Married at First Sight

[chitown9]

Here in the United States, where I live, there is a TV program called, "Marriage at First Sight." I know that most marriages in the world are arranged marriages, so there may be some people on this site that are in an arranged marriage which seems to be very much, if not exactly, like the marriages on this program.

 

I would like to know what your thoughts are? chi

[Capricorn3]

I think for people coming from and growing up in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm, it works to some extent. For people outside of those cultures, I think "marriage at first sight" is a very alien concept. It would never work for me - not in a million years, lol.

[Scoe141]

It would never work for me - not in a million years, lol.

 

I see your one million and raise you two million. ;-)

[chitown9]

I should point out that experts match these couples up according to their interests and values. chi

[Batya33]

There was that couple from Minnesota many years ago who got married at the huge mall there at first sight and I think it was a success story ..... interesting!

 

It was David and Elizabeth Weinlick (article in 2008 said they were still together after 10 years)

[ParisPaulette]

I think if two people are relatively sane to begin with, their core values are shared, and there are no real issues per se like addictions or toxic behaviors then yes it can work. My understanding of many arranged marriages is they are between families who know each other, know each other's history. In those cases I can completely see where two people would just decide, "You know what? Let's make this work," and they do. I have a couple I'm friends with who married each other after two months, but just immediately really liked each other on first sight. They're going on 23 years of marriage, so yes it can happen. But I also know they talked about their core values, each of them had previous marriages and they were not looking to repeat those mistakes, and they got some premarital counseling before they did the deed.

 

BUT I've also heard about plenty of arranged marriages and sudden weddings that didn't work out or one of the parties would find themselves in terrible situations, so I don't think its' a one-size fits all. I married very young and very quickly, the marriage did not last although we tried through ten years and two children. Even though he was a good guy I was really not mentally or emotionally ready to deal with a marriage of any sort, so I wasn't exactly marriage material at that time.

 

I think a lot of whether something like that will be successful or not has to do with the sanity of the individuals involved. I also think TV shows like that one don't help anything, because they can paint an unrealistic picture of "it worked for one person, so why won't it work for me?"

[Capricorn3]

I should point out that experts match these couples up according to their interests and values. chi

 

Um, I don't hold much value to what these "experts" come up with, lol.

[Matt3939]

Never saw the show. I think tv is just tv though. Now can arranged marriage's work? Sure maybe that's what I could use. I'm obviously not the best at picking a partner.

[Lester]

I don't watch such shows Chi.

Is there a way you could re-frame your question for non-watchers?

[Scoe141]

I wonder how many folks who were married under a prearrangement are really happy. As opposed to "putting up with it" because any alternative would deem them an outcast.

[thealchemist]

The thought of someone else choosing my mate makes me sick to my stomach. In other parts of the world the divorce rate is lower in arranged marriages than nonarranged. But in many of those cases if you want to leave the person and they aren't addicted to something or abusive you are disowned. So it makes sense that they last. Impossible to objectively rate happiness in a marriage, but I wouldn't solely look at divorce rates.

[happyfrank]

I wish we went back to this tradition.

 

So many single people now in days and the divorce rate is really high.

 

Maybe family really does knows best when it comes to picking partners..

[Scoe141]

Maybe family really does knows best when it comes to picking partners..

 

Don't tell my mother that. Sheesh... She's itching for a grandchild. In fact she said, "I don't care what order it comes in."

 

 

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I have come to believe that love is a choice. Yes, you can't control who you are attracted to, but when you choose a mate, you are committing to love them through good and bad. I can see how some arranged marriages turn out to be happy marriages under that principle when both parties are choosing to love their spouse (with making sure ahead of time they have similar enough backgrounds faith wise, family values etc. unlike the Moonies thing where random people who might be in other countries were picked out of a hat basically). I had a coworker who was getting married and he or the young woman COULD decide after meeting to say yes or no. Unfortunately, shows like this make a mockery out of it. In true arranged marriages where bride and groom agree to having an arranged marriage (not underaged kids married by force), they at least meet in person a few times before the wedding and then get engaged) and people are chosen for shock value only.

[saluk]

I really enjoyed the Meet the Patels documentary on this subject. Ravi Patel is fed up with dating and decides to subject himself to the arranged marriage process of his elated parents.

 

There is no guarantee that a marriage will A) work and B) be happy, whatever the process was to get you there. I could see this working very well for some people. One thing you see often in more modern systems are young and naive people who should not be married but marry because they think they are in love. I know many who would have had much less traumatizing first marriages if they had been arranged... A strong cultural system of marriage blessed by family or matchmakers should in theory protect from these bad pairings.

 

But of course that assumes the families are both looking out for the best interests of their children rather than just what they themselves want. And fully aware of, for example, if their child has any abusive tendancies. Which they generally wouldn't, if we're being honest. The only worse thing I can imagine than being in an abusive relationship would be being in one that had been 'sanctioned' in this way.

[abitbroken]

I really enjoyed the Meet the Patels documentary on this subject. Ravi Patel is fed up with dating and decides to subject himself to the arranged marriage process of his elated parents.

 

There is no guarantee that a marriage will A) work and B) be happy, whatever the process was to get you there. I could see this working very well for some people. One thing you see often in more modern systems are young and naive people who should not be married but marry because they think they are in love. I know many who would have had much less traumatizing first marriages if they had been arranged... A strong cultural system of marriage blessed by family or matchmakers should in theory protect from these bad pairings.

 

But of course that assumes the families are both looking out for the best interests of their children rather than just what they themselves want. And fully aware of, for example, if their child has any abusive tendancies. Which they generally wouldn't, if we're being honest. The only worse thing I can imagine than being in an abusive relationship would be being in one that had been 'sanctioned' in this way.

 

Honestly, a lot of problems that you mention in the first case (people in love but have no clue) would be solved if everyone went to premarital counseling (ie, it made it slightly more work to get married). Some denominations require it, but people who get married at the court house, etc, don't do it. A lot of engagements have been broken when it is discovered one is scared of the other, there are grave incompatibilities, and compatible couples marriages are enhanced pr put on a better track when they are introduced to issues they never talked about before because they didn't think of it. I am not saying everyone needs to approach it from a religious standpoint, but will say the personal inventories and such used apply to any marrying couple. I know legally you can't mandate it, but it would be great if more people did it, so they didn't think "things would fix themselves" once married.

[boltnrun]

My family's religion required premarital counseling, which consisted of sitting in a room for 8 hours being told not to use birth control. Totally useless.

 

I do, however, think some actual counseling is a good idea before marriage.

[journeynow]

I haven't seen the show, but I did know a doctor who was in an arranged marriage with another doctor, both from India. They seem well matched, both had successful practices in the US, and I don't think they particularly wanted to be scrutinized about their marriage.

[chitown9]

I don't watch such shows Chi.

Is there a way you could re-frame your question for non-watchers?

 

The show interviews a group of people, male and female. They learn as much as they can about each person and look for a match. Then a wedding is planned and they meet at the ceremony; so in essence, they are marrying a stranger. The the show goes to tell you how each marriage progresses. After a stipulated period of time they are asked if they want a divorce or if they want to stay married.

 

It is similar to an arranged marriage, but not exactly. It is not arranged by the families and the couples do not meet before the wedding.

 

The people that determine the matches are said to be experts, but who can predict "chemistry?" chi

[Batya33]

The show interviews a group of people, male and female. They learn as much as they can about each person and look for a match. Then a wedding is planned and they meet at the ceremony; so in essence, they are marrying a stranger. The the show goes to tell you how each marriage progresses. After a stipulated period of time they are asked if they want a divorce or if they want to stay married.

 

It is similar to an arranged marriage, but not exactly. It is not arranged by the families and the couples do not meet before the wedding.

 

The people that determine the matches are said to be experts, but who can predict "chemistry?" chi

 

I think it depends on whether the people expect chemistry. I did but I assume not everyone does. Some people just want to be married to a friend or companion.

[ParisPaulette]

I wonder how many folks who were married under a prearrangement are really happy.

 

There are a lot of abuse stories about those types of marriages too, so no an arranged marriage is not always the answer. Particularly in those cases where girls that are still children are forced to marry fully grown men. Although I'm willing to bet a few men found themselves married to someone abusive too, we just don't talk about that as much.

 

This is why I don't think it's a pat "one size" answer at all. What do you do when your arranged marital partner is abusive to you or worse, begins to pimp you out? At least here in the U.S. women and men are at least able to get help if they reach for it - it's not a perfect system - but it's still better than being told you're property and have no rights. That you must stay with the person who is hurting you, because that's what your lot in life is.

 

Bottom line, there are no perfect setups when it comes to marriage or relationships and I don't foresee any great shift in sanity in that area for a long time to come. I mean, we have 50 Shades being touted as a love story for cripes sake.

 

Also my mother picked an alcoholic and both of them were cheaters. Much as I love them I would never in a million years want to have ended up with whoever my parents might have picked out for me. I'd rather have done bad all by myself and had the freedom to walk away to learn and do better.

[Fudgie]

The idea of arranged marriages never seemed really "bad" to me. It's just not common place here. I maybe could do it. I think that maybe divorce rates would be different if people picked their partners with their heads, not their hearts or hormones.

[Lester]

I don't know Chi, to me it's just mass media trivializing another important aspect of life for money at any cost.

You can see it with how they romanticize/glorify violence, suffering and death as if it could ever be.

[journeynow]

I don't know, is this thread topic ok for ENA? Basically it seems to criticize another culture without being helpful. So many threads are closed because they don't ask for advice, and I'm never sure if discussion for the sake of discussion is allowed. Maybe for Off Topic it is ok?

[chitown9]

I don't know, is this thread topic ok for ENA? Basically it seems to criticize another culture without being helpful. So many threads are closed because they don't ask for advice, and I'm never sure if discussion for the sake of discussion is allowed. Maybe for Off Topic it is ok?

 

Thanks for your input. I don't think it is a criticism of the topic, or at least it was not meant to be. I was just curious as to what peoples' opinion of is of the concept of marrying without personally knowing the person, but relying on experts' opinions that it was a match. I was putting the topic out there for discussion. I do think it was appropriate for the OFF TOPIC FORUM, so that is why I put it there. I did learn something from the different posts about the subject. chi