sorry, kinda long. never get my feelings out

[lcimi7smiley]

im at my wits end i jest feel like giving up. ive been homeless since september. my ma jest died right before christmas. i had twin miscarreges. i have no family. my dad continues his attempts to abbuse me. i survive only off of drugs. the physc ward wont acctept me. i jest go in circles with my boyfriend. i have been mensturating for two months straight and no doc will see me let alone a hospital accept me. all my "friends" are in jail or dead. i thought i ws going to at least live until 36, but my brother the only i feel sometimes that loves me pays attention to me and knows me better than i do at times, sadly tells me im prob going around 20-2 years from now. im an insomniac no one will give me anything to sleep. i have tried every approach. being nice, innocent, straight forward, now im jest turning cold and heartless. no one in this world seems to care bout much. the things i see everyday being homeless. ive not only herd i seen and lived all the cruel stories of this society and honeslty im ashamed to have the title of being human. i use to be an angel-the most dependable, respectful, honest, sweet, caring, loveing girl anyone ever knew. than i had to see the world. I look like im 16, my insides feel like they are 60, and i have the mind of 50 year old. i put people in tears when they hear my day, all they can say is thats horrific. i have no choice but to stop caring. i can give u the easiest -scary thats the word i use- delima. i

fall for a guy. i put aside all the minute factors-sowhat he smokes crack. he was a nice guy. for heavens sake a crack addict respected me more than my straight edged fiance. we both made a mistake. my mistake i smoked crack, and i left earth for the moment. he smoked more crack in 1 hour than he does in a day. so while my mind was out playing in la-la land. My body had sex with him. I came back to earth and freaked. I had sex with a crack addict i had known for 2 days. I dipped. But i still felt for him But yet i feared him, i thought he was done with me. I get a call a week lata. He is in jail for selling the rock-then he is in rehab- now. He wants to be with me. So now im like everyone else in society. i want nothing to do with the un talked about- when i am still the untalked about . im hiding my feelings cause i need to conform with the rest of society and be a leeming with them all. But time every time i step outside of my "house" i grew up in and see my neighbors, the last thing i want ot do is to conform to this horrible society where my "friend" gets pulled over intoxicated on three different drugs, for doing figure eights on a retirement communites golf course at 3 in the mornin. and the cops say to them"whoever drank the least, and smoked the least u drive" when none have licenses, two of them underage, and i couldn't imagine anyone walking a straight line. Do i really want to conform to that society, If i dont i stay tru to reality , but i get bullied by this conformed insane society where anyone can foster a child for some coke money. Or i can jest escape it all with a nice noose around my neck. that is my easy problem. ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

[Alabama]

Reality is harsh and that's the sad truth. Do you have a job? It sounds like with all the drugs you've taken, that you don't. If you can, rehab might be your best bet. Not everyone in the world will hate you, but not everyone will love you. I suggest just try to live your life, because you still have a chance to survive. And anything is better than death. PM if you want anymore advice.