Splitting the bill

[journeynow]

My grandmom told me that the man always paid unless it was his birthday or Christmas lol I almost didn't want to date after that

 

Right. In my grandmother's day, it was common for women to lose their jobs when they got married. The thinking was that jobs should go to heads of households.

[Batya33]

My husband enjoyed treating and we have an equal marriage and had an equal relationship. No taking advantage on either side. I often insisted on treating/found ways to treat. When we got married I was a full time parent for over 7 years and contributed to the family income from my savings, because I wanted to not because I was asked to. I don't think it's right to assume that a person so wants to treat more than the other person is doing so for a negative or harmful reason or doesn't know his own mind etc. or that if it's because the person is more traditional they it means he's traditional in every way.

[thorough]

I do pick up the whole tab every once in a while haha I guess maybe I just need to stop doing that and just have things split always or take turns.

 

Has he ever picked up the tab? If he hasn't, he is a cheapskate. Before anyone calls me a gold digger, just read on. No I do not expect my bf pay for me every time, but then again he never expects me to either. Every time we go out, we take turns picking up the tab (or split), when we 1st started dating he picked up the tab. Its really not fair if he never picks up the tab and doesn't say anything when you do. I dated a total cheapskate (never ever again), he was fine spending money on himself and didn't mind coming over for dinner quite a few times a week. The 1st time I went over to his place, he served me a glass of juice, no snacks, no lunch no nothing else. I feel as though both partners should spoil each other and even if he has payments, you could do something small. When everything is split down to the penny, I don't feel like I am in a romantic relationship. See what happens, but if he is cheap, he will never change.

[Honeycomb8]

Yes, it's not about a guy spending money and you doing nothing. But him wanting to get 50/50 each time is just a downer and makes things seem platonic.

 

I dated more than one cheap guy. I learnt a lot from it. I'm a generous person, and I think it should go both ways. If he's so stingy with money, it says a lot about his personality.

[thorough]

Yes, it's not about a guy spending money and you doing nothing. But him wanting to get 50/50 each time is just a downer and makes things seem platonic.

 

I dated more than one cheap guy. I learnt a lot from it. I'm a generous person, and I think it should go both ways. If he's so stingy with money, it says a lot about his personality.

 

In my experience a person stingy w/money has been stingy w/other things when it comes to a relationship.

[Honeycomb8]

^ Yes definitely. Tight fisted with money will often be that they're tight fisted with emotions.

[j.man]

Or that, five months in and both of them being a blip in each other's lives, he'd like to keep things equitable rather than invest disproportionately. I don't understand in what world equality means "tight fisted."

[Honeycomb8]

Shouting her dinner/ lunch once is not the end of the world. I'm assuming by 5 months, they've been out on many dinners. He couldn't do it once?

[danewillow]

I dated, and am in a ldr with a man who wanted to split everything. His ex wife was awful with finances and he ended up burned by it. He was working his way out of the mess she left him (foreclosure and bankruptcy). I have no problem splitting things or paying my own way. After a while it became more of an exchange of I pay this time, you pay next. I knew he was on a strict budget so I didn't fuss over any of the money issues.

 

Maybe there's a reason he's like this. He may have learned from his ex not to blow his whole paycheck on someone who isn't willing to reciprocate.

 

BTW, the man I mentioned has not been stingy in any other way.

[Maddyb12]

Has he ever picked up the tab? If he hasn't, he is a cheapskate. Before anyone calls me a gold digger, just read on. No I do not expect my bf pay for me every time, but then again he never expects me to either. Every time we go out, we take turns picking up the tab (or split), when we 1st started dating he picked up the tab. Its really not fair if he never picks up the tab and doesn't say anything when you do. I dated a total cheapskate (never ever again), he was fine spending money on himself and didn't mind coming over for dinner quite a few times a week. The 1st time I went over to his place, he served me a glass of juice, no snacks, no lunch no nothing else. I feel as though both partners should spoil each other and even if he has payments, you could do something small. When everything is split down to the penny, I don't feel like I am in a romantic relationship. See what happens, but if he is cheap, he will never change.

 

He has picked up the whole bill a few times. At the beginning he definitely did more so than I did, then he purchased his truck and I guess we got more comfortable and somewhere along the lines we started splitting things. Exactly how I feel though splitting is not romantic I would almost prefer to just take the whole tab then do the whole "can you swipe it down the middle?" Thing.

[Maddyb12]

Shouting her dinner/ lunch once is not the end of the world. I'm assuming by 5 months, they've been out on many dinners. He couldn't do it once?

 

We go out pretty frequently whether it be a sit down restaurant or grabbing a sandwich at subway. But it's probably been three months since he picked up one of the more expensive meals. I guess somehow it's started to just make me feel not special.

[Maddyb12]

This morning is really where everything started to frustrate me. Today is my birthday and we woke up and just happened to have some time to grab breakfast before I went to work (wasn't planned) and we still split the 30 dollar check... yes he bought me a birthday present and spent a decent amount but that gesture really annoyed me. We walked up to pay and he hadn't offer to pay for it so I just said "split?" And he was like sounds good. He sounds like a jerk and he's really not he is thoughtful and a good boyfriend to me.

[Honeycomb8]

Wow ^

 

That would be the end of my relationship. It's the thought not about the amount of money.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't know. My POV is different. If you split everything and haven't talked to him about anything, why would he do anything different?

 

My love language is very much not gifts/purchases so I can't relate. That doesn't seem thoughtless or like he's a bad boyfriend to me, especially if it's just how you do things now.

 

Which is why you need to talk about it.

 

But happy birthday

[Batya33]

This morning is really where everything started to frustrate me. Today is my birthday and we woke up and just happened to have some time to grab breakfast before I went to work (wasn't planned) and we still split the 30 dollar check... yes he bought me a birthday present and spent a decent amount but that gesture really annoyed me. We walked up to pay and he hadn't offer to pay for it so I just said "split?" And he was like sounds good. He sounds like a jerk and he's really not he is thoughtful and a good boyfriend to me.

 

I think this is less about splitting the bill and gender and more about how this reflects how he treats you generally - I don't think he necessarily has to pay for breakfast that was unplanned just because it was your birthday - he might choose to treat to other meals. Also it seems to me - $30 for a quick before work breakfast -that somehow seems like a lot unless you're doing a 50% tip or something.

[journeynow]

I would prefer to take turns.

 

I think this is about communication. Suggest taking turns doing the inviting/choosing location/treating each other, and then when it is your turn, follow through with your intent.

 

It's a point in your relationship where you make progress together, or evaluate your level of interest.

[abitbroken]

This morning is really where everything started to frustrate me. Today is my birthday and we woke up and just happened to have some time to grab breakfast before I went to work (wasn't planned) and we still split the 30 dollar check... yes he bought me a birthday present and spent a decent amount but that gesture really annoyed me. We walked up to pay and he hadn't offer to pay for it so I just said "split?" And he was like sounds good. He sounds like a jerk and he's really not he is thoughtful and a good boyfriend to me.

 

Seriously, girl? Its your birthday and you split the bill?? But then again, its your fault too because you said "Split" I would have said "i really have enjoyed everything you have done for my birthday and i appreciate you taking me to breakfast. And don't pick up the bill -- its your freaking birthday. I would have not put any money down. I am sure you will pay for his birthday. if you were out with a female friend, i would say differently. I would let him ask me if i would pay for half - i would not offer up front.

 

This is what i think you should do -- talk to him about alternating or whoever invites pays.

 

In a relationship if you are splitting the bill down to the penny every single time its frustrating, especially if you use plastic. Who pays depends on who has the cash -- he may throw in the 20 and i may throw in the 7 singles and the tip. Or he may just have plastic and i'' will pick up the $10 bill whatever. Or whoever just went to the bank. Its not like you are going for lobster and expecting him to pay. If the bill is under $20 for pete's sake, just someone pick it up, the other person gets the tip. if you were going to a fancy place where you have 4 waiters or something.

[Maddyb12]

Seriously, girl? Its your birthday and you split the bill?? But then again, its your fault too because you said "Split" I would have said "i really have enjoyed everything you have done for my birthday and i appreciate you taking me to breakfast. And don't pick up the bill -- its your freaking birthday. I would have not put any money down. I am sure you will pay for his birthday. if you were out with a female friend, i would say differently. I would let him ask me if i would pay for half - i would not offer up front.

 

This is what i think you should do -- talk to him about alternating or whoever invites pays.

 

In a relationship if you are splitting the bill down to the penny every single time its frustrating, especially if you use plastic. Who pays depends on who has the cash -- he may throw in the 20 and i may throw in the 7 singles and the tip. Or he may just have plastic and i'' will pick up the $10 bill whatever. Or whoever just went to the bank. Its not like you are going for lobster and expecting him to pay. If the bill is under $20 for pete's sake, just someone pick it up, the other person gets the tip. if you were going to a fancy place where you have 4 waiters or something.

 

I know I realize it's my fault too for offering. He would have paid it all had I not said anything but I felt like I should lol. For the most part I initiate the "I'll just pay this one you can get the next" but if I don't initiate this we just split. I just don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing up my frustration over this because in the grand scheme of things he is very good to me. I think next time we go out I might bring it up that I would prefer to just take the whole check and he could get the next Or that I am getting frustrating with always splitting when we could take turns.

[katrina1980]

I know I realize it's my fault too for offering. He would have paid it all had I not said anything but I felt like I should lol. For the most part I initiate the "I'll just pay this one you can get the next" but if I don't initiate this we just split. I just don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing up my frustration over this because in the grand scheme of things he is very good to me. I think next time we go out I might bring it up that I would prefer to just take the whole check and he could get the next Or that I am getting frustrating with always splitting when we could take turns.

 

Maddy, my only advice to you at this point (and I mean no offense) is to not play the victim card and then complain later, to us or anyone.

 

When something troubles you, communicate with him immediately, do not let it fester. Will only lead to more frustration which is never good.

 

You also sound very passive and I will tell you from experience that will get you absolutely no where, in your RLs or in life.

 

Speak up for heaven's sake. Not in such a way that you convey frustration, but rather in an HONEST way that conveys you trust he is open to new and different ways of interacting together.

 

If you're too afraid to speak up and tell him what troubles you, or suggesting new and different ways of doing things or interacting, for fear of hurting his feelings, I wish you luck because again that approach will get you nowhere but continued frustration and unhappiness.

 

All that said, Happy Belated Birthday!

 

I hope you enjoyed it together despite the issue with the bill.

[j.man]

I don't get why you even have to bring up your frustration. Just ask if you can switch up instead of splitting. It's kinda perplexing this whole thread has gone by and we're now finding out you never even no-drama just asked him to go with that method instead. Look, personally, I almost consider it stubborn to a fault if folks are that stuck on sticking to their part of the bill vs. taking turns, but really there's absolutely nothing stopping you from saying, "Hey, I know it might be silly, but I've always preferred to just take turns. It just feels more personal to me." Make it about something that could make you happier rather than him doing something wrong.

 

What I do think is, practically speaking, splitting makes a bit more sense, at least while he's consciously budgeting for his larger-than-anticipated truck payments. Splitting gives him control over how much he wants to spend and eat and it leaves out the potential conflict of who thinks they paid for the last date. It's just a more sure thing. Trading off is great, and it's what my partner and I do. It does tend to put some faith on the law of averages kicking in sooner than later, which isn't always the case.

 

In any case, I don't see anything wrong with bringing the idea up nicely and calmly. I'm optimistic he won't find the distinction nearly as big a deal as you do and will go with it.

[fabact]

Why dont you suggest you guys take turns buying. It's just easier that way. I establish that pretty early on and I really like that. Once in a while my bf and I will split but mostly we go one me, one you. I also find it lame to split each bill then you're counting change and stuff and its just a buzz kill in my view.

[ASmash]

Thanks for everyone's reply. It's not about the money and me not wanting to spend it I guess it's just the splitting of the check that makes me feel strange when we're out, I would prefer to take turns. I also can't tell if I should be frustrated that he would pay for majority of things with his ex but with me he doesn't? I think he felt more obligated with her because her low income but he mentioned he didn't mind it because he had the money more than she did.

I was in this situation with an ex where we had lived together. It was the first time I started living in my own apartment and then had a live in girlfriend so I started tracking my money more. I also started feeling the pressure of having gigantic student loans. I totally understood where she felt like a business partner than a romantic partner that you seem to be feeling and I would purposefully pay for more things and paid more than 50% but she didn't perceive it as such because there were little expenses sometimes split (ex. A $7 Coke at Disneyland). Nearly all expenses were split and added to our shared Splitwise app (great app by the way). During arguments, i Ifelt that sometimes she felt entitled to money when she would argue that I am expected to pay more. As a guy, sometimes I appreciate when a woman does a fake purse grab to acknowledge that we are picking up the tab or just say thank you when we do. Ugh, I can go on and on about the fights we had. In sum, we just weren't on the same page and just decided to split everything. In hindsight, those disagreements stemmed from me not having a plan for my money.

 

In my current relationship with a new woman, we don't have the same money issues. I think it's because I started budgeting my money every month before I spend it. I basically tell my girlfriend how much I budget for our dates, eating out, trips etc. Before I spend it. In the past my "budgets" were more like tracking money but now my budgets are proactive monthly plans for my money. My girlfriend knows that once my budget is gone, it's gone, and she doesn't wonder whether I could have spent more. In the past, I had a general less specific idea of money, but the vagueness of my plan left my girlfriend wondering if I could have paid. In some ways, I manage her expectations because of my budget. It's based largely on financial guru Dave Ramsey's teaching on budgeting for married couples, but tweaked for us as a unmarried couple. Maybe that could be a way to be on the same page on money. The trade-off is slightly less spontenaity, but we don't argue about who spends what.

[Andrina]

You will never hurt someone's feelings using I statements, such as "I feel", versus blaming "you" statements, like "You always . . ." It's better not to bottle up how you really feel when on a scale of 1 to 10, your irritation is up on the high end of the scale, which it is, since you're posting the question on a forum.

 

You have to think about how this aspect of his viewpoint might affect other things. If you were sick in bed with the flu and he asked what he could do to help and you asked him to pick up Nyquil for you, would he expect to be paid back for the medicine? As for me, I'd want to do something nice for my man and wouldn't take any money for the Nyquil, even if he offered to pay me, and I'd expect the same from him. If you moved in together, would he be this for tat about groceries? Would he say he wasn't paying half because you like expensive deli meat that he doesn't eat? Would he say he wouldn't pay half for the cable because he doesn't watch that many channels? If he bought a pack of cookies and you ate two, would he feel like he'd been stolen from?

 

Just letting you know to look out for things like this, which are very telling in a relationship. I do have a gf whose ex, we'll call him Frank, was like your man with splitting the bill. Once, I went out to dinner with them and another couple. I arrived late and only got a piece of pie. When the bill came, the male in the other couple said to Frank, "Shall you and I split the bill and pay for the ladies?" Frank said "no." My gf was so embarrassed about his cheapness. He went to the bathroom and she actually paid the bill. On Valentines Day, he said he didn't believe in buying his gf stuff because of the commercialism blah blah, so when all her friends were receiving a card and chocolates, etc., she got nothing. He couldn't spend $7 to make her happy because of basically being cheap.

 

I can't believe on your b-day that he wouldn't think to splurge and treat you for breakfast. Even if you did offer, he should've said, "No, honey. Of course not. It's your special day."

 

As you emerge from the honeymoon period, keep a lookout for behavior that is egregious. What you see is what you get, so don't keep hoping for a person to change, and think about if he doesn't change, if you can live a lifetime with someone like this. Always speak up about your needs. If a person cares and your request is reasonable, he will want to please you. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[Honeycomb8]

You will never hurt someone's feelings using I statements, such as "I feel", versus blaming "you" statements, like "You always . . ." It's better not to bottle up how you really feel when on a scale of 1 to 10, your irritation is up on the high end of the scale, which it is, since you're posting the question on a forum.

 

You have to think about how this aspect of his viewpoint might affect other things. If you were sick in bed with the flu and he asked what he could do to help and you asked him to pick up Nyquil for you, would he expect to be paid back for the medicine? As for me, I'd want to do something nice for my man and wouldn't take any money for the Nyquil, even if he offered to pay me, and I'd expect the same from him. If you moved in together, would he be this for tat about groceries? Would he say he wasn't paying half because you like expensive deli meat that he doesn't eat? Would he say he wouldn't pay half for the cable because he doesn't watch that many channels? If he bought a pack of cookies and you ate two, would he feel like he'd been stolen from?

 

Just letting you know to look out for things like this, which are very telling in a relationship. I do have a gf whose ex, we'll call him Frank, was like your man with splitting the bill. Once, I went out to dinner with them and another couple. I arrived late and only got a piece of pie. When the bill came, the male in the other couple said to Frank, "Shall you and I split the bill and pay for the ladies?" Frank said "no." My gf was so embarrassed about his cheapness. He went to the bathroom and she actually paid the bill. On Valentines Day, he said he didn't believe in buying his gf stuff because of the commercialism blah blah, so when all her friends were receiving a card and chocolates, etc., she got nothing. He couldn't spend $7 to make her happy because of basically being cheap.

 

I can't believe on your b-day that he wouldn't think to splurge and treat you for breakfast. Even if you did offer, he should've said, "No, honey. Of course not. It's your special day."

 

As you emerge from the honeymoon period, keep a lookout for behavior that is egregious. What you see is what you get, so don't keep hoping for a person to change, and think about if he doesn't change, if you can live a lifetime with someone like this. Always speak up about your needs. If a person cares and your request is reasonable, he will want to please you. Take care and let us know how it goes.

 

That's what I worry about too.

 

My long term ex was very stingy. Yes, he would occasionally take me out to fine dining restaurants and on special occasions give me gifts, but most of the time we used to split every meal. Even with movies, it took him a long time to get to a point where he was buying my ticket, and that's IF I buy him dinner as an exchange. I was very generous towards him, and sometimes his stinginess left me absolutely speechless. Once, we were having dinner at this nice place because he felt like treating me. Through the night, something set him off and because of his moods, we went to the counter and he told the waitress he wanted to split. I remember the waitress looking at him in mild disgust. I just kept looking down. Through the two plus years we were together, I mastered the art of the nonchalant expression when he tells the cashier we're going to split. Sometimes, it can get alittle embarrassing, in certain places. Quite a few times at the start, he would say 'you owe me a coffee' and only very seldom would he buy me a coffee. He'd be cool with me paying for dinner, but he'd had an problem if it was him paying. He'd often jokingly say, 'you're getting dinner for us tonight.'

He has an amazing job for his age, and is earning a really good salary, but it's a personality trait more than anything.

 

He wanted me to move in with him at one stage, but I just knew it'd just mean we'd split everything down the middle for everything, even though he is probably earning nearly triple what I earn. He didn't worry about having me pick him up and drive places (he doesn't really know how to drive) but still saw everything as me paying half. My parents thought it was an issue because they weren't like that at all.

 

When we went travelling, I ultimately spent more than him. I don't obsess over money the same way, and it really takes away from experiences when things are like that. It feels petty and tacky.

 

The current guy (I'm abit on and off with him atm) is generous. I insist on paying for some dinners, but all in all, money isn't the focal point. He doesn't see it like you have to keep a tally in your head. He's easy going about it.

[Unreasonable]

If I was dating again, ideally I'd split the bill every time, or pay every other time. Maybe if there was a huge income disparity and she was more frugal and not suggesting expensive restaurants all the time I would pay more. I probably wouldn't pay the whole thing until we were married and pooled our incomes.