RainyCoast Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 *rubs over-caffeinated little hands together* allow me to go off on a tangent as ex stories do with an unfailing predictability that is almost comforting -in a sordid way, which is just as well, since you no longer have the essentials of genuine comfort in this relationship anyway who cares if this is "considered cheating", and how many times she did it fact is people are prone to royally wasting their cognitive faculties in attempts at moral amelioration and justification fact is story is as old as the seas and always comically predictable and that...ughhhhh..... she consciously lied to you. "kept it to herself" counts as lies by omission. that's not from a fortune cookie btw. (i especially find it amusing how long people can assume the other doesn't know. the spouse wont find out anyway. is perhaps entirely trusting even. the children are too young to understand. we are loving parents in front of them. we're casual anyway. never had that arbitrary monstrosity of a social contract popularly, reverently, and importantly referred to as The Talk so we are not bound by human decency, authenticity or ethics. what the other doesn't see doesn't hurt them. it was/is meaningless. the parents think it's just the stress of the abortion and the mortgage. surely the other could never figure it out and you know if a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it...yeah, i didn't think so. the lying spills over into a ridicule almost, and having one's discernment, insight, experience, psychological attunement and intelligence underestimated dismantles more of the partnership than an impulsive or fearful lie would because it's aimed, eyes opened and even narrowed into precision, at the very emotional glue between ppl) and that you can't trust her or feel safe and genuine with her and everything that felt good before the point one began to question the formerly perceived endless commitment to benevolence and fairness on the part of the other is progressively diminished because of the inhibition that comes into play by sheer law of nature activating your amygdala in hopes you'll spare yourself the injury and the experience of stomach twisting disgust, the chronic knot in your throat, and the stagnation or seeping away of the life force that used to feed an investment you're not able to sustain until this makes you physically ill and your days are marked by repressed conversation, a different eye contact, escaping into this and that to mask the emotional distance, and physical freezing until you can't recognize what's become of you two. and maybe you'll come to accept her investment is /&%$ and justify lowering your own..more...some more..and you'll have something that doesn't do you justice, and certainly no longer resembles a relationship. oh and,,,as far as her reaction goes...i wouldn't mistake dramatics for conscience. the first is an act of selfish self-preservation of the image you uphold for the other to see themselves in, and of narcissistic acquisition. conscience entails an unstoppable drive for reparation. once had a professor who used to simplify it, "by it's fruits shall you know it". --------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wouldn't want to suggest you can/can't, should/shouldn't try to deal with any of that but you certainly have it to think about. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to quote goethe for some reason. to add to the macabre feel of the Chronicals of Betrayal Threads i guess “I see my discourse leaves you cold; Dear kids, I do not take offense; Recall: the Devil, he is old, Grow old yourselves, and he'll make sense!” *retreats into her chamber* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxx82 Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 What you said though very deep is accurate. The fact that for nearly a year I had no clue of this and she continued talking to him is a huge thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 It goes beyond just cheating. It's the fact that something about him made me uncomfortable that they still talked. She repeatedly assured me there was no need for me to worry and made me feel like I was crazy and irrational for having an issue with him. Clearly- I was right and had every reason to have a problem with him. The bolded part was exactly , actually verbatim, what went on in my situation too. I told him dozens, maybe close to a hundred! times, that it just makes me uncomfortable that he still talks to this ex. He would hem and haw, and I would think it was done, and then....they'd talk again. I could hear the text messages blinging, and he'd hide his phone away from me, and finally admit that it was her. It drove me crazy. It was like gaslighting: it will drive you insane, as you are led to believe you are the insecure, jealous, crazy, needy, clingy one. And then, we'd get into fights about it, and he would say "Well why didn't you just tell me it bothered you?" Um, are you for real??? Our actual last conversation was late last week, and he said those exact words to me. I told him never to talk to me again. What she did was wrong, it was crazy-making, it will drive you to a needy place of severe insecurity if you let it. Better to go through the pain now of being alone than through that pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxx82 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Your situation is almost a duplicate of mine...it's crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxx82 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 What really sucks is we are perfect together. We both see it, everyone sees it. Yet...a month into us dating she hooked up with her ex. A guy every friend and family member of hers I've met hated and said treated her horribly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Have you spoken to her? What was your last conversation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxx82 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Oh yes...maybe I wasn't clear. We live together. Not only is there wedding planning going on but we live together. She is upset that she hurt me with this. Wants to help me get through it. But, I still don't think she understands why I think it's just not ok for her to have been talking to him. She thinks- well it's the past and it's over so why can't we be friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted September 26, 2017 Share Posted September 26, 2017 What really sucks is we are perfect together. We both see it, everyone sees it. Yet...a month into us dating she hooked up with her ex. A guy every friend and family member of hers I've met hated and said treated her horribly. It doesn't matter what people think. It matters what you think. I think you deserve respect and not be the rebound guy. You deserve better! I could never be with somebody if I was their second option. Hooking up with ex while dating is a huge red flag. This girl is not completely over her ex. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxx82 Posted September 26, 2017 Author Share Posted September 26, 2017 Yeah that's the thing. Yes, we had only been dating a month. Yes, it happened nearly a year ago and I just found out. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. That she didn't want to be with him even then. But that isn't the same as being over him emotionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eidetic Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Doesn't matter if you live together and there is wedding planning going on. There is another best man, apparently. Abort mission and kick her out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 So you two are getting married after dating only a year? Why the rush? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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