I'd Appreciate some Thoughts [Breakup + Want to Reconcile]

[valavoo]

Have you tried thinking that the overthinking is also a process? Something that will not stop completely in one go? As something you need to surrender to, accepting that as a part of the current reality. I want to get healed as quickly as possible and time is slowing me down (hehe), I get impatient that I am not there yet (bloody hell just over 2 months act normal man), so I get frustrated. But I trust in the process and myself to guide me. I surrender to the situation and that makes it bearable. The same could also kind of apply here. You (desperately) want to stop overthinking and remain positive, so each that does not happen you get this feeling of failure which is frustrating. But it would actually be a superhuman feat to remain positive, hopeful and stop overthinking all at once during a breakup. Your emotions are going crazy! they are mental! and they do whatever they damn well feel like, and there is nothing you can do about it. (That's what your emotions are shouting). They are like rebellious teenagers, the more you push, the more they shove. They will find a way to party and drink. So you can allow them to party and drink under your supervision, or have them drink at a friends house (

 

My train of thought is, it's ok to fall back a bit. two steps forward, one step back. Even if that one step back feels like it are 10, it is only 1. And about that advice of others, I also confuse myself sometimes with that. That's why I have a small piece of paper with a couple of lines that return me to my center. I have this with me all the time. Whenever I lose my way, such as people stating you need to have some communication, she'll never return etc. I use this to get back to my plan, heal first, think later.

 

I do think about it that way, but it just makes me more confused. The only time I can relax is when I'm doing something that takes my mind off internal things in general. For example, watching anime or other shows that are in other languages (so i have to read subtitles). Playing games also helps. I watch funny TV shows to drown basically every other emotion in just...humor. Sometimes, when the anxiety gets too bad, I just go to sleep. That's about the only way I can deal with it right now.

 

I'm sorry, I should be helping you in return but all I'm doing is allowing you to continue helping me. Thank you a thousand times.

[loip9114]

I do think about it that way, but it just makes me more confused. The only time I can relax is when I'm doing something that takes my mind off internal things in general. For example, watching anime or other shows that are in other languages (so i have to read subtitles). Playing games also helps. I watch funny TV shows to drown basically every other emotion in just...humor. Sometimes, when the anxiety gets too bad, I just go to sleep. That's about the only way I can deal with it right now.

 

I'm sorry, I should be helping you in return but all I'm doing is allowing you to continue helping me. Thank you a thousand times.

 

I am helping people, because it also gives me a sense of doing something and I like helping. So absolutely do not worry yourself over that. It helps me as well, it is also a bit of distraction for me.

 

I have a last one, which is going to delve more into psychology. My psychologist told me this and asked me this. So I am going to try and create it in a comment. Brb.

[loip9114]

___@------>--------D__________

____-___________-___________

_____-_________-____________

______<______>

_______-_____-______________

________-___-_______________

_________R_________________

 

So you have this thing above, which should represent a triangle.... yeeeey. Ok the R = Root; @ = anxiety; D = defense; > means arrows. (Modern art masterpiece...)

 

So you have this 'hidden' feeling. Something you have (un)consciously repressed, something that you tell yourself 'I should not be feeling this or having this, there is no place for you here'. This is the Root so to speak. This hidden feeling is the source.

Now if you've (un)consciously told yourself 'I should not be feeling this', the moment you feel this, anxiety will rise @. This can either be very strong or subtle, but it is there. For me this manifests in a tremor in my right hand for example.

After the anxiety comes, very rapidly after that you get the defense. Now this defense can take a lot of forms, but the thing it tries to do is cope with the 'Root' the actual thing we (un)consciously run away from. And this the loop feedbacks, so after defense the Root becomes stronger and loop again.

So defense can be anything, from hope, to overthinking, to anger. These are always to cope with this 'Root' feeling.

 

I found it really hard to tap into this Root feeling, it hurt so extremely much whenever it came up. It was afraid of the immense pain it would inflict upon me. It was just paralysing how painful it was, but eventually I figured out where it came from, how in manifests in me and it made me able to stop this feedback loop.

 

Now what this Root feeling is for you, I am not certain. I believe I know mine now, it could be different for everybody, could be the same for us all. But I am not going to confuse you by giving any answers, this is something you might want to figure out yourself. Because you need to truly find it yourself, as it is quite easy to confuse defense and Root.

[valavoo]

___@------>--------D__________

____-___________-___________

_____-_________-____________

______<______>

_______-_____-______________

________-___-_______________

_________R_________________

 

So you have this thing above, which should represent a triangle.... yeeeey. Ok the R = Root; @ = anxiety; D = defense; > means arrows. (Modern art masterpiece...)

 

So you have this 'hidden' feeling. Something you have (un)consciously repressed, something that you tell yourself 'I should not be feeling this or having this, there is no place for you here'. This is the Root so to speak. This hidden feeling is the source.

Now if you've (un)consciously told yourself 'I should not be feeling this', the moment you feel this, anxiety will rise @. This can either be very strong or subtle, but it is there. For me this manifests in a tremor in my right hand for example.

After the anxiety comes, very rapidly after that you get the defense. Now this defense can take a lot of forms, but the thing it tries to do is cope with the 'Root' the actual thing we (un)consciously run away from. And this loop feedbacks, so after defense the Root becomes stronger and loop again.

So defense can be anything, from hope, to overthinking, to anger. These are always to cope with this 'Root' feeling.

 

I found it really hard to tap into this Root feeling, it hurt so extremely much whenever it came up. It was afraid of the immense pain it would inflict upon me. It was just paralysing how painful it was, but eventually I figured out where it came from, how in manifests in me and it made me able to stop this feedback loop.

 

Now what this Root feeling is for you, I am not certain. I believe I know mine now, it could be different for everybody, could be the same for us all. But I am not going to confuse you by giving any answers, this is something you might want to figure out yourself. Because you need to truly find it yourself, as it is quite easy to confuse defense and Root.

 

I'm gonna try to ruminate on this!

[loip9114]

Ok one last one, possibly to help stop the confusion and get some grounding.

Write out your 'Master plan'. You have a goal (which is getting back together with him, as I know from other posts. Correct me if I am wrong). Now How are you going to reach that goal?

What are the essential steps you need to take to reach that goal? Write this down!

Get a bit obsessed with this plan, make it so that when you are finished you have this feeling of accomplishment. A feeling of 'yes, this is the best plan I can ever follow', the feeling of 'this is my path'. Which I mentioned before as well, carve your own path. Listen to others, but make your own decisions.

 

Now comes the tricky part, Stick to that plan. That is your plan, that is your path and you believe that with all the information you currently have. That is the best way to go about your way.

Whenever new information presents itself you might get confused or you might start doubting the plan. Do not do that! Do NOT alter the plan!

If something comes up, for example your ex returns. Check the plan! Are you ready? are you at the step for reconciliation in your plan? No? well then maybe you need to ask for a bit more time. You will feel what is best for you.

 

As I said earlier for me it is heal first, then improve myself, get goals achieved, get my own place etc. Get comfortable being single, get to know myself etc. And then when I am ready for it, either I reach out or not. But step 1 is important for me, Heal first. Step 2 is improve, etc. This is my plan and no matter what happens I will not change it.

Anxiety is a bad advisor, the worst even! So do not listen to it. Stick to the plan.

 

 

This is something I told myself a long time ago, and I created my plan. I will stick to it, if I am mistaken and lose my ex through this plan. Then that is an undesirable consequence, but it will be a consequence and mistake I can life with. Because this is my path and if it means that she will not be at the end of that path. Then so be it. I need to do this, for me.

 

(Btw, I am definitely not over my ex yet. Every day I feel like I am getting there, even on the lesser days as they remind me that I am in the process and the process is good).

[valavoo]

Ok one last one, possibly to help stop the confusion and get some grounding.

Write out your 'Master plan'. You have a goal (which is getting back together with him, as I know from other posts. Correct me if I am wrong). Now How are you going to reach that goal?

What are the essential steps you need to take to reach that goal? Write this down!

Get a bit obsessed with this plan, make it so that when you are finished you have this feeling of accomplishment. A feeling of 'yes, this is the best plan I can ever follow', the feeling of 'this is my path'. Which I mentioned before as well, carve your own path. Listen to others, but make your own decisions.

 

Now comes the tricky part, Stick to that plan. That is your plan, that is your path and you believe that with all the information you currently have. That is the best way to go about your way.

Whenever new information presents itself you might get confused or you might start doubting the plan. Do not do that! Do NOT alter the plan!

If something comes up, for example your ex returns. Check the plan! Are you ready? are you at the step for reconciliation in your plan? No? well then maybe you need to ask for a bit more time. You will feel what is best for you.

 

As I said earlier for me it is heal first, then improve myself, get goals achieved, get my own place etc. Get comfortable being single, get to know myself etc. And then when I am ready for it, either I reach out or not. But step 1 is important for me, Heal first. Step 2 is improve, etc. This is my plan and no matter what happens I will not change it.

Anxiety is a bad advisor, the worst even! So do not listen to it. Stick to the plan.

 

 

This is something I told myself a long time ago, and I created my plan. I will stick to it, if I am mistaken and lose my ex through this plan. Then that is an undesirable consequence, but it will be a consequence and mistake I can life with. Because this is my path and if it means that she will not be at the end of that path. Then so be it. I need to do this, for me.

 

(Btw, I am definitely not over my ex yet. Every day I feel like I am getting there, even on the lesser days as they remind me that I am in the process and the process is good).

 

Yeah, I have a plan, but I'm nervous to say it publicly because I'm 100% sure it'll just be shut down, especially here.

 

I don't think I can do anything anyway. This is the third consecutive day I've woken up feeling completely hopeless and anxious to a point where I cannot do anything remotely responsible. I feel alone and insecure and all kinds of bad . I have no idea how you are able to remain so positive, even if it's just outwardly. I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked about this over and over again and no new answers are popping up. There's no formula that anyone can really give and that's what I want - some answers.

 

At this point, I have stopped talking to most people I know IRL about it, because I am sure they're tired of me beating a dead horse about this relationship. It sucks because those are my best friends and I feel like I should just keep all my crap inside. I'm sure some of you will probably argue that it's "better" to stop talking about it, but whenever I try to do that it just bottles up like a boiling pot ready to spill over.

 

Sometimes, I wake up, and as pathetic as it sounds silently beg him in my head to come back. I would never ever beg to him physically, but doing so in my head makes me feel even more hopeless and powerless. I hate hate hate waking up every day and STILL not having that person as a companion or just there, available in the romantic way.

 

Before anyone says that I just need to get out and do things, I do. Don't assume that I'm just laying in bed crying all day because I have literally no choice but to go out and complete my obligations and try to do fun things or whatever you're supposed to do. Doesn't help. Regardless of whoever else I fill my time with, it does not replace that emptiness for one specific person.

 

I also don't really believe that you can get over an ex and still want them back. You have to choose one.

[loip9114]

Yeah, I have a plan, but I'm nervous to say it publicly because I'm 100% sure it'll just be shut down, especially here.

 

I don't think I can do anything anyway. This is the third consecutive day I've woken up feeling completely hopeless and anxious to a point where I cannot do anything remotely responsible. I feel alone and insecure and all kinds of bad . I have no idea how you are able to remain so positive, even if it's just outwardly. I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked about this over and over again and no new answers are popping up. There's no formula that anyone can really give and that's what I want - some answers.

 

At this point, I have stopped talking to most people I know IRL about it, because I am sure they're tired of me beating a dead horse about this relationship. It sucks because those are my best friends and I feel like I should just keep all my crap inside. I'm sure some of you will probably argue that it's "better" to stop talking about it, but whenever I try to do that it just bottles up like a boiling pot ready to spill over.

 

Sometimes, I wake up, and as pathetic as it sounds silently beg him in my head to come back. I would never ever beg to him physically, but doing so in my head makes me feel even more hopeless and powerless. I hate hate hate waking up every day and STILL not having that person as a companion or just there, available in the romantic way.

 

Before anyone says that I just need to get out and do things, I do. Don't assume that I'm just laying in bed crying all day because I have literally no choice but to go out and complete my obligations and try to do fun things or whatever you're supposed to do. Doesn't help. Regardless of whoever else I fill my time with, it does not replace that emptiness for one specific person.

 

I also don't really believe that you can get over an ex and still want them back. You have to choose one.

 

That's no problem, there is no need to make your plan publicly known. As long as it is known to you, and keep it as your roadmap. Your plan and destination.

 

Sounds like you are isolating yourself, is it possible to ask just a small handfull of friends to keep listening to you? I asked 2 and 1 offered it. I'd rather go to the 2 I asked as I like their more responsive approaches at this moment in time. I want to keep control over my life and thus I want to be able to steer the conversation as I like. They do not mind it, but also keep me on track by getting me to play videogames or start philosophizing about all kinds of things. They react to what I say and they do not ask me questions about my ex. Merely about how I feel etc.

 

I know that feeling of waking up, as I mentioned elsewhere here, I had dreams about my ex every night and I woke up with this hollow feeling inside. Requiring me all my energy to get myself up out of bed and get going.

And with replacing that person, I honestly do not think we can. They are unique, but so are we. They cannot replace us, just as much as we cannot replace them. And this is fine, because we should not want to replace it. We have to find something different.

 

That emptiness, I still feel it. Every single day, the sense of loss. I always say to myself 'It's a real pity', but eventually I changed that 'I just feel a sense of emptiness'. I have a very rational mind which keeps me grounded, I only recently (during this last relationship) really started developing my emotional side. Before that I neglected that so badly.

 

As for feelings of insecurity and aloneness, I feel these as well. I feel hopelessness, fear that I'll never find someone as good as my ex or at least that beautiful combination of things that made her unique. The thing I loved was not singular, I loved it all (I unconscioucly am talking in past-tense here. I like it). But the positivity I exhibit, while definitely sometimes outwardly comes from something I have been doing my whole life. I have a low-standard when it comes to feeling achievement. It used to be high, but I am able to reduce it. For example, having little expectations during college made me very acceptable for all outcomes. Therefore, while I failed a test once got an 8 after that, or 6's and 7's in the second year. I felt good, but other's who expected 8's and got a 6, were tearing up (literally crying about it). Also a friend of mine would get annoyed during surfing as he could not get that perfect wave, and I was just sitting there saying 'well I had 3 mediocre waves, it was a fun/good session'. He even caught atleast 20-30. But I only needed to get 3 alright ones (I had more) and that was enough.

So how do I use that here? I simply compare myself day in and day out, not to yesterday, or last week. But to the last month, and especially I compare myself to the first day after the breakup. The emotional wreck and excruciating pain I was in back then. I compare my current day to that day. And for me I pretty much always feel something that is better off than the first day after the breakup.

This makes me feel some sense of accomplishment every day, despite it being a step back to yesterday.

 

Another mentality I keep reminding myself of is that this breakup does not define me. This breakup is not me! How I react to it, that's me that's what defines me. The fact that I became outwardly open, that I started practicing more self-love etc. The emptiness of this loss, I am trying to fill with as much love for myself as I can. Which is easier said than done.

Pretty I made this decision to consciously get through this, not over it, not around it. THROUGH. Because in my eyes, there is only 1 shortcut when confronted with a breakup. Straight through the pain, the quickest way from a to b is a straight line. After I went through the pain, I started to get over it. But the 'it' for me is the breakup.

 

As you say, you cannot get over your ex while wanting them back. I also do not think this is possible, as it means you have to let something go which you greatly desire. They contradict each other. But I do not think this should be your first concern when going through a breakup. I believe that the very first step we should make is grief the sense of loss. To grief the death of our relationship. To fully accept that it is over. After that you can start the healing process. This is all done from your own energy, perspective and position. Your ex has no positive influence on this, merely negative effects. So he/she has no place in these two processes. But they are the first two important steps. To accept the ending of a relationship and to mend the hurt emotions. AFTER that is done you can decide whether or not you want them back. Thus, I sort of procrastinate making the decision of wanting my ex back to a point in time when I have all my sanity and emotional fitness back on track.

 

Now I still cry every single day for the hurt emotions. I've grieved the ending of the relationship, and still despise the fact it happened. But I cannot argue with reality and truth, and that is it happened. It's over. But how I deal with all this, I have control over that. I am not helpless as I can control myself. I can move my body, I can breathe, I can eat, sleep is a bit tricker, but still. I can do things, I can build my own place and room. I can go to another place if I so desire. These are things I can do. But I cannot make my ex return, I cannot make my ex love me again (actually I don't need to, as she mentioned post breakup that she still loved me and I believe her), I cannot make my ex contact me. Those are things I cannot do. I accept what I can control and I cannot control. And how I deal with it all through the things I can control gives me pride, hope, a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Because I set the bar in such a way that I can reach it. IF I set the bar to get my ex back, I might fail or not. But I have no control over 1 variable in that achievement. But if I were to set the bar to getting through the pain and mending my heart and creating a better life. Now those are things I have a lot more control over.

 

This helped me get rid of my hopelessness, because there was hope in my own actions. My insecurities are there, but they always will be there. We are all insecure human-beings, anxious for the big bad unknown. I mean look at all the religious and superstitions people have to justify what they cannot understand. I just forcefull push myself to not let those anxieties and insecurities rule my life. As they are numbing and paralysing me from achieving anything. Plus I like extreme sports, and I have no problem with taking risks what-so-ever. As I believe the risk is worth the gain, and without risks you cannot gain substantially. I do not intend to play it safe.

 

About getting my ex back. She dumped me, and I believe I am not going to give chase. Now this is not what I said earlier, but things change. She broke my heart, she would rather risk losing me forever than make the huge effort of keeping us together through a very difficult period. My trust has been betrayed, my feelings have been hurt. I never go back to somebody who hurts me deeply, WITHOUT making ammends. People can f*** with me a little, sometimes I forgive because it would weigh me down otherwise. But this is one of those f***s I cannot forgive so easily. She has to make ammends, she has to repent for the pain and suffering she caused me. I am no the one who can lose her, she's the one who can lose ME. I have nothing to lose, as I only lose someone who did not want to make the effort. While she will lose someone who loved her so dearly, he'd have done anything to keep it together. She lost someone who tried fighting for a relationship untill the very end and beyond.

But if we to ever work things out, she has to come back and that also makes it that she can be the one that is too late. Not me, because I am the one that should be won back.

 

And I believe you can go back to your ex, a lot of people say no you cannot, it will only breakup again. That is if you reconcile to early. I will always believe that if you both changed, and you've changed properly from the breakup. Both of you looked at why the relationship did not work and learned from those mistakes and moved forward. Then it has just as much chance of succeeded as any other relationship has! You should not easily forgive the breakup, you should not just say I trust you again. It is not that easy. You have to slowly rebuild everything again, start from square one. But I hate this mentality that unables people to make ammends and come back. I spoke to someone who had been to prison for extortion and death-threats before, but the guy sitting in front of me was a father and husband, he cared deeply for his daughter and his wife. So when he told me that he spoke to me as if being afraid I would judge him again for his past. But I did not see the past him, I saw the current him. Who was not a bad guy. So should I have stood up and said 'You were a criminal once, so no second chances' or was I better with saying 'It is the past you, and the present one I see is not the same. You are different from before'. I believe I was right. The same applies to ex's who have broken up. They just need to change and so must we!

 

This is my mindset today, it may change again later. But I believe I am going to stick to this.

[loip9114]

Also whenever anyone tries to get me to sway from my path, I get into discussions. I am a stubborn, yet rational man. You can change my convictions with rational arguments, but if you do not I will stick to my ways. As long as I believe them to be right. So nobody is really able to persuade me from swaying from my current path, because logic has no place in breakups.

 

 

Oh yeah one more, we all move in our own pace. I might be sprinter, some or runners, some simply walk. But we must not compare ourselves to where others are, just accept where we are at that point. Some might start dating right away, others might not for 1 year or 4 or 7 even (some people I heard). That is all fine, some might start transforming (hello) almost immediatly (hello again), some wait for a while. We are all different, that's is awesome! because that means this world is not so dull. If we'd all be the same, oh my god that woul be awfull! So yes embrace that keep at that. It is your uniqueness that makes you who you are, and I'd rather be me for my whole life than life in a body which is me with a mind that's not mine.

[valavoo]

 

 

About getting my ex back. She dumped me, and I believe I am not going to give chase. Now this is not what I said earlier, but things change. She broke my heart, she would rather risk losing me forever than make the huge effort of keeping us together through a very difficult period. My trust has been betrayed, my feelings have been hurt. I never go back to somebody who hurts me deeply, WITHOUT making ammends. People can f*** with me a little, sometimes I forgive because it would weigh me down otherwise. But this is one of those f***s I cannot forgive so easily. She has to make ammends, she has to repent for the pain and suffering she caused me. I am no the one who can lose her, she's the one who can lose ME. I have nothing to lose, as I only lose someone who did not want to make the effort. While she will lose someone who loved her so dearly, he'd have done anything to keep it together. She lost someone who tried fighting for a relationship untill the very end and beyond.

But if we to ever work things out, she has to come back and that also makes it that she can be the one that is too late. Not me, because I am the one that should be won back.

 

And I believe you can go back to your ex, a lot of people say no you cannot, it will only breakup again. That is if you reconcile to early. I will always believe that if you both changed, and you've changed properly from the breakup. Both of you looked at why the relationship did not work and learned from those mistakes and moved forward. Then it has just as much chance of succeeded as any other relationship has! You should not easily forgive the breakup, you should not just say I trust you again. It is not that easy. You have to slowly rebuild everything again, start from square one. But I hate this mentality that unables people to make ammends and come back. I spoke to someone who had been to prison for extortion and death-threats before, but the guy sitting in front of me was a father and husband, he cared deeply for his daughter and his wife. So when he told me that he spoke to me as if being afraid I would judge him again for his past. But I did not see the past him, I saw the current him. Who was not a bad guy. So should I have stood up and said 'You were a criminal once, so no second chances' or was I better with saying 'It is the past you, and the present one I see is not the same. You are different from before'. I believe I was right. The same applies to ex's who have broken up. They just need to change and so must we!

 

This is my mindset today, it may change again later. But I believe I am going to stick to this.

 

Just a quick question here before I respond to your entire post. You definitely think it's okay to feel a sense of betrayal in terms of an ex? I know that often times when we're the dumpee, we feel that it was all our fault or we wouldn't have gotten dumped otherwise. I have a couple of people I've talked to telling me that they understand his perspective and insist that I should not fault him for his actions. But the thing is, it's not that I fault him for feeling what he feels, rather, the set of circumstances made it so that a betrayal happened. I can't really forgive that easily. Even if we were going to get back together, I would need to sit down and have a talk about all the feelings associated with the breakup. I don't think that just letting it go is a good idea. Breeds resentment, I think.

[loip9114]

Just a quick question here before I respond to your entire post. You definitely think it's okay to feel a sense of betrayal in terms of an ex? I know that often times when we're the dumpee, we feel that it was all our fault or we wouldn't have gotten dumped otherwise. I have a couple of people I've talked to telling me that they understand his perspective and insist that I should not fault him for his actions. But the thing is, it's not that I fault him for feeling what he feels, rather, the set of circumstances made it so that a betrayal happened. I can't really forgive that easily. Even if we were going to get back together, I would need to sit down and have a talk about all the feelings associated with the breakup. I don't think that just letting it go is a good idea. Breeds resentment, I think.

 

Ok first off, I find their advice really weird. I do not know the reasons for the breakup, but betrayal and emotions aren't logical at all. In my perspective you can fully understand where someone is coming from, yet disagree with their position. This means that you can also still feel betrayal, whilst knowing you cannot fault them for their position.

But I believe that betrayal is a acceptable or at least natural. You've put your trust in this person for a long time, they have done something you would not have expected them to do at all. They've hurt you greatly. So you're trust in them having your best interest at heart is shattered. That feels like betrayal, which to me is a natural feeling.

You do not immediatly have to forgive them, but you do need to have this be present. If you have that feeling, you also cannot be faulted for feeling something. My ex always said that, you cannot tell someone who says 'Well I feel this' that they are wrong. Because they cannot be wrong, it is their feeling, you have no logical sense to tell them they are not allowed to feel that.

 

That is definitely also my point, that if you wish to really start a healthy and proper new relationship with an ex (which is possible in my eyes) you need to sit down and talk properly about everything! The only thing you want to be certain of is that you have processed the emotions and feelings so that during this conversation they will not rule you. They must not dominate the conversation, but they have to be heard and said. Because you intend to build something new, to do that you must first clear the ground and air of any older lingering feelings and fully talk about what went wrong.

 

Now if you've cheated I believe being dumped is a completely and utterly different position. But I think you have not, so it is not interesting.

[valavoo]

No I did not cheat! I have 0% tolerance for that! LOL

[valavoo]

Update:

 

School is starting in a couple weeks and I'm nervous for that on top of still seriously missing you-know-who.

 

Annoying. I wish I was more apathetic. Lmao.