I broke up with ex and after NC we exchanged emails till he told me to stop!

[Anna Bell]

NC also involves not checking up on them. Time to get him out of your head.

 

Yes I understand. I'll make sure I won't check up on him. It's a lot easier for me to get him of out of my head now, knowing how sick the abusers are. Thank you 😊

[TheKirkC]

Anna Bell,

Whew! Listen to these people! This advice is dead on the money. I can only comment on your situation from a different perspective. I fell in love with someone who had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years. The abuse was horrible because she never left early when she could have. We had a fantastic relationship after she left him and her divorce was to be final this month. Out of the blue, she ran back to him to "try to save her marriage". She's been abused so long, a normal relationship just doesn't compute. I don't want you to get to that point. This womam I speak of is FANTASTIC in every other way, but so damaged by abuse it's just sickening. Please don't go down that road. The signs are there for a reason. My heart goes out to you to be well.

[Anna Bell]

Anna Bell,

Whew! Listen to these people! This advice is dead on the money. I can only comment on your situation from a different perspective. I fell in love with someone who had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years. The abuse was horrible because she never left early when she could have. We had a fantastic relationship after she left him and her divorce was to be final this month. Out of the blue, she ran back to him to "try to save her marriage". She's been abused so long, a normal relationship just doesn't compute. I don't want you to get to that point. This womam I speak of is FANTASTIC in every other way, but so damaged by abuse it's just sickening. Please don't go down that road. The signs are there for a reason. My heart goes out to you to be well.

I'm feeling very grateful for the advice given by people on this site. You guys are truly life savers.

TheKirkC, thank you for sharing your experience from another angle. On one hand, I wish I was this fantastic lady that met the man (you) who fell in love with her. On the other hand, my deepest sympathies go to her. 20 years in an abusive relationship,can't imagine how she survived. She's extremely damaged. Bless her! I haven't read much about the victims, assuming that it'll be nearly impossible for them to recover mentally? You came to this site, it is love and confusion and trying to seek remedies. This is an amazing forum, I do firmly believe that you'll be getting awful lot of support and help from all these beautiful people.

Again, I was so lucky to walk away after 5 months of the toxic relationship. The luckiest part is receiving advice on this site which helped me understand what went wrong, why my ex was a classic abuser, how am I going to make sure to avoid another abuser. I'm reading the book "Why does he do that" and all these experiences are a lesson taught by life.

[TheKirkC]

Thanks Anna Bell! I wish her well too. BTW, I ain't perfect, but I'm trying! A long term abused person needs LOTS of counseling. It also takes an average of 7 times to finally leave the abuser for good. Awful stats! I am here because I'm hurt and trying to heal correctly. NC and all. Lots of good people here and it's nice to know you are not alone. 7billion people in the world, there HAS to be at least one that will be all we need to happy, and vice versa. It's the pain that sucks so badly. But it will pass. It just sucks in the meantime. I hurt too, but these forums help so much. Actually good people here and very few trolls. Like I tell myself also, it will be okay, and the pain will stop. My heart out to you!

[Anna Bell]

Thanks Anna Bell! I wish her well too. BTW, I ain't perfect, but I'm trying! A long term abused person needs LOTS of counseling. It also takes an average of 7 times to finally leave the abuser for good. Awful stats! I am here because I'm hurt and trying to heal correctly. NC and all. Lots of good people here and it's nice to know you are not alone. 7billion people in the world, there HAS to be at least one that will be all we need to happy, and vice versa. It's the pain that sucks so badly. But it will pass. It just sucks in the meantime. I hurt too, but these forums help so much. Actually good people here and very few trolls. Like I tell myself also, it will be okay, and the pain will stop. My heart out to you!

7 times to leave the abusers, sigh! So sorry for everyone who had and is still having abusive relationship. This lady you fell in love needs to be saved, by her willingness and professionals. How long were you together? Apart from leaving you for her ex, did you feel any other impacts of her toxic marriage when you were together. It isn't easy for you, now you're implicated and feeling hurt. What's your plan? Are you hoping to get her back? Are you going to help her recover? My thoughts are out for you and this lady who deserves a better future with you.

[TheKirkC]

Well, we were together for 5 months and it was great. I had never had someone so caring before. The abuse she suffered showed up in weird ways, like she spilled a drink at my place once and was almost in tears apologizing for doing it while trying to clean it up. She overly apologized for everything even though there was nothing to apologize for. If you want to read about my story, it's over in the abuse and violence forum. Sadly Anna Bell, there is nothing I can do. I have to let her go and hope she figures it out someday. If I was to keep trying, I would be the stalker no matter what my intentions are. If she ever left him again, I would do all I could to support her and get her the help she needs. She is so worth it. None of us here want you to get to that point. Abusers are horrible on a person's self worth and that person becomes brainwashed into staying. It's just so sad. You be strong, Anna Bell!

[Annia]

As someone who was in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years in my youth, I want to congratulate you for finally starting to see him for who he is. It's hard to recognise we're being abused because we usually think of abuse as domestic physical violence, but abuse can have lots of different layers and shapes that are all very damaging for the victim. In my case I left him once before leaving him for good only to be emotionally manipulated to get back to him. I'm very happy that you're realising this now, because if you can truly break free from him now, it'll be much easier for you to move on emotionally and mentally intact. I think there's no other way around blocking and deleting them for good. Good luck!

[Anna Bell]

Well, we were together for 5 months and it was great. I had never had someone so caring before. The abuse she suffered showed up in weird ways, like she spilled a drink at my place once and was almost in tears apologizing for doing it while trying to clean it up. She overly apologized for everything even though there was nothing to apologize for. If you want to read about my story, it's over in the abuse and violence forum. Sadly Anna Bell, there is nothing I can do. I have to let her go and hope she figures it out someday. If I was to keep trying, I would be the stalker no matter what my intentions are. If she ever left him again, I would do all I could to support her and get her the help she needs. She is so worth it. None of us here want you to get to that point. Abusers are horrible on a person's self worth and that person becomes brainwashed into staying. It's just so sad. You be strong, Anna Bell!

 

5 months were a bit tricky, just like mine. It was still in the honeymoon dating period, problems just started to show. So it made the healing after breakup more difficult. You noticed her over apologising behaviour and you knew she was deeply damaged, however you're still willing to support her if she gets out the toxic marriage one day. It showed the feeling you've got for her was strong and genuine. I wish you the best. I'll be strong as much as possible. Thank you.

[Anna Bell]

As someone who was in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years in my youth, I want to congratulate you for finally starting to see him for who he is. It's hard to recognise we're being abused because we usually think of abuse as domestic physical violence, but abuse can have lots of different layers and shapes that are all very damaging for the victim. In my case I left him once before leaving him for good only to be emotionally manipulated to get back to him. I'm very happy that you're realising this now, because if you can truly break free from him now, it'll be much easier for you to move on emotionally and mentally intact. I think there's no other way around blocking and deleting them for good. Good luck!

Annia, love your reply. I'm sorry you had the disastrous experience when you were young. I do wonder if it's better to experience an abusive relationship when we are young or older if we had to have at least one in life. From my point, I had a long term relationship and it was just a normal relationship. I had never ever realised I could have had met an abuser. Absolutely no knowledge of abusers and didn't even realise he was an abuser till we broker up and I stared reading online. I left him purely because I couldn't tolerate his vulgar language, name calling, although I was told his criminal history, I thought it could have been his ex being dramatic or they had nasty breakup etc. I didn't think his abusive action could turn to me. When we are young and we experienced it and we know what to look and how to avoid so will be more guarded. I'm not sure if my point makes sense.

 

The time after breakup hasn't been easy. Even now I realised that he's an abuser, I've been reading and trying to get more knowledge on this subject, doing NC, but it is a lot harder to get over him than my ex who I had a long term relationship. Unbelievable.

[TheRawTruth]

A few things here...

 

#1: YES you were right to break up with him.

#2: YES there were signs of him potentially being abusive.

#3: You BOTH have been acting immature since the breakup. (I'll explain.)

 

First, you

 

You BLOCKED him, because you wanted no contact. Then you started messaging each other. But now that HE wants no contact, you're freaking out. Why? In a sense, you're getting exactly what you initially WANTED. So why you are trippin' about it? Oh I know. Because originally, it was YOU who made the decision to block him & not talk. But now that HE'S the one asking for you to stop, it's a problem. (Yes, that's immature.) Either you WANNA be done, or you DON'T. Stop all the back & forth nonsense.

 

If you wanted to keep talking to him, why did you block him in the first place? And if you DIDN'T wanna talk to him, why didn't you block his EMAIL TOO?

 

Now him

 

If he really didn't want you emailing him, he could just block you as well. He doesn't have to tell you to stop messaging him. He did that for EFFECT. To get a REACTION out of you. He could have easily blocked you without saying a word and gotten the same result.

 

As for his ego, who cares about his hurt feelings? "Oh, no girl has ever dumped me before, DESPITE all my bull***t. They just sat there and took it because I'm so great. Poor me." I have NO SYMPATHY for that dude. Just because his other exes were too stupid to break up with him, doesn't mean YOU were wrong for DOING so. You just saw the red flags and PAID ATTENTION to them. You deserve kudos for that. HE just doesn't like it because it's not what HE WANTED. (But again, who cares what he wants?)

 

Bottom line is this If you're sure you made the right decision in breaking UP with him, stop holding on. It makes no sense, and it won't do you any good. If you're done, BE DONE!

[Annia]

Annia, love your reply. I'm sorry you had the disastrous experience when you were young. I do wonder if it's better to experience an abusive relationship when we are young or older if we had to have at least one in life. From my point, I had a long term relationship and it was just a normal relationship. I had never ever realised I could have had met an abuser. Absolutely no knowledge of abusers and didn't even realise he was an abuser till we broker up and I stared reading online. I left him purely because I couldn't tolerate his vulgar language, name calling, although I was told his criminal history, I thought it could have been his ex being dramatic or they had nasty breakup etc. I didn't think his abusive action could turn to me. When we are young and we experienced it and we know what to look and how to avoid so will be more guarded. I'm not sure if my point makes sense.

 

The time after breakup hasn't been easy. Even now I realised that he's an abuser, I've been reading and trying to get more knowledge on this subject, doing NC, but it is a lot harder to get over him than my ex who I had a long term relationship. Unbelievable.

 

Thanks. I think it's bad at any age. Sometimes it's like being boiled in a hot water pan. The heat is going up very slowly so that you don't notice that you're boiling, only until much later. What I mean is that these people don't show their true colours right away. They do it slowly and test the waters first. I would say however to always be aware of the men that say they had a string of crazy exes or that "all their exes were crazy". I'm not saying that they didn't have crazy exes for real, but many times it's a symptom of something bigger.

 

It's normal that it's hard, even though it was a bad relationship. As someone said somewhere "the devil we know vs the devil we don't know". We always want to go back to our comfort zone, even when that comfort zone is painful. In time and by totally distancing where self from him, you'll break free from those mental chains and realize that the path ahead without him is much better.

[Starlight925]

Anna, I'm just catching up on your thread, but I want to offer my sincerest hopes that you can move on from this guy, from an emotional perspective. It sounds like you are listening to the great advice already given here, and I just want to offer my support.

 

Yes, this is abusive behavior on his part. Keeping you on eggshells, inflicting his extreme jealousy, are signs. When you said you had to sit in restaurants so that you wouldn't be able to accidentally look at another guy, I cringed. This only gets worse....ask me how I know.

 

Bullet: dodged.

[Anna Bell]

A few things here...

 

#1: YES you were right to break up with him.

#2: YES there were signs of him potentially being abusive.

#3: You BOTH have been acting immature since the breakup. (I'll explain.)

 

First, you

 

You BLOCKED him, because you wanted no contact. Then you started messaging each other. But now that HE wants no contact, you're freaking out. Why? In a sense, you're getting exactly what you initially WANTED. So why you are trippin' about it? Oh I know. Because originally, it was YOU who made the decision to block him & not talk. But now that HE'S the one asking for you to stop, it's a problem. (Yes, that's immature.) Either you WANNA be done, or you DON'T. Stop all the back & forth nonsense.

 

If you wanted to keep talking to him, why did you block him in the first place? And if you DIDN'T wanna talk to him, why didn't you block his EMAIL TOO?

 

Now him

 

If he really didn't want you emailing him, he could just block you as well. He doesn't have to tell you to stop messaging him. He did that for EFFECT. To get a REACTION out of you. He could have easily blocked you without saying a word and gotten the same result.

 

As for his ego, who cares about his hurt feelings? "Oh, no girl has ever dumped me before, DESPITE all my bull***t. They just sat there and took it because I'm so great. Poor me." I have NO SYMPATHY for that dude. Just because his other exes were too stupid to break up with him, doesn't mean YOU were wrong for DOING so. You just saw the red flags and PAID ATTENTION to them. You deserve kudos for that. HE just doesn't like it because it's not what HE WANTED. (But again, who cares what he wants?)

 

Bottom line is this If you're sure you made the right decision in breaking UP with him, stop holding on. It makes no sense, and it won't do you any good. If you're done, BE DONE!

 

About point 2, he had already abused me via texts. Potentially he will be getting worse.

 

Point 3, I giggled. You're right about us being immature.

For me, the biggest problem was that I fell in love him straight away when we met. It's hard to BE DONE with anyone we had feeling for, harder with the abusers. I never did back and forth game, he was the only one.

For him, he hoped for my reaction by telling me to stop contacting him and delete his email address, I actually did exactly what he asked.

 

I'm done with him for good. It's just very difficult for me stop loving him.

[Anna Bell]

Thanks. I think it's bad at any age. Sometimes it's like being boiled in a hot water pan. The heat is going up very slowly so that you don't notice that you're boiling, only until much later. What I mean is that these people don't show their true colours right away. They do it slowly and test the waters first. I would say however to always be aware of the men that say they had a string of crazy exes or that "all their exes were crazy". I'm not saying that they didn't have crazy exes for real, but many times it's a symptom of something bigger.

 

It's normal that it's hard, even though it was a bad relationship. As someone said somewhere "the devil we know vs the devil we don't know". We always want to go back to our comfort zone, even when that comfort zone is painful. In time and by totally distancing where self from him, you'll break free from those mental chains and realize that the path ahead without him is much better.

 

You're absolutely right, it's horrible for any victim at any age. Human brain is so complicated and just wish all abusers vanished. My ex was only negative to the woman who got him charges. He gave credits to other exes. I got bewildered by that and thought that woman got problem and revenged. Anyway, abusive criminal record should be a huge red flag which I shouldn't have ignored. That's how I jumped into his trap, with the instant feeling for him, I kept falling deeper. Now I'm on NC for a week, some days were ok, some days were awful. Sigh...

[boltnrun]

You're absolutely right, it's horrible for any victim at any age. Human brain is so complicated and just wish all abusers vanished. My ex was only negative to the woman who got him in prison. He gave credits to other exes. I got bewildered by that and thought that woman got problem and revenged. Anyway, abusive criminal record should be a huge red flag which I shouldn't have ignored. That's how I jumped into his trap, with the instant feeling for him, I kept falling deeper. Now I'm on NC for a week, some days were ok, some days were awful. Sigh...

 

Wait, you knew he had a history of domestic abuse?

 

If you knew, why are you acting surprised that we consider him abusive?

[Anna Bell]

Anna, I'm just catching up on your thread, but I want to offer my sincerest hopes that you can move on from this guy, from an emotional perspective. It sounds like you are listening to the great advice already given here, and I just want to offer my support.

 

Yes, this is abusive behavior on his part. Keeping you on eggshells, inflicting his extreme jealousy, are signs. When you said you had to sit in restaurants so that you wouldn't be able to accidentally look at another guy, I cringed. This only gets worse....ask me how I know.

 

Bullet: dodged.

 

You're new this this site too as me. Something happened? Thanks for spending time on reading the messages and giving me support.Have been emotional all day today, your"sincerest hope" encouraged me as I told myself, I'll have to be strong, for myself and for all these lovely people who helped and are helping me on this site!!i can't slip down, there's only one direction-away from my ex, further and further. So grateful that you are an outsider and you see things clearer than I do, your confirmation sounds like from your experiences. Hope you didn't suffer too much.

[DarkAngel711]

I was in a relationship like this for 9 years and I WISH I HAD LEFT AFTER 5 MONTHS!!! YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION ANY WAY YOU LOOK AT IT. He wont acknowledge the fact that he mentally and verbally abused you, there is no hope for him ever getting better if he can not even accept this about himself. Him telling you that you made a snap decision is him trying to manipulate you because thats what abusers do! They are very manipulative and they will find ways to make everything your fault!! Don't fall for it! Even him saying he wants to cut off contact is a form of manipulation. He is using the fact that you still have feelings for him against you to get what he wants. Again, dont fall for it! You are very brave for walking away from this, and I only wish I had done the same so that I would not have wasted 9 precious years of my life. You WILL move on and feel better and meet someone much better than this guy. Dont give him another thought, dont contact him anymore. The more you communicate with him, the more he will try to manipulate you. Put an end to it right now and take back your power! Good luck to you!

[Anna Bell]

Wait, you knew he had a history of domestic abuse?

 

If you knew, why are you acting surprised that we consider him abusive?

He told me on our second date that he got suspended sentence because of his texts to his kid's mum. She stopped him from seeing their kid and he got frustrated.

 

I know, Hollyyj questioned me before too. Most women n have run away after this disclosure!

 

I didn't realise name caling and excessive jealousy were abusive. After breakup I started reading online and came here to ask for help , and I realised how bad an abuser he was.

[LaHermes]

To simplify:

 

"If it hurts it isn't love".

 

Name calling, verbal abuse and controlling are abuse, not to mention absolute invasion of the other's boundaries. Healthy boundaries means that you do not, ever, put up with this kind of treatment.

 

A book:

 

"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel

 

Book description:

 

A good, solid treatment of an insidious but all–too–common type of relationship in which the weapons are words and moods rather than fists, but which do just as much damage. Most importantly, Beverly Engel doesn′t just describe––she shows us the way out." ––

[Hollyj]

Anna,

 

Take a look at baggagereclaim.com I think it can also help.

[Anna Bell]

I was in a relationship like this for 9 years and I WISH I HAD LEFT AFTER 5 MONTHS!!! YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION ANY WAY YOU LOOK AT IT. He wont acknowledge the fact that he mentally and verbally abused you, there is no hope for him ever getting better if he can not even accept this about himself. Him telling you that you made a snap decision is him trying to manipulate you because thats what abusers do! They are very manipulative and they will find ways to make everything your fault!! Don't fall for it! Even him saying he wants to cut off contact is a form of manipulation. He is using the fact that you still have feelings for him against you to get what he wants. Again, dont fall for it! You are very brave for walking away from this, and I only wish I had done the same so that I would not have wasted 9 precious years of my life. You WILL move on and feel better and meet someone much better than this guy. Dont give him another thought, dont contact him anymore. The more you communicate with him, the more he will try to manipulate you. Put an end to it right now and take back your power! Good luck to you!

You read my mind perfectly! I had three questions that bothered me annoyingly: 1) Did I really make the snap decision? 2)why did he want to cut off the contact with me? 3) if he'd ever get to change, for me? You nailed all these questions in and told me for fall it." Love the insight of you. Thank you very much.

This arousd my wonder: how come such an intelligent woman fell into an abusive relationship? How could it last for 9 years? I deeply admire your strength! When did you leave your ex? You're coming here to help other people by sharing your experiences and your great support. You're a strong lady mentally. If I had been with my ex for 9 years, I would have become dead inside. I don't know your situation, but you truly inspired me.

[Anna Bell]

To simplify:

 

"If it hurts it isn't love".

 

Name calling, verbal abuse and controlling are abuse, not to mention absolute invasion of the other's boundaries. Healthy boundaries means that you do not, ever, put up with this kind of treatment.

 

A book:

 

"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel

 

Book description:

 

A good, solid treatment of an insidious but all–too–common type of relationship in which the weapons are words and moods rather than fists, but which do just as much damage. Most importantly, Beverly Engel doesn′t just describe––she shows us the way out." ––

Now I've been telling myself that he never loved me , all the glorious moments were his fake shows. However you said "if it hurts it isn't love", did you refer this to my feeling? I can't deny my love for him. I felt the attraction straight away when I saw him, it was love at the first sight" situation. I feel hurt and I know its love"

 

Thank you for the recommendation of this book. I'd like to read it soon as it sounded the type of books that I need it.

[Anna Bell]

Anna,

 

Take a look at baggagereclaim.com I think it can also help.

 

Thanks Hollyyj for another website, I came across that site previously and with your recommendations I will proceed more confidently.

[Annia]

He told me on our second date that he got suspended sentence because of his texts to his kid's mum. She stopped him from seeing their kid and he got frustrated.

 

I know, Hollyyj questioned me before too. Most women n have run away after this disclosure!

 

I didn't realise name caling and excessive jealousy were abusive. After breakup I started reading online and came here to ask for help , and I realised how bad an abuser he was.

 

Sometimes abusers tell these stuff to test the waters (test your boundaries and how far they can go) and to justify things if you come up to discover them later. My abusive ex told me at some point in the beginning that he went to court because a girl lied about him to police. He told me that it was all a lie, that it was a personal vendetta from her and that can I could ask his parents (of course I didn't ask them). Lets just say that I believed him and didn't think much of that. Silly me. Don't feel bad, these type of people are excellent manipulators who prey on vulnerable people. It's important that you learn from this so that you can dodge the bullet right away if you come across another person like this. Lets hope not, but it's always good to be aware of the red flags and cut our losses right away.

[Anna Bell]

Sometimes abusers tell these stuff to test the waters (test your boundaries and how far they can go) and to justify things if you come up to discover them later. My abusive ex told me at some point in the beginning that he went to court because a girl lied about him to police. He told me that it was all a lie, that it was a personal vendetta from her and that can I could ask his parents (of course I didn't ask them). Lets just say that I believed him and didn't think much of that. Silly me. Don't feel bad, these type of people are excellent manipulators who prey on vulnerable people. It's important that you learn from this so that you can dodge the bullet right away if you come across another person like this. Lets hope not, but it's always good to be aware of the red flags and cut our losses right away.

 

We both had similar beginning and we believed them. As you said we were vulnerable, we'll have to avoid any warning sign in the future. I'd rather miss the good one than getting involved with an abuser.