She Left without Saying Goodbye

[maynestage]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I have been having certain personal issues, and she suggested i focus on my these issues while she takes a step back and give me my space. I think she fears that my personal issues will affect our relationship that i would dump her, so preemptively she may think that she has to dump me first. I know its immature but unfortunately that is how she thinks.

 

Anyway, I told her that I need her at my side, and do not want her to take a step back. Keep in mind, i was a little irritated with her because no matter how bad she had her own personal issues, I was always at her side. She agreed and then two days later she was going on a vacation.

 

So the day she arrives for her vacation, we text back and forth at hotel. Then i do not receive any more texts, and the next day she texts claiming she fell asleep. That same day i wanted to call her in the evening but she said she can only text. I was irritated and she replied why i am so angry. I did not want to fite so i just told her i am sad and i miss her. Then she never responds until the next morning claiming she swam with her waterproof phone, it had issues recharging, and its not working properly. Now she would never put her phone in the water. I just know her. But then again she was with friends, so she could not use their phone to inform me her phone is not working? Whatever.

 

After receiving that text, i then tried texting her back that morning. There was no response. I then email her and added a gmail plugin to see if she is receiving my emails. I emailed her all day, and the plug in clearly says she received and read my emails. She then responds in the evening claiming her phone has been in the hotel all day long and she just got my texts and emails. I called her out for lying and told i know she has been getting my emails during the day. Then she never responded that night nor the next day. So i texed her the next day with screenshots proving she is not telling the truth. She denies it and says she just wants to enjoy her vacation and not fight. I agreed and said fine, enjoy your vacation. I emailed her the next morning, and i noticed she blocked the read receipts through her settings. I called her out on it, and she then unblocked it to later block it the next day.

 

The last email i got from her was that she just wants to enjoy her vacation, that she misses me a lot, and i need to stop all these accusations. So i replied and said no problem, enjoy your vacation. She came back fro vacation 2 weeks ago, and i have not heard from her since. I am so devastated because how can someone you have been with for 4 years can just all of a sudden ignore you. She does not even have the courtesy to text or email me that she is done with our relationship. A part of me wanted to contact her but the fact that she would lie about something so stupid, and being evasive with me made me think she needs to explain herself but she just cowardly cut and run. I guess its dawning on me what type of person she is if she can do this to someone she supposedly loves.

 

Can anyone here please give me insight.

[loip9114]

Ok I do not wish to sound harsh so I will start with that. Please do not take this the wrong way.

 

But you really come on very strong, it is really harsh on her side to come back and not have any contact for 2 weeks. But do remember your own actions as well. You might be right, but also take into account you might be wrong.

If the contact you write down here was the contact you had during her vacation, all you've done is accusing her of things. Just take a step back and breath a little, because I think she might be angry at you and therefore she is ignoring you. Now that does not mean ignoring is mature, she should have said something about it by now.

 

Take this, your relationship is already in a fragile state, immature or not. You need to be able to communication clearly especially now. But during a vacation which she most likely needed to regain some energy, you were constantly in her space and giving off bad intent. You text back and forth and suddenly nothing, and instead of believing she is just enjoying herself for a while you get irritated for not receiving any attention. Maybe they wanted to try the waterproof phone out for just once, and it backfired. Curiousity, or she dropped it in and is embarrased to say it. Do you know if she knows your phonenumber by heart? Because she might not know it. you put it in your phone and never really look at it.

As for the emails, she could have left her phone in the hotel, and went out. The phone still receives the messages, but she hadn't read them yet. And when she was home late, she reads them.

 

My point is that during the whole vacation you've been really harsh towards her almost controlling and stalking. So naturally she might be very annoyed with you now and just does not wish to speak to you now. Perhaps you need to make a move here and ask for a conversation. I believe you might do well to apologize for your behaviour during her vacation. If you wish to even make a chance of reconciling this.

[BoredSamurai]

It's horrible how the one we love can completely turn against us, isn't it? And yet it does happen, and it's like we never mattered at all.

 

So she wants to take a step back to give you space while you resolve your issues, uh? I call that a load of bulls--t. She wanted out and she did it for her own selfish reasons, not for you. Her evasiveness, and then her ignoring you, are proof of that. Her behaviour is too weird and suspicious, and I wouldn't rule out the possibility she has already someone else. People do that all the time and some lie about it till the very end.

 

However, my advice is: don't investigate, don't contact her, don't ask your mutual friends if they know anything. Do literally nothing but shut her off you life. This is a very delicate phase of your break up: if there's still a chance to fix things, completely ignoring her is your best bet. And if there's no chance... you'd be already on your way in your healing process. Which will be a long, hard road full ups and downs and terrible days, unfortunately. But you've got to start from somewhere and once you're through the very first weeks, it's a bit easier. Now it's time for you to be selfish and to whatever it takes for you to feel better, regardless of what she may think/do.

[melancholy123]

Wow you really are a right fighter. Why did you have to pester her so much when she was on holiday? She was supposedly on holiday to enjoy herself not be bugged by you texting so much and demanding this and that and putting that plug in on so you knew she read your msgs. You need to lighten up!

[maynestage]

Ok I do not wish to sound harsh so I will start with that. Please do not take this the wrong way

 

Look, i could have easily just told that my girlfriend left me without saying goodbye. And just leave it at that but i need to be completely honest about the circumstances. She has been caught lying to me regarding texting and emailing issues. So these issues have been recurrent. But when I am on vacation, she expects me to call and text her everyday. And i have no issue with that. In addition, i let the issue go on her 2nd day of her vacation, and she had 5 remaining days left. I do admit it sounds controlling but this is the 1st time i have done something like this. Also, i do have personal issues that are very serious and this is the time where i really needed her support. But she does not care at all or it seems.

[maynestage]

It's horrible how the one we love can completely turn against us, isn't it?

 

The funny thing is when she has checked up on me, questioned me, accused me, or even caught me in lie, I was always repentant and try to make things rite. But when she gets caught in a lie, she gets very angry and so defensive that she is ready to break up thinking i will break up 1st. This is the 1st time though she just decides to cut and run and not even give me closure. So this time i am thinking maybe she has found someone else.

[maynestage]

Wow you really are a right fighter. Why did you have to pester her so much when she was on holiday? She was supposedly on holiday to enjoy herself not be bugged by you texting so much and demanding this and that and putting that plug in on so you knew she read your msgs. You need to lighten up!

 

The fact is she did not want to stick with me due to my personal issues so i am a little worried and desperate. However, that does not justify her leaving without saying goodbye. If the tables were turned, i would definitly end it with closure. I would feel so guilty to end it with her without saying goodbye. Keep in mind too, if i was a real fighter, i would continue pestering her throughout her vacation and when she got back. But i did not do that. I gave her the space of 6 days of vacation without talking to her. So i did keep the pestering to a limit.

[loip9114]

Look, i could have easily just told that my girlfriend left me without saying goodbye. And just leave it at that but i need to be completely honest about the circumstances. She has been caught lying to me regarding texting and emailing issues. So these issues have been recurrent. But when I am on vacation, she expects me to call and text her everyday. And i have no issue with that. In addition, i let the issue go on her 2nd day of her vacation, and she had 5 remaining days left. I do admit it sounds controlling but this is the 1st time i have done something like this. Also, i do have personal issues that are very serious and this is the time where i really needed her support. But she does not care at all or it seems.

 

Ok but hey you did not say that at first, then I would say why would you even want to stay with someone who is recurrently lying to you?

I do understand that your personal issues are at play, I do not wish to downgrade that. I believe most of this irritation definitely stems from that source. Still to me that is an explanation as to why you behave a certain way, it still does not justify it. I've also had major problems during relationships, still the behaviour I exhibited was not ok.

 

Look you asked for insight, based on the information you gave me this is my insight. Of course I have limited insight, I only go about what it says there. It is good you are honest about it.

 

But do understand that 1 time might already be enough to really break up something. Now if you wish to keep this relationship I'd say the best course of action is to regain contact, you haven't broken up yet. Because neither of you said those words. If you breakup by just disappearing, yes that is immature. So either try to fix it through a conversation and instead of accusing her simply talk from your position. Tell her you are sorry that you behave this way, but also tell her why you are currently in need of her emotional and mental support. If she honestly does not care to give you that and does not want to give you that. Well yeah that's a dealbreaker to be honest. Then she is to immature to have a relationship.

You might want to think about breaking up yourself if this is truly all the case as you say it is. But really break up, not just fall of the face of the earth.

 

So decide for yourself what you want, keep the relationship going or break up. Not this interim-breakup/relationship.

But again this is what I have to go by with the limited information.

[loip9114]

Ok you are the one who definitely knows best in this situation. You have all the information.

I would say take a deep breathe and think about what you want to do and what you need to do. Think about what it all means to you and what you need. If you think breaking up is best, then that might be best. You will survive the breakup, but if you wish to stay together you might need to work on that a bit.

 

Just really take a step back and calm down for a bit. You are desperate and irritated that shows, definitely. And it is understandable, you have your issues and you need the support now more than ever. But if it comes from someone who does not want to give it, she might break up with you down the line.

 

And of cousre I wish you the best with your issues and hope you can resolve them.

[maynestage]

Ok but hey you did not say that at first, then I would say why would you even want to stay with someone who is recurrently lying to you?

I do understand that your personal issues are at play, I do not wish to downgrade that. I believe most of this irritation definitely stems from that source. Still to me that is an explanation as to why you behave a certain way, it still does not justify it. I've also had major problems during relationships, still the behaviour I exhibited was not ok.

 

Look you asked for insight, based on the information you gave me this is my insight. Of course I have limited insight, I only go about what it says there. It is good you are honest about it.

 

And i do appreciate your honesty. The thing is the last message i got from her is that she misses me a lot and wants to enjoy her vacation. I responded that i miss her too, and told her to enjoy her vacation. And i have not heard from her since. Does she really miss me or did i just get played? I guess i am scared to reach out to her because i know how she is, she will think she has the upper hand and instead of resolving the issue, she will use tactics to make me beg to even talk to her. She will turn it around and say i ignored het. But you are right, why be with someone who is like this.

[shessofly]

She said she wanted to take a step back (I assume to break up, or take a 'break' which is pretty much the same thing). In my opinion when a person takes it there, they have already begun to check out (or are checked out) emotionally, but you would not let her go. You talked her out of it because you don't want it. She agrees, possibly out of guilt which means it may not have been a sincere change of heart for her. She goes on vacation and you push, push and push some more, arguing with her, accusing her, tracking her phone activity. Too much for the person who is quite possibly checking out of the relationship and makes them want to get further away.

 

While it is awful that she has disappeared on you she did try to end it previously and you would not let her. I understand you are going through some things and very sorry to hear that, but if she has a habit of lying why do you want to be with her? She doesn't sound like someone you can trust. What I was thinking as I read how insistent you were was that you feel insecure and don't trust her.

 

You are right she may have found someone else, and is using your personal issues as a scapegoat, but your time to get closure was when she initially tried to break it off. Perhaps she is still annoyed and will pop back in once she has had time to cool off. You may have to swallow your pride and reach out, although I'm not sure I would advise that either. Do you live in the same area?

[maynestage]

She said she wanted to take a step back (I assume to break up, or take a 'break' which is pretty much the same thing). In my opinion when a person takes it there, they have already begun to check out (or are checked out) emotionally, but you would not let her go. You talked her out of it because you don't want it. She agrees, possibly out of guilt which means it may not have been a sincere change of heart for her.

 

Ok to be honest, i have a serious health issue, not life threatening nor does it affect our relationship. She basically wanted to stay on the sidelines until my health issues clear up. I guess i was hurt because she needed me when she had health issues thinking it was cancer, but it was not.

 

Now going back to the emailing and texting issue, i think she set me up to have fight. She has a habit of doing things to get a reaction out of me. But again, i cannot act nonchalant, i do have feelings. She does have a habit of playing games, and a part of does think she has borderline personality disorder. There is a possibility that she believes my health issues may too much that she fears i will dump her so maybe that is why she is waiting to see how my health issues fare without us breaking up. But that is ridiculous.

 

All i know is love should be unconditional, and if she cannot be here for me because she has certain fears, then she will discard me so me contacting her will do no good. She will just make things worse. But again, i am shocked i have not received 1 word from her especially since her last message to me was how much she missed me.

 

We pretty much live in the same metropolitan city area.

[shessofly]

THat is terrible. You need someone who is committed through the good and the bad, not just when it's convenient for them.

[maynestage]

And to add insult to injury, she wanted me to lend 100 bucks to her before she goes on vacation which i obliged. But she does not even have the decency to pay me back. That is why i am wondering, did she plan before her vacation to leave me without saying goodbye. I really do not care about the money, but its just the principle. So you can see how devastated i am that she totally played.

 

I was never abusive toward her, maintained regular communication, i always told her sweet comments, wrote her poems, gave her flowers, and satisfied her sexual needs before my own. I did everything a good boyfriend is suppose, and this is what i get in return. That is why im thinking why contact her, let karma just do its thing.

[wom360]

I'd bet money she was with a new guy on vacation. That's why the ignored calls and texts.

[MissCanuck]

She was already done before this vacation. You pushing and arguing and being a pain in the neck while she was away didn't help matters, but I don't think it ultimately did much more damage as she sounds she was already checked out.

 

I agree she could have at least got in touch with you on after she returned. It would have been the respectful thing to end it formally. However, it sounds as though this relationship wasn't the healthiest either. You say she's a known liar and manipulated you in the past to get a reaction out of you. You resorted to demanding replies from her when she was clearly wanting space on her holiday. Neither of you was happy anymore, it seems.

 

I'm not so sure she wanted to break up out of fears that you would end it, though. Did she say that, or is that your assumption? To me, it sounds more like the relationship had run its course for a number of reasons and she didn't have the stones to come out and say she no longer felt the same way.

[BoredSamurai]

At least pressure her into giving you back the $ 100 she owes you. You have no reason to show any kindness towards her, take back what's yours and then tell her to f--- off.

[loip9114]

And i do appreciate your honesty. The thing is the last message i got from her is that she misses me a lot and wants to enjoy her vacation. I responded that i miss her too, and told her to enjoy her vacation. And i have not heard from her since. Does she really miss me or did i just get played? I guess i am scared to reach out to her because i know how she is, she will think she has the upper hand and instead of resolving the issue, she will use tactics to make me beg to even talk to her. She will turn it around and say i ignored het. But you are right, why be with someone who is like this.

 

Ah now I get it a lot better, with the other posts and this information. Yes then I am on your side, this is immature but even worse this is manipulative. If she constantly turns things around to make it your fault instead of hers etc. Yeah that manipulation, that's something you definitely cannot accept. You might have been played yes. I would advice to stay away, as hard as that can be. Because all these negative kind of things you do not need in your life right now.

She won't be the real support you desire her to be, as she does not desire it herself. You cannot make her desire that, as in it's just impossible to do (not as in morally not right).

 

As for the money, yeah try to pressure her to give it back. But you might want to cut your lose at some point. It sucks, but you'll earn it back some day. It is just money, I get the principle. You can see it as you paid her a 100 to get the f*ck out of your life.

And you can decide for yourself, to breakup in person or allow this to continue. I would say think about it carefull and do the thing you know you won't regret. Because you do not need that as well.

 

Sorry if I sounded harsh yesterday, I acted on the information presented. But with the extra information, you are in the right. This is immature, manipulative and just overaly cr*p behaviour.

Best of luck to you and I wish you good health!

[maynestage]

And she also used my money to finance her trip.

[maynestage]

I'm not so sure she wanted to break up out of fears that you would end it, though. Did she say that, or is that your assumption? To me, it sounds more like the relationship had run its course for a number of reasons and she didn't have the stones to come out and say she no longer felt the same way.

 

Her breaking up out of fear has been a constant problem in our relationship. However, when we did break up, she would fear i would find someone else, and she could not tolerate that and we would get back. But if she has a backup supply, then her leaving without saying goodbye seems more plausible.

 

I am thinking more and more she does have traits of BPD. In fact, years ago she had gone to a psychiatrist due to personal issues ago but she was very secretive about what was said. I dont know other than i think she really pulled a number on me this time.

[MissCanuck]

Her breaking up out of fear has been a constant problem in our relationship. However, when we did break up, she would fear i would find someone else, and she could not tolerate that and we would get back. But if she has a backup supply, then her leaving without saying goodbye seems more plausible.

 

I am thinking more and more she does have traits of BPD. In fact, years ago she had gone to a psychiatrist due to personal issues ago but she was very secretive about what was said. I dont know other than i think she really pulled a number on me this time.

 

My ex is diagnosed BPD, so I understand what you mean.

 

One of the best things I've ever done for myself was to walk away for good. You need to do the same.

[BrokenGator]

The funny thing is when she has checked up on me, questioned me, accused me, or even caught me in lie, I was always repentant and try to make things rite. But when she gets caught in a lie, she gets very angry and so defensive that she is ready to break up thinking i will break up 1st. This is the 1st time though she just decides to cut and run and not even give me closure. So this time i am thinking maybe she has found someone else.

I know you've been with her for four years but she's not long term relationship material. You should be able to still express your opinions and concerns even though she's on vacation, especially if you caught her in lies. Move on from her, she's a waste of your time.