Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thanks for your feedback. I am not sure that I can forget this happened. It will take me a while. I do also agree that this will make her not trust someone who will be fully dependable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thanks for your feedback. I am not sure that I can forget this happened. It will take me a while. I do also agree that this will make her not trust someone who will be fully dependable. Personally, I don't think you "cheated". When you had the "talk" (the first time) you both agreed to NOT be exclusive at that time, you admitted you weren't sure you wanted to commit to her at all. Which is OKAY! At the time you had only been dating a few weeks! Deciding to commit takes time, certainly more than a few weeks. HOWEVER, after reading all your posts, it is obvious you are so over-wrought with guilt, that NOT telling her may do more damage than telling her. You will carry that guilt around with you and, you may not believe it now, your self-esteem will eventually suffer because of it. Clearly YOU believe you lied and cheated, therefore a "bad" person not worthy of her love = self-esteem destroyer. As a result you will proceed to self-sabotage the relationship, albeit subconsciously, because you won't feel you deserve it (the relationship) or her. Frankly I am sorry to say, I don't see this ending well either way. If you don't tell her, your guilt and the resulting self-sabotage will destroy it OR if you do tell her, because of how guilty you feel, the way you present the info to her will most likely cause her to believe you are a cheater and a liar, since you yourself believe you are those things. I do wish you good luck though, and hope it works out. On the positive side no matter what happens, it is a good lesson learned, an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 What you are saying is true, unfortunately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Shamz, you sound like a good, decent guy, PLEASE try and forgive yourself. If you don't, you risk destroying not only this relationship, but all your future relationships also. The guilt you feel over this one incident, will fester deep inside, which may and probably will have a negative impact on everything you do, until such time you FORGIVE yourself, and release the guilt from your soul. Although I don't think what you did could be deemed a "mistake" as again there was no exclusivity agreement, tacit or otherwise, at that time, you obviously believe it was a mistake, which is really all that matters at this point. Please know, as human beings, we are ALL flawed and we ALL make mistakes, no one is immune from that. The important thing is that you learn from those mistakes, introspect, self-reflect and grow. Don't beat yourself up about it, use your mistakes as a growth opportunity to become a better person, a more thoughtful person, a more honest person, caring, considerate and empathetic person. Just a suggestion, but maybe do some volunteering at a soup kitchen or something else. Tons of opportunities to volunteer and help.. By helping others, you, in turn, will help yourself too. Volunteering and helping others = self-esteem booster. Self-pity, self-absorbed, self-sabotage = self-esteem destroyer. Again, best of luck. Sending positive vibes your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thanks dear. I am actually currently being deployed by a global charity in a dangerous country. I went through a pretty serious depressive episode last year when my ex cheated on me. I am just angry at myself that I am doing the same thing. We didn't have an exclusivity talk, but I feel it was tacit, you know when you get that feeling? You are very wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thanks dear. I am actually currently being deployed by a global charity in a dangerous country. I went through a pretty serious depressive episode last year when my ex cheated on me. I am just angry at myself that I am doing the same thing. We didn't have an exclusivity talk, but I feel it was tacit, you know when you get that feeling? You are very wise. Yes I understand, in virtually all my LTRs, we had that tacit agreement. Nevertheless, as I said, we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. You slipped up (in your mind anyway), you are not perfect, none of us are. IMO, it's okay and even good to feel the pain (and guilt) this "mistake" is causing you, bring it up to the surface, so it can eventually be released. Forgive yourself. As opposed to burying it and allowing it to fester. Not good! Ultimately, you become a stronger, more thoughtful, more empathetic person for having experienced all this. Thank you for saying I am wise ..... I am not really, I have just been through loads of **** over the years, and have learned and grown because of it. I still make tons of mistakes and will no doubt continue to. Will keep learning and growing. And forgiving myself, and others for their mistakes. You will too! And good luck with your deployment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Unfortunately, you are wrong on one thing- you are wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 Hi All. Just to update you. I told her about everything. Because I was honest and we had not had the exclusivity talk she said that it was nothing. And she wants to start anew as a boyfriend and girlfriend officially. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 May be an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't tell her. The moment to do so is gone. You've since established that you're exclusive, so anything prior to that doesn't matter. Bringing up having sex with a friend now will only serve to hurt your SO's feelings and relieve you of guilt. Just be honest with yourself in that you do want to be in a relationship with this person and be committed to her. And live by example. It's popular with me. What's done is done. If the guilt is too much leave her, but don't tell her. If these moral binds bother you, don't do it !!! If you're O.K with it, then be O.K. with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KantSleep Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I hope it continues to go well for you. Thanks for the update. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 Hi All. Just to update you. I told her about everything. Because I was honest and we had not had the exclusivity talk she said that it was nothing. And she wants to start anew as a boyfriend and girlfriend officially. I think you made the right call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krankor Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 Hi All. Just to update you. I told her about everything. Because I was honest and we had not had the exclusivity talk she said that it was nothing. And she wants to start anew as a boyfriend and girlfriend officially. Well I still wouldn't have done it but it seems to have worked out for you, so congratulations and good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 8, 2017 Author Share Posted May 8, 2017 Thanks mate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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