Guys...I've done it again

[thealchemist]

Yes, this. Just imagine your body not "reacting" (it actually is reacting, by being numb), almost like I am "playing dead" in those situations. It is very weird to see people's reactions to that, even their facial expressions I can tell they are seeing something "unusual". Sometimes I'm like "how can other people even enjoy this?" I think the only way I'm gonna be ok with it is someone who I can tell, someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't get all "reject-y".

I agree with you.

 

Only with a guy who you feel comfortable enough with to be open about this is it going to get better.

 

That "playing possum" thing is actually something I have heard of several times.

 

You just need a lot more connection and openness with the guy before you will be able to have a good experience.

[cherubrock]

Hello everyone

 

it's been quite the while...I have been feeling, needless to say, strange lately..

it's like I can't stand it no more not feeling a sexual feeling..not feeling "turned on"...I'm getting fed up with this numbness. My body feels sort of "stiff" or "wooden" it's hard to explain. Sometimes when Im sitting I feel a weird subtle tension (not sexual) down there...like if its wound up in a knot.

 

I went out with some friends and this guy had been randomly following us throughout the night and I was about to leave for the subway so we kissed and I actually liked it, I was turned on! I don't know why, I wasn't exactly attracted to him or anything, I had been drinking tho.

 

Also I still think about the guy I posted about in my original post... I know crazy, I don't understand it, and yes we have been in contact somewhat. But I don't think he can help me or anything because he doesn't want to talk or think about my issues, its only about his feelings and issues.

 

I went to meet someone from a dating app today and the date was pretty normal, he was ok physically, cute but not as good as the pictures, decent conversation, I did told him I have had only one partner, it felt good to tell him that, also some awkward silences and some kissing at the end but this time I didn't feel anything, I don't know if it was nerves?

 

I just am not sure what to do about my issue. Just keep going on dates to see if I like something? I guess also I can try self pleasuring? I don't want to be weighed down by this. It would be nice to find someone like me. The last time I hung out with some friends they started talking about sex and one asked me "have you been abused by someone in your family :icon_sad:" how do you think all this makes me feel? I try not to let it get to me.

 

I don't know if I have disassociation or something...but my life is just mostly going through the motions. I want to have a more physical existence. I don't like being the one that isn't talked about in my family....if you know what I mean, not just my family but any group of people. It's not obvious but then it just hit me, that I'm not talked about in the family...i'm starting to see that the problem has something to do with my upbringing, maybe I haven't detached from my mother...and still trying to get her approval, she was strict with me as a kid with studies and would do my projects (sometimes almost all herself) and was tough about grades. I'm 28 and still haven't lived away.

Thanks everyone who has replied here and I really appreciate you.

[Jibralta]

I want to have a more physical existence.

 

That's an interesting statement, considering your recent past. Maybe it was part of the driving force behind your behavior?

 

The numbness and dissociation that you are experiencing could be caused by depression. Have you seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

[cherubrock]

That's an interesting statement, considering your recent past. Maybe it was part of the driving force behind your behavior?

 

The numbness and dissociation that you are experiencing could be caused by depression. Have you seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

 

Yes I also believe it was the driving force behind those erratic sexual behaviors. But of course that didn't work for me...

 

So my sexual dysfunction is caused by depression?

I don't want to fear/hate sex, because that's what I feel leads to "frigidity".

[Jibralta]

Actually, I was thinking that your desire to feel like you have a physical existence was the driving force behind your erratic sexual behavior, and that your depression is what was making you numb.

 

On top of this, you have a fear of being frigid. That could be another driving force behind your erratic sexual behavior.

[cherubrock]

Actually, I was thinking that your desire to feel like you have a physical existence was the driving force behind your erratic sexual behavior, and that your depression is what was making you numb.

 

On top of this, you have a fear of being frigid. That could be another driving force behind your erratic sexual behavior.

 

Yeah, it was a driving force and I guess still is. I mean, I guess if I got aroused and didn't experience the "numbness? I wouldn't be "depressed" I actually think I should be more depressed than I actually am given my circumstance, in the sense of being more bed-riddden, not going out at all, being unemployed and not caring etc.

 

I'm not sure what you mean, I already am "frigid" so i'm fearing what I'm already going through? Should I not let it bother me at all?

[cherubrock]

I don't know how to go about life with my issue. It really seems overwhelming at times. I feel I can't tell others about this, but I also don't want to "hide" it. My body feels inert and lifeless. Having sex with me is like having sex with a sex doll, but worse because I'm supposed to be human. I feel this problems is "too much" and I don't want to burden, scare, disturb/change other people's life views by telling them. I feel like I should keep away from men who want to have sex with me. I have been cutting off sexual encounters/dates. Masturbation is pretty boring.

[thealchemist]

Do you think you are just very asexual and you are trying for something because of social pressures but it isn't something for you?

[cherubrock]

What is the definition of asexual?

I don't think I was born like this...there are some asexuals who enjoy sex they just aren't very interested in it. I remember a neighbor guy when I was a teen, we flirted a lot and fooled around and teased each other(not sex) and I would get very aroused. I want to enjoy sex but my body doesn't "allow" me. The part of doing it because this is "what you do" in relationships is true though...all those "encounters" that didn't turn out well for me, they occurred somewhat for that reason, social pressure.

I hadn't seen my friend for a bit, she has since moved in with an acquaintance and I meet them and she was something like "there's the quasi-virgin"

[thealchemist]

Well I personally developed a lot of my sexuality by myself before I ever experienced it with another.

 

Can you get yourself aroused solo?

 

I am not some sexpert here, but I think I would try to get a worthwhile sexual experience by myself before I attempted it with others.

 

Then work to incorporate another into it.

 

I am a guy and I honestly don't get sexually aroused by many woman at all. Definitely need a good connection to allow myself to have that lust for another.

 

You might just be similar to that and you haven't allowed a good strong relationship to blossom before having the sexual component added.

 

Asexuality is really just the lack of sexual attraction. It doesn't seem to be your case. It is more like your sexuality is trapped and doesn't manifest itself typically.

[cherubrock]

I have been masturbating since I was a child. But for me personally, it doesn't feel the same kind of arousal that another person can give me, I don't know if its like that with men.

So you rarely see a woman and think 'man she is good looking"???

 

I'm gonna try using my vibrator more. But if I feel like I'm "trying" I don't think I'll ever bring myself to finish..

 

you are right I haven't really allowed a good relationship to blossom before the sexual component. Masturbation lately is just sometimes hard to get into.

[cherubrock]

Hello everyone, its good to be back. I have new stories to tell.

[cherubrock]

Why am I frozen ?

[Capricorn3]

Why am I frozen ?

 

Over a year ago I suggested therapy and you said you think it's time to look into it. Have you done so yet? If not WHY not? I honestly think therapy (for a good long while) is your only answer here because no-one can help you with these issues, except a trained professional (imo).

[bluecastle]

Are the new stories different from the old stories?

[cherubrock]

Hi Bluecastle,

 

Yes and no. The different part is that I dated someone new after my "ex", but the actual sex act I was numb. Some of the "foreplay" was enjoyable at times. This is the second guy I have been with sexually. I had to take a break after 2 and a half months because I wasn't "feeling it", I felt like I was doing the whole thing just to do it...almost like I was sorta "emotionless" thru out the whole time, I was sort of feeling elated the first 2/3 weeks but then it's like his texts to see me again started to feel like an obligation...or like a bother. I don't think there was much compatibility, he is older, 41 years old and he lied about his age when I first met him.

 

My mom suggested I don't tell him about my sex issue, saying it will get "better with time" and that the "goal" is to have a man at my side to go thru life. But to me that is kinda crazy...it's kind of like I'm keeping that from him..like I'm "lying"??? I don't want to do that in a relationship...but I also feel I cannot tell him or ANY MAN about it. Hell, I cannot tell ANY PERSON. But I don't want a bad sex life or pretend just to have a "relationship"

[cherubrock]

I believe this "sexual problem" correlates with my life conditions. No job, not much motivation...living with family (right now mom, sister and grandma), no actual boyfriend ever, today is a day I wake up and feel exasperated about my condition. I am messaging therapists but recently thought I might as well see a hypnotherapist, which is like talk therapy but deeper, to the subconscious. It's just hard...this can be really really hard...

[mylolita]

Hi cherubrock,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this - I am not diminishing your problem by any means, these things can really take over, but it sounds like you have had an issue with this for along time but it's really starting to become an obsessive thought and you're turning it over and over. This will just make things so much harder for yourself!

 

My straight up, simple, humble advice would be this - great, enjoyable sex comes from when you're very comfortable, relaxed and happy with the person you're doing it with. Extra, mega bonus points if you're in love. If you're both in love, respect and care deeply for each other, then you have hit the jackpot because you will experience some of the best sex you'll ever have! Don't give up hope, think you're somehow "broken", have "weird sexuality" or anything like that. I'm no therapist obviously but I really just think it boils down to you've never experienced sex and sexual situations with anyone you are insanely attracted too or deep in love with. I think you need either or ideally both of those things in order to have the sex you are maybe looking for. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

 

Some people are a little more pressured easily to feel like they need to fit in or should be doing what everyone else is doing - especially when you were younger. Your early and first sexual experiences can shape your future sex life. If all you have ever known is basically, not being into it at all and then feeling strange and used then, you are maybe going to think this is all there is, just because this is all you've ever experienced?

 

It takes one strong, self confident person to go against the crowd and basically be themselves. That's all you ever hear growing up, "Oh, just be yourself!" Well, being yourself takes courage. Lions courage! Hardly anyone can say they are fully and unapologetically themselves. It's something you strive for and as your confidence in yourself and self awareness grows, normally with age, you stop caring about what you should be doing and what everyone else is doing. Let me tell you now, life is too short to live your life through other people. Don't let your life be a shadow of what you think it should be because that's how you perceive everyone else is doing it or that is what is right. You need to look into yourself and discover what it is you really want out of life, not just relationships. You can start following your own way, walk to the beat of your own drum! Relationships, other big life decisions, small decisions... if you always consult your inner self first, ask yourself, am I doing this because I really want too, or is there something else at play here?

 

I think mulling this over and over isn't doing you any favours darling - I think you are torturing yourself.

 

Look to the positives, use this situation and your past situations as lessons, learn from them, you've been there, done that - you're still young but time is precious, don't let anyone waste your time and don't waste your own time. Have respect for your own time, if you don't, no one else will.

 

This guy you've been sleeping with, honestly, just from his actions let alone his response, he sounds like he isn't the one. He's not going to set your world alight and he's definitely not making you happy.

 

Why don't you start a little list? What do you want in the next 5 years? Marriage? A solid, steady relationship? To buy a house? A new job? Further education?

 

It doesn't matter if you're not sleeping with anyone or you don't get a boyfriend straight away. Better to not be sleeping with anyone than let yourself feel like this. It's not doing you any favours. It's harming you and taking up precious time and your precious thought space! You want to use your brain to help get you where you want to go! You deserve fantastic sex with someone you care for, at the very least, they care for you. You want a connection.

 

Some people are happy with hook ups - they are very rare. A very rare person to separate love and sex, emotions and sex. Extremely rare to find it in a female. It doesn't make for a happy life and good self esteem for most women. I'm not being sexist, it just doesn't make most women happy.

 

Women tend to be turned on in their brain! Things that turn women on aren't normally that visual. It's more about, how the guy held me, what he said, how he makes me feel, how he smelt etc. Men on the other hand, they are much more visual creatures. Hence why lingerie is such a huge business. Men, all visual. We women are a little more complicated than that. It's a bit of a running joke with me and my husband, y'know, he's a simple, average guy - just whack some heels on and some lingerie and that's all he needs! With me, he has to be nice to me all week ;) LOL! I'm kidding, of course he's nice to me all the time and not just to get me in bed but, I hope you see where I'm trying to go with this?

 

I'm sorry to ramble, but please, thinking you have something wrong with you is just going to make things worse. I will actually go against the general grain of normal advice on here which normally recommends a therapist for every single problem in life.

 

If you feel you have deep rooted, horrible issues which may be causing this, then, by all means, try a therapist. But! If you feel like you've never liked or loved any of the guys you're with, and you have been turned on in the past or by yourself, I can guess you're completely normal and all women would be the same - if I just tried to force myself into a sexual situation with some guy I hardly liked, well, I'd be writing your post dear!

 

Focus on yourself, try and be positive - look to the things you can change, rather than the things you can't.

 

Life is a huge, rare gift, we must appreciate it and don't squander it. You deserve to share your experiences and life with people that truly matter. That is the only way I know to happiness and yes, fantastic sex!

 

All the best, you can get over this,

 

Lo x

[cherubrock]

Hi cherubrock,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this - I am not diminishing your problem by any means, these things can really take over, but it sounds like you have had an issue with this for along time but it's really starting to become an obsessive thought and you're turning it over and over. This will just make things so much harder for yourself!

 

My straight up, simple, humble advice would be this - great, enjoyable sex comes from when you're very comfortable, relaxed and happy with the person you're doing it with. Extra, mega bonus points if you're in love. If you're both in love, respect and care deeply for each other, then you have hit the jackpot because you will experience some of the best sex you'll ever have! Don't give up hope, think you're somehow "broken", have "weird sexuality" or anything like that. I'm no therapist obviously but I really just think it boils down to you've never experienced sex and sexual situations with anyone you are insanely attracted too or deep in love with. I think you need either or ideally both of those things in order to have the sex you are maybe looking for. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

 

Some people are a little more pressured easily to feel like they need to fit in or should be doing what everyone else is doing - especially when you were younger. Your early and first sexual experiences can shape your future sex life. If all you have ever known is basically, not being into it at all and then feeling strange and used then, you are maybe going to think this is all there is, just because this is all you've ever experienced?

 

It takes one strong, self confident person to go against the crowd and basically be themselves. That's all you ever hear growing up, "Oh, just be yourself!" Well, being yourself takes courage. Lions courage! Hardly anyone can say they are fully and unapologetically themselves. It's something you strive for and as your confidence in yourself and self awareness grows, normally with age, you stop caring about what you should be doing and what everyone else is doing. Let me tell you now, life is too short to live your life through other people. Don't let your life be a shadow of what you think it should be because that's how you perceive everyone else is doing it or that is what is right. You need to look into yourself and discover what it is you really want out of life, not just relationships. You can start following your own way, walk to the beat of your own drum! Relationships, other big life decisions, small decisions... if you always consult your inner self first, ask yourself, am I doing this because I really want too, or is there something else at play here?

 

I think mulling this over and over isn't doing you any favours darling - I think you are torturing yourself.

 

Look to the positives, use this situation and your past situations as lessons, learn from them, you've been there, done that - you're still young but time is precious, don't let anyone waste your time and don't waste your own time. Have respect for your own time, if you don't, no one else will.

 

This guy you've been sleeping with, honestly, just from his actions let alone his response, he sounds like he isn't the one. He's not going to set your world alight and he's definitely not making you happy.

 

Why don't you start a little list? What do you want in the next 5 years? Marriage? A solid, steady relationship? To buy a house? A new job? Further education?

 

It doesn't matter if you're not sleeping with anyone or you don't get a boyfriend straight away. Better to not be sleeping with anyone than let yourself feel like this. It's not doing you any favours. It's harming you and taking up precious time and your precious thought space! You want to use your brain to help get you where you want to go! You deserve fantastic sex with someone you care for, at the very least, they care for you. You want a connection.

 

Some people are happy with hook ups - they are very rare. A very rare person to separate love and sex, emotions and sex. Extremely rare to find it in a female. It doesn't make for a happy life and good self esteem for most women. I'm not being sexist, it just doesn't make most women happy.

 

Women tend to be turned on in their brain! Things that turn women on aren't normally that visual. It's more about, how the guy held me, what he said, how he makes me feel, how he smelt etc. Men on the other hand, they are much more visual creatures. Hence why lingerie is such a huge business. Men, all visual. We women are a little more complicated than that. It's a bit of a running joke with me and my husband, y'know, he's a simple, average guy - just whack some heels on and some lingerie and that's all he needs! With me, he has to be nice to me all week ;) LOL! I'm kidding, of course he's nice to me all the time and not just to get me in bed but, I hope you see where I'm trying to go with this?

 

I'm sorry to ramble, but please, thinking you have something wrong with you is just going to make things worse. I will actually go against the general grain of normal advice on here which normally recommends a therapist for every single problem in life.

 

If you feel you have deep rooted, horrible issues which may be causing this, then, by all means, try a therapist. But! If you feel like you've never liked or loved any of the guys you're with, and you have been turned on in the past or by yourself, I can guess you're completely normal and all women would be the same - if I just tried to force myself into a sexual situation with some guy I hardly liked, well, I'd be writing your post dear!

 

Focus on yourself, try and be positive - look to the things you can change, rather than the things you can't.

 

Life is a huge, rare gift, we must appreciate it and don't squander it. You deserve to share your experiences and life with people that truly matter. That is the only way I know to happiness and yes, fantastic sex!

 

All the best, you can get over this,

 

Lo x

 

Thank you very much for your response Lo. It's like I am "being someone" I'm not, "acting" like a female that likes and is into casual sex, but I'm really not. I guess I'm not extremely physically attracted to this guy, although I'm more attracted physically than interpersonally/emotionally. I got your message as start loving myself and don't compare to anyone, then life will fall into place.

 

Maybe I don't need a therapist but it would be nice to have someone to talk to about all this "taboo" stuff, it's too awkward with most my family and my friend. My mom knows but we don't talk about it much and actually today I had an emotional outburst...she found a condom (unused) we got from a clinic a while ago and she said "here for you, so when you go on a bumble date, you never know" and somehow this bothered me that I started crying and screaming and we couldn't go to the place we were headed to. It just hurt me...because I feel the opposite...I don't feel like I really want to do that, and the last times I did I didn't even enjoy it.