I'd Appreciate some Thoughts [Breakup + Want to Reconcile]

[valavoo]

Hey Valavoo,

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

I think you were right when you mentioned on my thread that our situations are similar. I have also firmly decided that NC is not right for my situation, and that I will let him initiate 90% of the time, of not all the time.

So far it is going really well and I am hearing from him almost every day, if not twice per day. But like yours, the conversations have no depth to them, and are just light hearted and easy.

 

I think you are doing really well. It's incredibly hard to be so close to someone you love and not be able to show it to them. I had a small breakdown yesterday and just burst out crying over the sadness of it all. As long as we can get through these moments and remember why we are doing this, then I think we are on the right track.

 

I strongly believe that if our relationships were built on solid friendships, then there's no reason they can't be rekindled that way.

Keep doing what you're doing and trust yourself enough to know what's best xx.

 

What a lovely comment. I'm sorry that you had a breakdown! That is unbelievably tough to deal with. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you handling your situation as well. Just be sure to know your boundaries and when you can't handle it.

[valavoo]

This isn't really an update but I'm putting it here anyway.

 

I will be keeping this thread open and giving you, perhaps, a monthly update.

If people comment here I'll still reply!

 

Of course, ff it ever turns into a reconciliation I'll make a new thread for that and post an update here.

 

Much love,

 

Valerie

[Ames34]

I'm still keeping an eye here!!! Looking forward to your updates and hope you are doing well

 

Xx

[valavoo]

I'm still keeping an eye here!!! Looking forward to your updates and hope you are doing well

 

Xx

 

Hey my dear. I saw on your situation things weren't going too well I hope for a positive turn in your situation as well. The only update I have is that he texted me a few days ago asking if I wanted some of his items on a game we both play. Veeeeeeeeery random. It very much sucks that he won't talk to me about anything significant.

[Disenchanted]

Hey my dear. I saw on your situation things weren't going too well I hope for a positive turn in your situation as well. The only update I have is that he texted me a few days ago asking if I wanted some of his items on a game we both play. Veeeeeeeeery random. It very much sucks that he won't talk to me about anything significant.

 

You should watch videos by Craig Kenneth on Youtube about the "Indirect/Direct approach".

[Ames34]

Thanks so much! I hope things look up for you soon too. That is weird.. it's so frustrating when they contact us about things that they clearly don't have to. I have to say though that it's nice you guys have that connection. My ex is a gamer and it was actually a bit of an issue for me in our relationship, which I do regret now that I realise it is his passion.. so at least there is a communication avenue for you there

[valavoo]

You should watch videos by Craig Kenneth on Youtube about the "Indirect/Direct approach".

 

Just watched it. Makes sense, but I don't want to just apply a blanket statement like that. First of all, he was talking more about a guy dumpee and girl dumper. I'm a girl dumpee and guy dumper. Also sure it COULD mean that he misses me, but he could also just genuinely be nice or is bored or any number of things. Another person on this forum told me he probably doesn't miss me at all, and yet ANOTHER person surmised that he probably thinks about/misses me quite a lot. This is why I was talking about accepting the unknown on that other post of mine! ;v;

[valavoo]

Thanks so much! I hope things look up for you soon too. That is weird.. it's so frustrating when they contact us about things that they clearly don't have to. I have to say though that it's nice you guys have that connection. My ex is a gamer and it was actually a bit of an issue for me in our relationship, which I do regret now that I realise it is his passion.. so at least there is a communication avenue for you there

 

There is....but there's also a bit of an issue because my guy got passionate about a tabletop RPG game that I felt was interfering with our relationship. I felt confused as to whether he wanted me to be a part of it or not so I got kinda...hot and cold? I guess? BUT you are right, we do have gaming and other things as a common interest! But I don't get why he's texting me about it.

 

Something else important is to remember that breakups take two people. Often times we the dumpee feel that we are at fault because we are the dumpee. Especially if the reason is "being needy" or something. It's wayyyyy more complicated than that (and I hate the needy concept anyway. People just need different levels of attention from an S.O. And sometimes those attentions are incompatible.). Make sure not to overly blame yourself.

[Ames34]

Ahhhhaha I see. Yeah we had the whole "gaming couple" conversation a few times. My ex would switch between wanting to teach me to play, and saying he didn't want a gamer girlfriend cos it'd be annoying to try to hold her up in games while I was learning. I just said I didn't want to play, but I would watch him and ask him questions. I'm a artist so the visual side of it definitely interested me. We know a few couples that make it work, but then that's all they do together and it works for them. I used to get upset because I felt that his gaming time was encroaching on our time.

 

About the neediness thing, you're totally right. I've definitely struggled with it. I know I can be that way sometimes, and towards the end of the relationship I was a bit needy. BUT, after thinking about it, I've realised that I was going through a tough time and I had every right to need him a bit more than usual. (I'd lost two jobs and was going through some medical issues, but wasn't getting down about it, just needed a bit of extra time with him).

So I've come to terms with that now, and realised it was just bad timing that while I was going though those things, his depression was hitting in full force. Neither of us were able to be the strong one and I put pressure on him when I shouldn't have, so naturally something had to give. So I guess neither of us are really to blame, which is nice but also makes moving on a lot harder..

[valavoo]

Ahhhhaha I see. Yeah we had the whole "gaming couple" conversation a few times. My ex would switch between wanting to teach me to play, and saying he didn't want a gamer girlfriend cos it'd be annoying to try to hold her up in games while I was learning. I just said I didn't want to play, but I would watch him and ask him questions. I'm a artist so the visual side of it definitely interested me. We know a few couples that make it work, but then that's all they do together and it works for them. I used to get upset because I felt that his gaming time was encroaching on our time.

 

About the neediness thing, you're totally right. I've definitely struggled with it. I know I can be that way sometimes, and towards the end of the relationship I was a bit needy. BUT, after thinking about it, I've realised that I was going through a tough time and I had every right to need him a bit more than usual. (I'd lost two jobs and was going through some medical issues, but wasn't getting down about it, just needed a bit of extra time with him).

So I've come to terms with that now, and realised it was just bad timing that while I was going though those things, his depression was hitting in full force. Neither of us were able to be the strong one and I put pressure on him when I shouldn't have, so naturally something had to give. So I guess neither of us are really to blame, which is nice but also makes moving on a lot harder..

 

If you want your ex back, I suggest perhaps taking the attitude of "move forward, not on." I hope that makes sense?

[Ames34]

Yeah definitely, the whole "letting go isn't giving up" idea. That's what I'm trying to do it's the daily stuff that's difficult. But I like what you said in about her post about tackling each day separately, one step at a time right.

[valavoo]

Yeah definitely, the whole "letting go isn't giving up" idea. That's what I'm trying to do it's the daily stuff that's difficult. But I like what you said in about her post about tackling each day separately, one step at a time right.

 

You gotta. Literally one single day at a time. I'll be honest - I've been feeling unbelievably low so it's been hard to do that.

[Ames34]

You gotta. Literally one single day at a time. I'll be honest - I've been feeling unbelievably low so it's been hard to do that.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it's amazing how you feel emotions that you never dreamed you'd feel. Do you have support people around? The only way I've found that I can deal with the severe lows is to always have people around me. Even when I was alone at nights I made my parents skype me and just leave the video running while we both went about our evenings, it really helped

[vesper]

Hello lovely people!

 

Please be kind.

I've told this story so many times to so many people. I'm exhausted, but I am still feeling lost.

 

Call me Valerie. I won't put my real name here because I don't want my ex to find this [that would be awkward, wouldn't it, ha!]

 

In any case, I'll make this as streamlined as possible.

 

I was with him for five years, four of which are long distance. Relationship was wonderful aside from normal relationship issues which were magnified by distance. We spent like 80% of our time together when we weren't busy with classes and our friends at our respective institutions. For a while, it was great. Things changed second semester of this past school year.

 

About a month before we broke up, we had an argument over time spent with his friends versus time spent with me. He was starting to want to go out with his friends more and frankly, I feel that I did not handle it well and he did not communicate these changes in his desires well. At the same time, we were both EXTREMELY stressed out from the end of the college semester taking its toll (I was facing immense pressure from upcoming graduation and entering grad school) and everything just...piled up. I fully admit that I was not acting myself.

 

One night about 1 month before I graduated, we had a pretty large argument because we'd set aside a day to hang out but he was invited somewhere with friends and I felt that he shouldn't break his promise to hang out with me because I felt that meant he didn't care, and he said that it didn't mean that he didn't care and that we could reschedule. That night, he attempted to break up with me saying that he couldn't do it anymore and he couldn't be what I needed in a relationship, but I convinced him to try until I graduated because while I saw his reasons, I thought that we should wait until the stress died down to talk about it. However, a few days in, I felt nervous and pushed us to talk about it like three days later. He said a number of things including the fact that he felt like we weren't growing in the same direction anymore (citing that I knew what I wanted to do with my life but he didn't), that he was scared long distance would break us, that he hadn't been quite as happy in the relationship for the past month, that he loved me but thought that this was for the best. Afterward, he made a pretty decent effort to be friends but it really freaking hurt because he said he wasn't sure when or if he'd want to come back to the relationship, despite loving me.

 

After another week or so of back and forth, I finally accepted the breakup and told him that I would not be able to be his friend for a little while, but that I wasn't closing the door to him. So....we didn't speak for a month save for once when he messaged me something he thought I might want to see. After that, I decided to try to get back in touch with him, so I sent him a similar link and we got to talking and he said he was happy to hear from me and was glad I was doing alright ( L O L well at least it outwardly looked like that!). A few days later, I tried to just say hey let's catch up, but he stated that he was busy and never got back to me (though he was totally fine to like/share something I'd posted on FB ?_?). So I've gone back to keeping my distance. Perhaps I came back to early, perhaps I shouldn't have done no contact in the first place.

 

TL I will fully admit that I am devastated not to be with him. It's less about me not feeling like I can be a person at all without him, but that I miss him in my life romantically. I miss him, not 'a boyfriend'. I think that the issues that caused the breakup can be worked through, and I am currently working on my part and trying to live life regardless.

 

THOUGHTS -

 

1. At this point, to control myself, I've deleted his number, unfollowed him on Instagram and another site we both share, and forced myself to stop checking his Facebook page.

 

2. Something that has been hard from me is that he has not yet removed me from his profile picture on various social media sites, and is actively "liking", my uploads though that has decreased a little recently. That, and one of our mutuals told me that his feelings toward me hadn't changed.

 

3. I'm feeling very confused and overwhelmed because like half the internet preaches "give up, move on" and the other half yells "have faith, you'll get another chance!". Even all the relationship blogs cite completely opposite statistics. It's maddening. I don't know who to listen to.

 

4. I even got a relationship coach to help me through this, but he said that not enough time has passed yet and this is a really slow process that could take months. I just feel like I'm running out of time somehow.

 

5. But at the same time he looks to be doing fine without me. Some of the things he used to do with me he now seems to be doing with his two best friends.

 

6. What I'm looking to do is only message sparingly throughout July, and perhaps try to sit down and talk about us in August? Especially to communicate the fact that I've worked on some of the things I think messed up our relationship. I don't know if that's the right decision either...

 

7. Also, he really isn't the jealous type. He would truly be happy for me if I started dating someone else, I think. And he seemed genuinely happy that he thought I was doing alright. I am not interested in playing mind games anyway. That isn't love.

 

That...was a lot longer than I intended. Sorry.

 

If you say that he would be ok with you dating someone else then thats a good sign. That means hes not a clinger. You should NOT be a clinger either and DO NOT Talk to him about your relationship at all. Sounds like you guys are still connected via social media. If you can my best advice that I can give is to REALLY get over him. Do you know how to do that?

 

BTW - Im joining the crowd late, hope thats ok valavoo!!!n ( love your username!

[valavoo]

You are very late LOL but that's okay. Thank you about my username.

 

But please do read my updates XD we aren't connected on social media anymore, but mostly because I felt that the interactions we had there were kinda stupid! Id prefer he text me. Also, I have changed my plans on how to handle things and I won't be talking about the relationship for a whiiiiiiiile. However, I have opted not to "completely get over him". It's just not something I'm interested in doing, thanks though, not to mention a lot of what I said about him being genuinely happy if I were to date someone else was more to point to his character than anything else. Definitely a lot of assumption on my part there >.>

[TheRawTruth]

Yay! Being mean is super helpful! (Sarcasm).

 

I would be feeling empty regardless of whether I took your advice or not so I'm not even sure why your comment is relevant. Have a little compassion.

 

The idea of helping is to give you the truth, rather than false hope. Ignoring said truth because you would PREFER false hope is counterproductive.

[valavoo]

The idea of helping is to give you the truth, rather than false hope. Ignoring said truth because you would PREFER false hope is counterproductive.

 

No, you weren't being simply truthful, you were being mean. There are so many ways you could have said what you said and you chose to continue antagonizing me pages later, whereas this forum is about tough situations we're all dealing with. It's about support, so even in being "honest", kindness shouldn't be far behind. Also, false hope implies directly like something can never ever happen. The variety of situations rectified and not on this forum proves that we're all gambling here. You don't know me nor my situation well enough to make such a blanket statement, and while I respect your opinion you should respect my growth in this sitution at the pace I am able to do it. If others were able to come around and try and understand, I'm sure you can too.

 

TL it is not the perceived truth that made me upset, it was the delivery and lack of compassion.

[TheRawTruth]

No, you weren't being simply truthful, you were being mean. There are so many ways you could have said what you said and you chose to continue antagonizing me pages later, whereas this forum is about tough situations we're all dealing with. It's about support, so even in being "honest", kindness shouldn't be far behind. Also, false hope implies directly like something can never ever happen. The variety of situations rectified and not on this forum proves that we're all gambling here. You don't know me nor my situation well enough to make such a blanket statement, and while I respect your opinion you should respect my growth in this sitution at the pace I am able to do it. If others were able to come around and try and understand, I'm sure you can too.

 

TL it is not the perceived truth that made me upset, it was the delivery and lack of compassion.

 

Respectfully, I must respond to you one last time. (Please read this and understand.) I'm never going to intentionally be mean to someone I don't know. That's not who I am. Perhaps you didn't read my comment or got it confused with someone else's, because most of what I did was repeat the facts that YOU initially stated:

 

"You're forgetting one key piece. He wasn't HAPPY the last month or so of your relationship. He admitted it. You're thinking you can change your behavior and things will work again. But in reality, HE just doesn't want to with YOU. Think about it: Even when you guys had PLANS, he chose to hang out with his friends over you. That says that his heart wasn't really in it. His desire was to do something else."

 

Now, nowhere in there ^^ did I insult you or say mean things. It may have sounded harsh because I said he didn't want to be with you, but based on his actions, and your post, that's something you already know. The NEXT part of what I said was simply explaining a male's emotions vs. a female's emotions. Take a look.

 

"See, what women don't realizes is, men "check out" emotionally DURING a relationship before leaving it. A woman who's not happy will keep trying to make things work even when all signs point to NO. But when MEN aren't happy, we choose to leave. We don't stick around beating dead horse. You can't MAKE him want to be with you. It has to be HIS idea. Right now though, you're letting your emotions give you false hope. I know this is not what you want to HEAR, but it is the truth."

 

Now, being HONEST with me, do you really perceive my above comments as being mean? (Truthfully.)

 

Hope this helps clarify things.

[valavoo]

Respectfully, I must respond to you one last time. (Please read this and understand.) I'm never going to intentionally be mean to someone I don't know. That's not who I am. Perhaps you didn't read my comment or got it confused with someone else's, because most of what I did was repeat the facts that YOU initially stated:

 

"You're forgetting one key piece. He wasn't HAPPY the last month or so of your relationship. He admitted it. You're thinking you can change your behavior and things will work again. But in reality, HE just doesn't want to with YOU. Think about it: Even when you guys had PLANS, he chose to hang out with his friends over you. That says that his heart wasn't really in it. His desire was to do something else."

 

Now, nowhere in there ^^ did I insult you or say mean things. It may have sounded harsh because I said he didn't want to be with you, but based on his actions, and your post, that's something you already know. The NEXT part of what I said was simply explaining a male's emotions vs. a female's emotions. Take a look.

 

"See, what women don't realizes is, men "check out" emotionally DURING a relationship before leaving it. A woman who's not happy will keep trying to make things work even when all signs point to NO. But when MEN aren't happy, we choose to leave. We don't stick around beating dead horse. You can't MAKE him want to be with you. It has to be HIS idea. Right now though, you're letting your emotions give you false hope. I know this is not what you want to HEAR, but it is the truth."

 

Now, being HONEST with me, do you really perceive my above comments as being mean? (Truthfully.)

 

Hope this helps clarify things.

 

Hi again, Rawtruth. It's fine that you commented once more. I bear no ill-will toward you.

 

That wasn't what I had a problem with - your original post didn't bother me. It was you coming back and (though perhaps not intentionally) kinda mocking my sadness. I just felt that, especially in an emotionally volatile place such as this, the comment was neither necessary nor compassionate whatsoever. If you'd read any of my ensuing posts afterward, you'd see I've begun to shift how I'm handling things, though the pain is still very real. I especially never intend to force anyone into anything.

 

I do also disagree with (well, maybe not disagree. More like...speculate on) your post because other people on this forum/the real world claim the exact opposite. They claim that it's WOMEn who 'emotionally check out' before leaving because they're willing to stay longer to fix things and exhaust all options. The statistics and facts and psychoanalysis is all over the place. I think the only thing we can really accept is that there is only an 'unknown'. This isn't just coming from my depressed heart or whatever. Indeed, we know he doesn't want to be with me right now or we would be together - I did not deny this. That does not, however, mean that I am required to forget he exists and forget any chance of a future reconciliation. This isn't about hoping he'll show up and beg my forgiveness or that things will turn around in an instant, rather, it's realizing that it is indeed possible to move forward while still having a place in my heart for my dear ex.

[Eshushi]

The part about you missing him, not a boyfriend is so... Accurate? In my own break (I've been calling it a break over a break up because... All of my signs point to hopeful rekindling) I've learn that I just... Miss my person; however that does not mean I miss him solely as my boyfriend. Its more of an incredibly deepp ache that I'm ignoring as I continue to try and keep a friendship up with him. I told my person that I'm still going to love and support him no matter what because he's one of the most important people in my life. I believe, like you told me, that we should keep on just going through the days and focusing on ourselves. Talking to them can turn out to be okay, I've been talking to mine on 'safe' subjects since the morning of our break and its been going okay. I can't see the future but I really do hope things go in your favor

[valavoo]

The part about you missing him, not a boyfriend is so... Accurate? In my own break (I've been calling it a break over a break up because... All of my signs point to hopeful rekindling) I've learn that I just... Miss my person; however that does not mean I miss him solely as my boyfriend. Its more of an incredibly deepp ache that I'm ignoring as I continue to try and keep a friendship up with him. I told my person that I'm still going to love and support him no matter what because he's one of the most important people in my life. I believe, like you told me, that we should keep on just going through the days and focusing on ourselves. Talking to them can turn out to be okay, I've been talking to mine on 'safe' subjects since the morning of our break and its been going okay. I can't see the future but I really do hope things go in your favor

 

I appreciate your sweet comment. I definitely woke up anxious today so that was really nice to read.

[Eshushi]

I appreciate your sweet comment. I definitely woke up anxious today so that was really nice to read.

 

Haha that's actually why I was answering this as 5/6am, I woke up abruptly really uneasy. By the time I was calmed down my work alarm would be going off in 30 minutes so I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep.

[valavoo]

Haha that's actually why I was answering this as 5/6am, I woke up abruptly really uneasy. By the time I was calmed down my work alarm would be going off in 30 minutes so I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep.

 

I'm so sorry that this occurred for you!

[Ames34]

Hey Valavoo! !

Sorry I just wanted to pop in and say... even though I don't really know you, watching you stick up for yourself on here makes me feel so proud!! Hope you're having a good day today

I've got an update on my situ, I've posted over on my thread if u wanted to have a read

[valavoo]

Hey Valavoo! !

Sorry I just wanted to pop in and say... even though I don't really know you, watching you stick up for yourself on here makes me feel so proud!! Hope you're having a good day today

I've got an update on my situ, I've posted over on my thread if u wanted to have a read

 

 

Thanks...I appreciate it and read yours. I just saw a picture of him hanging with friends on Instagram and it made me sad. I know deep down him being happy around other people doesn't mean he's 100% forgotten about me, but my brain can't help but translate it into things like "oh he looks so much happier without you." Or perhaps "he's happy in that picture, therefore he never will want you again."