I broke up with ex and after NC we exchanged emails till he told me to stop!

[boltnrun]

New question: do abusers know their issues deep down? Did my ex realise that the breakup was caused by his abusive messages?

 

He does not look in the mirror and tell himself "I am an abuser!"

 

What seems to be the case is: he thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong. YOU are wrong because all you had to do is every single thing he told you to do, and NOT do the things he told you not to do. But, he tells himself, you (and all other women) just don't get it. Maybe he thinks women are manipulative and controlling and the only way to get ahead of that is to pre-emptively strike before the woman has a chance to sink her claws into him. Or he thinks women are stupid helpless creatures who need his guidance to live the right way. Or he thinks women will hurt him, so he hurts them first.

 

Who knows. BUT, studies have been done that prove men who voluntarily go through intensive therapy and treatment for partner abuse have a success rate of 2%. Yep. 2%. And I'm guessing it's because not only do abusers think they have the right to abuse, but they enjoy it. Why would they give up something that they believe is their right and that gives them so much pleasure???

 

My ex was not an abuser in the true sense of the term, but he did deliberately say things that he knew would hurt me, then he'd lean his head back so he could have a better view of me crying. He'd then scoff at my tears and belittle me for crying. He did it on purpose because he liked it. No way was any kind of therapy going to remove the pleasure he felt at being able to control my emotions.

 

Do NOT expect an abuser to feel things the way you do. You are looking at him through your lens; HIS lens is completely different.

[Anna Bell]

These people do not take responsibility for anything. But, you know this, as he stated so.

 

Yes I knew he blamed me for overreacting. However, with a number of failed relationships, has he never questioned it could be him that impossible to keep a healthy relationship?

[Anna Bell]

He does not look in the mirror and tell himself "I am an abuser!"

 

What seems to be the case is: he thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong. YOU are wrong because all you had to do is every single thing he told you to do, and NOT do the things he told you not to do. But, he tells himself, you (and all other women) just don't get it. Maybe he thinks women are manipulative and controlling and the only way to get ahead of that is to pre-emptively strike before the woman has a chance to sink her claws into him. Or he thinks women are stupid helpless creatures who need his guidance to live the right way. Or he thinks women will hurt him, so he hurts them first.

 

Who knows. BUT, studies have been done that prove men who voluntarily go through intensive therapy and treatment for partner abuse have a success rate of 2%. Yep. 2%. And I'm guessing it's because not only do abusers think they have the right to abuse, but they enjoy it. Why would they give up something that they believe is their right and that gives them so much pleasure???

 

My ex was not an abuser in the true sense of the term, but he did deliberately say things that he knew would hurt me, then he'd lean his head back so he could have a better view of me crying. He'd then scoff at my tears and belittle me for crying. He did it on purpose because he liked it. No way was any kind of therapy going to remove the pleasure he felt at being able to control my emotions.

 

Do NOT expect an abuser to feel things the way you do. You are looking at him through your lens; HIS lens is completely different.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced the horrible time with your ex. He was nasty. How long did it take you break up with him? Did you learn more afterwards?

 

The 2% figure is shocking. I'm just reading the recommended book "why does he do that". Now I kind of can relate what you said to the information in the book.

 

I want to close this charpter with my abusive ex. Ironically I kept recalling the time when we were together while reading this book, so I can understand him better. Now I'm completely having no doubt about his abusive issues,I don't want him to be involved as a friend in my life anymore. Just hope I can move on sooner with my life.

[Hollyj]

Yes I knew he blamed me for overreacting. However, with a number of failed relationships, has he never questioned it could be him that impossible to keep a healthy relationship?

 

Obviously not. And, why does it matter? Stop psychoanalyzing.

 

Focus on yourself and why you were involved with this guy. You cannot change him, but you can change yourself.

[Anna Bell]

Obviously not. And, why does it matter? Stop psychoanalyzing.

 

Focus on yourself and why you were involved with this guy. You cannot change him, but you can change yourself.

 

"psychoanalysing"-sounds like this is my current problem.

 

Very annoying, I feel I miss him ! I know it's terribly bad. You guys will question me what I miss him about. Oh wish I have never met him.

 

Yes I can change myself. I'll have to move forward.

[Hollyj]

Time and no contact are key.

 

You need to focus on you. Look into partners of abusive men.

[Anna Bell]

Time and no contact are key.

 

 

 

You need to focus on you. Look into partners of abusive men.

 

It has been 10 weeks now, still not feeling better. Only 5 months intense relationship, why took me so long ?!

[boltnrun]

It has been 10 weeks now, still not feeling better. Only 5 months intense relationship, why took me so long ?!

 

Because you keep trying to keep him in your life as a "friend". Because you have not been applying "no contact". Because you keep trying to "understand" him.

 

Instead of realizing "He's an abuser. I am better off without him in my life".

[Anna Bell]

Because you keep trying to keep him in your life as a "friend". Because you have not been applying "no contact". Because you keep trying to "understand" him.

 

Instead of realizing "He's an abuser. I am better off without him in my life".

You're right! I did initial 4 weeks NC. It helped also I was angry due to his abusive messages. With time going, the anger subsided and the good memories started appearing and that's the time I wanted him to be a ftiend. During this weekend I read the book and I got the further confirmation of you and other other people on this forum. I'm more than ever sure that he's an abuser! I don't want anything to do with him. Now I'm into the new cycle of NC and focus on my life. I'll keep people on this site to be updated after a month.

[Hollyj]

Did you block him?

[Anna Bell]

Did you block him?

 

I did. Only way of communication is email. Since he asked me to stop contacting him, so I don't think he'll contact me again. I'll keep him blocked and will never contact him.

[Hollyj]

These types like to make a reappearance, to abuse again.

 

 

Block everywhere.

[Anna Bell]

These types like to make a reappearance, to abuse again.

 

 

Block everywhere.

 

Didn't know that. Thought they won't wast time and look for next target.

[LaHermes]

Holly is right.. When the supply runs short elsewhere, they'll reappear like a revenant.

[Anna Bell]

Holly is right.. When the supply runs short elsewhere, they'll reappear like a revenant.

 

The more I get to know abusers, the more I feel they're like vampires or plague.

 

I listened to Hollyyj, was figuring how to block someone on gmail.

 

Thanks to you both for double checking up on me.

[boltnrun]

Abusers usually try to get back those who get away from them because they really, really don't want to have to bother with the "honeymoon period" with someone new. They want to get right to the abuse.

 

They figure "If she (their ex) took it before, she'll take it again. After all, I did whatever I wanted to her and she stayed with me and told me she loved me! So I'm sure she still loves me and will let me back in."

 

I will tell you what my ex said to me. I'd dated him before but stopped because he was lying, cheating and hiding things from me. He pursued me for FIVE years telling me he really loved me and that he'd made a mistake before, he hadn't know what he had, and now he realized I was the one for him. Finally, when I was feeling down, I started seeing him again.

 

Well, guess what he did? Lied, cheated and hid things from me! When I said something to him, he said "Well, you knew what I was like and you still came back to me. I figured you must like it since you came back."

 

Chew on that for a minute.

 

He will assume you will be dying to get back with him (after all, haven't you contacted him and said you want to be "friends" and that you want him in your life???), so he just will let you stew for a while, then you'll get an email about some lame topic or a text "just saying hi". And he figures he can rope you back in easily.

 

Don't let him.

[Anna Bell]

Abusers usually try to get back those who get away from them because they really, really don't want to have to bother with the "honeymoon period" with someone new. They want to get right to the abuse.

 

They figure "If she (their ex) took it before, she'll take it again. After all, I did whatever I wanted to her and she stayed with me and told me she loved me! So I'm sure she still loves me and will let me back in."

 

I will tell you what my ex said to me. I'd dated him before but stopped because he was lying, cheating and hiding things from me. He pursued me for FIVE years telling me he really loved me and that he'd made a mistake before, he hadn't know what he had, and now he realized I was the one for him. Finally, when I was feeling down, I started seeing him again.

 

Well, guess what he did? Lied, cheated and hid things from me! When I said something to him, he said "Well, you knew what I was like and you still came back to me. I figured you must like it since you came back."

 

Chew on that for a minute.

 

He will assume you will be dying to get back with him (after all, haven't you contacted him and said you want to be "friends" and that you want him in your life???), so he just will let you stew for a while, then you'll get an email about some lame topic or a text "just saying hi". And he figures he can rope you back in easily.

 

Don't let him.

 

FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE Years (years)❗️❗️❗️I'm seriously shocked. He was really persistent!! How long you dated him before you left him? Now I'm assuming that he'd been perusing most of his exes in that way, and looking for the new victims at the same time. What happened to you was unbelievable but it was the most striking experience that I've never been able to imagine. I'm so grateful that you shared with me, I wish you had someone who had shared their experiences with you, so you didn't have to go through the darkness again. People on this site are truly amazing, can't thank everyone enough for saving me!!!

 

Yes, I did tell him in email that I still loved him, missed him and wanted him to remain friends. I just checked he has not blocked me on whatsapp, guessing he hasn't blocked me on every channel. Now I don't think that's a way of him loving me, instead, I'm feeling uncomfortable and sick. I'll make sure he's blocked everywhere. Touch wood he will not come to my house or create something to further trouble me.

 

I start to understand why at the beginning of this thread, Hollyyj asked me those questions. Thank you again Hollyyj, and everyone again 🙏

[Anna Bell]

Call me stupid, just having this question: if he wanted to get me back, there was an opportunity when I said I missed him and wanted him to be friends. Why did he refuse to remain friends, at least it's like a slip road into relationship again. I did express in the email that I didn't want him back. Is that why? Or he just wants to see his luck in the next round?

 

Before I was hoping that he'd reach out to me. Now I'm asking the same question but I honestly hope the opposite.

[boltnrun]

Call me stupid, just having this question: if he wanted to get me back, there was opportunity when I said I missed him and wanted him to be friends. Why did he refuse to remain friends, at least it's like a slip road into relationship again. I did express in the email that I didn't want him back. Is that why?

 

Before these few days, I was hoping that he'd reach out to me. Now I'm asking the same question but I honestly hope the opposite.

 

Because you must be punished for having the gall to break up with him!

 

You must pay for that ultimate insult. He must have you begging and crawling, declaring your love for him. He must have you contacting him, asking him to please, please be your friend.

 

And that's why he hasn't blocked you. His ego is absolutely convinced you will contact him again. He KNOWS you will come crawling to him. And once you've been sufficiently chastised he will graciously agree to see you, but only because you begged! And he'll act like royalty granting an audience to a commoner.

 

Continuing reading "Why does he do that?" All of this is in the book.

[Hollyj]

FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE Years (years)❗️❗️❗️I'm seriously shocked. He was really persistent!! How long you dated him before you left him? Now I'm assuming that he'd been perusing most of his exes in that way, and looking for the new victims at the same time. What happened to you was unbelievable but it was the most striking experience that I've never been able to imagine. I'm so grateful that you shared with me, I wish you had someone who had shared their experiences with you, so you didn't have to go through the darkness again. People on this site are truly amazing, can't thank everyone enough for saving me!!!

 

Yes, I did tell him in email that I still loved him, missed him and wanted him to remain friends. I just checked he has not blocked me on whatsapp, guessing he hasn't blocked me on every channel. Now I don't think that's a way of him loving me, instead, I'm feeling uncomfortable and sick. I'll make sure he's blocked everywhere. Touch wood he will not come to my house or create something to further trouble me.

 

I start to understand why at the beginning of this thread, Hollyyj asked me those questions. Thank you again Hollyyj, and everyone again 🙏

 

Like we have all said: he is not special, he is the classic abuser.

Anna, you need to block everywhere! I thought you had blocked him already???

[Hollyj]

Call me stupid, just having this question: if he wanted to get me back, there was an opportunity when I said I missed him and wanted him to be friends. Why did he refuse to remain friends, at least it's like a slip road into relationship again. I did express in the email that I didn't want him back. Is that why? Or he just wants to see his luck in the next round?

 

Before I was hoping that he'd reach out to me. Now I'm asking the same question but I honestly hope the opposite.

 

You are being punished, and he wants you to beg.

[Hollyj]

Because you must be punished for having the gall to break up with him!

 

You must pay for that ultimate insult. He must have you begging and crawling, declaring your love for him. He must have you contacting him, asking him to please, please be your friend.

 

And that's why he hasn't blocked you. His ego is absolutely convinced you will contact him again. He KNOWS you will come crawling to him. And once you've been sufficiently chastised he will graciously agree to see you, but only because you begged! And he'll act like royalty granting an audience to a commoner.

 

Continuing reading "Why does he do that?" All of this is in the book.

 

Funny! We both thought the same thing.

[Anna Bell]

Because you must be punished for having the gall to break up with him!

 

You must pay for that ultimate insult. He must have you begging and crawling, declaring your love for him. He must have you contacting him, asking him to please, please be your friend.

 

And that's why he hasn't blocked you. His ego is absolutely convinced you will contact him again. He KNOWS you will come crawling to him. And once you've been sufficiently chastised he will graciously agree to see you, but only because you begged! And he'll act like royalty granting an audience to a commoner.

 

Continuing reading "Why does he do that?" All of this is in the book.

 

Now I'm clear now. These abusers are so horrible! They want to torture their victims and they want them to be willing to be tortured. Disgusting utterly!!!

 

I'm half way through the book, will be continuing.

[Anna Bell]

Like we have all said: he is not special, he is the classic abuser.

Anna, you need to block everywhere! I thought you had blocked him already???

 

Yes I did, including email.

 

He's blocked on whatsapp, I still can see his status and profile picture, so obviously that he hasn't blocked me. I'm not going to see that again, it was just to check if he blocked me.

[Hollyj]

NC also involves not checking up on them. Time to get him out of your head.