never felt as though she didn't feel the same.

Even now. We text, just not as frequently. If I don't text her for a couple days she will text me. But the idea of us staying friends, whether or not either of us would admit it, is to see if her and her boyfriend last. And I'm beginning to think that that is pointless.

I will, as you said, be the second choice.

 

In response to your title, there's nothing to fight for. DO NOT allow her to be a friend if you still have feelings for her. It is the price she will have to pay for fooling around with you.

 

Don't give any dramatic explanation. Just, tell her that you're not going back to a basic friendship, and to let you know if she ever becomes available.

[PavillionExz]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate all the feedback. Good news is I haven't spoken to her since my initial post. I still really want to. And I really miss what we had. But after reading what you all are telling me and speaking to a few older and wiser selection of my friends, I've decided you are all right.

We can't be friends because I want more.

She hasn't contacted me either so that filled in the other spaces, of my confusion. I'm getting over it. If she does contact me, I will let her know why I haven't spoken with her. No drama, no sob story. Just honesty. If she is the type of person she led me on to believe, she will understand. She will know that it's not from a place of anger or even pain. Just me being realistic. I mean honestly, what is SHE losing? She was fine before we met, she will be so afterwards.

Thank you all.