Insanely jealous of his ex wife

[gemsyv]

Gem:

 

In your OP what you really wanted was feedback on your acknowledged jealousy issues. Right?

 

I either stay and feel anxious every time I know they've been talking or leave the love of my life. Lose/Lose!!

 

Again, how do you feel you are progressing with the therapist on this issue?

 

As you can see I am trying to adhere to your initial question as that was the only question you wanted addressed.

 

I've had a couple of hypnotherapy sessions which have really helped with the self esteem element so hopefully a couple more will address the jealousy part!

[gemsyv]

You're welcome! I just stated a few reasons for why he is calling her, but I'm sure he has his own reasons. Now I think about it, maybe he thinks how his daughter is such a priority, especially being sick, that he is trying to get more help or information through the mother; hence he's worried about his daughter and isn't focusing on the mother at all

 

That is such a good point. The ex is just the communication tool! I'll try and keep that thought

[LaHermes]

Good to hear that Gem. But I feel that just a couple more sessions of therapy (counselling I mean) would perhaps not be sufficient.

 

I say this because there are few more corrosive - and futile - emotions than jealousy. Corrosive for the person who is jealous, and for the relationship too.

 

Let us hope it works out for you.

[JA0371]

Jealousy....to me...is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.

It really has NO redeeming outcomes, so why go there? You're building up uneccessary resentment for someone who might actually be a wonderful person...if 'only' they werent the 'boyfriends ex'. This woman has done nothing to you. She is simply the ex wife and co parent of his daughter.

 

Thinking of it in these terms....doesn't it seem pretty silly?

[gemsyv]

Good to hear that Gem. But I feel that just a couple more sessions of therapy (counselling I mean) would perhaps not be sufficient.

 

I say this because there are few more corrosive

 

Sorry I should have said the Hypno is alongside the counselling.

[gemsyv]

Jealousy....to me...is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.

It really has NO redeeming outcomes, so why go there? You're building up uneccessary resentment for someone who might actually be a wonderful person...if 'only' they werent the 'boyfriends ex'. This woman has done nothing to you. She is simply the ex wife and co parent of his daughter.

 

Thinking of it in these terms....doesn't it seem pretty silly?

 

 

Please I don't think badly of her. I've made that quite explicit in my other posts here. It's not personal to her at all.

[JA0371]

Please I don't think badly of her. I've made that quite explicit in my other posts here. It's not personal to her at all.

 

Sorry if my analogy was harsh...

I learned long ago that being jealous or resentful of others still doesn't give us what we want. All it does is make us suffer in silence, when we should be happy and living our own lives... That's all.

[gemsyv]

Sorry if my analogy was harsh...

I learned long ago that being jealous or resentful of others still doesn't give us what we want. All it does is make us suffer in silence, when we should be happy and living our own lives... That's all.

 

I know and that's why it's such a frustrating, pointless, irrational emotion. I'd give anything not to feel it. Thanks for your comments. I remember you responded to me 5 years ago when I had split with my ex

[JA0371]

I know and that's why it's such a frustrating, pointless, irrational emotion. I'd give anything not to feel it. Thanks for your comments. I remember you responded to me 5 years ago when I had split with my ex

 

Awww..thanks for remembering me

[RainyCoast]

focus on all the wondeful proof you have that he wants a child with you and means it.

 

he is actively working on it, and you have made the child aware that this is in the works, and also pulled it off in a way that has made her happy and excited for the baby, and your pregnancy, and she is comfortable with the new family arrangement. that is huge.

 

they are both excited you'll be a mom.

 

 

 

the phonecall thing i'm pretty sure Batya nailed it. speaking for myself, i might think sending a text and then having to wait for a reply would keep the issue at the back of my head until i have heard from the person. i might consider it an unnecessary expenditure of time and thought, and so would think i'd just get it done quickly via a ten second phonecall. calls being secondary to in-person communication, i would prefer to talk to a loved one at home, at length and leisure, skipping the restrictions that phonecalls, especially when done in public or at work tend to carry.

 

he adores you. the child adores you. both already like the future baby, and the new shape of the family.

 

let her have the laughable ten seconds of "i packed her cough syrup", no way is he doing that as a sign of affection, or of their purely parental connection exceeding the one with you in any way.

[IAmFCA]

OP, My personal experience may be validating...

 

My exH's now wife clearly saw me as a threat earlier in their relationship. I've not the faintest idea why, except (1) they started dating while he and I were married, so she didn't trust his ability to hold clear boundaries; (2) he and I talk or text freely and sometimes we catch up about one another's job, parents, etc.; (3) the kids I am raising (ours) are excelling whereas the one they are rising (hers) is rebellious, underperforming in all respects. All seem to acknowledge that I am the best parent of the four of us and have talked about - and approached me - for advice as to how to raise hers. (4) Worse -- he circumvents her oversight, such as if he wants to contribute something financially, he will do it in cash so that she doesn't see it.

 

I will sometimes call him rather than text because it is the only way I know our conversation remains private, or at least, unwritten. We also text.

 

He and I would no more go to coffee together much less be inclined romantically. Even our kids are amazed that we ever dated at all.

 

I write all of this because among my exH's string of girlfriends/wives, the only one who didn't try to control him was me. Our relationship failed. Their dynamic of her trust-but-verify and his cat-and-mouse behavior are well-matched. In such a context her jealousy was logical and his comfort working around her demonstrates same. They are well matched.

 

In recent years she seems to be more comfortable. Also, now they have a toddler. I think she now feels she has more control over him than I do, and I do think that has been part of her concern. Ironically, it never was one of mine, though I am concerned about his ability to provide financial support for college years, inheritance, and the like. Even so, I simply do not have any designs on him of any sort, even though I love his parents, am glad when he and I have genuine conversations, and always will have an intimate knowledge of him, who he is, and what makes him tick.

[Starlight925]

gemsyv, I get totally your discomfort here. Your boyfriend's ex-wife of course is the mother of their child, but it seems like they are spending too much time talking, as if one, or both, of them is still hanging on in some way, always finding some "reason" to talk about the child. Of course, if the child is ill, or has something special at school, that's one thing, but in most cases involving children, when one parent has the child, they just arrange to drop them off at their time, and they really have no need to communicate until then. Your boyfriend and his ex are holding each other on a string, using the child as the method. It just all seems too.....excessive, to me. I know, put the child first, of course. But this does seem too much.

 

Having said that, yes, he moved in within 4 months, which is really soon. Many people wait 6 months to a year to even introduce their child, and a couple of years for a move like that. So this is all happening really quickly.

 

So, I read your old thread about your breakup a few years ago, where he had too much contact with exes, particularly ones who still professed their love for him. This bothered you, and caused you to become insecure and clingy, and you sought help for it. You know what? I think your ex was in the wrong. I think your ex should have long ago cut off those exes, and enforced boundaries, so that nothing of that sort would taint your relationship. And then to call you clingy and needy, is akin to gaslighting. Here, I'm doing something you don't like, and I'll keep doing it, and I'll blame you for how it makes you feel, until you feel you are crazy and need help. Reading your old thread actually made me mad.

 

I bring up your past because it seems that there are similar issues going on here, and I'm wondering if there is something within you that you could look at, to see if you are drawn to men with strong ties to their exes? Which will of course bring up insecurity (normal!!), and the guy blames it on you, and you think you're crazy. Which, by the way, I don't think you are. This would all bug me a lot.

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP... you are an intelligent 36yr old woman, are aware that there's nothing going on romantically between your partner and his ex, and also recognise that it's your issue. The fact that you have a pattern of relationships where the guy has a strong tie to his ex suggests unfinished business from long ago.

 

This is just a thought, but when I had issues around jealousy of ex's, I got past it in counselling not by looking at adult relationships, but how my parents dealt with sibling rivalry when we were children. For example, I had a partner who had an ex who acted as though she could twist him round her little finger, would push me out of the way to go and swarm all over him and generally ignore me when he was around. On the one hand, he would respond to the flirting but on the other hand, rationally, I knew there was no way it was going any further than that. In truth, he was - and still is - quite neglectful emotionally to his actual partners.

 

So many people who felt emotionally deprived as children, or had parents/carers who paid more attention to others whilst neglecting THEM, are likely to be vulnerable to this kind of feeling. We are also likely to (unconsciously) set ourselves up in situations which replicate the emotions, or not move out of the way once these dynamics come clear.

 

It's OK to walk away from people with unfinished business if it's causing us pain, and I have to say these days I wouldn't hang around in a relationship where my needs weren't being met. But we can cause ourselves even more pain by wishing and hoping things were different, or that people were different, when neither of these things is likely to happen.

[eidetic]

OP, a few clarifying questions -- feel free to PM if any of it is touchy:

 

Sometimes jealousy/insecurity is about the way the relationship began. You've said that he left her -- did he leave her for you? This can be anything from an affair within their marriage, to a relationship he started with you while separated or in divorce proceedings. No judgment from me either way, just observing that sometimes there is dual processing going on until divorce is complete and also completely in the past.

 

Sometimes jealousy/insecurity happens when we are noticing that what we want in intimacy is given by the loved one to someone else. Did/do you want to be married to him? Is that something you two have co-dreamt and talked about together? And if so, is there agreement about it? And a timeline for it?

 

I ask that because any part of you that dreams of being married to and family with him, may feel increasingly undervalued and uncertain as long as he is having these "ordinary" conversations with the woman who preceded you in the role of wife and child's mother. If you do want to be married and have children with him, it's not out of order for you to feel vexed or hurt that she was "worth it", if so far, you're getting a message that you're possibly not. Again, this all may be colored by how recently their divorce completed or whether it was still in process when your intimacy began, and depending what their divorce content or marital conflict was, it may be a while before he feels he can marry again safely. That is less about you than about still processing the errors or failings of first marriage. If they had a high conflict divorce or any custody dispute, that's difficult to get past and to trust marriage or to solidly completely commit again. It doesn't mean anyone is a bad person or wrong, it just means there is a lot to work through, and the work takes patience, strength, and time.

 

I don't agree that his child is the most important person in his life, although I do understand the position of other respondents here. I don't know a lot of divorced dads who are looking for a ...what? A spare mom? And some men who face this in their own divorced parenthood can be pretty derisive about a subsequent woman's role with their kids. But even the ex-wife or bio mom may see this differently and acknowledge and respect your role as a trusted and proven ally or "bonus person" to their child -- and ultimately may make peace with your role with their ex and child, and hope and even pray that you stick around. (Even if on the surface they apparently want nothing to do with you as a new bestie.) Ironically that may anger the bio dad, too, because it means that the ex-wife may someday or already give that same level of respect to a new man who enters the lives of both the ex-wife and the child, and stays on. If that makes sense. The other thing is that yes, actually, divorced dads do look for partners to shore up their parenting. That can be viewed as reasonable or opportunistic, no judgment here, but it does happen. A lot. Single parenting is pretty stressful for anyone and it helps to have a steady assist and confidante/partner in the whole process.

 

Ideally, a former couple coparents well together, attending a child's events together and discussing whatever needs discussion, at length when necessary and with authentic respect for each other's possibly differing positions or concerns. I understand that you see this in your guy's dynamic, but maybe with an element of continued dependency from the ex-wife. If he left her, that element of dependency seems pretty normal? And he may also tolerate it out of guilt for putting her in a hard position. (Tread lightly with that possibility, because touching someone else's guilt sometimes results in a lot of defensiveness. I'm not sure how any of that is supposed to work itself out, or whether it belongs safely in the current couplehood's discussions.)

 

If their daughter is young, or the only child, both parents are in unchartered territory and it falls to them legitimately to collaborate on any and everything. That's not to say your input doesn't count; in a sense, your relationship with the child is a support for and alliance with both of the bio parents. You may be a "bonus person" to both of them, too.

 

What I want to say here for anyone's benefit is that in some faith traditions, it's well established that a marital relationship trumps the parent-child relationship. For the secular, it just means that a committed adult partnership is legitimately higher priority than parent-child. These old traditions may not sit well with contemporary couples (or children) for whatever reason. Just food for thought, and there's a ton of argument for or against this belief elsewhere online. Not that "this is how it should be" -- but rather that if you have even unconscious expectation that the primary relationship is the one between the adult partners, there's old, old foundation for it. It's not an unreasonable expectation, but it may not be well supported in today's culture.

 

Loving someone else's child is a gift. I want to point out delicately here that if you are not married, it gets dicey if the adult relationship goes south or plain ends. That's a confusion and hurt for the child, who may be resilient and eventually ok with the loss, but especially for the non-parent who wanted marriage and family and to love the child and adult lifelong, there are deeper dreams at stake, and a dual or multiple loss can be very difficult to accept.

 

I think it's rare to find partners who truly love our children, the way children deserve. And that when such a partner is found, and proven, that's worth acknowledgement and safekeeping. So if any of this is driving your jealousy or insecurity, it's worth a respectful address between you and your guy. If he's resistant, it will be up to you individually to determine whether even with the love you feel for both man and child, is this relationship and man giving you what you truly want. If it isn't and he isn't, even feeling the love that you feel, you may choose to bow out and make room for a more accurate match. Better sooner than later, and as gently as possible. That may feel like abandonment, and on some level that's basically what it is -- but if this man is not able to give you the acknowledgement or level of intimacy/priority that you want, staying in this circumstance may be a way that you are abandoning your own self and heart. Just something to think on.

[TheRawTruth]

Before asking us what to do, I want you to ask YOURSELF a question:

 

What can HE do to make YOU FEEL better? Be honest about it too. What can be done to fix this? Stop communicating with his ex wife all together? Stop seeing his daughter? Move across the country?

 

None of those are realistic or viable options. Which means that you're arguing with him is futile. You don't just argue with someone because you're upset. You argue to eventually resolve the problem that MAKES you upset. And in THIS case, there IS no solution. So why argue?

 

You said if you had known you'd be in this situation 18 months ago, you wouldn't have pursued it. But I assume you knew he had a daughter before you moved in together, so you also knew there was bound to be contact between he and the ex. Why this crept up on you and surprised you is beyond me.

 

Luckily for you, I don't just point out flaws, I fix problems. So, I am going to fix yours.

 

Instead of nagging, fussing, or b****ing the next time he talks to her, sit him down. Say "Listen. I don't wanna fight with you babe. I don't wanna be irrational because I know you can't change the situation. But maybe we can make it work better for us? Are you willing to try to compromise with me so this won't be such an issue anymore? Cuz I really hate fighting with you about it."

 

At that point, if he's a REASONABLE guy, and WANTS things to improve, he'll say YEAH. So just ask him if he can limit the contact to texting UNLESS it's really important. Or, "if you're gonna talk to her every 5 minutes, can you at least not give ME such a hard time when I want a phone call?" (Though DON'T SAY every 5 minutes like I did. LOL That was just me being an a**.) See if he's willing to meet you halfway.

 

Good luck!

[gemsyv]

gemsyv, I get totally your discomfort here. Your boyfriend's ex-wife of course is the mother of their child, but it seems like they are spending too much time talking, as if one, or both, of them is still hanging on in some way, always finding some "reason" to talk about the child. Of course, if the child is ill, or has something special at school, that's one thing, but in most cases involving children, when one parent has the child, they just arrange to drop them off at their time, and they really have no need to communicate until then. Your boyfriend and his ex are holding each other on a string, using the child as the method. It just all seems too.....excessive, to me. I know, put the child first, of course. But this does seem too much.

 

Having said that, yes, he moved in within 4 months, which is really soon. Many people wait 6 months to a year to even introduce their child, and a couple of years for a move like that. So this is all happening really quickly.

 

So, I read your old thread about your breakup a few years ago, where he had too much contact with exes, particularly ones who still professed their love for him. This bothered you, and caused you to become insecure and clingy, and you sought help for it. You know what? I think your ex was in the wrong. I think your ex should have long ago cut off those exes, and enforced boundaries, so that nothing of that sort would taint your relationship. And then to call you clingy and needy, is akin to gaslighting. Here, I'm doing something you don't like, and I'll keep doing it, and I'll blame you for how it makes you feel, until you feel you are crazy and need help. Reading your old thread actually made me mad.

 

I bring up your past because it seems that there are similar issues going on here, and I'm wondering if there is something within you that you could look at, to see if you are drawn to men with strong ties to their exes? Which will of course bring up insecurity (normal!!), and the guy blames it on you, and you think you're crazy. Which, by the way, I don't think you are. This would all bug me a lot.

 

 

Hi LhGirl, thanks for your response and apologies for the delay. I can honestly say I don't believe either of them are hanging on. Well obviously I can't speak for his ex as but she has been dating someone else for 3 years now and nothing that I've ever read on texts etc would ever suggest she still has feelings for my BF. But I can certainly say that my BF doesn't feel anything for her. He has made that very clear and the main reason for him leaving her in the first place was because he was never in love with her and staying for the sake of their daughter would have been wrong. So whilst I feel the contact can be a bit too frequent it is only for the sake of their daughter who has had lots of health and school issues to discuss of late.

 

Thanks for looking up my old thread! I'm very glad that relationship is over as there would be no way on this planet that I would ever have gotten used to the 'friendships' my ex had with a string of women, many of those exes, and it would seem from what I gathered on social media several years later he is still friends with all 3 women he has dated since me and I'd still be very much in his life if I hadn't have cut ties but at the time it made me feel like I wasn't his priority and my feelings didn't matter so maybe I have bought those insecurities into this relationship. I'm working on it though so hopefully I'll work them out over time

[gemsyv]

OP, a few clarifying questions

 

Hi eidetic,

They had been separated for 2.5 years before we got together and she had been with someone else for a year at that point so there was a lot of time apart before I came along. Their divorce was very straight forward. We are totally on the same path with our future around marriage and babies so I know that I will have my own dream with him one day and only yesterday he said that whilst his daughter wasn't planned and he didn't think he wanted children, he now knows that after meeting me he knows that's exactly what he wants from life and it was only because he was never actually in love with her that he didn't think he wanted to be a father, so I feel very secure there.

 

Things have actually been better over the last couple of weeks for us and I think my original post about him calling her often was a complete over reaction (he does call me) as I was having a bad day and it all got on top of me.