I broke up with ex and after NC we exchanged emails till he told me to stop!

[Anna Bell]

They don't teach about these things in children's school years, and I wish they did. We only learn about the biological, mostly -- how bodies fit together in sexuality, reproduction -- and it's worth knowing how the brain works in intimacy, BEFORE we are actually doing intimacy.

 

Once you know more about the neurochemistry, every human interaction becomes a little more interesting. You'll be able to see better and more quickly how another person's vibe, tone, language, or touch affects your being. And it gets easier to understand right away when something that on the surface looks and feels great, is actually instead a trick of your own brain and a *perception*, *inside* of you, and not necessarily the real thing.

 

Most people don't like pulling back the curtain, and would rather just experience the magic and thrill of new interactions. It's intense and feels like intimacy. But once the curtain is pulled and the machinery is more exposed, you start to see where "intimacy" and "intensity" aren't the same thing at all. And that intensity sometimes is the FURTHEST thing from intimacy, and in fact, can be the worst obstacle and the most destructive to it. Intensity is a smokescreen full of explosives. Intimacy -- true intimacy -- has a much gentler and steadier core. Intimacy can be dynamic; that's wonderful. But if there's too much hard edge, that's likely intensity, trauma bonding, and there has to be a point where you walk away from the dramatics of any dynamic and make a point of creating your own life more peacefully. Think of intensity as a horrible blockbuster film in a movie theater. Think of intimacy as the placid and maybe even boring -- but restful -- place you go home to when the movie is over. Intensity isn't sustainable in the long haul; intimacy is. When you are offered an intensity experience, consider whether you want to trade your evenings or hours for that jarring roller coaster ride. And maybe decline it, politely, in favor of a peaceful time at home. This gets more important as we get older, as life piles on a multitude of stressors big and small, and it all has a cumulative effect on the body. You want to hold your heart gently. A good partner will want to do that too.

 

Have fun, stay open, take risks -- but if it turns jagged or disrespectful, you always have permission to get right out of that and go to where you have peace.

 

Bear in mind what makes you a truly high value, high quality person, and watch for those traits the next time you are selecting. Integrity and empathy are excellent qualities, and if a person lacks either, I would say steer clear. Just steer clear.

 

Give it all time, and your own self-focus. It isn't easy to undo or unlearn old styles, and sometimes learning new relationship skills is challenging, but I have faith that if you want to, you will. My guess is that you will probably also enjoy it. This life is for learning. Give yourself the gift of space and self-discovery, and cry it out as much as you need to. In five months time, you'll feel joy at the progress you've made. I'm pretty sure of that.

I read your messages many times and every time there's something new for me to understand and to digest. You're so right, wish school could teach us about the personality disorders. People hit hard in relationships and they get toughened up purely on their raw, cruel and horrible experiences. We all say life is a learning journey but sometimes the price is too big to bear. I will teach my daughter when she's older. I'm lack of the knowledge of this aspect so I'll continue to read about healthy relationships. The neurochemistry you mentioned sounds very interesting, also the relationship between "intimacy " and "intensity " is so fascinating. I've never heard of the differences between these two concepts. How do you know so much? "Integrity " and "empathy " are two core qualities, I never thought about "empathy " before, that's why I ended up with him.

Thank you for introducing these insightful knowledges, you're leading my way into new skills, new reading and new experiences. Also I'm very grateful for your encouragement, I'll keep everyone updated with my progress.

[Anna Bell]

I should add for the sake of argument, I'm not discounting the intimacy that happens within intense relationships. That intimacy is true enough and sometimes for me it was deeper and more rewarding than in relationships that weren't as dramatic. I tend to live in the deep side, so, for the depths of intimacy that did happen (a lot, especially in the first years), I stayed. I learned a lot. I sort of wish I hadn't, but ultimately I'm grateful to have learned.

 

The point might be better to discern whether a relationship is intimacy or intensity, and then whether it is toxic. In my experience, intensity eventually (or immediately) trends toward toxic. Sometimes it's in them; sometimes it's in you; sometimes it's just a mismatch. Sometimes it's easy to spot at the start; sometimes it takes a year or more to see that something isn't right. And part of the trick is knowing that, if you aren't married or raising kids together, it is really ok and maybe even imperative to cut away from that and move on.

I have to be honest that I can't get this part about what you said "deep side" "depths of intimacy " and how to spot if intensity would develop into toxic. Where can I read more about this area please? Any book can you recommend please? Do you have your personal experiences on this site that I can read? Can't thank you enough!

[Anna Bell]

A new update, last night he left a message on my Facebook using a different account. His message was about his opinion on an article that I shared which was to public, nothing personal. I blocked him straight away, deleted his message. Also I'll make sure next time to share articles that only friends can see. I didn't know he was checking out my Facebook, I updated a profile picture which was to public. Then this was the first time I shared something to public and he saw it already. Is it possible he's been checking my FB frequently?

 

Hope this time I did the right thing. My friend said I should have ignored his message and pretended not to see it. It's a reaction by blocking him. My friend also said he'd get angry and revenge in other ways. I'm confused again.

[boltnrun]

Blocking him was the absolute right thing to do.

 

Ignoring doesn't always work. An ex of mine Facebook messaged me THIRTEEN times, and I ignored all thirteen messages. He probably would have continued, but I blocked him.

 

What "other ways" could he get "revenge"? If he does anything illegal you report him to the police.

[Anna Bell]

Blocking him was the absolute right thing to do.

 

Ignoring doesn't always work. An ex of mine Facebook messaged me THIRTEEN times, and I ignored all thirteen messages. He probably would have continued, but I blocked him.

 

What "other ways" could he get "revenge"? If he does anything illegal you report him to the police.

I'm made up now! Thanks for confirming my action. Dealing with any type of these people after breakup is like a long term war. 13 times is scary, I'd have surrendered after 3 times Hence, blocking him is the only powerful weapon for me. He hasn't been extreme since we broke up so Guessing he won't be crazy to take illegal ways. As you said I can always contact the police, he's got a domestic violence record already and he should be aware of the situation.

Seriously hope he gets the hint and moves on with his life.

[Anna Bell]

Sigh...how pathetic is he? I have a girl in my FB friend list. She was a university student from his hometown and now lives in my city. So he introduced her to me while we were together. We never spoke to each other and in fact I even forgot she's in my friends list. I blocked him on FB a couple of days ago as you knew. Today this girl updated her status with a picture of words "I don't always get blocked on Facebook.But when I do it's a good indication, I was right and they couldn't handle it." This is the first time I saw her post. I have a feeling that he asked her to post this message. Am I right for this assumption?

[boltnrun]

Anna Bell...who cares????

 

You're expending an awful lot of time and energy trying to figure out why, why WHY does he do this or that??? What does it MEAN??? When it does not matter!!!

 

How much time per day do you estimate you spend thinking about him?

[Anna Bell]

Anna Bell...who cares????

 

You're expending an awful lot of time and energy trying to figure out why, why WHY does he do this or that??? What does it MEAN??? When it does not matter!!!

 

How much time per day do you estimate you spend thinking about him?

If I'm truly honest, the answer is A LOT. He still appears in my mind the moment I wake up and the last thought before falling asleep. During day, I think about him all the time. Lots of times while I'm working, doing housework, in gym, even reading, he occupies my mind automatically. I take the blame that I let myself emerge in the thoughts of him. I have been gentle to myself. This morning, after reading your message, I felt embarrassed. I had a conversation with myself, looking into the mirror, like talking to a child inside of me, telling her to stop this craziness, lots of dialogues and tears. I need to make a change, consciously have to force myself to stop when ever I start thinking of him.

 

I don't feel happy deep down, nothing excites me. Changed hairstyle, had an exotic holiday, bought myself a new car, I didn't even feel any excitement, not a fraction of second. I can get on my life as a robot, the only thing I feel genuinely interested is reading information about abusers or other personality disorders and analysing him while reading, suppose that's a way of connection with him. I became very emotional some days, I put a mask when I need to be the "normal" me. I was wondering yesterday if I'm having depression. People around me don't notice the difference, but I know I'm not the same person.

 

I can't let myself keep falling like this. I decided to stop reading anything relating to him. I will have to CHANGE!

[Annia]

I'm curious why you keep trying to diagnose him. Now he's a psychopath???

 

Instead of focusing all this energy on trying to diagnose him, how about figuring out why you're still so obsessed with him? Why is he still in your head? Are you in love with him? And if so, why?

 

Those things are way more important than trying to label him a "psychopath", which honestly seems a bit extreme.

 

Psychopaths are very rare... I think they represent less than 10% of the world's population. I can't remember the statistics now. Even sociopaths are very rare too. The only thing you have to know is that this man is not good for you and that it's great that you are no longer with him and under his influence.

 

I dated a person that I thought it was a sociopath (he wasn't "normal" for sure and was an abuser) and like you I took a lot of time trying to understand and diagnose him, which is fruitless and only keeps you involved in the drama. Besides, only trained professionals can diagnose personality disorders and even for them it is hard.

[Anna Bell]

Psychopaths are very rare... I think they represent less than 10% of the world's population. I can't remember the statistics now. Even sociopaths are very rare too. The only thing you have to know is that this man is not good for you and that it's great that you are no longer with him and under his influence.

 

I dated a person that I thought it was a sociopath (he wasn't "normal" for sure and was an abuser) and like you I took a lot of time trying to understand and diagnose him, which is fruitless and only keeps you involved in the drama. Besides, only trained professionals can diagnose personality disorders and even for them it is hard.

You're right. Whatever he is, it's not down to me to diagnose. I'm not sure if he is psychopath or sciopath or narcissistic, one thing I'm sure is that he is a ABUSER. That's sufficient for me to rid him off my life. We had similar experiences after breakup, we read, thought and got involved. It is definitely fruitless. Thank you for sharing.

[LaHermes]

10% is still too many. 10 in every hundred people. The predators among us, and yes, the pathological abusers, manipulators and mind-gamers. .

[Annia]

10% is still too many. 10 in every hundred people. The predators among us, and yes, the pathological abusers, manipulators and mind-gamers. .

 

I don't remember the percentage, but psychopaths (people who are born with a brain structure that makes it so that they don't have empathy) are very very low.

 

However I think that abusers in general, manipulators and mind gamers exist in large numbers, regardless of their disorder or problem.

[reinventmyself]

Anna Bell, I commend you for catching this so quickly and understand that internal struggle you've had.

He was very charming and intense for a reason. That's what got you hooked. Like you said more than

once, that you didn't see the signs until the end. Imagine had he done them in the beginning, he wouldn't

have had a second date, right?

 

So this proves that they know what they are doing. They wouldn't be able to hide it for a period of time unless

they knew what `it' was.

 

Besides. . even abusive people have some redeeming qualities. It doesn't make them good partners.

So don't be hard on yourself that you had feelings for an abuser. It's what allows them to abuse and it's

what makes you human.

 

Take this lesson with you.

I've had to learn it the hard way a few times.

[LaHermes]

"Mask of Sanity" by Dr. Hervey Cleckley.

 

Published in the early 40s by this psychiatrist, but still so applicable today. There you have them. Those who stalk the soul.

[reinventmyself]

. .had to come back and add that abusers have no use for you when they realize that you will no longer play by their rules.

 

That and the fact you originally broke up with him bothered him so much that when you more or less set yourself up at a later date he

jumped at the chance to end it with you and sooth his fragile ego.

[Anna Bell]

"Mask of Sanity" by Dr. Hervey Cleckley.

 

Published in the early 40s by this psychiatrist, but still so applicable today. There you have them. Those who stalk the soul.

Thanks for the recommendation and I'll be getting this book later. Trying to avoid further reading at the moment as I linked the ex with the materials I read. It made me think of him all the time.

[Anna Bell]

Anna Bell, I commend you for catching this so quickly and understand that internal struggle you've had.

He was very charming and intense for a reason. That's what got you hooked. Like you said more than

once, that you didn't see the signs until the end. Imagine had he done them in the beginning, he wouldn't

have had a second date, right?

 

So this proves that they know what they are doing. They wouldn't be able to hide it for a period of time unless

they knew what `it' was.

 

Besides. . even abusive people have some redeeming qualities. It doesn't make them good partners.

So don't be hard on yourself that you had feelings for an abuser. It's what allows them to abuse and it's

what makes you human.

 

Take this lesson with you.

I've had to learn it the hard way a few times.

Really enjoy reading your messages that direct to my heart. Abusers are emotional vampires, getting involved with them is disastrous. I just hate myself for being so weak mentally. I don't know if I will feel shameful in the future for falling so hard on such a bad person.

You experienced a few times?! Im sorry to hear that. Those lessons shaped you brave and strong and wise.

[TheRawTruth]

You're right again NC is not as easy as I thought. Going through the posts on this site helps me think how bad and evil he was as a person. Then after a few hours those good memories emerged again. I never wanted him back, I just don't know why i can't stop thinking of him. Yesterday after writing on here I felt better and enjoyed more of my holiday.

 

It was 3 days ago he sent me the email, I didn't know till I checked spam box when searching a website activation link. Wish Gmail could stop someone from sending unwanted emails. I think I'd better keep ignoring him, even he pushes the issue again, which is very likely from his character.

 

For some people, it's an ego thing. For some, they're not completely over the person. Others, just want to be CHASED after they break up. (Which kinda ties back into the ego thing but not fully.) Many want to know why it went from so good to so bad in the first place. Why weren't they good enough for the person to treat them better, etc. There are a bunch of reasons. Really, just depends on your character.

 

Truth be told though, the determining factor of whether or not you're good enough should NOT depend on ONE sorry a** GUY. View YOURSELF as the prize. And if he wasn't good enough to keep you, it means he fell short. Keep striving for greater. Who cares about his emails? He didn't care about YOU. So why should you care if he has questions? (Honestly, I forgot how this whole thing even STARTED since it's BEEN so long so I could be wrong about some of this stuff. LOL, I haven't gone back & read.)

 

Fill me in on what I MISSED tho, and I should be able to help better. I don't get on here often so there's usually a lot more that's happened in between my comments I'm sure.

[EtrnalOptimist]

I don't remember the percentage, but psychopaths (people who are born with a brain structure that makes it so that they don't have empathy) are very very low.

 

However I think that abusers in general, manipulators and mind gamers exist in large numbers, regardless of their disorder or problem.

 

I tend to agree. The greater proportion of abusers are not clinical sociopaths.

They have insecurities that lead them to need to play mind games.. sometimes really primitive ones of the "if I make her jealous, she will appreciate me more" variety.

[eidetic]

It's not just "born with it", this can also be a trait caused by head trauma and actual damage to the prefrontal cortex, or other trauma and damage to the amygdala, or even bad environmental factors in early development (think abuse, deprivation, neglect). To me it's still a toss up whether heritability is about genetics or actually the family/social dynamics are just dysfunctional or unskilled. In short, there are so many legit reasons why a person turns into an adult with low empathy. We may never know one true reason for it.

 

What you do need to know, and honor, is that you aren't meant to be with a person who is this challenging. And that it's possible this particular person is not meant to sustain relationships at all. Some people are like that, and are like that all their lives. They might love you to the best of their ability, but their capacity for loving, receiving love, self-reflecting, or seeing the loved one clearly, may be extremely low, inconsistent, or really nonexistent. That isn't about you, but it is about your choices. Don't select or accept a person like this as your primary love. Giving without reciprocity winds up being a kind of martyrdom, and hurts the giver, more than it rewards.

 

I get the sense you're meant for a person who is able to see you eye to eye, who loves you as unconditionally as any human can love that way, and who routinely showers you with both minor and major sweetness. After a toxic relationship, it's time for self-healing, and after self-healing, it's time to select or accept only those people who are kind, grounded, and consistent with positive behaviors toward you.

 

OP, I think the wisdom about intensity versus intimacy is probably a little different for everyone; we all have different levels of comfort. Just notice that there is a difference between those two ideas, and you'll start to recognize when you encounter one or the other, and how your body and mind respond to each. One feels a lot better and calmer, safer, than the other. After toxic partnership, calmer safer and more respectful interactions may feel really boring at first. Just keep noticing when you feel unruffled around others. Playfulness is great, but you want the basic undercurrents to be support, respect, and peace.

[Anna Bell]

It's not just "born with it", this can also be a trait caused by head trauma and actual damage to the prefrontal cortex, or other trauma and damage to the amygdala, or even bad environmental factors in early development (think abuse, deprivation, neglect). To me it's still a toss up whether heritability is about genetics or actually the family/social dynamics are just dysfunctional or unskilled. In short, there are so many legit reasons why a person turns into an adult with low empathy. We may never know one true reason for it.

 

What you do need to know, and honor, is that you aren't meant to be with a person who is this challenging. And that it's possible this particular person is not meant to sustain relationships at all. Some people are like that, and are like that all their lives. They might love you to the best of their ability, but their capacity for loving, receiving love, self-reflecting, or seeing the loved one clearly, may be extremely low, inconsistent, or really nonexistent. That isn't about you, but it is about your choices. Don't select or accept a person like this as your primary love. Giving without reciprocity winds up being a kind of martyrdom, and hurts the giver, more than it rewards.

 

I get the sense you're meant for a person who is able to see you eye to eye, who loves you as unconditionally as any human can love that way, and who routinely showers you with both minor and major sweetness. After a toxic relationship, it's time for self-healing, and after self-healing, it's time to select or accept only those people who are kind, grounded, and consistent with positive behaviors toward you.

 

OP, I think the wisdom about intensity versus intimacy is probably a little different for everyone; we all have different levels of comfort. Just notice that there is a difference between those two ideas, and you'll start to recognize when you encounter one or the other, and how your body and mind respond to each. One feels a lot better and calmer, safer, than the other. After toxic partnership, calmer safer and more respectful interactions may feel really boring at first. Just keep noticing when you feel unruffled around others. Playfulness is great, but you want the basic undercurrents to be support, respect, and peace.

Your message has been helpful during these 11 days, I didn't reply straight away but I came to read it whenever I felt down or missed him.

 

I totally agree with you that we might never find the reasons why some people turned to abusers or as you said adults with low emphathy. It's such a shame that so many of us love them, knowing who they truly are but can't help ourselves. Then we will have to give up, because we have to love ourselves fundamentally.

 

The second paragraph of your post touched me the most. I have been telling myself that he's this challenging and abusive, I have no choice but to leave him and to stop thinking about him, not too much then completely stop. He'll have to be a past tense.

 

Yesterday was the day that he bought tickets for my favourite singer's concert. I booked yesterday off. I knew he went as he loves gigs and he paid for the tickets. These days I have been focusing on my life a lot more. But yesterday my mood got knocked down a few yards back. I stayed in and watched a film at home. I missed him more than usual.

 

Then i came here to read your message, the 3rd paragraph is the one that helped me. Yes, I deserve someone who has the capacity of loving, who shows respect and trust to me, who will have a great future with me. I can't bury myself in a toxic relationship, walking on eggshells constantly. I'm an independent and lovable woman, I have a good life for myself and my daughter, I need someone to sweeten and spice up the life with me. I don't need him to destroy the happiness I already had. He's abusive, vulgar, and low class, he's violent, emotionally to me. Im so lucky to dodge the bullet. Then I felt better. Thank you!

 

The dating game of future is not going to be clear. I'll have to try and feel the "boring" peaceful pace to see if I'd enjoy, or to convince myself to enjoy it. Steering away from the toxic and intense beginning seems to be a must from now on.

[Anna Bell]

I went out with my friends. Had a fab night! Now I'm home, half sober and half drunk, tears are coming out from the left eye only, I f...King feeling hurt. I miss him 😭😭😭

[boltnrun]

I went out with my friends. Had a fab night! Now I'm home, half sober and half drunk, tears are coming out from the left eye only, I f...King feeling hurt. I miss him 😭😭😭

 

Please do not drunk call or text him. You'll regret it, I promise.

[Anna Bell]

Please do not drunk call or text him. You'll regret it, I promise.

Sadly, I checked call logs, yes I called him. Ohhhhhhh nooooooooooo! You are right, I do seriously regret it. What am I going to do? He'll question the reason, not sure how though, as his every channel of contact me was blocked. After my daughter video called him lat month and I explained why. I don't think I can get away with saying it's an accident. Hate myself! This is so bad!! Why can't I forget his phone number!!!

[figureitout23]

Sadly, I checked call logs, yes I called him. Ohhhhhhh nooooooooooo! You are right, I do seriously regret it. What am I going to do? He'll question the reason, not sure how though, as his every channel of contact me was blocked. After my daughter video called him lat month and I explained why. I don't think I can get away with saying it's an accident. Hate myself! This is so bad!! Why can't I forget his phone number!!!

 

You may want to look into adding a drunk dial app to your phone. They have many different kinds that will stop you from texting your ex