How to let go for right now to heal?

[NopeDerp]

I need some practical and specific advice if anyone has it. Here is the long story:

 

A few months ago, my ex of 3 yrs came home one night out of nowhere and left me for a friend. He thought he was unhappy with me, but as soon as he left he knew he had made a mistake and the problem was really himself. He is still with the rebound and is now working on his mental health to avoid making any other rash decisions and find happiness for himself. We have spoken and agree we both meant everything to each-other, but he is with someone else now and needs to get his own mental health sorted out now.

 

He apologized, knows what he did was wrong, and regrets all of it. I have forgiven, and we are on good terms.We agreed to look far into the future at a possible reconciliation, very far off only if all things in both our lives align properly. I have considered all the reasons we might not be able to get back together (trust, mental health, new relationships ect), and know it may not happen at all ever. But all things considered I would consider the risk of getting back together anyway someday.

 

My problem is, I can't stop thinking of everything as time waiting for when he will be back. I know this is possibly YEARS from now, but I can't stop thinking about it everyday. I know logically it will not happen soon, but my feelings still pine for him. I'm subconsciously gearing many things towards him again someday. Like my thoughts and interests, even ridiculous drafted stories in my head about all the funny things I can't wait to tell him again someday.

 

I am dating and looking for someone for a casual relationship now, but I definitely don't want to treat someone as a rebound so I'm making sure nobody mistakes it as something serious. I would love my own relationship eventually but don't have the feelings to commit to someone just yet and that's not fair to anyone.

 

But for myself to heal and maybe for a successful reconciliation later, either way I need to mentally and emotionally let go of him and what we had and move on alone and then leave space for someone else.

 

So my ultimate question is, how do I push this FAR FAR FAR back into my thoughts/feelings and ACTUALLY MOVE ON?

[Wiseman2]

He cheated, he's with her now. It would be best to stay no contact and delete and block him from all social media. Move forward not backward.

 

Make sure your life fills up with new friends and activities . Join groups, clubs, take classes, volunteer. Get in shape. Update your looks, new clothes, hair, etc. Work on yourself. Get therapy to unpack why you stayed and why you want to "wait years" for someone who walked out the door with someone else.

 

This may leave you feeling emptier than trying to date for real and be on hold for him to come back 6799080]Ok so I'm almost 2months out of a long term relationship, and all i want is a friend with benefits or booty call. (Yes I am on birth control and carry condoms). I've been to parties, I've been on Tinder.

[No1]

As I see it, you never made that clean cut. One of both of you were too chicken to cut it off completely and were nice and gave each other a door opening to a possible reconciliation. While he is off with another girl gathering his mind. You are in a self imposed limbo. You don't want to start anything and get too serious for fear that it would be hard to break up with someone IF your X decides he wants back into your life. That's pretty much how I see it.

From your post how is it possible for a guy to work on his mental health while dating someone else? Why couldn't he work on his mental health with you? So that excuse has to be thrown out the window. Excuses and reasons like that are fall backs, break up nets, or you say that to let someone down easy. If he really wanted to work on his mental health, he would be single and seeing a professional on a regular basis. But instead the problems he has are just carried right over to the new relationship.

When you said you don't want to commit because it wouldn't be fair to anyone.. are you talking more about the guy you have to break it off with? Don't want to hurt anyone else, then don't date until you are ready.

 

Until you make a clean break from your X and admit that its over, you are going to be in this limbo that you shouldn't have to be in. Here is a secret and don't tell anyone I told you.. but if a guy wants to be with you, he would walk to the ends of the Earth just to be with you. Fact is, he doesn't. He made up some excuse and he made it so that you would be the second and best option if this doesn't work out for him. He got a sweet deal out of it. I bet you that he calls or texts you every so often to ask you if you are seeing anyone. He doesn't get mad if you say yes, but this is a way to let you know that the option of him coming back are there. Just a reminder...

 

You cant look to the future unless you put the past behind you. Its that simple

[Throwaway85]

As I see it, you never made that clean cut. One of both of you were too chicken to cut it off completely and were nice and gave each other a door opening to a possible reconciliation. While he is off with another girl gathering his mind. You are in a self imposed limbo. You don't want to start anything and get too serious for fear that it would be hard to break up with someone IF your X decides he wants back into your life. That's pretty much how I see it.

From your post how is it possible for a guy to work on his mental health while dating someone else? Why couldn't he work on his mental health with you? So that excuse has to be thrown out the window. Excuses and reasons like that are fall backs, break up nets, or you say that to let someone down easy. If he really wanted to work on his mental health, he would be single and seeing a professional on a regular basis. But instead the problems he has are just carried right over to the new relationship.

When you said you don't want to commit because it wouldn't be fair to anyone.. are you talking more about the guy you have to break it off with? Don't want to hurt anyone else, then don't date until you are ready.

 

Until you make a clean break from your X and admit that its over, you are going to be in this limbo that you shouldn't have to be in. Here is a secret and don't tell anyone I told you.. but if a guy wants to be with you, he would walk to the ends of the Earth just to be with you. Fact is, he doesn't. He made up some excuse and he made it so that you would be the second and best option if this doesn't work out for him. He got a sweet deal out of it. I bet you that he calls or texts you every so often to ask you if you are seeing anyone. He doesn't get mad if you say yes, but this is a way to let you know that the option of him coming back are there. Just a reminder...

 

You cant look to the future unless you put the past behind you. Its that simple

 

I definitely agree with the assessment which is spot on, but disagree on some fine points here.

 

First, there's nothing wrong with being in self imposed limbo - From my perspective that makes you the more mature and healthier one in that respect. It means you haven't met someone that really sparks your interest and you've decided not to get involved with anyone until they do. This goes along with Wiseman's advice not to hookup - don't get yourself into a mini-relationship you don't actually want to be in that doesn't fulfill you.

 

I'll also say from a guys perspective... we will not necessarily walk to the ends of the Earth for you if we're not certain that's what we want. It's true he's keeping you on the backburner - he's probably not certain what he wants. Sometimes you need to realize the grass isn't greener. That said, if you two do reconcile, you'd need to address both his health and this behavior as a key component of the reconciliation. It's also something he'd have to make a decision on his own to change.

 

Good luck, I wish you the best