why was he hiding his girlfriend from me?

[jordamariola]

We are studying in grad school together (both 30). We have been good friends in the past 6 months and have been texting pretty much every day since the last 3 months. We would text day and night, study together, support each other during rough times and discuss the details of our daily lives.

He would even let me know of what he is doing when he is travelling. Last week I learned that he has a girlfriend and was shocked. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he became defensive and angry and told me he would tell me but I never asked. I am pretty sad and and feel insulted because I liked him a lot and feel that he was hiding it on purpose, especially because he had so many opportunities to tell me. I stopped contact with him immediately but I still cannot understand what his intentions were as he always avoided going on a date with me or he never made things physical. I believe that if we were only friends I would know about it. What do you think?

[RainyCoast]

you are right, imo.

 

he didn't tell you because he wanted a semblance of a relationship with you, for whatever reason (they are long distance, it's not entirely satisfying, a rough patch, he simply likes this closeness/affection from multiple sources etc), without giving up the actual one.

 

yeah, a friend would feel no need to hide it, and yeah, it is unfair as him omitting that he is taken, coupled with behavior of significant intimacy, was misleading to you.

 

it sounds like emotional cheating, conscious and planned on his part, that you were made an unsuspecting accomplice to via this omitted fact.

 

good riddance.

[Annia]

He probably didn't want anything serious with you because he has a girlfriend, but at the same time he wanted the ego boost of having you interested in him and having someone to flirt with, and so he omitted that he has a girlfriend.

[Batya33]

What Annia wrote. A friend of mine was in that situation except that he hid it for 4 years and the girlfriend was a friend of hers (they kept their relationship secret from the group in which they were involved). It's misleading but since he was not dating you it also was not really your business what he did in his private life. I can see why it's frustrating though!

[j.man]

To be honest, this perplexes me a bit. No dates, nothing physical-- was there even any hitting on each other going on? Did you yourself ever make it known you were interested in anything other than study / chat buddies? Were you sporting your evening tank-top during these study sessions? Were these sessions even private, for that matter-- as in each others' homes? Just trying to think of things most would consider a bit more concretely inappropriate. I admit it does sound a tad misleading and it is understandably frustrating given you liked him, but I'm assuming it's not like you two met off OKCupid. Sounds like things started without a dating pretense and, after 6 months knowing each other, still lacks it. At that point, I'd have to say it's on you for not reading he wasn't interested in anything more.

 

Now, would I be happy if I discovered my girlfriend was talking to another guy daily, studying together often, but not once in 6 months dropping my name? I'm sure not. But if there was legit nothing romantic going on, whether physically or romantically, I'd be willing to hear her out.

[glitterfingers]

One thing to consider: how long have they been together? If their relationship is newish, would make a lot more sense why he didn't say something sooner because of the way some relationships develop, which can be a slow process. Without more information about his relationship, it's hard to know if he wasn't simply talking to multiple women at the same time who he was interested in.

 

Either way, if a guy doesn't want to hang out or flirt with you, he's just stringing you along. Take this as a lesson learned, and do a slow fade on this chump.

[jordamariola]

Thanks for your answers - very helpful. At times the amount of attention he showed me was ridiculous. Many days I woke up to his good morning messages as early as 6 a.m. He wanted to hear every boring detail e.g. what I'm having for dinner, what class I am in, continuously asking for information every day. I always thought he showed more attention than normal friends do, but then, never asked out either. Assuming we were just friends, then, why did he always avoid meeting outside as friends do (we live 300 metres apart) and given how close we are, never told me about his girlfriend? All these questions in my head...

[Ms Darcy]

I gotta agree with Jman. It sounds like in your answer that there was never any physical contact or anything like that.

 

I can't help but wonder how long you would have been happy with all of his attention without any escalation. 6 months a long time to wait for a kiss, for example.

 

I understand why you are upset, because you thought he was interested. But I don't understand why you never asked him on a date or escalated things on your own if you thought he was interested.