I want her back but she needs something more

[idkwhat2dohelp]

Okay, a little background.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I are both 18, and just recently finished highschool. Beginning September we'll both be going to separate colleges which are about 2 hours away. It's not unrealistic that I wouldn't be able to see her on weekends, so long distance is a possibility if I get her back. Now, onto the problem. I have struggled with mental health issues for the duration of the relationship, often leading to days of fighting where I would numb any feeling and say hurtful things to my ex (not abusive things, just hurtful things that seemed cold), and it would consistently seem like I just didn't care for her in the same way she cared for me. This put a tremendous strain on our relationship, and she broke up with me (for about 4 hours before we got back together) due to these reasons. I told her that I would work on everything, and she apologized for making such a rash decision as she instantly regretted breaking up with me and realized that we should just try and work through these issues. Ever since that day I had had my doubts about the longevity of the relationship, but I loved her and wanted it to work out.

 

Earlier in the relationship she had asked me to stop smoking marijuana, which helped to temporarily ease a lot of the depression I would feel. This may have been counterproductive though, as after one of our fights instead of smoking weed I cut myself repeatedly as a way "solving" some of the thoughts I was having. After nearly following through on committing suicide due to feelings of inadequacy and self hatred, I knew that something needed to change. I began smoking weed again, but I failed to tell her about it and she discovered I had after almost of month of it becoming habitual again. It was on that night that we had a terrible fight, and me, being a little drunk from earlier on in the night with friends, shouted "f*ck your parents" on her front lawn in front of her neighbors - this was after she had said something along the lines of "my parents were right about you." As she stormed into her house, I began walking back to mine and got a call from her where she said "come back or this is over." I came back, and basically broke down in her room telling her about the suicidal thoughts and attempts. She reassured me everything was going to be okay and we had a long talk with her parents and everything seemed to be okay. The next day was a different story.

 

I woke up feeling terrible about the night before, and had a pit in my stomach that wouldn't go away. Instead of feeling relief after telling her everything and her being so caring to me, I felt self loathing and I really despised myself. The thing was, this was the day of our highschool prom. I wished that these feelings would just go away in time for that, but by preprom (where everyone gets blackout drunk before prom) I had made up my mind that I wasn't good enough for her and she didn't deserve to have someone so messed up as a boyfriend. Unfortunately I got incredibly drunk and, not thinking clearly, I broke up with her. On her prom night. She cried the whole night was inconsolable from her friends or anyone. I felt terrible about the whole thing and tried apologizing that night, but she didn't want to see me. Eventually she came up to me, kissed me, hugged me, and then said she'd never forgive me.

 

I barely remember the weekend after that, but on Sunday she messaged me and said she did forgive me. I told her how much I was sorry for everything, and that I hated myself for doing that to her. And she was caring, forgiving, and loving with me even after all of that. After that night I resolved to make myself a better person, and I started working as hard as I could to fix the mental issues that I was dealing with. I had been seeing a therapist, I began going to the gym every day, I ate well, I quit drinking and smoking entirely. After just a couple days I felt better and we began talking a little over facebook. I didn't think we were going to get back together, but I hoped we could and that she could look past everything that happened if I became a better person. We began talking a lot more, and it looked like, at least in a little bit, we might even get back together again. Then I had another day where nothing was right in my mind and I hated myself more than ever. I became incredibly jealous when she was talking to a random guy in our class (who has a girlfriend of 3 years), and I skipped the class to extradite myself from the situation and calm down. But when she messaged me everything got worse again, and I queried her about talking to the guy. She was shocked I even thought anything of it, as they had just talked a little bit, and said it was none of my business because we weren't even together. She said she had absolutely no feelings for him, and that she still loved me. Then she said the reason she was kind of detached from me that day was because she had found out her coworkers were planning a surprise prom for her cause everyone had felt so bad about me dumping her at hers. And then she said "I felt special and valued, something I never felt with you."

 

At that moment, I don't know if it was the self loathing or whatever, I lost control of my emotions. I couldn't deal with hating myself anymore, so I moved those emotions onto her and said SHE was the reason I was depressed. I instantly apologized, but not before she had said "Never talk to me again. We are so incredibly over." However, she was still so in love with me that she couldn't really say goodbye, and that whole night we talked. I ended up asking for her to stay, and I told her how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me, and how sorry I was for everything that had happened. She said she'd take some time to think, then 2 days later said she can't just come back to me because I wrote her a nice message at 1am. Also her parents think I'm literally the devil, and don't want her even looking at me again. But she still wants me, and she still wants me to come back. I understand completely. I know I can be a good person to her though. I know I can. I need to show her that I can though, and that's where I need help.

 

How can I show her, and her parents, that she should come back to me? She needs to see me making a sincere effort and a real change, which I am doing. How can I show this to her? A grand gesture or something else?

[WombatShadow]

You can show her by letting her be for a while and actually working on your problems without leaning on her. If she reaches out, feel free to talk about light subjects (not relationship stuff, not who she's talking to/seeing, not your mental issues). If she doesn't, don't chase after her right now. You're not in a good place to be reforming a relationship with this young woman.

 

I get that mental illness is a tough beast to conquer, but it's only been, what, a month since you began doing better(ish)? That's not enough time to show any modicum of real change. You're taking steps in the right direction, but you're still saying incredibly hurtful things to her. She needs some time to detach from the situation and see if she really wants you and not just a pedastaled-version of you, you need time to heal and figure out the same thing, and then you need to work on your relationship together. Her parents have every right to dislike you after what you did to her.

 

Good luck fighting your internal battles, OP.

[idkwhat2dohelp]

You can show her by letting her be for a while and actually working on your problems without leaning on her. If she reaches out, feel free to talk about light subjects (not relationship stuff, not who she's talking to/seeing, not your mental issues). If she doesn't, don't chase after her right now. You're not in a good place to be reforming a relationship with this young woman.

 

I get that mental illness is a tough beast to conquer, but it's only been, what, a month since you began doing better(ish)? That's not enough time to show any modicum of real change. You're taking steps in the right direction, but you're still saying incredibly hurtful things to her. She needs some time to detach from the situation and see if she really wants you and not just a pedastaled-version of you, you need time to heal and figure out the same thing, and then you need to work on your relationship together. Her parents have every right to dislike you after what you did to her.

 

Good luck fighting your internal battles, OP.

 

Okay, thank you for the advice. She did reach out last night, and said quite planely "I love you so much." We continued talking, and I told her I loved her as well, but the problem still remains as to how we can actually get back together. I know that time and space is often helpful in these situations, but with the current situation involving us leaving for school I feel like that isn't an option. It would need to be a semi-long distance relationship soon, with only a few visits a month. I feel like we need to have a strong foundation for that to work. A couple nights ago we met at a concert in our town and I talked to her and told her I wasn't giving up on us and that I loved her and would do anything for her. I walked her part of the way home and she said that she loved me, wanted me, but was needing something more than just words. Then she embraced and kissed me. I assume this means actions, but I'm not sure that the absence of contact and leaving her be are the best options just due to the extenuating circumstances. I don't think she wants to be left alone in all honesty, I think she's wanting me to do something. I just don't know what to do.

[MissCanuck]

OP, what are you currently doing to address your mental health struggles? Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

That is what she and her parents will need to see happening, but you should really be doing it for yourself. If you had suicidal thoughts and resorted to self-harm, you need consistent and long-term professional care. A grand gesture will be useless if concrete and legitimate steps are not being taken to resolve the underlying anger, depression and anxiety.

 

Unfortunately, if she's moving away to school (which is a huge change in and of itself) and her parents don't approve of you anymore, the odds are very much stacked against you.

[idkwhat2dohelp]

OP, what are you currently doing to address your mental health struggles? Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

That is what she and her parents will need to see happening, but you should really be doing it for yourself. If you had suicidal thoughts and resorted to self-harm, you need consistent and long-term professional care. A grand gesture will be useless if concrete and legitimate steps are not being taken to resolve the underlying anger, depression and anxiety.

 

Unfortunately, if she's moving away to school (which is a huge change in and of itself) and her parents don't approve of you anymore, the odds are very much stacked against you.

 

I am seeing a therapist, and unfortunately I already was when I broke up with her. I was already making an effort when it ended, I just had had a terrible week. She needs to see me trying to win her back, and so do her parents. I don't know where to start though.

[Giblesp]

Ok, I got to the part about cutting yourself.

 

What you need to do, is solve what going on in yourself first. Otherwise, all your intimate relationships will be doomed. No girl wants a man who's depressed and cutting themselves dude, to say the least.

 

We all have thoughts and reactions we dont want in one way or another. The trick is to find a way to deal with it, an outlet. Id recommend getting into intense physical activity, gym, swimming, martial arts.... whatever takes your fancy. I got into fitness when I was about your age, I'm a trainer now. I've been there with what you're describing and I've seen many others find the solution in their own training also.

 

Its the best medicine, and a great starting point to improving your life and finding yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, honestly, this girl isn't worth it, OP.

 

You have too much to resolve in your personal life before you should be devoting energy to dating.

 

Her parents are not likely to come around and she is likely to drift away from you anyway after she moves to college. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I really feel you need to be putting your mental health above a girl who in all probability will remain as a high-school girlfriend.