The last thing I am is a golddigger, but...

[limichelle]

I agree that money can't buy love or happiness and that some people are limited in what work they can do. That is okay if they are responsible adults and use the money wisely. This isn't the case with this guy! This guy sounds like he doesn't care about responsibility. He chose to not even get a GED this guy lacks ambition, focus and respect.

 

You need to get on that cruise ship and say Adios!

 

Lisa

[HannahDD]

I don't think you're wrong at all. I'm single, but I kinda understand your situation. I'm in Med School, I study all day, and I'm always thinking about how it would be complicated if I started to date someone who didn't work as hard as I do. I don't care much about how much money the guy has right now, but I care about what are his expectations, how much he studies, how much he fights for what he wants. And I don't think it's wrong...

[katrina1980]

He treats me like dirt

 

Everyone seems to be commenting on his lack of financial ambition or success, have people lost sight of the fact that this loser treats her like DIRT!

 

Her words.

 

To me, that overrides anything and everything having to do with money or success.

 

OP, when a man treats you like dirt, regardless of whether he's rich, poor or somewhere in between, you next him!

 

Like yesterday.

[Hollyj]

Everyone seems to be commenting on his lack of financial ambition or success, have people lost sight of the fact that this loser treats her like DIRT!

 

Her words.

 

To me, that overrides anything and everything having to do with money or success.

 

OP, when a man treats you like dirt, regardless of whether he's rich, poor or somewhere in between, you next him!

 

Like yesterday.

 

All of the above.

 

The question of the hour: why does she stay with this idiot???????? Talk about masochistic behavior!!!

[Hollyj]

"I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes. It's not fair."

STOP doing this! No one is holding a gun to your head! You're not a victim! STOP giving him money! How ridiculous!

[LaHermes]

I greatly fear that here we have (another) case of denial combined with malignant optimism.

[Sportster2005]

Love doesn't pay the rent.

 

I consider your concerns valid. Money is important, to think otherwise is naive.

 

You have a decision to make. If it helps, it's very unlikely he will change. Not unless something drastic happens and he decides to change, and has the ability to change. At this point, it seems very unlikely.

[ParisPaulette]

I missed the fact the guy treated her like dirt before. Yes, that trumps everything else.

 

OP, dump this loser. It sounds like he's latched on to you for money and because you let him be abusive. And stop paying for anything of his. You can do far, far better even if you are just by yourself. Take the cruise job, don't tell him, just go. Let him come home to an empty house. Also maybe work on your own self-esteem and respect or go see a therapist to examine why you'd stay with someone like that.

 

You can love someone, still admit it is a totally irrational emotion, and decide you don't have to be controlled by any of it and walk away. And yes, you wil ldo better in life. No one ever regrets leaving a bad relationship, only that they stayed as long as they did.

 

Just go.

[superfan]

He is a loser and a deadbeat. Dump him and move on.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I just made that title to get people's attention. Let me start off with this. I am 23 and my boyfriend of two years is 31. He is a pizza delivery driver who doesn't even have his GED let alone his high school diploma. I'm madly in love with him, but where he is at at 31 is kinda sad. All he spends his money on is coffee, weed, and a LOT of scratch tickets. I see him spending sometimes 20 dollars or more a day on tickets (money he doesn't have) and cuffing weed from people and paying them back a week later. He never buys me gifts, ok, once in a while a little something, but it's not really about that. I have financial troubles, but I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes. It's not fair. I just see him spending all this freaking money on scratchies and he has never bought me flowers in this whole two years. Even though I tell him my favorite type of flower all the time.. he never gets the hint. We talk about marriage and children, how the f***is THAT gonna happen when we can't even buy coffee in the morning most mornings, and have to scrounge for change under the seats. (Btw I am trying to get a job on a cruise ship right now, I have a reccomendation and an interview set up, I have my culinary degree, serv safe certificate, and my hs diploma.. I also went to massage therapy school.) it's just like I'm 23 and feel way more successful than my 31 year old boyfriend. Am I wrong? Idfk

 

OP, I will take a different approach as a 31 year old living at home, struggling financially.

 

Unlike your BF, I have a really good job at least on paper, not in terms of pay. I am a project manager working in Digital, delivering projects for different well known brands (that you have heard of). I have travelled to the HQ of many of these brands, I also manage a team of people to ensure this. The pay isn't brilliant, since I recently made a career change and it is a small company that is trying to stay afloat. It is a very stressful and high pressured role, and I have had a lot of girls turn me down on dates because I live at home which frankly annoys me since I am a hard worker.

 

So to break it down to you and give your BF the benefit of the doubt:

 

- Your BF is aware that he is in a low paid job, that is why he is gambling. He clearly is not happy with his current situation.

- He is probably smoking pot as a way to deal with depression/anxiety.

- You need to find out why he is in a dead end job, maybe he had issues in his 20s? I had a lot of health problems that my stunted my career. I was in and out of the operating theatre.

- Maybe he is saving money, but has not told you. I am still at home because property prices in London are insane, so I have a choice between renting or saving towards getting onto it.

 

If you love him, I personally think that you need to get to the bottom of it, why is he in a dead end job and try guide him towards a better future.

 

When I was dating my ex, I met her when I had resigned from my old job, and was in a transitional period. She supported me to the point I got back into employment into a job I want to do. I turned things around, obviously now my next step is to make more money.

 

In your case, it could turn out your BF needs to go back to school if hasn't done so already. Support him emotionally if that is the case.

 

You need to set up a discussion with him, if after having a discussion with him, he is serious about turning things around, you should keep him. I would hate for you to end your relationship prematurely. Relationships are not easy, and this is exactly why. Everyone has issues.

[journeynow]

Everyone seems to be commenting on his lack of financial ambition or success, have people lost sight of the fact that this loser treats her like DIRT!

 

Her words.

 

To me, that overrides anything and everything having to do with money or success.

 

OP, when a man treats you like dirt, regardless of whether he's rich, poor or somewhere in between, you next him!

 

Like yesterday.

 

She wasn't specific about what she meant by "He treats me like dirt" so I assumed she was referring overall to behavior like " He never buys me gifts, ok, once in a while a little something, but it's not really about that….he has never bought me flowers in this whole two years. Even though I tell him my favorite type of flower all the time.. he never gets the hint." My advice is the same.

[thealchemist]

He treats me like dirt sorry

I don't understand why everyone is using this misquoted sentence. She was referring to the roommate of her bf and grandma treating her like dirt. I'm just trying to set that straight. But even omitting that piece of information, this guy is a loser. It is pretty obvious, hopefully your subconscious at least understands this and that is why you are trying to get a job that takes you away. But if you stay with him you kinda deserve the permanent man child you picked.

[katrina1980]

I don't understand why everyone is using this misquoted sentence. She was referring to the roommate of her bf and grandma treating her like dirt. I'm just trying to set that straight. But even omitting that piece of information, this guy is a loser. It is pretty obvious, hopefully your subconscious at least understands this and that is why you are trying to get a job that takes you away. But if you stay with him you kinda deserve the permanent man child you picked.

 

We didn't understand because some of us missed her first post wherein she said this:

 

I do live wit my parents. I'm in the immediate process of moving out to ajob on a ship, also he lives with his grandmother doesn't have his own place and a deadbeat roommate who treats me like

 

Speaking personally, I only read this:

 

He treats me like dirt sorry

 

So my bad for missing the first post, and thanks for setting me straight!

[abitbroken]

- Maybe he is saving money, but has not told you. I am still at home because property prices in London are insane, so I have a choice between renting or saving towards getting onto it.

 

Someone who buys scratch tickets is not a saver.

Having no high school diploma or GED at 31 is an absolute dealbreaker. If he's 20 and is working towards his GED or diploma because he was in a coma for year during his high school years - I'm good with that. If he was in the foster care system and his life was too unstable to succeed and is working hard towards his GED and he's 20. I'm good with that.Or if he had a special need that wasn't classified at the time but now there is more help available (like severe dyslexia) - but NOT at 31!!! He has no ambition because most gainful jobs require a high school diploma or GED.

[yeahyeahyeah]

- Maybe he is saving money, but has not told you. I am still at home because property prices in London are insane, so I have a choice between renting or saving towards getting onto it.

 

Someone who buys scratch tickets is not a saver.

Having no high school diploma or GED at 31 is an absolute dealbreaker. If he's 20 and is working towards his GED or diploma because he was in a coma for year during his high school years - I'm good with that. If he was in the foster care system and his life was too unstable to succeed and is working hard towards his GED and he's 20. I'm good with that.Or if he had a special need that wasn't classified at the time but now there is more help available (like severe dyslexia) - but NOT at 31!!! He has no ambition because most gainful jobs require a high school diploma or GED.

 

Some people just don't know what to do in life and are a bit lost. JK Rowling who made millions from Harry Potter was in that situation at 31, no career, divorced etc

 

The OP should be helping him figure that out as not just a girlfriend but a friend.

 

If he has a gambling addiction, she could also help with that. Gambling anonymous, looking after his money etc

 

The point I'm trying to make if she loves him, she will look for solutions to try and make it work as opposed to dumping him and taking the easy way out.

 

The first step would be to have a sit down and serious conversation about what his plans for the future asking him how she can help and how they can work together as a unit.

 

If after that he is not responsive and not thinking as a duo, then she has every right to end it. Right now she's described what's wrong but has not described the steps she's made to help him or offered solutions to him so that he gets out of the rut. So it is coming across as its all about her needs not being met right away. Can you see where I'm coming from?

 

All of my relationships have failed for this reason simply because when things get hard, the girl breaks it off. I suspect that many others fail for the same reason. Life is not easy, and it's hard to build a future with someone. It requires a lot of patience, compromise and the testing times are the hard times not when things are going great.

[LaHermes]

OP remarked in first post:

 

"I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes. It's not fair."

 

The OP (or any other GF for that matter), is not supposed to be a combination of National Bank, charitable organization, minder, ramrod, mother and guardian angel.

 

While this enabling goes on he will never make any effort.

[boltnrun]

He has to WANT "solutions" in order for him to be receptive to help.

 

And no, it's not a girlfriend's job to try to convince a grown man that instead of wasting money on "scratchies", he might try to think of a better plan to obtain financial security. And unless she left it out, she is not a gambling addiction counselor so she is not qualified to "help" him with that either.

 

Addicts get help when THEY decide to get help and not a minute sooner. That's assuming he's an addict and not just looking for easy money.

 

And it doesn't seem like the OP bailed as soon as things got hard. Didn't she say she's been in a relationship with him for years??

 

And yes, some circumstances happen that can cause a person to go through a rough time. That is not the same as CHOOSING to live the lifestyle he is living.

 

No consequences, no change.

[LaHermes]

Amen to that, Bolt.

 

Yes, I forget to add that. No one, but no one, is supposed to be the "other's" therapist. So, she is not qualified to act in that capacity either.

[abitbroken]

Some people just don't know what to do in life and are a bit lost. JK Rowling who made millions from Harry Potter was in that situation at 31, no career, divorced etc

 

The OP should be helping him figure that out as not just a girlfriend but a friend.

 

If he has a gambling addiction, she could also help with that. Gambling anonymous, looking after his money etc

 

The point I'm trying to make if she loves him, she will look for solutions to try and make it work as opposed to dumping him and taking the easy way out.

 

nooooo This is the fast track to codependency! She needs to do what is healthiest as a very young woman! She is not to become a caretaker for an overgrown child. She should not find "solutions" for him. If she were 10 years older and his sister, i can see nudging him or mentoring him a little for a little while, but if she follows the path you suggest, she will only learn how to become an enabler.

 

YES,the solution in this case is to dump him, focus on HER career and her growing up as an adult and to not waste any more time.

 

JK Rowling was not a pot smoker non school graduate. She was a single mom who unfortunately went through divorce and depression. That is completely different than someone who has not launched. I know people who are 30 and don't know what they want to do - so they take volunteer opportunities and they take part time jobs to try their hand at something or they take a class. They don't buy scratch offs hoping they will get rich.

[limichelle]

I dropped out of high school my sophmore year and got my GED one year later! There is no excuse to not have a GED.

[yeahyeahyeah]

He has to WANT "solutions" in order for him to be receptive to help.

 

And no, it's not a girlfriend's job to try to convince a grown man that instead of wasting money on "scratchies", he might try to think of a better plan to obtain financial security. And unless she left it out, she is not a gambling addiction counselor so she is not qualified to "help" him with that either.

 

Addicts get help when THEY decide to get help and not a minute sooner. That's assuming he's an addict and not just looking for easy money.

 

And it doesn't seem like the OP bailed as soon as things got hard. Didn't she say she's been in a relationship with him for years??

 

And yes, some circumstances happen that can cause a person to go through a rough time. That is not the same as CHOOSING to live the lifestyle he is living.

 

No consequences, no change.

 

I stand by my point.

 

Strong relationships is where people stick by one another through thick and thin, I have unfortunantly been with people who pack it in once it gets hard but have no complaints when everything is going fine. There is too much selfishness and a lack of empathy with many out there.

 

OP is clearly going through difficult times with her BF. I do NOT expect her to be his counseller, therapist, national bank but she should try and guide him so that he gets the help he needs to get his life back on track. If he is still stubborn, and selfish despite her being supportive and empathetic then it is time to call it a day. Yes they have been together a long time, but I think the real issue is the OP communicating this to her BF, maybe she has been turning a blind eye all of this time.

[nutbrownhare]

So to break it down to you and give your BF the benefit of the doubt:

 

- Your BF is aware that he is in a low paid job, that is why he is gambling. He clearly is not happy with his current situation.

- He is probably smoking pot as a way to deal with depression/anxiety.

- You need to find out why he is in a dead end job, maybe he had issues in his 20s? I had a lot of health problems that my stunted my career. I was in and out of the operating theatre.

- Maybe he is saving money, but has not told you. I am still at home because property prices in London are insane, so I have a choice between renting or saving towards getting onto it.

 

Support him emotionally if that is the case.

 

Yeahyeahyeah - you are responsible and mature, even if you're temporarily struggling financially. You are saving, not gambling, and willing to work hard to achieve your ambitions. Your career was held back by health problems beyond your control, not by a deadbeat lifestyle of your own choosing.

 

It is the boyfriend's responsibility to work out why he is in a dead end job, not the OP's. He engages in two addictive behaviours, which are likely to be more important to him than his relationship. It is impossible to have an open, honest relationship with someone who's permanently stoned.

 

Do you really think that someone who gambles regularly has a secret pot of savings? Really? (Secret debts - very likely!)

 

The advice about working through problems and issues with relationships is fine when both people are basically sound and responsible, even if they have temporary difficulties. However, with characters like the OP's boyfriend, this kind of "standing by your man" becomes what is known in addiction circles as 'enabling' - i.e. keeping the addict sick. It will ultimately damage both of them, no matter how well intentioned. Sure, everyone has issues. But there are times when it's important to know which issues can be dealt with, and which require a mammoth shift on the part of one person - a mammoth shift which is highly unlikely to happen while the OP stays in the relationship.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Yeahyeahyeah - you are responsible and mature, even if you're temporarily struggling financially. You are saving, not gambling, and willing to work hard to achieve your ambitions. Your career was held back by health problems beyond your control, not by a deadbeat lifestyle of your own choosing.

 

It is the boyfriend's responsibility to work out why he is in a dead end job, not the OP's. He engages in two addictive behaviours, which are likely to be more important to him than his relationship. It is impossible to have an open, honest relationship with someone who's permanently stoned.

 

Do you really think that someone who gambles regularly has a secret pot of savings? Really? (Secret debts - very likely!)

 

The advice about working through problems and issues with relationships is fine when both people are basically sound and responsible, even if they have temporary difficulties. However, with characters like the OP's boyfriend, this kind of "standing by your man" becomes what is known in addiction circles as 'enabling' - i.e. keeping the addict sick. It will ultimately damage both of them, no matter how well intentioned. Sure, everyone has issues. But there are times when it's important to know which issues can be dealt with, and which require a mammoth shift on the part of one person - a mammoth shift which is highly unlikely to happen while the OP stays in the relationship.

 

I get that.

 

At the end of the day, the OP needs to tell her BF this, that he needs to get help and that she will stick by him during the rehabilitation process. He will be more likely to respond positively if she does that.

 

Outside of criticising him, I have not read anywhere where the OP has actually had a sit down with her BF having a frank discussion about his addictive behaviours giving constructive feedback and letting him know how it is straining their relationship. To use an example of how they are communicating poorly is from the following:

 

"something, but it's not really about that. I have financial troubles, but I always split my money 50/50 with him, even more sometimes. It's not fair. I just see him spending all this freaking money on scratchies and he has never bought me flowers in this whole two years. Even though I tell him my favorite type of flower all the time.. he never gets the hint."

 

She needs to stop beating behind the bush and tell him straight what her expectations are. In this case, that he needs to stop wasting money gambling, and save or spend it on doing things that are relevant to their relationship.

 

The communication between the OP and her BF is not good, first step is to work on that by expressing needs and expectations better as opposed to thinking that the other half will just 'get it'. Clearly he is not 'getting it' leaving her frustrated. To give him the benefit of the doubt, my exes used to communicate like this as well, and it used to annoy me since they will get mad at me for not getting something without being clear about exactly what they wanted.

 

With regards to career, I agree it is not in her place to figure that out. What she should do is ask him questions about his career, and just listen to what he says offering advice on how to achieve his career aspirations.

 

On a final point, many addicts are addicts because it is a form of escapism from real life problems. Her BF might be suffering from depression given his current situation. Again she should ask him if he is depressed, and tell him to see a therapist. Again, it is not her fixing his problems, but guiding him and working as a team. That is the key in my opinion and what is missing from this relationship (and others).

[abitbroken]

Sorry, I still stand by my opinion that she is a young woman with the world ahead of her and she should not be in the business of "Fixing" men. It is not a good road to go down or start going down. If you were together 20 years - it is a worthwhile, mutual relationship and someone gets laid off and gets depressed, that's one thing. But this young woman who is just launching into adulthood should not be spending half her money to support this loser. He likes his life as it is. I hope she has a nice summer romance on the cruise and comes home after a year or two and is ready to rock at her career - and meets a man who is doing more than smoking weed in the basement.

[Capricorn3]

OP, do you have any intentions on coming back to respond to any of the replies you have received?