BF's family visiting and staying with us... in our tiny apartment. HELP!

[kisca]

I am not missing the point though. Insult them now it will be remembered even when you are comfortable with the boundary.

 

I'm trying not to ... so if you have a positive solution that will make everyone happy id love to hear it.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes you can't make everyone happy. You can offer a hotel... his dad is insulted. His mom might be ok. They can stay with you and you are all upset. Also not the best situation. It IS a hard situation however the best solution is the one that builds family continuity and acceptance if you are planning on being the daughter-in-law.

[itsallgrand]

What would be a practical solution IMO would be to work on the resentment you feel towards your man. Work on making a place that you accept and enjoy as both of yours. Maybe that means moving out of your old apartment to a new place. Or maybe it means changing your attitude away from 'he's stealing my time, and my space' and towards more of a team mindset. It's not him against you, or the parents getting in your way.. you're holding him away until marriage, and that just doesn't work when you live together and are sharing your lives together.

 

Honestly I hear so much resentment in your posts towards him and his dad. Talk of worrying that your work on him will be undone, that you are being displaced from your bed etc... these could be people in your life a long time.. what tone do you want to set here?

 

It's a few days so they can spend real family time with their son.. and you. You can see it as an annoyance or a real opportunity here. You can build relationships here or turn away..

 

You don't have to kiss butt.. just be warm towards them.

[Seraphim]

As a daughter-in-law who has in laws from HELL for decades now I implore you to think of the family building. You don't just marry a man you marry into a family. And you need to make this pleasant.

[sophie274]

What would be a practical solution IMO would be to work on the resentment you feel towards your man. Work on making a place that you accept and enjoy as both of yours. Maybe that means moving out of your old apartment to a new place. Or maybe it means changing your attitude away from 'he's stealing my time, and my space' and towards more of a team mindset. It's not him against you, or the parents getting in your way.. you're holding him away until marriage, and that just doesn't work when you live together and are sharing your lives together.

 

Honestly I hear so much resentment in your posts towards him and his dad. Talk of worrying that your work on him will be undone, that you are being displaced from your bed etc... these could be people in your life a long time.. what tone do you want to set here?

 

It's a few days so they can spend real family time with their son.. and you. You can see it as an annoyance or a real opportunity here. You can build relationships here or turn away..

 

You don't have to kiss butt.. just be warm towards them.

 

Spot on.

 

I don't think I could say it better than itsallgrand, so I won't!

[charity]

I could understand the fuss if they were staying for a few weeks. But a few days?

 

Myself, my mother and my two kids are staying at my brothers and his wife's one bedroom apartment for 2 days later this month as the hotel prices were so ridicules. Its going to be quashed and crammed and we'll be sleeping on the couch and air mattress...... but it's gonna be a blast as well. I hope his wife feels this way too (I'm 99.9% sure she does). If she offered to pay for a hotel due to feeling uncomfortable I'd be very shocked.

[LaHermes]

Kisca. It sounds like an utter nightmare. If you had a house with a couple of bedrooms it would be different. I understand you perfectly. And I don-t get that you have any resentment towards the parents or your BF. And I don't buy into this thing of you marry the man you marry his family!! One must be cordial, helpful and kind. No more.

So, just before we were married and immediately after we lived in quite a small apartment. Sure, family members would come from a different country to stay, so what we did was take another apartment in the building for them for the few days or week or whatever. Everyone was delighted as they had a) privacy, b) could get up or not as they pleased, and c) everyone got together in our apartment for chat, food, drinks and so forth.

 

Everyone in our families understood completely the situation. I think only once when we had a young person visit did we put her on a camp bed in the living room.

 

It is nightmarish to even think of the problem of getting to your wardrobe, and let's not even imagine shower and bathroom.

 

However, it is looking like you will have to grin and bear it. Just try to cultivate some kind of indifference to the whole thing, and at least you will be out at work most of the day!

 

Just to add.

 

"He'd love for them to stay at a hotel too, but his parents are proud and most likely wont accept us paying for them. and they are using points to stay for the few days on their own. It's such a sensitive thing to pay for parents... i dont think they'd see it as a lovely gift as much as an insult."

 

Sensitive for these parents, Kisca. Where I am from and anywhere I have lived lots of people I know give their parents gifts of a stay or a break at a hotel/resort, a trip etc. What is there to be insulted about.

[kisca]

You can see it as an annoyance or a real opportunity here. You can build relationships here or turn away..

 

You don't have to kiss butt.. just be warm towards them.

 

I agree this is an opportunity which is why 4 months in advance i'm trying to work through all the negative feelings i have and find solutions / alternatives to make this experience as pleasant as possible for everyone. My biggest fear is I get so overwhelmed and emotional i lose control. I'm trying to do everything i can to prevent that from happening and instead

make this pleasant.

 

But a few days?

 

Myself, my mother and my two kids are staying at my brothers and his wife's one bedroom apartment for 2 days later this month as the hotel prices were so ridicules.

 

Charity, the difference is it's not just a few days. They are staying 3 days at first, then getting a hotel up the street from our place for the following 3 days (so every evening is dinner and socializing, not even one evening free) and then they want to all travel the following weekend to a different town. That's just the first week, they are here for 2-3 and the rest hasn't been planned out yet. I'm assuming they will return to our place at some point.

 

Also it's not my family. I'm sorry, i love my boyfriend and his parents are good people but they are not my family, not yet. We didn't get to have the wedding "you are now my dauther too" experience, we barely interacted a few times in the 2 years i've known him (bc they live so far away.) And to add to it, it's not like we'll have kids there to add a distraction. This is 2 70 year old parents, a mom who is undoubtedly checking to see what kind of woman i am and am i taking good care of her baby boy, and a father who is stubborn, sexist, and loves to lecture. My own parents live 5 min away and i see them maybe once every two weeks, but having his parents visit for 2 weeks straight, and stay with us a portion of that time... i'm getting a panic attack just thinking about it.

 

 

Kisca. It sounds like an utter nightmare. If you had a house with a couple of bedrooms it would be different. I understand you perfectly. And I don-t get that you have any resentment towards the parents or your BF. And I don't buy into this thing of you marry the man you marry his family!! One must be cordial, helpful and kind. No more.

 

Thank you so much for saying that LaHermes. I'm reading these posts and feel like the worlds worst girlfriend for voicing my concerns. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend and a good hostess. The apartment will be cleaner that it's ever been, the fridge will be stocked, i'm getting new linen, new towels, organizing a family dinner with both sets of parents (which is already terrifying in itself)...i'm just trying to find other practical solutions to grind through this. Because liit's true, i don't really have a choice.

[tattoobunnie]

If you are gunning for a proposal, smile and nod and be cordial, and suck it up when his family is hear, because I guarantee he needs their stamp of approval.

 

Be cool. Gandhi fasted for 21 days. You will just have to not sweat over 3 days of people visiting. I have lived in 400 square foot apartments, and had 5 guests at a time, and we were all happy.

 

I will give you though, a week - ugh, forget it, I'd AirNB them - but 3 days, come on, you can do it.

[LaHermes]

I got you Kisca.

 

"Thank you so much for saying that LaHermes. I'm reading these posts and feel like the worlds worst girlfriend for voicing my concerns. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend and a good hostess. The apartment will be cleaner that it's ever been, the fridge will be stocked, i'm getting new linen, new towels, organizing a family dinner with both sets of parents (which is already terrifying in itself)...i'm just trying to find other practical solutions to grind through this. Because liit's true, i don't really have a choice."

 

And I certainly don't see you "gunning" for any proposal, nor did I see any hint of that in your OP.

 

I don't envy you, and all I can say is close your eyes (figuratively) and think of it as a visit to the dentist (LOL), over and done with before you know it.

 

I like family, don't get me wrong, but there has to be some common-sense too.

[kisca]

he needs their stamp of approval.

I know... which is giving me even more stress.

[LaHermes]

Well, Kisca, one can hope that the down-to-earth Dutch woman will balance out her neurotic husband who is "and a father who is stubborn, sexist, and loves to lecture".

[Generica]

OP, people have made suggestions on how to help you lighten the load. Have you looked into any alternatives? Have you discussed option woth your boyfriend? Does he even know how much stress this is causing you? Is he going to help you make this situation survivable for you?

 

Youre going to get hit from all sides when you ask a group of strangers for life advice. Take what sounds like a fit and leave the rest. You can feel guilty if.you want to but you dont have to.... we all see things in a different way.

 

Me personally - my future MIL is the type of person who must have her own space and im so thankful she would only stay at a hotel and would only visit for two or three days at a time. Im thankful ill never have to worry about being in your shoes because i wouldnt like it either. For me, it has nothing to do with who is family and who isnt..its about.comfort as lahermes described. You can tell his parents that, in your culture, putting them up in a hotel is a gift and the respectful and generous thing to do...old.generation Israel probably sees staying all together under one roof as traditional and respectful and generous....the thing to do. But you can either go with their customs or go with your own. Its your house. If you explain it well and respectfully, im sure you can habe it any way you want. Theyre staying in a hotel part.of the time...theyre.clearly.up for.it. you can.tell your.boyfriend he has.to.get.them into that hotel fulltime.and that you will give.him the money so he can pay for.it.

 

Figure out what all of the options are and find a solution that will work.

[LaHermes]

Yeh. Geeze it is SO true. You can choose your friends but not your family.

 

On a more practical note, Kisca, and re the dinner you are planning. Do not hesitate to take some of the heat off yourself by getting in some of the food from a delicatessen or a caterers. It makes such a difference.

 

And prepare yourself to go down the "whatever you say" or "you are soo right" road with the FIL.

 

Let off steam while you are in and out of the kitchen LOL, and if you know how to swear in an undertone in any other language do so. L. It works wonders.

[tattoobunnie]

If it was a week, I'd say yes, offer alternatives. But with 3 days, even if it will make you go bonkers, you are seen as a person who is not welcoming. I don't care if you need to stay "late" at work, just get through it! Then after 3 days, you are seen as an accommodating lovely lady whom they can't wait to call you their DIL. Plan fun events to do, so it takes out the anxiety of having them there. Museums, dinner OUT, anything, so you're not stuck staring at them the whole time.

[kisca]

Have you looked into any alternatives? Have you discussed option woth your boyfriend? Does he even know how much stress this is causing you? Is he going to help you make this situation survivable for you?

 

So last night when bf brought up his parents i asked casually if he thought they'd think i'm rude if i leave the apartment to the 3 of them and go stay at my parents place. He said they'd find it weird. And ultimately they are coming to see that we are doing well and are happy. So that is out of the question now.

 

Then i couldn't hold it in anymore and told him all my concerns. It backfired. He got upset and said instead of him being excited to see his parents maybe this is a bad idea. Which is not what i wanted at all!!!

 

I told him i'm stressed and he can still be excited to see his parents but t it would do us both a lot of good if he could help me calm my fears. He finally hugged me when he saw i was about to have a breakdown. I dont know who i'm so nervous about all this...

 

Anyway, he said i didnt have to be there at all times, that i could do my own thing, have "plans" one night. And said his parents are easy going and everything will be ok. But i dont think he really gets it.

[kisca]

And prepare yourself to go down the "whatever you say" or "you are soo right" road with the FIL.

 

 

I wish i was built for that. My mom is like that, brushes things off and lets it slide. But i'm this tough cookie of a feminist type girl and god help him if he offends me in my own home. Ugh, this is going to be a nightmare.

[kisca]

I wish i was built for that. My mom is like that, brushes things off and lets it slide. But i'm this tough cookie of a feminist type girl and god help him if he offends me in my own home. Ugh, this is going to be a nightmare.

 

Think i took that a bit to the extreme... He's not awful. And i think he'll be even more considerate since he is a guest. The man does have some sense. I'm just jumping to the worst scenario.

[Generica]

Think i took that a bit to the extreme... He's not awful. And i think he'll be even more considerate since he is a guest. The man does have some sense. I'm just jumping to the worst scenario.

Well its not helping so stop doing that. Youre letting yourself spiral.

[tattoobunnie]

So last night when bf brought up his parents i asked casually if he thought they'd think i'm rude if i leave the apartment to the 3 of them and go stay at my parents place. He said they'd find it weird. And ultimately they are coming to see that we are doing well and are happy. So that is out of the question now.

 

Then i couldn't hold it in anymore and told him all my concerns. It backfired. He got upset and said instead of him being excited to see his parents maybe this is a bad idea. Which is not what i wanted at all!!!

 

I told him i'm stressed and he can still be excited to see his parents but t it would do us both a lot of good if he could help me calm my fears. He finally hugged me when he saw i was about to have a breakdown. I dont know who i'm so nervous about all this...

 

Anyway, he said i didnt have to be there at all times, that i could do my own thing, have "plans" one night. And said his parents are easy going and everything will be ok. But i dont think he really gets it.

 

Yikes - if I were him, I would think you weren't ready to move to the next level where his family becomes your family. I respect that you may stressed about this, but this should be seen as a time to really get to know them, and in so many ways, this is how you really get to know him too - this is how you build intimacy. Spending time with the people who made him the man he is, and you can't keep yourself together for three days kind of says you can't just roll with things, and make the best of things. I guess you two never go camping.

 

I'm really not trying to pick on you, but life is messy. And geez, once you have kids, forget about having control on everything. That anxiety you feel - it's the loss of control, and that's why it's stressing you out. You need to really consider, what's more important, three days of order, or welcoming people into your home that could be actual family and grandparents to your kids?

 

I should reiterate, I come from a very traditional household with a man's man, and he's the most loving dad and person in the whole world, and the most nicest.

 

I run three companies, and mentor women to grow into leadership positions, and I know how to be gracious about other people's opinions - just because they say something, it does not mean it is so. This is the time you learn how to be strong in what you believe in, and that also means knowing when to pick your battles, and when to just be loving.

 

His dad made the man you love, him. So don't be a tool, and be cool with them as guests. It's 3 days. Anyone can survive without food for three days. And I'm sure you can make it with clothes set aside for 3 days.

[LaHermes]

Kisca.

 

" But i'm this tough cookie of a feminist type girl and god help him if he offends me in my own home"

 

I am a tough cookie too LOL. Though not particularly "feminist". But I am also perfectly capable of no, not brushing it off, but saying something apparently harmless but with a glint in my eye. You get the picture. My friends and family call it "the look". LOL.

 

You'll be OK.

 

Maybe he won't be so bad. Have you ever spoken to him before, even by phone?

[kisca]

Kisca.

My friends and family call it "the look". LOL.

 

Oh yeah, i know the look very well We spent 2 weeks at their house last year and they were great. But i think what made it great was my bf showing me around the city and meeting his friends most of the time. We didn't spend much time with them at the house. Also i got a cold bc it's freezing there and well, was medicated most of the trip! LOL This will be different because we are hosting so we are on all day every day / evening.

[kisca]

Thank you all for the help / advice. I have 4 months to get used to the idea and plan for their arrival. I appreciate everyone suggestions and hopefully i'm blowing this out of proportion. They are good people, and who knows, I may be surprised to learn I like having them around. All the best to everyone, Julia.

[LaHermes]

Best of luck Julia. It will be OK on the day.

 

Just murmur to yourself "Showtime" as the three days start, à la Jack Nicholson lol.

[Seraphim]

They raised him didn't they? If they are nice people be happy. You could end up with people like my in-laws who said, " you will NEVER be part of this family , EVER. " or when our second son passed away in utero I was told, " well it was for the best dear you looked horrible anyway. " At our son's funeral they had to hijack it and make mention of his dad's sister who had a stroke . So they had the priest say prayers for his dad's sister right in the middle of our son's funeral .

 

You could get people who when you visit for 27 years stuff you in a basement away from the rest of the family, yup, just you.

 

So if you have nice in-laws make the best of it.