Having a hard time accepting my break up

[Shayla22]

This is my first time ever posting on a forum like this - I am struggling very much and I have read the incredible outpouring of support on other threads here. It gives me hope that I could find some solace here as well. I apologize for the length in advance, I want to give as many details as possible!

 

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 5 days ago. It came after a break we decided to take 2 weeks prior. I am very much in love with him and have been since we've met. We have had a beautiful relationship - we have an amazing time together and he has expressed his love for me always throughout the relationship. He entered law school about a year and a half into our relationship, which was difficult, both because of the new distance between us and the demanding work schedule. However, I did everything I could to support him (sending him words of encouragement, trying to be as understanding as possible when he could not spend time with me, and sending him all sorts of gifts and goodies whenever he was stressed).

 

In October of 2016, he told me he felt that how upset I was in my job was taking a toll on him and the relationship. I had been feeling very down about it and I was confiding in him about it often. I was upset by this though, and felt that no matter what I was going through, he should be there for me. This issue blew over and we ended up having a wonderful trip to Virginia the next week.Then, in early November, he told me he's been having doubts about the relationship. He said that he loves me very much and he always will and it hurts to think of a future without me, but that something was not right. I was devastated of course, and pressed him for answers. We decided to take a short week break for him to sort out his feelings. He came back and said that he wants to be with me and wants me in his life, but he was afraid this would happen again. He said that my feelings seemed to be stronger and he didn't know why he hadn't let his own develop as strongly, but he was ready to allow it. He wrote me a letter about how he wants a future with me, he feels happier and more engaged in the relationship than ever, and that he loves me so much. We agreed that we wanted to be together, but that week was incredibly difficult for me. It was very hard for me since then to not feel worried and insecure, and I brought it up often, which frustrated him. It made me feel shut down or having these feelings. However, we got through a lot and proceeded with long time plans to move in this August. I moved in somewhere temporarily and we had furniture being put in a storage unit for our new place.

 

About a month ago and a half ago, he admitted that he's been having the same types of doubts. I was just angry mostly this time, I could not believe it was happening again. There were all new reasons about the relationship that he felt were problems. He has always assured me that it is not me or the way he feels about me, but this hesitance. We discussed everything and it really felt like a breakthrough. He agreed to share more and that he would work on everything. He said he was "so excited" to move in for the first time. I demanded that I be included in the discussion, because generally he says that things are fine and is hiding these thoughts so that he won't upset me. The weeks that followed we did talk about it, but only when I brought it up. I felt more and more uneasy and insecure. I pressed him about it 2 weeks ago, and after denying it admitted that he was having doubts again. I lost it and told him we needed to take a significant break until he can be sure he wants to do this. We decided on a month. He contacted me 2 weeks in (5 days ago) that he needed to talk to me. He walked into my place sobbing. Said this isn't the right relationship for him and he doesn't see a future. It's just a feeling, no real explanation. He said he loves me and the past 2 weeks he was depressed and miserable without me. But he knows getting back together is a short term solution, not a long term one. He clearly hadn't showered and had huge dark circles, he was a mess.

 

I've been completely devastated since then. I can't believe that a month ago we were looking at apartments. It feels like our entire relationship was a lie, all the times he told me how strongly he feels for me were a lie. I regret pushing him to talk about it constantly and I wish that I would have just allowed us to be happy together. It is excruciating to be rejected by him when he is sitting in front of me telling me he loves me. I am mourning our life together and the future we could have had. I know logically that if he was so tormented with doubt, that its not right and I deserve someone who is sure. But no one seems to understand how hard that is to accept when you were so happy and in love.

 

I do not know how to go on from here. I want answers but I don't want to reach out to him at all. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Is he seeing someone else?

[Shayla22]

Thank you so much,. No, I am very sure he is not. He's given me no reason to ever think that he would even speak to someone else romantically. But I guess you never really know, because it feels like there's something missing to his story.

[No1]

none of it was a lie. Get that out of your head. You are bulding a wall and you are protecting yourself by saying "it was all a lie". It wasnt a lie and you very well know it wasnt. So lets get that out of your head.

What you had was real, genuine and you two shared love and your lives together and you had shared and made great memories. Him being in your life helped you become who you are today. You being in his life helped him who he is today. The hard part is that the relationship has come to an end and Im sorry for that.

You must do what you have to in order to heal. Its like if you break a bone, you go to the doctors and get a cast and do everything needed to mend your bone. The heart is kind of the same thing. You must do what it takes for it to heal. Accept that it is over, purge your X from your life and that included the past promises, and tell yourself that you are okay. Its hard to see this now, but you will be fine, you are going to heal, move on from this and dare to say, fall in love again. Yes, it will happen.

 

I know you are hurting and it sucks and time moves too slow. Dont question if your relationship was not real, or did he lie to you or ask questions like that because its only going to get you upset, sad or confused. You shared something real. So you step back from the situation, spoil yourself, rely on friend and know you are not alone.

 

You will be okay..

[MissCanuck]

I'm very sorry, OP. I know this is incredibly painful.

 

Something similar happened to me several years ago now. After 2.5 years together, my live-in boyfriend came home one night and revealed he didn't know if we were "right" anymore. I knew something had been off with him as he was becoming distant and distracted but I thought it was the stress of his new job. Not so much. I was very upset and after several discussions, we decided to stay together. I too felt very unsure and hesitant after that (duh!) and I had a very difficult time opening back up to him again. We rode the tide and stayed together 5 more years. I grew to feel very comfortable again but there was always that little voice of skepticism in the back of mind, wondering if he would do this again.

 

And he did. This time, I didn't fight it. We had been drifting and I had my suspicion that someone else was on his mind (I was right, there was) I had reached the point where I didn't want to stay and waste any more years with a guy who had so many doubts. And so we made the decision to end the relationship completely.

 

For a while, I was angry. Angry that he had been going through the motions while knowing his heart wasn't in it. Angry that he knew he was into someone else but still kept up appearances with me. But I know we did share a lot of good times together, which were genuine. We did love each a lot, at one time. I don't think our or your relationship was a complete lie. I think our respective exes probably did want to make it work up to a certain point, but eventually couldn't deny that they weren't invested and it wasn't fair to keep going. It sounds like yours really did try to convince himself that he was just having a case of cold feet, but couldn't make the leap in the end.

 

For what it's worth, it's been about 5 years since that ex and I split up for good. I am well past the anger now and have moved on, including to a man who has no doubts about me or us. I think you will get there too. Be patient with yourself as you heal.

[Dragon55]

I just recently got out of a long relationship too and I am in a similar situation. It is tough not having someone there that you gave so much to. But the thing that is keeping me going is that you have to focus on yourself now. Everything happens for a reason. It sounds like you did everything you could. It may not have worked out the way you wanted it to but every relationship you are in, you must learn from. You will be a stronger person coming out of this and you will see maybe not in months, but maybe years from now why everything happened the way it did. Keep your head up

[Shayla22]

Thank you everyone so much for your words, it means so much to hear that you've gone through similar situations with relationships and came out the other side. It feels like I'll never be happy with anyone again. But I know that's not true. I just don't know how to get there.

 

Right after I posted the thread, I found out my grandma passed away. I was extremely close to her and so was my boyfriend. I told him, and he called me crying. We talked and he helped me calm down. I said I missed him and said he missed me too. We've been talking all day, and he's coming to the wake. I know this is not healthy and is giving me false hope. But it feels too difficult to lose two people in my life at once.

[oap81]

Just hang in there o.p. I know it's tough right now.

[Shayla22]

I'm very sorry, OP. I know this is incredibly painful.

 

Something similar happened to me several years ago now. After 2.5 years together, my live-in boyfriend came home one night and revealed he didn't know if we were "right" anymore. I knew something had been off with him as he was becoming distant and distracted but I thought it was the stress of his new job. Not so much. I was very upset and after several discussions, we decided to stay together. I too felt very unsure and hesitant after that (duh!) and I had a very difficult time opening back up to him again. We rode the tide and stayed together 5 more years. I grew to feel very comfortable again but there was always that little voice of skepticism in the back of mind, wondering if he would do this again.

 

And he did. This time, I didn't fight it. We had been drifting and I had my suspicion that someone else was on his mind (I was right, there was) I had reached the point where I didn't want to stay and waste any more years with a guy who had so many doubts. And so we made the decision to end the relationship completely.

 

For a while, I was angry. Angry that he had been going through the motions while knowing his heart wasn't in it. Angry that he knew he was into someone else but still kept up appearances with me. But I know we did share a lot of good times together, which were genuine. We did love each a lot, at one time. I don't think our or your relationship was a complete lie. I think our respective exes probably did want to make it work up to a certain point, but eventually couldn't deny that they weren't invested and it wasn't fair to keep going. It sounds like yours really did try to convince himself that he was just having a case of cold feet, but couldn't make the leap in the end.

 

For what it's worth, it's been about 5 years since that ex and I split up for good. I am well past the anger now and have moved on, including to a man who has no doubts about me or us. I think you will get there too. Be patient with yourself as you heal.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, it has helped me so much and I have read it many times. I think it's such a good point that the love you shared at the time was genuine, and that our exes did want to make it work. And that's why they stayed in longer than they should have. Even though that hurts immensely. I know their intentions were never to hurt or string us along. It gives me hope that you have found someone new that has no doubts about you. I hope very much the same happens for me. My grandmother passed away 5 days after our break up, and we were in contact again. I got my hopes up, and they were pretty much crushed again when he said he wasn't ready to make any decisions about us. Nothing has changed despite my hopes that his being there for me and being so broke up about us would lead us back to each other. So it hurts all over again, but I know I have to reinstate no contact in order to move on.