Batya33 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I don't think you should bother telling him to stop. He did it and has done it because it's consistent with his values. He'll find another way to behave this way even if he agrees to stop on Facebook. The trust is broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdie Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 You posted pretty much this exact thread on March 30... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Mandee, What are you not hearing? How many threads do you need to create about this guy? What are you looking for from this forum, as you are not following the posters advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 The twist is I'm not his facebook friend. He didn't think we should be friends because it "causes issues" so a mutual friend has been bringing the comments to my attention. Like I said the comments run consistent with our relationship time. Its not like it just began a week ago so it seems like its his character trait. I havent brought it up because I'll have to explain how I saw this. You can basically say hes writing these comments without knowledge that I've seen them. My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?. I feel like its a lost cause and I wasted my time. Someone asked me how I feel. I feel like I always had high self esteem but this has put a dent in it. I also feel like Ive been great to this guy and loyal , yet hes still not just looking at me. ...And I do think about what one poster said....its a " feeler" he puts out thers bcuz what IF one girl private messages him after a compliment he gave. It can always lead somewhere. I mean why else would a guy compliment a beautiful women? If he already is dating someone. He doesn't seem the right person for you, in fact he seems like an idiot. And don't let it damage your self esteem, because he's being a creep online with girls has nothing to do with you nor is a sign that he doesn't find you attractive. You shouldn't be afraid of bringing that up too. You're together, he doesn't want you on his facebook, a friend of yours has seen his creep comments. What's the big deal of telling him this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Mandee, he is not going to stop. So, the question is: Do you stay and put up with it? Or do you leave and find someone else whose values match your own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsolo Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 The exciting thing about this is that if you do indeed dump the guy, this will be a milestone for you. It will be a statement to yourself and the world that you value yourself more than you have in the past—a sign of true personal growth to be proud of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandeelove Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 Hey everyone..I do have an update. I told him everything tonight. That I know he wrote to women. That I want to be his fb friend once and for all. He admitted the comments saying they are only friends, he thinks nothing of it, never took it further and just a thing he does without real meaning or intention. It has no reflection on me. I told him this is crossing the line for me and it hurt me and it cant go on. Ok so he said sorry and he'll stop. He didnt see it as a bad thing which scares me but said hell stop it ....next i asked to be his fb friend and i deserve to be after one year and all we been thru. Well he threw a hissy fit. He said no way will i be on there and it causes issues/fights. This went back and forth and he took his phone and finally deleted fb! Said its better off to be done with it totally. Im like u can have it...just add me. But instead he deleted it. He claims it was permanent too and if anything he will make a brand new one adding me. This just seemed nuts how he deleted his fb just to avoid me being on that one. Anyways ....once I got home I checked fb....hes still on it. He must have re activated it once i left !.. I thought we settled this but i guess this was a waste of time. I asked him why i still see his page and he hung up on me...I never been in such a disappointing situation in my life. He is close to 40 and acts like this. I am disgusted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sara-pezzini Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Instead of begging him please stand up for yourself and walk away! Show him this isn't acceptable with actions instead of telling him over and over, nothing will change if you keep going on with this. What are you so afraid of? Being alone? Hurting from breaking up? You're hurting now too and you're basically alone in this relationship as well. So why are you holding on to this? He isn't making you happy, and he never will Trust me I've been there, i let my relationship go on way longer than i should have and he was making me miserable but i thought i loved him after investing 10 years of my life into it. He didn't change and leaving him was such a relief, i could finally breath again, but you're only 10 months in, you cannot really be that invested yet as it has been nothing but issues from the start... What are you getting out of this? You will get there as well, one day you will have enough of this, but only you can decide when that will be. Until then you're letting this guy walk all over you and do as he pleases.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I hope you're not going to give him "one more chance". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I don't think he deleted his FB account and now you know that he thinks it's ok to objectify women on social media on public posts (except that you can't see them). OK I reread your post -now I see that he lied to you and it's still there. Hopefully you're done with this person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Hey everyone..I do have an update. I told him everything tonight. That I know he wrote to women. That I want to be his fb friend once and for all. He admitted the comments saying they are only friends, he thinks nothing of it, never took it further and just a thing he does without real meaning or intention. It has no reflection on me. I told him this is crossing the line for me and it hurt me and it cant go on. Ok so he said sorry and he'll stop. He didnt see it as a bad thing which scares me but said hell stop it ....next i asked to be his fb friend and i deserve to be after one year and all we been thru. Well he threw a hissy fit. He said no way will i be on there and it causes issues/fights. This went back and forth and he took his phone and finally deleted fb! Said its better off to be done with it totally. Im like u can have it...just add me. But instead he deleted it. He claims it was permanent too and if anything he will make a brand new one adding me. This just seemed nuts how he deleted his fb just to avoid me being on that one. Anyways ....once I got home I checked fb....hes still on it. He must have re activated it once i left !.. I thought we settled this but i guess this was a waste of time. I asked him why i still see his page and he hung up on me...I never been in such a disappointing situation in my life. He is close to 40 and acts like this. I am disgusted. He's a jerk. He preferred to delete it because he's afraid that you'll see things he doesn't want you to see and because he wants to pretend he's single. And the "create a new one for you" tells it all. His over the top scene about something as simple as facebook... I can't even. Also all his childish and creep behaviour. I thought we were talking about a 20 something man, which would have been bad enough, but now you say he's 40... this guy is just who he is, and won't change. This is not boyfriend material. You deserve so much better. I know it's hard but I wouldn't negotiate with him. You told him what you thought and fine, but he didn't respect that and won't change... and he's a liar. Now if you want something to change it's up to you to leave. Talking, explaining, begging and pleading won't do anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I'm not his facebook friend. He didn't think we should be friends because it "causes issues" I'd have already considered this the red flag, so the rest would just be the confirmation that I wouldn't have even needed to dump his azz. No drama, no confrontation, just, "This isn't working for me, and I need to walk away." Either I believe that I deserve better, or I don't. I certainly don't need to stick around to try to rehab a disloyal, two faced loser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandeelove Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you everyone . I am sure he deleted it in front of me bcuz he didnt want to face the issue but as soon as I went home he re activated it. Im sure hell say he needed a few pieces of info before deleting. He will make an excuse. But I am not going to accept it bcuz I chose to confront him for a reason. This is the first time I truly put an ultimatum on him with all this nonsense so I am not going to make it easy now. He is a liar. I see it now beyond anything. He threw a tantrum over fb. He locked it down like i was asking for his bank account number. It was abnormal. And even if he did delete fb to make a new one..my mind is so suspicious with why he kept me away from the original fb . Im disappointed bcuz yes hes close to 40 and this is my issue. Unheard of. I put alot of time and effort into it. We tackled many adult issues in this relationship YET this is why we split. Its like whats the point? How fake it was.. Also Im mad at me bcuz from day 1 he didnt put me on . I could have got rid of him in one week. I thought after one year i had a leg to stand on. I thought id face no resistance. I was hoping hed be open and honest. Showing me fb would prove that but the worst case scenario happened. I dont want him on a new fb. He had to show me that fb for me to feel ok. Its too far gone either way. Im not taking it to heart bcuz I now see this guy has issues. Its not about me personally. Im sure i only got this far bcuz I remained nieve about it but once I became vocal he had to discard me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 You did not split because of FB. You split because he lied to you more than once and behaves in an inappropriate way. His age is irrelevant. My 8 year old knows lying is wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I could have got rid of him in one week. You can't go back and change this, but you can mentally move yourself forward to the place of pride that this would have landed you. It never matters who dumps who whenever a relationship is untenable. One-upping the other by dumping them first is just about ego, and you can make the choice to render that irrelevant. Focus instead on a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a whole new life for yourself. Invest in learning and development, and strengthen your bonds with the people in you life who you've neglected during your relationship. I'd make that time about them, not me, which moves me out of my own way for healing to take effect as the skill of patience with others develops. I'd also invest in my career and interests beyond ruminating about my love life. The goal is to move your focus beyond a guy who doesn't deserve your energy, and to avoid isolating in rumination. That's not healing, it's stagnation, which by definition means no movement forward. I'd rather move forward. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Look, the guy acted like he did, because he knows it's wrong. He doesn't want a girlfriend on there, because it would "cramp his style." I think it's good you stood your ground, now I hope you continue to do so if he comes crawling back when it dawns on him other women won't put up with a 40-year-old who acts like he's 8. That said, you need to look at your own actions here as well. There is something wrong in a relationship when you have to start acting like their parent or tell them what they are doing is wrong. The whole, "Gosh, I didn't know..." is pretty much bullcrap since everyone knows basic right and wrong. Unless maybe they're a sociopath or other disorders in which there is no empathy or true feelings for other people, just aping to get along and get from others. But even those know what they do is wrong, they just don't care enough to change or stop whatever it is they do to hurt others. You didn't break up with him because of FB, that was a symptom. This guy is a liar and that's the real issue at the heart of it all. But you need to be done with this guy and start paying attention to red flags a whole lot sooner. And understand if you see red flags it's not going to get better, so you're better off to pass them on and find someone more suited to you. Also maybe now is a good time to reflect on your choices in people, because you are the other side of the equation. There are two sides to this - toxic people only get their power from those who choose to stay with them after they know they are toxic. And I say that as someone who used to let herself get embroiled with toxic people and in the end I cannot say I was a victim or totally innocent, since I put myself in their path. Squarely. Until the day I just didn't do that any longer. And I hope that day is here for you, really you do deserve better, but you need to believe that. So focus on things that build you up, that make you feel good about yourself that are not tied to relationships or the approval of potential or love interests. I'm glad to hear you took a stand for yourself. Now continue to do so, for the rest of your life, because it's your life. And you need to place more value on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Hey everyone..I do have an update. I told him everything tonight. That I know he wrote to women. That I want to be his fb friend once and for all. He admitted the comments saying they are only friends, he thinks nothing of it, never took it further and just a thing he does without real meaning or intention. It has no reflection on me. I told him this is crossing the line for me and it hurt me and it cant go on. Ok so he said sorry and he'll stop. He didnt see it as a bad thing which scares me but said hell stop it ....next i asked to be his fb friend and i deserve to be after one year and all we been thru. Well he threw a hissy fit. He said no way will i be on there and it causes issues/fights. This went back and forth and he took his phone and finally deleted fb! Said its better off to be done with it totally. Im like u can have it...just add me. But instead he deleted it. He claims it was permanent too and if anything he will make a brand new one adding me. This just seemed nuts how he deleted his fb just to avoid me being on that one. Anyways ....once I got home I checked fb....hes still on it. He must have re activated it once i left !.. I thought we settled this but i guess this was a waste of time. I asked him why i still see his page and he hung up on me...I never been in such a disappointing situation in my life. He is close to 40 and acts like this. I am disgusted. He DOES NOT respect you, and you are showing that you do not respect yourself, by staying with this guy. Why are you so desperate to have a man in your life???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you everyone . I am sure he deleted it in front of me bcuz he didnt want to face the issue but as soon as I went home he re activated it. Im sure hell say he needed a few pieces of info before deleting. He will make an excuse. But I am not going to accept it bcuz I chose to confront him for a reason. This is the first time I truly put an ultimatum on him with all this nonsense so I am not going to make it easy now. He is a liar. I see it now beyond anything. He threw a tantrum over fb. He locked it down like i was asking for his bank account number. It was abnormal. And even if he did delete fb to make a new one..my mind is so suspicious with why he kept me away from the original fb . Im disappointed bcuz yes hes close to 40 and this is my issue. Unheard of. I put alot of time and effort into it. We tackled many adult issues in this relationship YET this is why we split. Its like whats the point? How fake it was.. Also Im mad at me bcuz from day 1 he didnt put me on . I could have got rid of him in one week. I thought after one year i had a leg to stand on. I thought id face no resistance. I was hoping hed be open and honest. Showing me fb would prove that but the worst case scenario happened. I dont want him on a new fb. He had to show me that fb for me to feel ok. Its too far gone either way. Im not taking it to heart bcuz I now see this guy has issues. Its not about me personally. Im sure i only got this far bcuz I remained nieve about it but once I became vocal he had to discard me. You weren't "naive," you chose to ignore. You have come here multiple times with complaints about this guy, have been given advice to end things, yet ignored. That's on you. You should have been done after the first incident, not wait 10 months, hoping for improvement. That make no sense. At all! You are not a victim, but an active participant. I suggest some self reflection into you partner choices and lack of boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you everyone . I am sure he deleted it in front of me bcuz he didnt want to face the issue but as soon as I went home he re activated it. Im sure hell say he needed a few pieces of info before deleting. He will make an excuse. But I am not going to accept it bcuz I chose to confront him for a reason. This is the first time I truly put an ultimatum on him with all this nonsense so I am not going to make it easy now. He is a liar. I see it now beyond anything. He threw a tantrum over fb. He locked it down like i was asking for his bank account number. It was abnormal. And even if he did delete fb to make a new one..my mind is so suspicious with why he kept me away from the original fb . Im disappointed bcuz yes hes close to 40 and this is my issue. Unheard of. I put alot of time and effort into it. We tackled many adult issues in this relationship YET this is why we split. Its like whats the point? How fake it was.. Also Im mad at me bcuz from day 1 he didnt put me on . I could have got rid of him in one week. I thought after one year i had a leg to stand on. I thought id face no resistance. I was hoping hed be open and honest. Showing me fb would prove that but the worst case scenario happened. I dont want him on a new fb. He had to show me that fb for me to feel ok. Its too far gone either way. Im not taking it to heart bcuz I now see this guy has issues. Its not about me personally. Im sure i only got this far bcuz I remained nieve about it but once I became vocal he had to discard me. Don't do ultimatums. Just show him with your actions you're not taking it anymore and leave. It doesn't matter what caused this. This guy was a parade of red flags, you didn't just split because of facebook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandeelove Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 Hes an idiot. Thank u everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandeelove Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 He actually said I could be his fb friend on his original fb page but someone told me hes most likely cleaning it up to make himself appear innocent. Hes deleting comments he sent to girls or deleting girls... period. I dont know what to think of this bcuz although he wants to put me on he already showed himself bcuz hes seemingly "throwing away the evidence" of his bad behaviors now. What good is that. Im very over the situation. He keeps texting me telling me he'll do this for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I can't even believe you are still entertaining this guy. Wake up! Why are you so desperate to have a man in your life? Don't you think it's time to reclaim your self respect! I''m certain we will see you soon with another cheating relating problem. Sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 So you know it's all an act, you don't trust the guy, is there some reason you can't or won't just say, "We're done, never contact me again," and then you just block him and delete him from your life? Mandee, seriously you need to go and climb Kilimanjaro or take up a serious hobby of the it leaves you exhausted and exhilarated every day, so you don't have time for this freeze dried bullship variety. At this point, it's beginning to look to me like you enjoy drama. So you may want to sit down with yourself and seriously reflect on that. Most of us would just say to the guy, "Too late, buh-bye" and be done. Maybe even laugh or little or post some pithy saying on our FB page then block him altogether. So why aren't you? Ask yourself that and be fully honest and don't try to BS yourself anymore. And really I am telling you these things as someone who cares, but your level of "I must hold on this relationship," just kind of tells me you have nothing else going in your life and that's not good. So not good. Get something else besides a guy. In fact, I thoroughly advocate you take a year off of any and all relationships, dating, so much as even smiling at a guy in a coffee shop. Use the time to work on yourself, to go learn to fly free, to get a degree in something or take up a sport that scares you or something, anything, but stop engaging with toxic people. Or that's all you're ever going to have and that's just a sad waste of your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speed racer Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 He is what I call "fishing." My ex-wife's very good girlfriend from childhood's husband did this to my wife.... I told my wife she needed to let her friend know what he was writing to her - it was very obvious he was feeling her out for an affair... She refused and said she didn't want to get involved.... That should have been a sign to me.... My wife was having an affair with a sales manager and the VP of her company.... No wonder she didn't want to get involved with any sort of affair business with her friend.. That would be calling the kettle black..... He is definately fishing Speed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 So, why are you staying with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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