jujusamples Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Do you think that I am cheater though? That is how I feel. As the commitment I felt was an unspoken one- how relationships develop naturally. As I said earlier, this is a "grey" zone, technically, you did not cheat! From reading your posts and replies, it's your concision that is eating you up. At the same time, ask yourself, if it was in reverse, would you have liked for her to tell you? If so, then I say lead by example and tell her. This seems like it's something that will bother you if you don't clear the air. It's better to do it sooner rather later. I was in a similar situation as you before, I ended up telling the person I was dating. It did not ruin the relationship. However, I think it would have made it worst, if I waited for him to find out on his own. I was honest and told my boyfriend at the time what happened. No, it's not considered as cheating, but I could also understand if it will bother your girlfriend. Just explain to her what really happened. If it bothers her, and she can't go on with the relationship, then it's not meant to be. At least you know you went into it being honest with her and yourself. I also have friends that were in a similar situation, of course everyone told them NOT to tell their partner, but it always backfires at some point in the relationship. The person always somehow magically finds out it happened as the relationship progresses. Just saying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 I agree with some of the others that you should stay true to what you think is right. I don't necessarily think it's cheating, but if I were in your shoes, I would also feel bad and I'd probably tell my partner what I did. I don't like secrets, and I prefer to give my partner the power to his own choices and manage his own feelings. Keeps us on equal footing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thank you all for giving advice and your precious time to a perfect stranger. God bless you all. If I can help you through any difficult times, please let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 I spoke about it with my priest and his advice shocked me a little. "Not saying something does not equate dishonesty. Sometimes airing every thing is not needed. Take this as an opportunity to feel like you are nothing, a blessing to come back to God and say, 'God- you are everything'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I think that you are being too hard on yourself. It was not cheating because there was no commitment to your partner at the time of the event. Truthfully, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Just let it go and enjoy your new relationship. chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Do you usually get horny enough to have sex from a simple hug? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Thank you. The internal rupture this has caused is not really going away. I will wait a week and then decide what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 No. I don't. During the hug she started kissing me and it led from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 I feel very devastated that this has happened. I can't sleep, eat or concentrate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I spoke about it with my priest and his advice shocked me a little. "Not saying something does not equate dishonesty. Sometimes airing every thing is not needed. Take this as an opportunity to feel like you are nothing, a blessing to come back to God and say, 'God- you are everything'." What shocked you about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 I thought that he would ask me to divulge everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I don't think sharing is being honest -it's sharing. If you weren't exclusive when you had sex with the other woman don't share it with this woman but do get tested and wait before having sex with her to make sure you are clean (and she should do the same). I think your priest had good advice for you especially since you'd be telling this woman mostly to unburden this "guilt" you feel which is not a thoughtful thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 We did not have the exclusive talk but I really felt that it was implied and that I owed her the loyalty and consideration of not doing this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Sensible words: ""Not saying something does not equate dishonesty. Sometimes airing every thing is not needed. " What the ears don't hear the heart does not grieve over...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I thought that he would ask me to divulge everything. You know the saying No man is an island? Everything we do has an impact on someone else. We are responsible for what we do. Speaking is something we do. Every word is imposition to someone elses thoughts. When you act in a way that would hurt someone else, do not tell the person. All that does is assure they get hurt, and it lets you unburden yourself of a secret. So telling someone else helps the speaker and hurts the listener. If you intend to keep behaving in a way that hurts someone else, then be respectful enough to distance yourself from that person. If not, fix the behavior and keep moving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 We did not have the exclusive talk but I really felt that it was implied and that I owed her the loyalty and consideration of not doing this. You may be right. Fix that. Within yourself. Be responsible with the information about what happened so that she won't ever hear about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 I can never say never, but, I don't think I could do this again. It hurts too much. I would almost prefer to walk away even though I know I wouldn't do it again, so that I can lessen myself of this load. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I can never say never, but, I don't think I could do this again. What do you mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 I could not have sex with another woman whilst I am dating another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 To disclose, I am a bluntly honest person. I don't care what is the technical ruling or any of that stuff. You like this girl and you feel bad. If you want to stop feeling bad face the guilt and tell her. It is pretty simple to me. Especially since you admitted you would like to know in the reversed situation. Who care about the "rules". You answer to only your conscious and it sounds like it is telling you to get this off your chest. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krankor Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 OP, your guilt here is really not at all proportional to the situation. You didn't cheat. Maybe there was a slight sleaze factor to what you did but I wouldn't even go that far. I think it just bothers you so much because you were starting to have feelings for this girl and you seemed to be on a trajectory to becoming exclusive. But the fact remains that you WEREN'T exclusive yet and still free to see or hook up with other people. You haven't been with anyone else since you became exclusive so congrats, so far your record is unsullied. Forgive yourself; there really isn't much to forgive yourself for if at all anyway. I wouldn't tell her. It's none of her business for one thing. For another it will only muddy the waters of your new relationship. It's a sleeping dog so let it lie. If it ever does get somehow uncovered then again, it happened before you two became an item so even though she may not like it if she starts WWIII over the matter then she's honestly being petty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamz Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 When I actually think about it at this moment in time, I would really rather not know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Try not to over-think this episode, Sham. And I agree with Krankor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 I could not have sex with another woman whilst I am dating another. You know, I didn't get the impression that you were one to do that again. All is not lost here. You have an opportunity to face consequences for your actions. She may dump you, or she may understand that you made a mistake. I would personally want to find out how she felt about it, rather than let rules dictate the relationship. You learn about each other that way. Leave rules as a last resort, if communication and mutual respect break down and the "relating" part of the relationship is absent. When I actually think about it at this moment in time, I would really rather not know. Or that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 You know, I didn't get the impression that you were one to do that again. All is not lost here. You have an opportunity to face consequences for your actions. She may dump you, or she may understand that you made a mistake. I would personally want to find out how she felt about it, rather than let rules dictate the relationship. You learn about each other that way. Leave rules as a last resort, if communication and mutual respect break down and the "relating" part of the relationship is absent. Or that. I agree about rules being secondary. Forget that this happened. Use it to learn about your feelings. Talk to her about wanting to be with her only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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