First Love- Emotional Affair?

[Devriendt10]

Age 15: I dated a guy back in highschool who I fell head over heels in love with. It was a first love relationship that was very adventurous and full of passion. About a year and a half passed before he kicked me to the curb. I’ll never forget the night I went to go pick up my things and they were in a box on the porch with the front door locked. He wouldn’t pick up the phone when I called, wouldn’t respond to any of my texts. He never told me what I did wrong or his reason for breaking up with me, just gone. Totally ghosted. I spent years having meaningless relationships trying to rekindle what I felt with him.

 

Age 19: When Facebook first became a thing (years later, I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal) I found him and sent him a friend request. I didn’t send him any messages or try to tag him in anything. Very shortly after he had blocked me. I spent some time trying to figure out what I could have possibly done that was so horrible. Obviously he didn’t want to talk to me. So, I had just assumed that he had his reasons and did what I could to just let it go.

 

I met my current husband at 22. He has been nothing short of wonderful. We have been married for three years (together for 5, no children yet). Although we have had our bumps our marriage has been overall very strong. My only complaint would be that we have next to nothing in common. He is a winter sports fan who loves the cold; I’m a summer person who lives for the heat. I love to travel, he is a homebody etc. We don’t have similar tastes in music or movies and our sense of humor is at opposite ends of the spectrum. Regardless, he is a wonderful husband who puts effort into our marriage.

 

Now- Age 27: I open up my facebook one day and see a friend request. Who was it from? You guessed it. The ex-boyfriend that I spent years driving myself crazy over. I must have spent 10 minutes just looking at the friend request before I finally accepted it. He explained that his ex-girlfriend had snuck onto his facebook and blocked a handful of people, myself being one of them. We had a lengthy conversation about what we’ve been up to over the past decade. He said that he is newly single out of a bad relationship that lasted much longer than it should have.

 

He and my husband also knew eachother from high school, so he asked if we all wanted to get together. I told my husband about the conversation (Yes, I did say that he is my ex, too) and he said he would love to have us all get together.

 

We all met for a bonfire and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He hadn’t changed at all and old feelings just came rushing back. We have not had any inappropriate conversations or so much as a hug goodbye. I do not go out of my way to contact him and when he contacts me I always tell my husband about the conversation. Now, I’m at a point where I just can’t stop thinking about him. I want to tell my husband how I feel but I don’t want to hurt him. I also want to be honest about how I’m feeling with my ex but that would also be opening up a can of worms. I’m too chicken to be honest with either of them and I’m starting to feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way that I do.

 

 

Thanks for listening...

[rosephase]

If he hasn't changed in 12 years there is something wrong with him.

 

Your old feelings are a fantasy you are layering on top of a guy you barely know now. You are getting all full of limerence but it's with ideas in your head. It's with the past. It's with your youth. It's with an idea of a guy you dated when you were still a kid. And he was still a kid. You are in love with the idea of him. You don't know him. You haven't spoken in 12 years.

 

If you have a great relationship with your husband tell him you have a crush on this guy. Get it out in the open where you can talk about it with your life mate.

[j.man]

I met my current husband at 22. He has been nothing short of wonderful. We have been married for three years (together for 5, no children yet). Although we have had our bumps our marriage has been overall very strong. My only complaint would be that we have next to nothing in common. He is a winter sports fan who loves the cold; I’m a summer person who lives for the heat. I love to travel, he is a homebody etc. We don’t have similar tastes in music or movies and our sense of humor is at opposite ends of the spectrum. Regardless, he is a wonderful husband who puts effort into our marriage.

I don't understand this. It sounds like you're roommates. What makes you two click if not having anything in common? The sex? Does he financially provide a better life for you? You can't just say "my only complaint" and then throw in a smorgasbord of things a couple should, at the very least, share a few interests within.

 

Regardless, what benefit do you think your husband would get with you in you telling him you wanna jump your ex's bones? Take some time and do some honest reflection with regard to where you are in your romantic life. Are you happy with your husband as a person or simply happy with him because he plays the role of husband well?

 

Aside from that, it's natural enough to have crushes. And you say the guy hasn't changed a bit, but you honestly have no insight into his intimately private life. Anyone can show up to a bonfire, have a couple beers, and be fun to have around. But if you think this crush could be indicative of a failing marriage, that's obviously got its own implications that you address with your husband completely separately from any emotional diarrhea regarding the high school sweetheart. And, especially if you feel your marriage is happy, it's really not a topic that needs broaching. If you know you're crushing, do the responsible thing yourself and limit your exposure and correspondence.

[Devriendt10]

I don't understand this. It sounds like you're roommates. What makes you two click if not having anything in common? The sex? Does he financially provide a better life for you? You can't just say "my only complaint" and then throw in a smorgasbord of things a couple should, at the very least, share a few interests within.

 

Regardless, what benefit do you think your husband would get with you in you telling him you wanna jump your ex's bones? Take some time and do some honest reflection with regard to where you are in your romantic life. Are you happy with your husband as a person or simply happy with him because he plays the role of husband well?

 

Aside from that, it's natural enough to have crushes. And you say the guy hasn't changed a bit, but you honestly have no insight into his intimately private life. Anyone can show up to a bonfire, have a couple beers, and be fun to have around. But if you think this crush could be indicative of a failing marriage, that's obviously got its own implications that you address with your husband completely separately from any emotional diarrhea regarding the high school sweetheart. And, especially if you feel your marriage is happy, it's really not a topic that needs broaching. If you know you're crushing, do the responsible thing yourself and limit your exposure and correspondence.

 

All of these are excellent points. My husband and I do have great sex when it happens. Our finances are about equal (I work and make decent money). My husband and I don't get much time together since he works so much at the family business. He works 7 days per week (every other week he will take a Tuesday off) and typically leaves around 7am and doesn't get home until 7pm (sometimes later). For that reason I don't think that we got the chance to do a lot of things that most couples get to do. So, perhaps there are still things that we can learn about eachother, but that is another topic for another time (and could very well be a root problem). I should have said "my major complaint".

 

Thank you for the insight.

[pippy longstocking]

I met my current husband at 22.

 

I think subconsciously this says it all .....current